Sixteen too late?

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Can we see a pic of you?

To iddqd:
Don't worry.
I'm 17 & have never had a legitimate GF.
There are a million girls out there waiting for someone like you.

As I've already said in another thread, I'm 23 (though I feel older) and have never been in anything close to a romantic relationship, so I know what you're talking about. When I was your age (makes me sound like my granddad ), I was quite like you. All my mates were dating or beginning to date, and I felt rather miserable for not being able to join in. Also, I was afraid of ending up a bitter old virgin in my late eighties, with no-one to care for me.

Then I went to college, where I still am BTW, and I got rejected a few more times, which was really hard on me, and grew more and more withdrawn - especially w.r.t. girls. But then more or less suddenly, about a year ago, I realized something was wrong with my basic assumption, viz., that it is absolutely necessary for one's happiness in life to eventually find a significant other. I began wondering, were all those famous lifelong virgins/spinsters/bachelors (like G. F. Handel, Isaac Newton, Emily Dickinson, Florence Nightingale, to name a few) really feeling like sh*t all the time? I think not, because people who feel like sh*t all the time generally don't have the energy and willingness to achieve great and wonderful things. Sure, they may have had their depressions and worries from time to time, but don't we all have these - also those of you who are in a romantic relationship?

So my advice to you is: learn to be self-reliant first and to be happy and contented with and of yourself. If you don't like living in your head, then start working to make that head of yours a nicer, better place to live in. Find a hobby, read, work, learn, and help other people. There are enough books and other intellectual stimulants and diversions and noble causes out there to keep you busy an entire life. There's much honor and happiness to be had from leading the life of the mind. And if you're not much of a thinker, an excellent alternative is to invest your time in art, or charities. Become the next Handel, Newton, or Mother Theresa. Dream big, especially when you're young. I do. You may not succeed, and I may not either, we may have to set more modest goals in the long run, but something good is bound to come out of such an enterprise. Above all, be free and be you. And if there really is romantic love somewhere down the road for you, which needn't be the case at all, then the better for you. But for this to happen you first need to sort yourself out and to be able to live comfortably with yourself. A paradox indeed: the best time for love is probably the time when you don't really *need* it.

Whether you're going to follow my advice or not, I wish you the best, and I hope that you'll get over your melancholy feelings eventually.

-- Edited for better readability. --

By the way, here's a list of lifelong virgins/spinsters/bachelors from whose lives you may draw inspiration:

Hans Christian Andersen, author
Arthur Balfour, politician
James Barrie, author
Johannes Brahms, composer
James Buchanan, 15th US president
Lewis Carroll (disputed), author
Rene Descartes, philosopher
Emily Dickinson, poet
Paul Erdos, mathematician
Mahatma Gandhi, humanitarian
George Frederic Handel, composer
Immanuel Kant, philosopher
Isaac Newton, physicist/mathematician
Florence Nightingale, nurse
Nicolas Tesla, inventor
Mother Theresa, nun/humanitarian

This list is far from complete, and its length could be tripled easily.

Thanks, all taken into account... I absolutely appreciate where you're coming from, but the last thing I want right now is to give up. My problem is, I feel that everyone else is in some different league as me...

There was this one girl, she talked to me, she was obviously interested in me, but I didn't have the balls or the brains to respond to her. It was last year sometime, and I've been upset about it ever since... she hasn't so much as glanced in my general direction since then... I wouldn't have a god damned clue how to approach her now, she probably doesn't even remember my name. This is why I'm getting frustrated with myself, everything seems to be flying passed me, as though everyone grew up without me, and I'm still stuck here in my own immature little world...

I don't really know what else to say, but the one thing that I want right now is a relationship, and despite how impossible it feels for me, it's still always in my head in one way or another. I'm generally not a "melancholy" person, but I seriously don't know how to get it out of my head. Grrr, in a word, I feel stuck, but all that said, I'm just not ready to accept loneliness yet.

The original post made me chuckle, not at the writer for his misfortune, rather because I realized that at 16 I was in the same boat and thought I was just as hopeless. There's something about that age where you just cant see beyond the near future, even trying to imagine the college years is hard. You're 16, not 61, life is far from over. Sure 50 years ago most people were married off by 18 or 19, but that isn't the case these days. I'm in my mid 20s and only one of my friend's has been married, most seem to have just recently started a new relationship and probably arent anywhere near getting married.

Myself, I'm 24 and just passing 1 year of being in a relationship. Only had one before this, and it lasted 6 months. Before the age of 22 I never had a girlfriend. Just a lot of bad experiences with women in general. I had my first kiss at 19, was two years before I had anything else happen. Ended up kissing my 2nd girl on the eve of my 21st birthday and ended up going all the way that night. After that another year and a half strolled by before I found myself in my first real relationship.

So things may seem hopeless now, and 20 or 25 may seem like forever away... But that's a lot of time to figure things out and find someone who shares your interests. High school is a rough time, everyone is immature and doesnt know what they want in life. College is only a bit better, no one knows where they're going in life but at least know what they want at that point in time -- to get drunk, have fun, and get laid. I even managed to score in college, so I'm sure you can too.

I'm 19 and have never had a bona fide g/f... I've had several female friends, but not a full g/f... I've never made contact of any kind with a woman in my lifetime...

and yes, I'm a straight guy...

i agree with most of what has been said. i might just add one thing.

don't think for a second that you are supposed to do as well as the other guys in highschool about social things. This will only depress you and frustrate you. Think of yourself with a disability, and approach things through that frame or perspective. You CANT do as well as other guys with girls, but with time you DO can get a girlfriend. It just takes more time, more learning, more effort. Thats the bottom line. Truth is we do have a disability, a social one, theres no turning of page there. You have to accept this, and work from there. I appreciate my g/f a hundred times more because of this, because of the effort i had to do to get to this point. Happiness is relative.

Not really in agreement with the
above poster.

First, what is doing as well with girls?
I found that I was able to form more
stable relationships with females that
were precisely my taste, than most
of my friends, whilst I was in college.
I viewed this as exactly what I desired.

But, if you mean scoring lots of easy
lays, there are guys with AS who are
perfectly capable of this. Indeed, if
I changed my standards a bit, even
at my age, I think that I could manage.

I'm 31 and I never got a girlfriend and never dated, I don't feel an emotional need for it anymore, I did before, now I realise is not a big deal, one of the things that bothers me a little is the prejudice against someone who never dated, at my age, other than that I am fine, although it worries me to end up alone at an old age without having someone to take care of me.