How do guys signal interest?
Me I'm more along women's way of showing interest. I do quick glances or spshort stares. I show interest by trying to sway hi every time I see them, always trying to talk to them, doing nice things for them.
Yes, that is kind of where our culture has brought us. It's assumed that guys can magically sense if a girl is interested, and girls basically have no means at all to know if a guy is interested (unless he breaks cultural taboos), so she doesn't know if she should flirt with him or not to attract his interest. Our culture has completely misunderstood what "courtship" is. It is not something you do when you already have "asked out". It's something you do to judge potential interest.
Then we have a growing sexual industry that is profiting on what should have been solved with natural courtship instead of generating money for the industry. Not to mention all the dating sites that typically are biased with excerpts of natural courtship, but that doesn't work online anyway.
In my case, a good sign I was interested is when I showed interest in 'feminine' activities or things I otherwise didn't care about. For example, I asked my wife to explain her interest in antiques. I wasn't pretending to get her to like me: it's just I don't show interest in other's activities unless I am interested in them as a person.
Back in the 90's It used to be you made eye contact until she smiles back (if she likes you) or turns head away quick (doesn't want you to approach).
But now If you know anything about Australia, Uk, Canada, USA and its insane Neo-Cromwellian laws, you'll know they have ZERO TOLERANCE for men displaying courting behaviour in public, and certainly not in the workplace or student campus.
You can literally make the morning News in Australia if you say "hello" to a female stranger on a night train.
It's commendable cause it means guys get BlackPilled in an instant and women wonder why we otten don't give out signals unless we are absolutely sure you're hinting first.
_________________
Life had kept him waiting, regretting his pain inside. Had to feel underrated, and hated, besides. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kvLVSPPLZZY
Never respond to a "sexual" cue. That's a guy who wants to have sex with you - that's all. He will keep on having sex with you until he gets bored and finds someone else to have sex with. The best cue to look for when a guy is truly interested in "you" is when a guy takes an interest in your career or hobby (activity) that you might have. Especially, if he wants to come see you do what you do best. That is the ultimate compliment. My daughter-in-law likes to remember how she and my older son got together. She volunteered in an animal shelter where my son went to often just see the animals and bring donations for their needs. He started "only" going there when she was on duty. After a bit, he asked her out for coffee. They are both on the spectrum and very happy with each other. She is more affected by AS than him but they're happy together. He appears NT until you live with him day after day. They have 2 dogs and four cats. They both believe that their love of domestic pets brought them together.
Conversation is the started point of interest. Not physical/sexual attraction. There is no such thing as "chemistry". Chemistry implies something magical, mystical, sexual - a romp between the sheets and that's it - the end. Real attraction is down to finding enjoyment in the same activities. I met my husband of 25 years that started out with a conversation about late night comedy programs on the radio back in the late seventies, such as the Midnight Special with Wolfman Jack, Dr. Demento, WYSP's Comedy Hour, WMMR radio. We both lived in Philadelphia back in the 70's - we had a LOT to talk about. It clicked and is still clicking after all this time. I consider myself fortunate and bless every day of my life. Sometimes, when I was young, I had these magical, mysterious, chemistry-controlled sexual reltionships with people that used to make me when wonder, "Is this a relationship?" It seemed that the only time this was a relationship when when I was on top of a mattress and someone was on top of me. If you ever have to ask yourself, "Is this a relatiosnhip?", that means that it isn't. Relationships are about "relating". If you can't relate to anything in each others lives, then that person isn't for you. It doesn't make them evil. They're just not for you. Sorry for this post being so long.
Last edited by RightGalaxy on 07 Sep 2017, 8:39 am, edited 1 time in total.
that1weirdgrrrl
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I do think it is worth doing some research on flirting behaviors as related to body language.
I know this sounds very NT, but I've noticed that some flirting behaviors are compulsive if the person is in fact attracted to another. Neurologic isn't going to trump this entirely (while some behaviors might feel uncomfortable to an AS person, not all of the behaviors will, and something will show through if you know what to look for).
Look for research by Joe Navarro or Paul Eckman.
/ unsolicited advice
_________________
...what do the public, the great unobservant public, who could hardly tell a weaver by his tooth or a compositor by his left thumb, care about the finer shades of analysis and deduction!
Conversation is the started point of interest. Not physical/sexual attraction. There is no such thing as "chemistry". Chemistry implies something magical, mystical, sexual - a romp between the sheets and that's it - the end. Real attraction is down to finding enjoyment in the same activities. I met my husband of 25 years that started out with a conversation about late night comedy programs on the radio back in the late seventies, such as the Midnight Special with Wolfman Jack, Dr. Demento, WYSP's Comedy Hour, WMMR radio. We both lived in Philadelphia back in the 70's - we had a LOT to talk about. It clicked and is still clicking after all this time. I consider myself fortunate and bless every day of my life. Sometimes, when I was young, I had these magical, mysterious, chemistry-controlled sexual reltionships with people that used to make me when wonder, "Is this a relationship?" It seemed that the only time this was a relationship when when I was on top of a mattress and someone was on top of me. If you ever have to ask yourself, "Is this a relatiosnhip?", that means that it isn't. Relationships are about "relating". If you can't relate to anything in each others lives, then that person isn't for you. It doesn't make them evil. They're just not for you. Sorry for this post being so long.
Now you are telling us exactly what our culture has indoctrinated us to believe. Courtship is NOT to match interests or getting to know somebody. Courtship is about how you find out if a guy or girl is interested in you or not. So, you are completely wrong when you say that a guy that shows "sexual cues" is only interested in you for sex. That doesn't follow at all. It's a signal that means he is interested in YOU. Sure, in the end, he might only be interested in sex, but that is a conclusion you cannot draw until you know him better. And that is valid regardless if he shows you sexual cues, if he asks you out, or if you already know him as a friend or colleague.
I know this sounds very NT, but I've noticed that some flirting behaviors are compulsive if the person is in fact attracted to another. Neurologic isn't going to trump this entirely (while some behaviors might feel uncomfortable to an AS person, not all of the behaviors will, and something will show through if you know what to look for).
Look for research by Joe Navarro or Paul Eckman.
/ unsolicited advice
In the NT world, they get sexually attracted first and then attempt to find some common interest. It's safer for those in the AS world to find common interest first and then see if you can get used to the fact that you didn't find each other physically appealing. We hurt more than the average NT after breakups. We often stay lonely longer as well unless we are extremely good-looking or very rich. Then we get used for sex and/or money or just company for those who just got dumped. The problem with our whole population (AS) is that we are constantly trying to model NT behavior. You're better off accepting the truth that we are different - not wrong. Just different from them.
Conversation is the started point of interest. Not physical/sexual attraction. There is no such thing as "chemistry". Chemistry implies something magical, mystical, sexual - a romp between the sheets and that's it - the end. Real attraction is down to finding enjoyment in the same activities. I met my husband of 25 years that started out with a conversation about late night comedy programs on the radio back in the late seventies, such as the Midnight Special with Wolfman Jack, Dr. Demento, WYSP's Comedy Hour, WMMR radio. We both lived in Philadelphia back in the 70's - we had a LOT to talk about. It clicked and is still clicking after all this time. I consider myself fortunate and bless every day of my life. Sometimes, when I was young, I had these magical, mysterious, chemistry-controlled sexual reltionships with people that used to make me when wonder, "Is this a relationship?" It seemed that the only time this was a relationship when when I was on top of a mattress and someone was on top of me. If you ever have to ask yourself, "Is this a relatiosnhip?", that means that it isn't. Relationships are about "relating". If you can't relate to anything in each others lives, then that person isn't for you. It doesn't make them evil. They're just not for you. Sorry for this post being so long.
Now you are telling us exactly what our culture has indoctrinated us to believe. Courtship is NOT to match interests or getting to know somebody. Courtship is about how you find out if a guy or girl is interested in you or not. So, you are completely wrong when you say that a guy that shows "sexual cues" is only interested in you for sex. That doesn't follow at all. It's a signal that means he is interested in YOU. Sure, in the end, he might only be interested in sex, but that is a conclusion you cannot draw until you know him better. And that is valid regardless if he shows you sexual cues, if he asks you out, or if you already know him as a friend or colleague.
In the NT world, they get sexually attracted first and then attempt to find some common interest. It's safer for those in the AS world to find common interest first and then see if you can get used to the fact that you didn't find each other physically appealing. We hurt more than the average NT after breakups. We often stay lonely longer as well unless we are extremely good-looking or very rich. Then we get used for sex and/or money or just company for those who just got dumped. The problem with our whole population (AS) is that we are constantly trying to model NT behavior. You're better off accepting the truth that we are different - not wrong. Just different from them.
Not at all. Courtship is species-typical and highly consistent. It has to be to work between individuals that don't know each other. So, the claim that humans have individual signals makes no sense at all. The truth rather is that our culture has tabooed everything even remotely related to courtship, and then has recommended some cultural scripts that only works (for NTs) because of side-effects.
I agree with Tim Tex wholeheartedly. I personally find "traditional" signals shallow and a bit embarrassing not to mention rather backward.
That goes completely against everything I've found out by surveying NTs and NDs.
NTs typically bond with sex during dating, or while in relationships, and they are the ones that are picky about common interests and have problems with not having the same cultural values. This is exactly the purpose of dating: To find somebody with matching interests and cultural views so they don't need to compromise on those later.
NDs, on the other hand, won't bond with friends, and thus the "friends-first" approach only creates a bond if they have an infatuation, and when they have, it's not really a friendship. And NDs don't get infatuations on people they know too well. Many NDs will not bond with sex or dating either, rather will only bond with obsessive thoughts, which only enters the picture when they have a crush. In addition to that, NDs easily create common interests and also adjusts their cultural views to match those of their crush, so they really don't need to match those beforehand.
Because of those differences, it is a lot more important for NDs to feel attracted and infatuated by a potential partner than for NTs. NTs can always compensate for this by bonding with sex when they are in a relationship, but this doesn't work for many NDs. There is a reason why some NDs claim they cannot fall in love or form strong attachments, and that is because they go about relationships in the wrong way.
Agreed, but that doesn't make the "friend first" method any better. That's because it appears that many so-called friendships that NDs claim to have with the opposite sex are not friendships, but crushes or believed to be potential relationships. Once they understand it will not get past the friendship state, they quickly lose interest.
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that1weirdgrrrl
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The_Face_of_Boo
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The Face of Boo I like your sense of humour.
To everyone else who replied, thank you. A lot to think about.
My obsession is human behaviour I guess. I like observing people. I like learning what they do in different situations and why, dating and courting included.
I wasn't very clear with my question it seems.
How do guys signal interest that goes beyond sexual attraction?
How do I know when a guy is interested in me and not only my body?
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