Asking out or getting to know someone? What's the right way?

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I think my 50s has this far been the best time of my life. As for my 20s, those really were not that good, being hooked on the college girl most of the time, and not having any interest in anybody else. I used my 20s to excel at work & my interests, not for "hunting" girls.

After reading the comments I would say you would be better off just simply talking to girls. Practising on any girl. Practise chatting, flirting a bit. And then when you meet somebody you really like it would be easier.
It's never easy but it would be easier.

To reply to your question if you see that girl more often, same class or whatever, talk to them a couple of times and then ask them out. I'm a girl, I got caught by surprise sometimes , I automatically said no.

If it's a one time meeting, in a cafe or mall, just go and talk to them and ask their phone number, give yours too!

Shakes head.
For people like me 30s will be worse then 20s. As life only gets worse. There's no up for me.

That's what I've claimed too, and I think it is more common for NDs to do that. We need to have fast answers to social questions, and I bet the fast answer an ND girl needs to learn when asked for a date is no. There are a lot of creepy men out there that tries to talk girls into casual sex, and if you cannot defend yourself against them, you are bound to get used or abused.

In fact, even as a guy, my fast answer to everything coming from a stranger is 'no'. I had to learn that to ward off people selling stuff or outright begging.

So, by cold approaching and asking complete stranger girls out, I bet a guy would have less luck with NDs than NTs, which makes it even worse for an ND guy to use that method.

A lot of my life experience has been stunted, though. I still live with my mother not only because of my finances but she's also such a damn control freak. College was disappointing to me and the stress I had to go through in it burned me out.

Just a quick observation here: every time someone offers a suggestion or tries to help, you almost immediately come back with a reason it won't work, or you bring up advice that you DID halfway follow and bemoan how it didn't work the one time you tried.

It looks to me, and maybe to some others, too, I dunno, that while you hate being single and hate being under your mom's thumb, you don't really seem to really want to do much about it. It's ok with me if you want to lament being single. If that's all it is, then all good, I'll just shut up about it.

A sad fact of our existence is some of us just aren't capable of living independently, of dating, of LTR, and so forth. There's no shame in that. Based on some of your other posts, I think you're just measuring up your life against the redneck NT's you're surrounded by. I personally think your perception is badly skewed to say the least and you have more options than you think or claim to have. But if you really are in a situation in which dating isn't in the cards, let it go and live the rest of your life to the fullest. If it's causing you that much pain, you're better off not dealing with it.

Hey, I've had a few gf's and only ONE stuck around long enough for me to knock her up. I could have done without getting dumped so much and the emotional rollercoaster that came with it. In a way, single folks are better off.

What else can I give besides my experiences? I feel like I've exhausted a lot of the options people usually try.

Party why I can't let go of thinking about my struggle is because it would feel like all the things I tried for were in vain.

Only if you believe that. There's all sorts of things for you to learn and do. Even on a budget.

I think more than anything your negativity stems from your location. It's not easy being around people that constantly demean you or people like you.

This idea of trying once and it not working and then not seeing the point of it. I wonder if it's an aspie thing.

We like logic. Cause and effect. If it doesn't work what's the point trying it again?

Your experiences are valid. I don't blame you for how you feel. For people who succeeded in dating, it's like they failed 100 times out of 101. I happened to be the kind of guy who started early obsessing over it and trying hard, to the detriment of any social standing I might have had. I might not be able to list 100 girls I've met with a view towards dating, but there have been maybe 20 over as many years that I've spent good quality time with and even made out with to a small degree. I even had the opportunity to lose my virginity in 7th grade if I wanted to, but I just wasn't ready. I was able to figure out some things that worked. But it was an ongoing journey, and it doesn't really end just because you get married.

Trying, failing, and dwelling in frustration and feeling paralyzed from it is not going to move the needle on your love life.

Now that it's on my mind, I missed a huge opportunity when I was younger. I'd gotten out of one relationship and was too hung up on this one girl to stop stalking her at school. She was trying to fix me up with one of her friends and I just couldn't see it. Wonderful girl, too, and I hate never giving her a chance. I had two gf's after that, very short lived, before I began the 6-year relationship from hell.

Just as well. I heard a few years later that when she was in community college, she got passed around the baseball team and contracted a disease.

The way you pick up stories like mine, sad as they are, is you just keep trying. I've been rejected, dumped, laughed at, ridiculed, beaten, and even threatened with death by a jealous ex-bf. Earlier on I never disguised my intentions. One of my classmates dumped this one girl I'd crushed on, for, like, forever, and he told me I could have her but she probably wasn't into me. I gave it a try. I was disappointed. But at least I tried. The story didn't end the way I'd have liked, but some ending is better than never knowing.

You just can't ever stop. That's all. Dwelling on how bad things are will only keep you paralyzed and demotivated.

About it all being in vain: Quitting is an end unto itself. I need to get back into a band after I got canned from my last one. But right now focusing on only having TWO jobs is a bit of a relief. I'm being plagued by a host of other problems, too, that make the former stuff seem trivial. What pissed me off about the whole thing was not having any control over the situation. So I'm having a difficult time reminding myself I was planning to walk anyway. So now that I'm having to put out other fires it's kinda nice not having to think about stuff that's only gonna make me feel even more depressed.

Like you, I was raised to think quitting means everything was in vain. But what if quitting is really the end of the journey, what you were meant to do the whole time? I'm not suggesting you SHOULD. It's just something you should consider. I always wanted to be a fighter pilot. But I have bad eyesight. Plus for most of my life I wasn't even physically fit enough for it. I'm not cut out for it.

I always wanted to play the oboe. I tried it for one season. It didn't go well. I'm not cut out to play oboe. So I went back to the clarinet. And bass guitar. And tuba. And percussion. And piano. And saxophone... Ok, so I can play a lot of different stuff, but the oboe and the harmonica just ain't it!

It COULD be dating just ain't your awesome. You might do best focusing elsewhere and giving it up. It's not in vain because now you can do something you know is fulfilling, something dating is NOT doing for you at the moment.

I might be wrong, but at least think about it.

Believe me, I understand where you're coming from. Love/dating is a suspension of reason. There are aspects of it that you need to switch off your emotions for. Example: it doesn't make sense to put all your time and effort into ONE person you're crushing on because the likelihood of reciprocation is most often quite low. Logically, remaining emotionally detached and working through your dating pool makes much more sense, relying on casual acquaintances, building trust, and then waiting it out to see if anything meaningful happens between you.

The knee jerk response is ask her out, get rejected, and spend the next 6 months crying about it.

Personally, I prefer the path where I never spend the entire weekend alone.

But as far as what men/women want, what people expect, no, there's nothing logical about it. I hang out hear instead of PPR for the very reason that L&D breaks all "the rules," throws the order of the universe into utter chaos. It's surreal. And it can be a fun and exciting world to navigate.

Marknis--

(I'm trying a different way of quoting, to make the quote bigger.)

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It seems relationships can either happen through asking out people on dates or getting to know them first. However, there is a lot of conflicting views on this and it confuses me. I've read one side that claims you have to start the relationship off from the get go or you will be "friend zoned". But the other side will claim you need to be friends first because women are "scared of strangers".
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Yes, I've practically never gotten anywhere by just going up to someone. I've tried it lots of times, but it only very rarely has worked at all for me--nearly always no result. ...and usually, if anything, a casual visit with someone with whom I wasn't longterm compatible.

I wouldn't rule out that approach, but I certainly wouldn't depend on it.

My best successes have been Internet dating. That's how I met my current girlfriend, whom I've been with for 7 years so far, and with whom I get along fine.

I think this website has its own dating-service, and that would surely be the best way to meet someone most likely to be compatible and understanding.

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I never tried again until later in life. For a long time, I just hoped being nice would make a girl interested in me but that never got me anywhere.
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Well, over a period of many years, anyone is going to encounter some members of the opposite sex who express interest. That happens once in a while, but for a male to be approached by a female, it happens only once in a great while. So I sure wouldn't just wait for that.

But, if it happens, you should try to be ready to respond to it, though it's difficult to be ready for unexpected events on the spur of the moment.

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Just which way is right or should I just shoot my brains out of my skull?
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That solution just makes things worse, even when it works. You're in this life for the purpose of life, obviously, and you plainly aren't done with it.

In my experience, as I always say, the big mistake is to miss out because of fear of taking social chances.

Michael829

I tend to forget about it but my first and only real girlfriend actually did express interest in me first but life hasn't replicated that scenario again.