Aspie friend withdrawal

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For one thing it's easy to get anxious over our expressive abilities falling short.

Have you tried contacting him? What's your normal mode of communication? With my friend after any breakdowns in our friendship he will always reply if I contact him by text on a subject that is completely non emotional. I.e. Asking his advice about something or telling him about something he may find of interest . . .. not sure if that may work for you? Take care

Not yet. I'm afraid to. My instinct would have me contact him immediately. That has not worked for me so I have not contacted him. I am afraid he never wants to talk to me at all and that he'll ignore my communications. I am hurt because I'm afraid to contact him but I don't think he'll contact me. I might send him a good luck at his new job message in a couple days, since he starts that soon, if I don't hear from him, which I don't think I will.

This is so painful because everything I do is so right in my world but everything I do is so wrong in his world.

He told me he was uncomfortable talking about the feelings stuff, fine. But then he shutdown and I have not heard from him in 5 days. So I don't know if that means he doesn't want to talk to me at all or if he might, dare I say, miss me and want me to contact him. He has not contacted me, but I don't know what that means for an Aspie and I don't know what an Aspie wants in this situation.

How do you usually communicate? How often were you speaking before. Obviously everybody is different whether they are Aspie or not, but my friend disappearing either means I have pissed him off somehow or that I am talking emotions. It is nearly always me that reinitiates contact . .. . But he has always seemed happy to hear from me. I never however continue the conversation that has upset him.
He shows me he cares by then arranging something for us to do that he knows I will like. Extra long hugs , and wanting to give me little gifts. I take these actions as his way of showing he has heard what I say (usually that I feel he doesn't care about or value our friendship) but he will not want to discuss this.

Usually email or text. We used to see each other every day but that was when the professional relationship dictated it, even though we were spending time together after hours. After that, maybe every couple days. One of his outbursts related to being uncomfortable with the discussion was "I see now why someone would not answer texts" (which is what someone did to him once). So I'm guessing if I tried to contact him, he might not answer. Unless it was just that, an outburst that he didn't really mean.

I'm actually wondering if he has significant issues that I was until now unaware of with understanding his own emotions. Here's an example. One of his talents is that he is a musician. He once had a performance in the evening, and I asked him if he would like for me to attend, as I wanted to support him in "his other world", which was outside of the world we usually interacted in. I asked because I didn't know if he wanted his worlds to "mix": me, who lived in his geeky world, to mix with his music world. He honestly could not answer that. He kept saying over and over: "If you want to see a show, then you should go." This happened twice. The first time, I went. He seemed surprised to see me in the audience when he came out on stage, even though I told him I would come. I don't think he was upset by it, just surprised--probably by the intermixing of worlds thing. The second time I asked him, he had the same response. This time when he said I should go if I wanted to see a show, I told him that I only wanted to go to support him and asked if that is something he would want, but his answer didn't change. This time I didn't know what to do. Honestly, I didn't want to make him feel like I was encroaching on his other world, and I was so afraid it would come off like that. But I wanted to show my support. This time, I actually sat in the parking lot, cried because I didn't know if I should actually go in or not, and ultimately just went home thinking that if I went in, it would just overwhelm him. He doesn't know that. Later I told him I didn't go because I didn't really know if he wanted me there or not, and my only reason to go would have been if he wanted me there. He basically glazed over and didn't really respond. Sounds classic Aspie, doesn't it? Arrrrrgggg! I just wanted to support him in his interests. I don't think he has much of that kind of support. In my world, that would be exactly right. In his world, it seems to be exactly wrong. Bottom line is that I don't know if he actually was able to discern whether he wanted me there to support him or not.

Last edited by imhere on 21 Jun 2017, 8:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Question for the Aspies: Do you "miss" people?

Interesting . . . . .regarding the doing things together. I think they really just don't "get" it a lot of the time. I believe the independence of an Aspie means If they want to do something they do it. Certainly my friend has no "need" for my company to enjoy events. I often go to a gig to find he is also there . .. . It used to upset me. I would say but you know I like the band why did you not invite me? He didn't understand it. He would say I presume if you want to see them you would make plans to do so. He was always pleased if I did turn up and would move his stuff and come and sit with me.
This has been the big lesson for me. I thought he would like to have a close friend who cared for him and wanted to share things. . .. .
However much of the time this is just an extra burden for him. Especially if I am going to start giving him grief about "why didn't you invite me" etc etc. When I saw he was doing a lot of other things, I felt left out, I assumed he was choosing to go with other people rather than me. The truth is he goes because he wants to hear the music or see the show, etc etc . For me going to a gig is a social event and I will want other people with me to share in the experience.
I believe your friend would never want you to do something you are not interested in. Therefore he would assume that if you are interested in the music then you would go .. . .. that is how my friend works anyway. If our interests collide and we end up at the same event then all well and good.
Our days out are something different. He plans them with my interests and likes in mind. He will constantly check whether it is OK, he worries that I may be bored. He wants to know whether I like it, what do I think about the place or event. Am I sure it's ok. . .. . ..

Also I just sent you a pm . . .. hope that is ok

Yannow, reading thru your posts OP it sounds like someone that has tied themselves up with a Gordian Knot.

Talk about analysis into paralysis!

Be kind to yourself. Cut yourself some slack and step back. Let HIM make some overtures.
Your patience does you credit but you can only know the extent of his feelings (friendship or more) by stepping back and giving him opportunity to think, process, then act accordingly.

Imo a connection, be it friendship or more requires an active participation from both sides. AS or not.

It may not go the way you want it to but the fact that he's not been in touch for a few days suggests a guy that needs some alone time.
Let him have his time and wait to see what he does next ...without agonising over every minutiae of interaction (or lack thereof)/contact you have with him.

Jmo. Also, if my post is blunt. Apologies. My intent was not to be offensive.

Perhaps you could attempt to connect with him by taking an interest in and discussing his special interests if he has any. As for the romantic/emotional part I don't have any advice worth giving. I have never been on a proper date in my entire life so that should sum up my emotional knowledge on dealing with and understanding the other sex. I regret that I could not be more of use to you in this time of need, my apologies.

I miss people, I just don't process emotions very well. I am not good at conveying my emotions either way. As for your friend, I can not say, as it is called the spectrum for a reason.

Blackicmenace, I'm curious... You said you've not been on a date. Is that because you don't have interest or maybe more because you aren't sure how to get there?

Give him SPACE. This has happened to me many times. I make a friend and they start to show too much affection - which scares me and makes me feel smothered. Even though I react like this I do not know why.
As someone that doesn't understand sexual or romantic feelings I freak out very easily if someone hints at romance.
My advice is - don't contact him for atleast 3 weeks or you will just push him away even more.

Thanks andy33, not what I wanted to hear but I should probably heed your warning. Follow-up question: after some time, would you make contact or want the other person to make contact?

I don't know how to navigate that type of social interaction. I have always been clueless of the motives of others for the most part so approaching a woman is a rather frightful thing filled with the anxiety of the unknown. How do I know if she really likes me? Do I just creep them out because I am strange, awkward, and unusual? After much reflection, I have missed out on many opportunities that I never knew existed at the time. As for your friend, you have clearly explained your motives so he very well could be overwhelmed by emotion and needs time to process it all or the possibility exists that he could even be Asexual and just wants a friendship and lacks any romantic interests. But who am I to say, I know neither you or him.

I was only relating it to my own feelings and past experiences. Sometimes trying to understand other people's feelings can be very overwhelming and I need to take a step back to process them. I don't think he will initiate contact but after (I would give it 3 weeks) contact him casually. Don't bring up what happened straight away, but perhaps ask him if there is anything he needs to resolve or talk about. Maybe ask him if he is happy with the friendship or if there are things he would like to change. This may help you find out if he is Asexual too. Ofcourse it needs to be a mutual agreement. You can't do things just to please another person. If he still seems distant don't pressure him. Just let him know that "your door is open."