My Partner has aspergers- the toll on my emotional health

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Sly, that's just it, what many of us find is that the doing stuff, spending time, hugs/kisses are not there. If they are there for you then you are ahead of this problem. You are right about in the workplace and physical things. But between friends, it is the withdrawal and lack of contact or short bursts of contact that are lacking in content making you feel unfulfilled. It's like you thought you had a CLOSE friend, but then more often than not you are treated more like a mere acquaintance and it messed with your head because it does not match what kind of relationship you THOUGHT you had, and so it feels like betrayal or like you were being teased into thinking you had a friend but then he's not there for you and it seems he never cared at all. If you didn't know about the Asperger's you honestly would say F** off because the outward behavior is taken as very mean. But then the problem becomes even worse because you do know about the Asperger's, and so you end up making excuses like "it's the Asperger's, he really does care, he's really my friend, he doesn't mean that, if he doesn't always respond to messages he's just being alone right now, if he doesn't initiate contact it's because he doesn't know how or why to do that, I must mean something to him because he means so much to me...." This goes on and on. But in reality there is no validation that any of this is true. And often it's the opposite. Things you thought based on his previous kind behaviors are countered and thrown upside down. It's agonizing. And this is just with a relationship of friendship. Now everyone here knows by now that I have deeper feelings for my aspie friend, and that probably makes it worse, but I honestly cannot imagine actually being in a relationship like this and how invalidating that would be. None of this is meant to be mean. It is just complete honesty about what it is like to be on the other side of Asperger's and love someone who has it. It is really a cold lonely place.

And let's not forget that the more we're criticized for not being this way, the more we tend to close off in general. There are good ways to bring back whatever empathy was there at the onset of a relationship, and there are bad ways to cause a downward spiral.

You sound really emotionally needy and clingy and quite frankly you should find someone who can deliver what you're looking for in a relationship or you're going to be heartbroken for a lifetime.
If you need constant validation, find someone who will validate you.

The people in my life are great because we can not see or contact each other for months and when we do meet up it's like we've never been apart.
There's no constant demands for attention, or resentful thoughts, just the joy of their company.
If they need me they will contact me and vice versa.
They know I love them because I would do anything for them.
I'm extremely loyal and caring.
My friendships are deep and long-lasting.
I've been with my partner for over 20 years and we're still in love.
We just "get" each other.

You need to find someone who will "get" you.

In turn there are also ways to build upon prior empathy that aren't really constrained by time.

As cold or indifferent as any of us might seem, we're all alive & conscious; subject to positive change. I know I'm a confusing, awkward guy sometimes, which makes me all the more thankful for love in my life.

It's a really typical Man-Women difference conflict, even between non-AS men and women - shown in the video posted by hurtloam.

AS Men are simply less socially adept to know how to deal with it.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 25 Sep 2017, 3:56 am, edited 1 time in total.

One of the comments:

I've been married for qute a few years now, and what I see is crucial is that both people in a relationship learn to spot the other person's feelings. Autistic people come in lots of varieties; some learn to read their partner's body language after a while, and others just feel overwhelmed and confused. In any case it is important that the NT partner explains what they are feeling. I have asked my husband to do that for me, as I often have troble with subtle differences in expression. Autistic people will often interpret a lot of strong emotion such as for example 'intense', 'having a headache' 'irritable' or 'stressed out' as plain old 'angry'.

Also, NTs need to get their head around interpreting autistic body language. I know myself that when stress levels get high, I become more and more stone-faced and monosyllabic, which people interpret as not caring, being focused on other things, being unemotional, etc..

This is a two way street. Does the NT partner understand the autistic person's feelings, does he/she support the autistic person when they are having a hard time? Autistic people tend not to ask for help, we're used to being ignored and mocked for asking for help, and sometimes it simply doesn't occur to us that anyone actually could be able to help us.

Also...something to keep in mind about gender roles: some men have been spoilt rotten by their mothers, and they expect a female partner to pick up where their mother left off. This applies to NT men as well as autistic men. The difference is that the NT men to a much larger extent are able to hide their selfishness and appear to care more than they really do. In this respect, autism can be a boon, because with an autistic partner there is some possibility for change, if communication is good.

Have you tried communicating with your partner in writing? Autistic people often express themselves much better that way. Sometimes, and I think this is particularly relevant for the men, a conversation about feelings feels mostly like being pilloried. We are not good at defending ourselves in real time.

About the support sites for partners of autistic men....oh boy. I'm sure there are some nice people there, but some of the NT wives....ye gods. I really think that if they dislike and disrespect their autistic partners so much, they should have left years ago. Some of them write things that, if you allow yourself to think so badly of your partner, it is the death of your relationship. Some autistics end up picking emotionally abusive partners, and it really shows.

I know Tony Attwood chaired some sort of meetup for partners of people with Asperger's in London some time ago. That's a good idea, to get a bunch of partners together, and get an expert clinician in the field to give input. People have a lot of misconceptions about autism.

Sorry, don't know what it's like to be an NT spouse, but at least here you can hear what autistics say for themselves. Just be aware that a lot of people here have suffered a lot of abuse for their autistic behaviors, and that this is one of very few places where people feel safe.

Yeah, I've got a female friend and things definitely go much smoother if I just let her vent on me and be understanding first, then try to fix the issue later.

In a way that's quite convenient actually, because empathizing with someone is a hell of a lot easier than actually solving their problems, lol.

First I would like to say that we do have emotions and we have the capacity for empathy. Many of us have neurological visual and auditory impairments though in the sense that we may not be able to readily detect micro expressions and tones that convey your emotional state and your needs. In this respect, it may be helpful to interact with us in a manner similar to how you might with someone who is blind or deaf and explicitly communicate how you are feeling or what you need.

I do not know of any support groups specifically for those in a relationship with those on the spectrum, though I wouldn't necessarily as I'm the one on the spectrum. I do know that there are a number of books aimed at women with husbands on the spectrum.

I think you mean "less socially adept". Or you could say "Too socially inept".

Stop trying to fix it!!










Thanks for the fix though .

I will state emphatically that I am NOT needy or clingy. I am normal, NT, just as the majority of humans are. Those with asperger's are different, and it is a result of those differences that throw the majority into emotional chaos. It would be naive to think that an asperger's person can simply find someone who will not have tremendous difficulty with the effects of the disability. They will. And they will hurt. You cannot pretend that does not exist, NT or AS. Finding the right person does not mean this problem will not exist for you, it only means what a person is willing to endure for their love of you. But there will always be a certain level of unfulfillment and sadness. It cannot just be ignored and blamed on the NT partner.

To not understand the perspective of the deep emotional needs of someone not in the spectrum is the very crux of being on the spectrum. Why do you think aspies have trouble with relationships? Isn't that the entire source of aspie relationship problems in the first place? It is a classic aspie response to call us needy or clingy in response to us being normal.... That is the exact thing the op is referring to and how it completely invalidates us for normal human needs. Asperger's is the disability, not the other way around.

Last edited by imhere on 25 Sep 2017, 4:52 am, edited 1 time in total.

^ ok, well you know best.

You're generalizing too much. There is huge variety on the spectrum. You seem to have locked yourself into a dynamic that both fulfils some emotional need and creates other problems for you.

Love hurts.

If it were me, I'd try to find workarounds rather than enduring, or just letting go and moving on with my life. Life's too short for this crap.

Straight from the horse's mouth.

That's brilliant.

I'm a clingy aspie. I don't find women like emotional attention and touch. Most women seem to want distance and go week without talking. The independent and all that.

Women are confusing.

Though seems we have another apsies are incapable of love and emotions nt. Guesssing she had bad experiences with a aspie and is gneralixing that on all aspies.

I certainly wouldn't like going weeks without talking to my close friends.