I'm probably in the minority of Aspies to be like this...

Post Reply New Topic

I wasn't sure how to directly address that issue myself without looking like a person with serious issues. However, while I have, in recent years, had a good amount more self-control and have been more selective of the women I hug, the problem could be that I was still stuck in the mindset I adopted in school when a few women were quite affectionate toward me, and I just feel that the fact that I was pressured to be more affectionate, caused me to just have the complete wrong idea about women's boundaries for a long time, likely due to my own instinct. Probably even a small part of me now, have at least a part of me that longs for affection toward women my age, and really feel flattered even today when an adult woman seems to be very nice/friendly to me. However, these days, I'm just not as spontaneous as I used to be with my affection, as far as what I've lived through. You are basically right, though, that it really isn't good of me to show affection to anyone I'm not in a relationship with. That is something I'm continuing to work on.

As for hugging guys, there have been some guys I have occasionally given hugs to. Kind of like rdos pointed out, it's just something I do quite rarely, since it isn't really something I feel comfortable doing in just about any case, and possibly out of fear of people questioning my lifestyles. At my reunion four years ago, I was really concerned and conscious about many aspects of myself, and even though I saw my share of hugging, I mostly avoided giving hugs, and the only hugs I gave were toward the end of the night. While I did hug a couple women I had been really good friends with not just during my school years, but after, I also did hug a couple of guy friends I was good friends with who no longer live in my area. So it's not something "out of the question" for me to hug a guy who I am friends with.

However, it is always tough for us to answer a question like this concerning an issue such as this that we have, since even I do feel, at least today, that most of the affectionate behaviors I have described, are considered unnatural with most people. While I do feel some women might not have minded some affection, I feel I have a better acceptance now, (even though either I had trouble for years accepting this, or didn't have a whole lot of control over myself with some of my boundaries) that the majority of women have boundaries similar to what you described in your post.

Uhm, you people do recall that probably the most famous living Aspergian, Temple Grandin, is well-known for having invented a HUGGING MACHINE, right?

Sensory issues with having people randomly touch you is not the same thing as utterly rejecting normal human affection. I don't like people licking me for no reason, but I love a BJ, kapish?

Firm, loving, sensual hugs are a totally different sensation than having someone unexpectedly walk into a room, throw their arms around you, and fill your sinuses with the reek of cheap WalMart perfume, when a simple "hello" would have sufficed.

I don't hate hugs at all, they can be very comforting. What I hate is people who use pointless, meaningless hugging as a social greeting. Same with people who think touching you on the forearm, or gripping your shoulder, or slapping you on the back, are good ways of getting their point across.

Unless it's foreplay, keep your hands to yourself.

It seems like your problems could be instantly solved if you just learned to ask people for their consent to touch them first. No one needs to be made uncomfortable if you give them a chance to decline a hug. It's something we need to start teaching all children at a young age--if you want to touch someone or someone else wishes to touch you, ask for permission first; and also that's OK to say no if one is uncomfortable or just not in the mood, it's not some big rejection or insult. No one has the right to make others uncomfortable and force physical contact on them by surprising them with it. It's just rude, whether you are NT or ND. Get consent first, it will clear up all those other problems and misunderstandings.

I mean, if you like hugs so much, how hard is it to say "Can I have a hug?" and wait for an answer before grabbing someone? If you feel genuine affection for these people then you should also show some consideration for their feelings and whether they want to be touched by you or not.

I didn't mention this when I first posted, but there have been my share of times in my life when I have asked before hugging. However, I will admit I haven't always, even lately, like if it is someone I know well. However, you have a point that I definitely should always ask before hugging someone, and I feel it is something that I need some more work on. However, as far as now goes, there really aren't many times these days where I see many people I grew up around, or anyone else I feel I might be able to establish a rapport with, and very few people I'd feel right hugging these days.

However, there has been the occasion a good amount of times over the years where others hug me without asking me, which doesn't usually make me feel uncomfortable, like if it is someone I know, or, in recent years, I don't have much concern of where their hands have been. That could be some of what has confused my boundaries and habits.

It's very different for women, being touched by men who don't establish that we want to be touched by them first. Most of us have some experience with that and so "spontaneous touching" can have very different implications for us. People in general have a way of trying to display possessiveness of people by demanding hugs/touch from them which I have always found odd and uncomfortable. It always seemed intuitive to me to make sure it was OK first before I touch someone. Maybe that's because of how I was raised, it was taught to me as just a way of being polite.

That is a point, while I believe an adult at one point years ago made a very summarized explanation of that to me, it wasn't explained in a manner that gave me more of an understanding like you just explained. I feel that there are things such as this that some people such as me just don't seem to "get" about the opposite sex without the right explanation, as well as being able to get it through their head like I need to do. However, not all of us tend to really "get through our head" everything we've been taught as a child, even when we think we do, especially when someone or certain situations influence us to do differently at some point in our lives. For example, there's all kinds of anti-smoking ads out there, yet there are still so many who fall under the pressure to smoke, which I wasn't one of. So it appears I have done the right thing in that and some other categories throughout my life. Yet the issue discussed in this topic is one issue I've struggled with in life.

Yes, but it was a machine, not some random human you don't know. Big difference.

At least for me, such a machine could (partly) replace getting regular hugs from a partner.

we all have troubel with social skills. This can mean wanting too much or too little conatc for other ppl's comfort. It varie sin degree too. YOu dont' sound unusal to me.

Other have given you tips. Mine is, when in dount, touch less, not more.

I know noting about church groups so I can't help you there.

I kno very little about the Oak Ridge boys, but will check them out. Music is always good, whatver type you feel storngly about.

Employers arn't supposed to discriminate on may htings, but they do. dont' tell them your diagnosis.

A question for others. It's likley i have the condition once deacribed as Aspie. What is the current name ofr thta place on the spectrum?

Aspergers now goes by the name "autism spectrum disorder" (ASD) and most Aspie's would be "Level 1 - needs support" or "Level 2 - requires substantial support."

The thread you replied to is from 2017 and the person you are addressing might not even be here any more. Just wanted to point that out.

Thanks bea. I odnt always htink ot chekc couse soem of the therads here last for years.

this is odd. why did htis show up (before i said anythign) on the list of posts new sincemy last visit?

It shows up as new, because there was a posting from BeaArthur since your post earlier.

nope. It showedup as new when no one had posted since 2017. Before Bea or I posted.

Ah, then I am not sure why it would show up as new...but my guess is you can safely ignore this thread/topic if it pops up as new again.