Guys Paying on a Date

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You might see it as big and strong, but I see it as someone who is weak willed and a pushover. Someone who needs a way to compensate for his lack of confidence.

Reminds me of my brother. Every time he comes to town he takes a particular friend out for whatever he wants and always pays for everything. I had to resist telling him with we were eating out that he is only a 'friend' because you keep paying all his tabs!
This friend is almost 40 and still acts like a child because nobody has ever forced him to act like one. Trust me, dating a child is a miserable experience!


If I had my time back, I would have told "Christine" to pound sand when she suggested an expensive local pub for a first date. She had no problem running up my tab and then the instant it was paid she literally ran out and down the street like I was a serial rapist. I eventually learned to put a $5 limit on date #1.

Given that young women and young men are very similar in their earning capacity (women actually make slightly more due to most jobs requiring good social skills) I see no reason why adults can't pay their own way.

First, that seems needlessly insulting and confrontational based on next to no information whatsoever. Sooo...consider this me implying penile inadequacy on your part, or something.

Second, There were weeks between our first and second dates (separate cities). Weeks I spent getting to know both her and her friends, and the emerging image is one of a girl who's been through several layers of hell, a girl who despite her own issues is determined not to be a burden and instead try to help others in similiar situations, and a girl so fiercely independent that despite her meager financial situation she probably would have fought me if I didn't pull the trick I did. Do forgive me if my "provide and protect" instincts come out to play for a girl of that character. I'm told some men have those.

I don't mind paying on a date, but I won't do it for just anyone. So do feel free to shove that "weak-willed pushover" nonsense right where it belongs.

It wasn't aimed at you personally, it's just how I feel about the concept as a whole. It doesn't make any sense to me, that one should have to pay for others just to spend time together.

This guy has some great points in my opinion.

^ and this guy too:



Guys should globally start to put those social rules and expectations on women (I do expect this btw- even if they reciprocate with a small gesture like a small dessert, I am fine).

Just because she sings about it doesn't mean she actually believes so... unless she has said so in an interview or something... people shouldn't assume things based solely on words in a song.

I say whoever asks for a date picks up the bill. The reason why is if YOU want a date with someone, YOU should make it worth her time. It’s a reward for that person spending time with you when she could just as well be doing something else worthwhile.

If things go well, you get a second date. If things do NOT go well, at least she was entertained for an hour and got a free meal, so she doesn’t leave COMPLETELY empty handed.

Beyond the third date, assuming there’s some sort of exclusive arrangement, you decide how the money is going to work between the two of you. I once took summer classes in college. I did ok with a girl for the most part. When the money ran out and I had to ask her to drive up and pay for dates or just take a break for a few weeks until things got stable again, she suddenly couldn’t be bothered to answer the phone when I called.

Guys who can always pick up the bill and never sweat it if she never pays will always have an advantage over the perpetually poor such as myself.

I like the guy to pay on first date and he has usually asked me. But if I ask, I pay or offer to. I usually try to do something cheap, a couple of drinks or coffee because I don't like the expectation on him paying for a big date. If it works out I'm at the bar first, for example, I'm happy to pick up the drinks, but I'll be honest, I like the guy to offer to pay.

But I'm not dating anymore as I'm in a steady relationship. My boyfriend paid for everything on the first date (which ended up being kinda expensive, it was going so well we got dinner, etc even though we were just meeting for drinks) . But the next date, I invited him to my house and made him a nice dinner. When we were still dating each of us picked up the bill every other time when we went out.

Now he also usually pays for dinners out, but that's because I feed him and his children a lot at my house and he only feeds me at his house once a week and we don't go out as often anyway, because we're happy staying in most nights.

Genuine question: Do you reward your friends for spending time with you?

I don't believe this mentality honestly, do you even listen to yourself? a "reward"?? For spending time with me??
So if you two didn't split the bill, then the whole date was a waste of her time? She would hate it just because of that? She would have preferred to spend it with her girlfriends instead?

Sorry dude, but this is a total whore-fitifcation of the setting. You seriously make it sound like prostitution.

And ANY woman who thinks of man paying for dinner as a form of reward for her spending time with him, in my opinion has a 'prostitute personality'.

I would hope my date to want to spend time with me ....because she likes me and wants to spend time with me, and if she wants a 2nd date, is because we like each other and we both want to spend more time together. Oh the f*****g shockers! How dare I expect something like that!

And I would have sex with her only if she desires to have it with me as much as I do, and not because it's a comeback 'reward' for my 'reward'.
Same logic I would apply for wanting to have a relationship with her.

Not because we expect some rewards from each other.

Dating on reward-basis = prostitution.

Reward is relative. The direct answer is “probably not.” The slightly more complex answer it depends on whether they value my company.

I wouldn’t ask a girl out if I didn’t get some reward, even if I’m paying for the date. My reward is I get to know a girl better and I have companionship for at least one evening on the weekend.

Regarding FRIENDS, which I have few of, I would THINK would be glad to spend time with me and that’s enough. I pay them most in time and attention, less so with money.

THAT SAID...

Stronger relationships are most often built on top of generosity. Would I pay for my friends to hang out with me if I could afford it? You bet. And I very well do it when I can.

Two examples: my wife has become quite fond of a certain elderly socialite. Two years ago we began a “family night” once a month. No matter how bad our money situation was, we made sure we would go out once a month because we value solidarity over money. Over time we figured out if we were careful, we could invite at least one friend to join our “family.” So a few times a year we get to hang out with our friend. My wife now takes care of her pills, we are both emergency contacts should she fall or have a medical emergency, and so on. Some people remark that she’s taking advantage of us, but we remind them we love her and see her as the closest thing to a grandmother that we have.

The other example is we’ve invited a prominent Catholic priest in the area to our family night. Same idea, and it’s worked amazingly well in building relationships with leaders in the community and overall just nice people.

Pay for your friends? Every chance we get. But keep in mind we are not rich and thus have to be very careful with that.

Generosity is often, I find, little understood with the younger generation now. Young people these days EXPECT to be spent on, as though they are owed a free supper. As you get older, you’ll find generosity will get you a lot further along. Even IF someone really is taking advantage and bleeding you dry, at least you get to know someone well enough to be a better judge of character. We can always simply stop taking care of our elderly friend, and we have no obligation to the father. But we enjoy having these folks in our lives and see nothing wrong with parting with $50-$100 every now and then to enjoy their company.

Well I'm a lesbian...can't relate.

I guess instead of just assuming someone will pay your tab for you, you guys talk it over?

AngelRho is correct, someone with $ will always have the upper hand over others without $ when it comes to dating. Not only are they able to pick up the tab for that date, chances are their "overall attractiveness," is a bar or two above, too, because of the underlying qualities that they have that enable them to both earn & keep more money - it's caveman stuff.. women are attracted to Alpha male providers & the ability to pay for dates is an early indicator of one's financial resources.

Is what it is, those without $ have bigger challenges & have to overcome them with charm, personality, humour, thoughtfulness, dreams & goals, love & attention etc if they're not initially perceived as the financially stable provider type.


As for rewarding friends, my answer is yes-and-no it's more complicated than that. With friends there's no implied social contract that dates/time & money spent is intended to lead to a romantic, intimate, relationship, so the time we invest with friends is simply apples to oranges compared to a date. That said, if I'm in a position to do so (and I pretty much always am, these days) I'll pay for certain friends' way for dinner/drinks etc because I want to. There are a few close friends in my life that I love dearly and I couldn't care less if they EVER have $x to splash out on dinner or drinks with me due to low income and extremely high costs of living, I don't mind treating them to whatever it is, so, I do it. It's not a bribe or reward for spending time with me, it's simply because I love & appreciate them and I have the resources to treat them, so, I do. It's a bit like my nature of buying Christmas presents for them, too. I don't expect gifts in return - I get from giving.

No, it's not always a one sided thing and I'm certainly not being taken advantage of, either. I used to always pay the tab for one friend, because I wanted to. Fast forward half our lives and now whenever I'm out with him or his family, like I was for dinner last night, I can pull out my wallet to pay my way (or the whole tab) and he refuses. Ever since he knew I had financial difficulties a decade ago, combined with his business being ever more successful, he's been the one to pick up the tab - especially in the last few years with his business taking off. It's a bit bothersome at times, as I at least like to pay my own way, or to treat him to a beer or his wife & kids to a meal.. but w/e, I spoil those kids so much on their birthdays & Christmas. So, yeah, he's like me and treats others well, picks up the tabs all-the-time, because he can, and I'm sure it makes him feel good to be able to treat his friends to things just as it does for me.

IMO, if you've never had a friend you've wanted to treat to something, or have never had one that does so for you.. maybe it's time for new friends.

I agree with this guy. Expecting the guy to pay sets up an unequal dynamic from the start.

I honestly don't think it's that deep, everyone.

Split the bill, or talk about it.