Getting a Relationship if you Have Issues

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^^^ I would gradually tell the person a bit more over time as they would be able to digest it.

It's not thorough OCD for me, though I am a bit over the top I guess with germs sometimes lol.

You're trivialising the problem faced by many aspie men and women (especially aspie men).

The majority of N.T. women want to date a man who lives alone, has a (high paying) job, owns his own car, knows how to drive, and (not always as often but still sometimes) has had experience with women before.

For most aspie men here, all of these things are harder for us to do than the average person.

Many of us feel like we aren't 'worthy' enough and that 90% of N.T. women are out of our league from the very get-go (just look at Sly).

This isn't a sign of low self-esteem like some people believe, it's a realistic conclusion.

If 90% of 30 year old women want to date a man who lives alone, owns his own car, can drive, has a job, a degree, etc. then it's actually realistic for a man with no job, no car who lives with his parents to assume most women will be turned off by this and not interested in giving him a chance.

Now, to everyone else:

HOW THE F*CK DO YOU 'GRADUALLY' TELL SOMEONE THIS SH*T IN THE FIRST PLACE?

How do I slowly tell a potential girlfriend I have no friends, no job, not studying, don't own a car, can't drive, am a virgin, live with my parents, etc.

This is basic sh*t most people expect to know on the very first date.

People ask where you're studying, what kind of job you have, what do you like to do with friends, etc.

I'm lucky that I'm young and these things don't matter to girls as much, but I already know they WILL.

If young women aged 18-25 don't care yet, they WILL care eventually.

But I'm doomed from the start because even f I try and work hard and improve my life, I'm still behind most guys my age and there's plenty of things I'll probably never be able to do or could take my many years to do.

For example, I have severe anxiety when going out to places by myself just by walking, I need to learn to ride a bike/catch a bus/walk to where I need to go first, and then learn how to drive to places without experiencing anxiety.

So while guys my age are getting their licenses, I'm learning to do something they've been able to do since they were 13.

But seriously, that's the most important thing atm.

Are 19 year old girls turned off by a guy with ZERO social life?

I wouldn't be clingy if I had a girlfriend but no friends (have been in that situation before and I was fine with seeing her only once a week but still talking online during the week).

The key above is "90% NT women". ND guys should not be looking for NT women. The problem is that there are no good places where NDs can meet, and most ND people don't even know how their natural courtship works and instead are doing dating.

So NDs should not learn that they have no chances with dating because they don't have enough status and socially attractive traits. Instead, their priority should be to learn to identify other NDs.

Outrider -- NO, I am NOT "trivializing" the issue.

And YOU are PICKING on me. You picked out MY post out of an entire thread.

f**k off.

And by the way, NO, "the majority" women are not seeking solely those things you state.

"90%" -- according to your personal scientific research?

Oh FFS.

YOU are one of the bitter people whose own bitterness stands in the way of a girl wanting you for yourself. Statistics actually mean nothing borne out in real life, but you will never get to find that out.

And I'm sorry to have to tell you this but there ARE girls and women who go for men with "nothing" but their own personality.

I happen to be one of them. Maybe I'm f*****g stupid but I've NEVER dated a guy who "had anything" to offer except himself and his qualities.

Too bad you just won't believe that. I'm not going to respond any further to your BS.

I don't respond to BULLIES who single out ONE woman in a thread to lay their bitterness on. Who also happens to be a woman is NOT the nasty stereotype you have decided fills the world.

How ironic you pick on me. I'm not having it so quit your whining and enjoy that a-hole thing you got going there.

Last edited by BirdInFlight on 27 Jun 2017, 2:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

That's rare among NT women, so I think his argument about 90% NT women is more or less correct. I'd say a woman that goes exclusively on personality is very likely to be ND, not NT, which is why ND guys needs to learn to identify those.



Sure. You are probably ND. I know women like that IRL too, and they are NDs.

Sorry to burst YOUR bubble too, rdos, but while yes, I am ND, I have ASD level 1, most of my female friends in the course of my life have been NT and they also are interested in good character, and have fallen for the poor student rather than the a-hole with the flashy car.

Wow. So you guys are just running into ONLY those shallow women with fake boobs? You do realize that even among NTs there are other women in the world?

f**k this thread. Seriously. I'm out of here. I'm 55 years old, I've lived a life that put me into contact with A LOT of neurotypical people and I think I should know SOMETHING of what I'm talking about here.

Now you two GO AND PICK ON SOMEONE ELSE. And have some f*****g respect for your elders who MAYBE have watched and seen more of life than you have yet.

You know, I'm sick of you guys whining.

If you can't find anyone well the harsh truth just might be that maybe it's just not going to happen.

And maybe you have to accept that. There are NTs who can't find anyone either for a whole other set of reasons.

Guess what? LOTS of people never get what they want in life -- even after trying six ways to Sunday.

LOTS of people -- NT, ND doesn't matter -- never find love or lasting relationships.

Sometimes you have to realize that might be your deal in life and it's too f*****g bad. We all have to face up to SOMETHING in life that goes that way.

Sorry but I have no sympathy. Adjust.

Last edited by BirdInFlight on 27 Jun 2017, 2:46 am, edited 1 time in total.

You appear to have sensed aggression in my post.

I wasn't angry at all, in fact.

Sure, I was negative, but definitely not trying to pick on you, just disagreeing with you.

Yes, I do believe it trivialises the issue.

'Everyone' has flaws but we tend to a tad bit more difficult to date than the average N.T.

Most people don't want to feel like they have to mother their partner in a relationship, they want equality and someone who can contribute equally, anything else is an unbalanced relationship and it's not fair on the other person to have an unbalanced relationship.

If only one person brings in all the money, is the taxi driver in the relationship, has to pay for everything, then it's unfair on them.

There are men and women who will leech off another person in a relationship so some people want to avoid this and avoid dating someone who might leech of them in the first place.

Anyway, it looks like you aren't interested in some debate anyway.

Trust me, I wish I could find the women you speak about too.

But then again, there are some things about me I do wish women care about and I wouldn't want to date a girl who cares purely about personality.

For example I've seen some women say when they first met their boyfriend they weren't attracted to him physically, but once they fell in love with him for who he is, he became attracted to her.

I wouldn't want this at all and would prefer a future girlfriend like the way I look soon after meeting me, instead of 'falling for my ugly mug'.

I put a lot of effort into some things in my life and I'd rather they be appreciated and valued for the legitimate effort than not at all.

Like I'd rather a girl be attracted to how I dress than date one that wouldn't are if I wore dirty hobo clothes.

Then that means we were agreeing all along, but you took it as me bullying you and decided to reply very aggressively and become very upset with me agreeing with you.

Yep, no matter how hard people try, especially people with Aspergers or disabilities or mental health problems who start at a disadvantage in the first place, might never find love.

But no, anyone has any right to whine and complain for the rest of their life about anything for any reason.

It's called venting, letting off emotional steam instead of letting it buildup and make your mental health worse.

I thought society likes to encourage people with depression to speak-up, reach out and get help, and seek support from family and friends, but no, that doesn't really happen as I've learnt over the years, most people just tell you to stop whining and shut the f*ck up the second you ever complain about anything in real life or online, just like what you're doing right now.

Wrongplanet is supposed to be a support place, and you are the one bullying people here for seeking support and advice by telling them to just shut up and deal with it.

If you don't like to ever offer support or help to people on a support website for people with mental illnesses, then you're the one who doesn't belong here.

The people I described as ND previously were not diagnosed ASD. ND is not ASD. NDs consist about 15% of most Western populations, and so are numerous enough to target exclusively. If you know how to detect them, and it is not by social awkwardness. Most NDs have learned to appear socially competent, but still have their ND preferences beneath that shallow surface.



So how do you know they were neurotypical?

In the absence of ND detection skills (best option), a working definition of a girl being ND is actually that she doesn't care about social status in a potential partner. That puts all NT women (by definition) in the category of caring about social status and all ND women in the other category. Still, it's always best to reason around traits being ND or NT, rather than judging complete individuals as ND or NT, given that very few individuals are purely ND or NT.

Double post..

Last edited by Outrider on 27 Jun 2017, 9:27 am, edited 1 time in total.

I agree with you sir!

Unlike some rude individuals, even if we disagree sometimes, I respect your opinions and like the different way that you.look at life, and if I ever come across as mean or angry at you now or in the past, I'm sorry about that, you seem like a calm and intelligwnt man who stays calm even when other people become angry at you.

Ive been here for years and noticed you never get angry with anyone who disagrees with you, which is noble and respectable.

I respect you, elder of mine, and value your contributions to this website and to ND people in general.

You're an intelligent guy, Outrider. Why aren't you studying anything?

You are "studying," in a real sense, though, only you're not studying formally. You're on the Internet doing lots of research, I would imagine. You haven't been here that much recently.

You're a strong guy, too. And decent-looking. Better looking than me, as a matter of fact.

I feel there are young girls out there who would be interested in a guy who's into music like you are into music. Even some who have Aspergian traits.

There's no reason to give up the ghost, my friend.

I am in a long term relationship, it´s been going on for about 10 years. The "trick" is to not tell in the beginning, and Im not talking about a month Im talking about a year or even more. Off course you can say after a month that you are anxious sometimes or feel sad, crying easy or anything like that, but things like aspergers and more "serious" things I would suggest to wait a really, really long time.

If the person get everything right from the beginning he/she will often run away, people tend to think worse whatever you had said.

So the guy you're with didn't mind not being told things near the beginning? And thanks for sharing.