My boyfriend is so lazy

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Nope....not communicating is the wrong answer.

But do it in a nice way. It's easy for people to get stuck in a rut. It happens to me. Being stuck stifles progress. Does he like cinema?

I'm lazy, too....but I respond when somebody puts it in a nice way. I have lazy traits similar to your boyfriends'. I didn't want to go out the other day....but I was nicely prodded to go out, and I had a good time.

I wish he'd stop smoking, though. It's definitely not healthy.

Is this guy older than you?

I don't think Joe was expecting her boyfriend to drive her around, FOB.

Also cleaning/gardening are by far healthier jobs (you move all muscles) than driving bus for straight 12 hours (moving only certain muscles); and I believe both are far less tedious and noisy.

Joe's boyfriend is about ten years younger than I am.

Nagging will just cause more stress, and any benefits will be temporary. You can praise him whenever he does something productive, and he will do more and more productive things. It takes focus, and some emotional control, but compliments work better and faster than criticism. They lack the short-term emotional discharge of griping, though.

So, an older, grumpy man, bus driver, with a young lady he should appreciate being with because he's Goddamned lucky to be with her.

I've seen this with aspie women before. I can't comprehend this. Joe, you are 27 and still full of youthful energy (no offense kraftie ) no wonder there's that massive gap between you in terms of energy levels. He is old, tired and grumpy. Some women like slightly older men for security, maturity and a better relationship. This is a grumpy middle aged bus driver with a messy flat, keeps snapping at you and who is too lazy to have sex with you? Seriously, are you mad?

What the Hell are you thinking, being with this man? As I said, are you completely off your trolley? Snap out of it.

Well, at least he is not with me just for sex, we all know that. Sometimes people think that an older man with a younger woman is just in it for sex. He loves me for me.

He lacks self-confidence due to bad experiences with women in the past. He's been cheated on and lied to and just used by women. I know that he's not the sort of man to cheat, and I'm not the sort of woman to cheat, so we have very secure trust for each other right there, which is also important in a relationship.
He does apologise to me when he's perked up a bit, for being grumpy to me. I think he's just getting used to me. Maybe it is a good thing that he snaps at me at times because we are close and he knows he can be himself. I've just got to find a way to let it wash over me, although I find this hard, not just with him but with anyone who is in a bad mood and is making me feel like everything I do is wrong. It makes me anxious and tearful.

I don't snap at him. I try to be chilled in front of him, so when I ask him if he's OK, I don't confront him. I just care about him.

And with the driving, I don't ever expect him to drive 25 miles to pick me up and take me to his if he's been at work all day. So I get the buses to get from mine to his.

Would you marry him if he asked?

I hope, if he does want to marry you, that he's romantic about it.

Yes he does want to get married (we are engaged). I'm surprised, because he has had so much emotional hurt in his life, that I thought he'd be put off getting married again, as he is not a gullible person. So he must really trust me, which is good for my self-esteem as well as his.

You don't have to nag to talk to someone.

You can broach subjects slowly or bluntly it is you choice.

If you tell him off you can do it in joking way. However probably better is to ask him whats up. It is much better if you broach things as a question.

It is better to discuss your feelings, with your partner.

I'm sorry I snapped at you Joe, I've had a bad week. It was no excuse for me to snap at you though.

I know how you feel. Sometimes, when I'm under stress and had a bad day/week, I tend to come on WP and say things too bluntly then accidentally 'offend' someone, like in the "Neurotypicals need to stop asking this question" thread (can't remember how the title was worded).

So, maybe that's how my boyfriend feels as well.

So it's OK. You're cool.

Your boyfriend is lazy and under motivated.
It's great that you are very understanding about why he might be like this, and I'm sure he appreciates it, but it really isn't your baggage to handle.

I think he needs to change or you gotta tell the bus driver you're getting off at the next stop.

It's worrying me. Lately he's been having ailments caused by too much smoking, like coughing a lot and painful rotton teeth. He gets up a lot in the night due to coughing, and won't do anything about his painful teeth. He goes to the dentist but just gives up on it if they don't have an appointment, instead of making an appointment for a set date. And the more this goes on, the more he doesn't want to do things with me because he is pissed off with his pain.
I tell him that he will feel much better if he gave up smoking (with the coughing anyway). But he won't listen, and tells me not to go on about it. So I can't help him. His addiction to those things controls him and he won't do anything about it. Giving up smoking CAN be done. I've known people that gave up smoking and have never smoked since. All you need to do is admit to yourself and to others how bad and stupid your habit is, and analyse how it's having an affect on your health, and tell yourself that you don't need those things. Then start from there.

I know I don't know your boyfriend at all, except for what you describe here. And I know that there may be a hundred other things about him that make him a wonderful boyfriend in other ways.

But based strictly on things about him that you describe on WP, personally -- and this is just me -- I would leave him. There's a fine line between being human and having grumpy moments with a partner, or what is bordering on an unacceptable, unhealthy level of being uncommunicative, unwilling to discuss things, unwilling to compromise or take onboard the other partner's concerns or needs within the relationship.

Some of what you say about your boyfriend causes red flags to me in my own personal standards and experience of bad relationships, and I'm experienced in those, lol. Some of my previous partners' behavior was exactly of this kind and then escalated to a worse version of it to the point where the relationship had become very unworkable, toxic, and even abusive eventually.

Plus, I too had a smoker boyfriend who would try to quit, say he was trying, but one evening, right before my own eyes, at a friend's wedding reception, all it took was for one of his buddies to say "Coming outside for a smoke?" and my boyfriend was "Yep, be right there."

Another time after this when I said to him "Oh babe you're not lighting up are you?...." - not shouting, not nagging, just talking -- he turned on me violently.

I'm not saying your boyfriend is anything like this but I'm just saying, he seems like a person you "can't work with" about issues in a relationship, and I've had exactly that type of man actually become someone violent to me.

All of the above is only my own personal experience and will not necessarily be repeated for anyone else, as all people and all situations are different.

But it's put me off for life from anyone who evidences indications that they tend to refuse to sit down and talk about things, or are irritably resistant to the same or very irritable with ME. These are red flags to me now.

I've also suffered from a tendency to feel like I can't find a better person, due to often having levels of fairly low self-esteem. It had made me stay longer than I should have in relationships where I was being treated badly but just put up with it, making excuses for the person. I gather this happens a lot to aspie women and girls.

I don't want to just leave him. He does love me, but he just needs to learn to chill out a bit. I have an anxiety disorder, and ASD/ADHD, but I've learnt to chill when I'm around people, because people don't like being snapped at all the time. He used to work 6-7 days a week, so I thought he'd feel better now that he's paid off his mortgage and has cut his hours down to 4 days a week. Surely that sounds like a relief to me.

He does care about me. I know he does. But it's like he is impatient all the time and can't stop himself from snapping at me.