Should parents teach boys on the spectrum how to date?

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Parents should model healthy relationships. I can only speak from my own experience, but adult relationships suck. You can’t teach what you don’t know

True. My parents fought all the time, and right in front of me to boot. (Needless to say, they ignored my pleading, telling them to stop.) I vowed to let allow any woman to come near me romantically. Although I wanted to have a girlfriend at one point, I still cringed at the thought of having a wife.

Another thing: adults sometimes tell kids really naive things. Not the truth, but what they wish were the truth, and trying to vicariously live out that "truth" by teaching it to kids. Even my therapist, a person with a Master's degree in psychology, used to tell me "just tell that girl how you feel". Which, as most people learn by high school, is not how it works.

Teaching them not to be a Nice Guy (TM) would be good.

I think there also needs to be a thread on teaching girls on the spectrum how to date.

That's true. But many of today's parents grew up during the time when being a Nice Guy (TM) actually worked. Or at least it wasn't the horrible kiss of death it is today. So they teach it to their kids, either due to simplistic mindset that "nice = good" or because it's all they know.

They should learn their kids that it is okay not to want relationships and specialy teach them to protect themselfs against pregnancy!

And adding to this, some parents (like mine) may seem to be somewhat stuck to an old-fashioned way of thinking about ideas. And maybe sometimes those ideas actually worked when they were young, but this isn't 1960 anymore. We have became too "politically correct" or offended, hurt by some people's opinions or ideas. Of course, some people are going to label me as "disrespecting women" or anything else for even starting to breathe such an idea.

And sometimes I even have to wonder if I was born 50+ years earlier, that my luck and success with dating as a guy would be any different, or if I would be more likely to be accepted by women in a "league" I like.

I think you're right. They have to think for themselves. I understand I'm not going to get EVERYTHING my way. But I think it's more important my children see me stand on principle, stand FOR something, than simply not care or not make any moves to help them in doing the right thing. I absolutely WILL NOT put my money behind something I feel strongly against. They aren't entitled to anything of mine. However, if they want to make decisions I cannot support, then they should be independent enough to support themselves without any need for my help.

The problem of family involvement is that whether you agree with it or not, parents very often DO try to influence their kids and their kids' marriages. Take marrying outside culture and religion, as an example. Even if I didn't make a big deal about it, what about the other side? Plain fact is that parents WILL force their children to take sides--either you side with your SO/spouse, or you side with us. When it comes to deciding between your mother or your bf, the tendency is to do whatever your mother says, even if it's at the expense of your SO. The reason is ONLY YOUR MOTHER can pull that card, the "I carried you in my belly for 14 months. I changed your diapers and wiped up your poop. I waded through poop, pee, and vomit. I worked hard my whole life to keep you in good schools, to put you through college. I bought you clothes, your car, let you live with me when you couldn't find a job. I lived in abject poverty so I could give you the very best of EVERYTHING, and THIS is how you repay me?" routine. In-laws CAN and WILL ruin your life and relationships.

Which is WHY it's so important to tread carefully and scope out the potential in-laws. Are they meddlers, or will they support you in every way possible within reason? And yes, I fully intend to meddle. A respectful young man or woman really has nothing to worry about from me. But if this is someone who is going to be an influence on my son or daughter in the long term, if it means possibly allying my family with criminals or worse, or if it means keeping them away from abusers and crazies, then I absolutely do fully intend to meddle away.

My mom had a talent for doing this very quietly and subtly. I could always tell when a relationship was doomed when she said, "Well, when things don't work out, you'll always be able to find someone nice..." Ok, REALLY??? Really, mom? If I'd been smart, I'd have dumped the girl on the spot. But no, I had to let things play out. The girl I DID later break up with, well, my mom was really disappointed. And, whadya know? That's the one I eventually married. lol

It's not so much that I'd be a meddler or my wife would be a meddler. It's that all prospective in-laws have the potential for this kind of behavior. My wife and I both worked for divorce attorneys at various times. Some things we saw destroy marriages were things like, in no specific rank or order: infidelity, intimacy (lack of), cheating/disagreement on finances, religion, and in-laws. When you think about it, love and feeeeeeeeeeelings that go along with love are really rather pointless. They have their place and purpose, yes. But feeeeeeeeelings next to mom don't amount to much. Feeeeeeelings vs. religion. Feeeeeeeelings vs. that one extra credit card she "forgets" to tell her husband about. Feeeeeeelings vs. that co-worker he had lunch with the other day. Maybe in someone's version of the perfect world both sets of parents are supportive, stay out of the way, and let their kids do whoever they want or whoever they feeeeeeeeeel like. But this isn't that world. So...yeah, I want to know if the other parents are in agreement with my wife and I on ideals and values. Because we can all meet for dinner just for fun, throw parties, go hunting, or whatever... We can fight over who keeps the grandkids for the weekend so our children can get to work making us even MORE grandkids. I shouldn't have to worry about the other set of parents keeping the kids while they're busy cooking meth and trafficking humans.

If that's the direction my children insist on going, they'll have to do it on their own. I cannot pay their hospital bills when the meth lab blows. I can't bail them out of jail when cops pull them over for being wasted, or when they get caught stealing prescription opioids. I can't help them when DHS yanks their kids and places them with foster families full of sexual perverts. I can't afford to raise their kids for them. I would feeeeeeeel terribly, but all the feeeeeeeeelings in the world won't save them.

I believe in loving by doing. I'll DO whatever it takes to make sure my kids don't end up THERE. And yes, that absolutely DOES mean choosing their mates if there's any way I can possibly do it. Finding the right family is always a good positive step in that direction. Because her family will love our son almost as much as we do, and we will love our new daughter even MORE because we KNOW our son is an idiot and doesn't deserve someone as good as her, when neither our son nor his wife are forced to choose between flesh-and-blood and each other, and EVERYONE works together for the common cause of harmony between our respective families.


Oh geez...why is my religion such a big deal?

My reaction... Quite simple: I'd be very, very disappointed. I'd feel like everything we tried to build, everything we believe in and value had been rejected by our children. Exactly what CAN I do about it? Well, I'm not going to throw my support behind something I don't believe in.

Actually, I work with children all the time. The single best way to modify behavior is to remove any stimulus or reward for poor choices. A kid can't hit another kid in the head with a baseball bat for instance if there's no baseball bat. A couple of weeks ago--true story--I took a 7th grade girl's saxophone neck/mouthpiece away because, and yes, I used these exact words, "This toy is being very bad and needs to go in time-out. I'll give it back when it learns to make better choices." Anyway, a child can't date someone we disapprove of if a) we make it impossible for them to see each other, or eliminate the opportunity, and b) we don't allow our children to date in the first place. Their formative years are for studying/gaining practical knowledge of their world so that they can function independently, NOT break dad's pocketbook because he's lost his head over some girl.

Speaking of losing heads--I am NOT going to deal with my daughter's breaking heart, which is going to keep her up all night, when she's supposed to be writing a big paper or studying for an important exam. I've been a stay-at-home dad for some 5 or 6 years. I didn't change all those diapers and wipe all those butts just to have to deal with THAT kind of crap and waste all this money on private schools. Dating and relationships can wait. By the time you're independent and can handle it, there will be plenty of time and opportunity and you'll know exactly who we'd approve of.

Dating an atheist or other non-Christian is really a non-issue for the foreseeable future.

And finally, I mean...trying to deal with a hypothetical situation doesn't really do that much good. My reaction would be disappointment, pure and simple. It's simply NOT going to happen for as long as they are under our care. We aren't going to allow them to date. But beyond our care, it's unlikely because kids will ordinarily tend to adopt the values of their parents, at least as long as the parents stress the importance of those values and those values become shared between parents and kids. And that's easy to do as long as the kids are reaping the benefits of those values. I don't automatically assume that my kids will be rebellious simply because we are strict parents. It's just that even if they did rebel, chances are they'll go back to what we taught them simply because they'll see and understand the results of everything we taught them. Or if they don't...well, they're grown up and have to choose their own path. There's no point in me worrying about it, and my disappointment--what's it going to matter to them how I feel, anyway?

As to religion--let me clarify something: I believe that Jesus' blood has atoned for all the sins of the world and all who believe are saved. I COULD give a deeper exposition of my faith, such as my views on the Trinity, predestination, why I think Catholics are wrong, how Pentecostals always have the best music, but that right there (Jesus and salvation) covers a huge chunk of the fundamentals of my faith. And yes, I do take THAT very seriously. Yes, part of that means I take the Bible literally insofar as the Bible reveals itself to be meant literally (Psalms are creative works, not a discourse on stellar or planetary movements, and Proverbs are wisdom sayings and riddles, just as two examples). The most important question of God, Jesus, the Bible is what do you do about salvation? Can you save yourself? No? Then what do you do with God's grace?

My religion has nothing to do with my views on relationships. The Bible, on the other hand, aside from Divine inspiration, is filled with wisdom regarding all human relationships, and I don't even think you have to be a Christian to take something away from that.

The war between the sexes is one result (among many) of a fallen creation. Eve was taken from Adam's side, not from his head (to rule over him), not from his foot (to be trampled by him). God's plan for the sexes was always cooperation for mutual benefit. Taking Adam and Eve before the fall isn't a bad model for couples, amiright?

I claim a lot of influences and do dig their correspondence with Biblical principles. Dale Carnegie based his work entirely on applying reciprocity (How To Win Friends And Influence People). Ayn Rand, an atheist with a particular disdain for Christians, taught rational self-interest as the cornerstone of Objectivism. The Bible teaches "there is no one good; no, not one." Jesus said, "If you who are evil know to give good things to your children, how much more so will your Father in heaven, Who is good, give to those who ask Him? Therefore, do for others as you would want them to do for you." I mean...even JESUS admits that all our motives are selfish. Even becoming a Christian...why become a Christian in the first place? To escape the fires and eternal torment of Gehenna ("hell" in the KJV), to reap the reward of heaven and eternity in God's presence. Certainly not because we're "good people." MOST CERTAINLY not for altruism, which is just stupid, anyway. What, was Jesus altruistic for dying on the cross? Heck, no. Jesus valued other human beings. The BIG question is, setting aside true, evil motives, do we want God? Do we value salvation enough to admit to our own evil nature? That's what matter MOST. But back up...the motives are all based on our own self-interest.

What happens is we recognize that our self-interests are best served by our investment in others, when we reward their interests and encourage innovation. When we seek the best in others for the good of all. Not when we take from one according to ability and give according to need. That IS altruism. It's discouraging and it sucks. Read the Book of Acts. Proto-Christians tried it. It didn't work. They meant well, but in the end someone always wants to keep something for themselves. Acts informs us of a married couple who did just that and were killed on the spot.

Accept the fact that you are evil and self-interested. Don't make rash promises you can't or don't intend to keep. Support and encourage your mate. Invest in him or her because you VALUE him or her in your life and want to see him or her succeed just as much as you want to succeed for yourself. Reap the benefits of working together. It's good stuff.

Where does this come from? Rand or the Bible? Does it matter? No, it's good stuff. It's human nature. Doesn't matter if it's Rand or Jesus, because wisdom is wisdom. I'd argue that all true wisdom is from God of course (which would probably seriously piss Ayn Rand off, but I don't care). Doesn't matter if you actually BELIEVE in God or not, you can benefit from the material rewards and be a pagan or an atheist. Or even a Satanist. See, my religion has nothing to do with the "wisdom" of the Bible. My religion is concerned with salvation, not wisdom, because "the wisdom of men is foolishness..." Biblical wisdom INFORMS my views on relationships and marriage. Yes, I seek to glorify God in the way in which I relate to my wife and children. I try to be consistent in the advice I give. But helping people, being married, and being strict on my children are not my religion. My faith in Jesus IS.

Yes parents should teach boys and girls on the spectrum how to date but for most of us our parents don't teach us how to date.

I only know one person whose university was paid for by their parents. The rest paid for their own university, usually through loans. I realise you'll never let your kids get a college loan but most do and for many it's their only option. This wouldn't be an effective deterrent for most people.

It sure wouldn't have been an effective deterrent for me. I paid upfront using my own money. Not that I was dating at the time.

Show me the person not ruled by emotion and I'll show you a liar. Everyone is ruled by their emotions to such an extent that people without emotions have serious difficulty making decisions.

No. You're wrong. He's not working for free. He's working to pay for a service that he used. You can't buy stuff and then not pay for it. That would be theft. If you think paying off your college.

I agree that not taking a loan is a good idea but it's still not "working for free" if he's working to pay for a service he used. It's not slavery either. No one forced him to go college. No one forced him into that job. Slavery is something you're forced into.


I agree completely. As I said, I only know one person whose parents funded their college and she's a spoiled brat who expects other people to buy stuff for her.

I rhink a lot of aspies are better of living alone in solitude. Parents shouldn't make a big deal of them getting any relationships. It's like trying to force a gay to be straight.

No they don't.
The war between the sexes has been greatly exaggerated. It exists mainly on the interentent and is fought between SJW losers from tumblr and MRA losers from reddit. In the real world men and women get along just fine in the vast majority of cases.

It’s not meant to be a deterrent. If a child is sufficiently independent, it’s not going to matter if I’m not paying for college. They are free to do as they want. As long as they are dependent on me, however, I do maintain control. I’m under no obligation to pay if I disagree with how my money is spent. They might do what they want anyway, but I’m going to know. And if I don’t like what I see, I’m not going to help them.

Slavery is not necessarily forced. I look at student loans and mortgages as voluntarily selling yourself into indentured servitude. Fact is that when you owe someone money, especially a large sum, they control your life. We cannot pay our loans, so we have to send in paperwork every year to prove how poor we are. I can have my loans forgiven, but that means staying poor for 20 years. So either I stay poor and pay nothing, or I don’t stay poor and I’m forced to use most of my paycheck to repay the loan. Either way, my status quo is the same. I’m broke because I can’t get a job, or I’m broke because the bank demands I give them all my extra money.

I feel more tricked and betrayed by the system. I’m stuck, and will likely remain so for a loooooong time. It happens. I’m not allowing my kids to make THAT mistake.

If anything, women are at war against each other. They tear each other down more than they lift each other up.

No, I do agree that parents usually try to influence the life choices of their children, especially the big choices. However, when it comes to relatioships I think that parents shouldn't interfere too much. It's fine for a parent to express their concern if the partner their child chooses has a criminal record, clearly lacks any kind of manners or something, but unless there's some serious problem with the person a child has chosen then the parents should just deal with it. Of course they have the right to not aid the child financially or even completely cut him/her off if they want to (assuming they are no longer legally responsible of the child) when he/she doesn't do what they want.

And yes, it is smart to think if you can get along with the inlaws or not before you get in to a serious relationship, but to leave someone just because their parents don't like you/your parents don't like them? Sounds like the relationship was never serious in any way in the first place. When there's love you work things out the best you can instead of letting your (or your partner's) parents ruin everything.

And if a mother pulls the "I carried you for nine month, fed you etc." -card then it's time for the child to point out that they never asked to be born, that their parents were the ones who decided to have sex and either wanted or were irresbonsible enough to get pregnant, that it was the parents who decided to not abort or give the child up for adoption, that the parents decided to have a child yet the child had no say in what kind of parents they ended up with. A child does not owe his or her parents anything for keeping him/her alive. If someone decides to make a kid then it's their responsibility to take care of the kid until he/she is an adult (or at least so the local law and my morals say), but that doesn't mean that the parents own the kid and that the kid should be in some kind of eternal gratitude to them

And your religion is a big deal because you make it in to a big deal. I mean even that long part in your message that I cut off is about religion and it didn't really seem to have much do with the subject, so...

College is pointless if it doesn't improve your financial situation. The interest for college loans is rediculous. Many of the degrees that colleges offer are useless and won't get you a job.

I went to school with people who had their parents and grandparents paying for everything. These people didn't take care of anything and they partied a lot. They knew mommy or grandpa would buy them new stuff and keep funneling money to them. These people never learned to be responsible or appreciate anything. They took it all for granted.

Hey Angelrho I have another scenario. One of my best friends married a man even though she and his mother did not like each other. They had a happy marriage.

Unfortunately the husband died. What do you think happened. Goodbye and good riddance awful MIL/DIL?

Nope. They kept in touch and have grown closer and my friend takes MIL to her hospital appointments and looks after her even though she has no obligation to and the MIL has other grown children living nearby.

Edited.
Sister not happy with me telling this story. Removed.

Last edited by hurtloam on 27 Dec 2017, 1:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.