Losing the love of your life

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I really wish I could give you some advice that I feel would be helpful to you, but about all I can really say is this. I was a loner myself who never felt comfortable interacting with peers, but in junior high, I was kind of pressured by a girl outside the spectrum who seemed to feelings for me, the girl I referred to as the "Perfect Diva" in an earlier post that upset my girlfriend. However, I was reluctant at first, but by the eighth grade, I began to not only interact with her, but also be overly affectionate toward her. However, there were some things about the way she acted toward me that I really had trouble understanding. While we have had some things we've disagreed on over the years, we are still friends to this day. Even with my social awkwardness and my times when I've made off-color comments (though I've made much less of those lately), I've never lost my will to be social, though it has certainly made me a problem at times. However, I do have friends I still talk to that I grew up with occasionally, though a lot of them have jobs, or have wives or husbands, and really don't have much time to spend with me.

All I can really say is that, I think at least some of us Aspies might be able to do better socially if we just really try and believe in ourselvets. So maybe it would help you to really look into what you could do to improve your social skills, talk to people, and believe you can make new friends, and that there ARE people who will understand you in this world. Because the fact that you say your only friend you feel comfortable around is an ex-girlfriend just doesn't sound like the way you should be thinking. After all, I screwed up my only relationship because I got someone who seemed to share feelings with me involved because I considered her one of my best friends, and that is a mistake I still feel stupid about.

I'm very sorry for your the situation you are in. I'm sure it is very difficult to have feelings for someone as you do, and not be able to be with them.

Concerning finding someone else, if that's you in your profile photo, personally I think you are very handsome, so there's that. As far as employment, you'll find something eventually.

Unfortunately that isn't me in my avatar. It's a picture of special agent Dale Cooper from Twin Peaks.

You don't sound the bitter type of person, but I just want to say, just never become bitter. It's a real repellant.

Now we both know that's not true.

I completely understand this. I can offer advice, though I do not know if it's quality will be of use to you.

I know this will sound cliche but please try to take the underlying logic to heart.

Focus on yourself. Dedicate the time and energy you were putting into the relationship and redirect it into improving your own circumstance. The pain of loss will be there regardless so the only logical course of action is to try your best to compartmentalize it and focus on moving forward, dealing with the pain in small manageable chunks. Improve your life. Work on developing independence, or a job, or your getting your own home. Anything that moves you closer to "being at peace" with yourself. It is extremely unlikely this will be your last relationship and almost equally unlikely this will be the last to end. It is a certainty that everyday you are alive you will have to deal with yourself. This means that the most efficient use of your daily "efforts" will be the brutally difficult task of becoming content with who you are and the life you lead. This "comfort" HAS to be independent of the people and circumstances that happen to be present at the time. The more "happy" you become with yourself the greater the likelihood you will attract someone who is also "happy" with who you are. The more "negative" variables you remove from your life the easier it will be to add another person to that life and maintain that relationship.... I hate to say it but you should probably distance yourself from your ex. I understand your hesitance but the continued contact will prevent you from properly grieving the loss and will ensure you are unable to find another relationship. You can't give someone something you do not posses. If you don't love yourself you can't love someone else. You can't be present in a new relationship if you haven't actually "left" the old one. No one wants to be second choice and won't take courtship seriously if you haven't gotten over your ex.

I sincerely hope something I have said helps. I am not an expert but have shared in very similar feelings and experiences. I unfortunately didn't figure any of this out until about 5 years ago when I lost my second "love". It was my fault... And that is not speculation. I feel I could do much better in a relationship now but the last 5 years has been HARD. The introspection has been painful. The bouts of loneliness, oppressive and never once did I feel like I was moving forward. However, when I look back I realize that I have come a LONG way. I am a much better, and more complete person now (deeply flawed still but better). Now, if and when I entertain the idea of trying to find a relationship I am much more confident I have better tools to deal with the challenges and pit falls along the way.

Good luck friend. Try your hardest to not become fatalist or rancorous. The ever tired cliche still holds annoyingly true.

This too shall pass.

Thank you, Swizzle.

Incidentally, I am turning my attentions away from what transpired between me and my ex by getting out of my comfort zone far more frequently.

However, I am reluctant to dissociate from my ex as she is someone I care about. Whilst many would advise against remaining friends with an ex, I do not believe her having a boyfriend should completely extirpate our relationship. Even though it's upsetting to see pictures of them together on Facebook, under no circumstances do I want to be a contemptuous and bitter human being.

Having spent the vast majority of the past ten years trapped inside of my own head, I think the time is now right for me to try to be a productive member in society. It's merely unfortunate that it's taken me so long to realise that I must be kinder to myself.

My immediate goal is to find a job, and after that I intend to make at least one friend before the end of the year.

You know yourself and situation best and I wish you the best of luck moving forward. One last parting cliche:

It doesn't matter where you start. The only thing that matters is where you end up.

Yes, and we all know where that is. At the behest of W.P.