What comes next after acceptance?

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I hope that is will what happen. The amount of time I still find daunting, though. The days can feel agonizingly slow, especially when it feels like I am stuck and trying to get what I want feels like I am banging my head against a wall. When a year passes, I feel like I am running out of existence.

^^ I do understand that, very much in fact.

Wish I had a quick fix for it, for you, but all I can offer is that if you find something that really, compellingly absorbs you, and brings you into mild contact with others who are similarly absorbed, you have a good chance of finding the satisfying life.

It's a balancing act to be sure, and even more so for us; human contact, even the nicest, can be exhausting. The "task group" thing - animal rescue and rehab, certain types of positive political work, nature volunteering (cleanup the trailhead next Sunday type stuff) can be fairly safe, the task can be focused on and if the group is truly involved you may even be able to talk shop all the time without raising eyebrows (that for me is heaven).

Critter rescue can be amazing. There are feral cat support teams where people are like Dawn Patrol - a lot of the work is solo or in two-person teams, but then everyone gets together at intervals. That can be tricky if you have any physical glitches, and you WILL be out in the worst weather (setting up shelters, putting out food and warmed water) but they also need folks at Base Camp, and no kill shelters always need people. (A shelter that euthanizes will hurt you terribly, don't, just don't.)

It just has to be something that you really do care about. Not something you think you can learn to care about... that almost never works. Ideally, something that nurtures; best chance of having a good mix of men and women involved.

The time does pass more quickly when you're truly absorbed in something. Hugs to you, encouragement, hoping for the best for you and soon.

Yep....and you also have to slough off all the negative crap that might accompany you doing all this positive stuff.

It's inevitable, even amid a positive endeavor, for negative things to be said and for negative things to happen. You can't avoid it, no matter what.

When something bad happens while you're doing something positive, you can always come on here, and talk it out with us.

I can’t understand the stigma of women making the first move. It’s not a gender role thing, though. Women CAN always make the first move, and there’s no rule implied or otherwise that says they can’t. Some women do. I think it’s just that men more often do make the first move, so women tend not to because there’s no real need to. If a girl is really that interested, she’ll let you know.

“Gender roles” say boys can’t play clarinet—but I’ve got a clarinet student who just signed to play ball on a college team, and this isn’t exactly the kind of guy you want to meet in a dark alley. I tend to ignore societal/cultural dictates on roles and relational boundaries. I can respect that a girl has a gf. I just sometimes question “how much boyfriend” she actually has.

One thing you can consider in accepting this for the time being is what you actually have to offer someone. To be with someone and be mutually happy with each other, there has to be a reason someone would want to be with you. What can you do or be that a woman would want to be with you? What would you do for her? If you be the sort of person a woman wants, everything else falls into place.

^ Women *are* often the ones who make the first move... subtly.

This is true. Makes me think of dom/sub relationships. It appears the dom is in control when it’s the sub who determines just how far it goes.

So you’re basically saying that he’s got no more chance of getting a girlfriend if he sets it aside and gets out and focuses and does more things.

He might not have as much of a chance as women, but he’s got much more chance of getting somewhere by doing so rather than obsessing over being miserable.

But can you atleast understand why I feel the way I do? My life story does not ever go the way I want it to go. It feels like my hands are chained and someone else is writing my story while I am being forced to watch it but it's not in my favor at all. Instead of a story where someone finds his niche and proves the world around him wrong, the story is of someone who can't achieve his niche no matter how hard he tries and the world around him tells him "See, told you! You are a loser!" with no end in sight.

If you think that guys get more chance by setting aside then you’re so not in touch with reality.

Lemme put it rudely: this works for females only - it doesn’t work for males.

In most mammal and bird species...hell, even in many lizard and amphibian species too: males fight, or dance or sing or race in order to win the female. No male wins by sitting aside.

Now I don’t disagree that he should obsess less over it. What he needs to do is to figure how to make himself more attractive and interesting.

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 09 Feb 2018, 4:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

Ironically, Bible Belters are the quickest to say "Evuhlooshun is stewpid!" but they act the most Darwinistic out of all humans. They try to be the loudest and most aggressive males they can be in order to get female attention as well as sex.

Yeah, I get that you’re fed up with the limitations of aspergers in reagards to interpersonal relationships. I understand. The face of boo being a dick about it isn’t helping.

Oh please. He has a lot more of a chance by getting out there and focusing on less depressing things than if he does nothing but focus on his problems in his bedroom. A 1% chance is better than a 0% chance.

I’m sure plenty of males have got somewhere with a bit of focusing on other stuff in life, like meeting new people, hobbies, etcetera. People are in a better condition to relate to others when they’re not in a unhealthy state of mind.

I’m not saying it will be easy for Markins, but trying to work on his unhealthy thoughts first is the right way to go.

The saying “It happens when you least expect it” only means that it happens because you put the need for a relationship aside, and work and focus on enjoying other aspects of life and making it fruitful. Because when you do that, the cogs start turning. Your life starts moving, the dust lifts. Meeting people is a side effect.

I have full faith Markins is capable of doing this.

^ but why you are assuming that he’s in his bedroom depressed and posting on wp all day? We don’t know.

Sometimes I wonder if you just argue on here for the sake of it.

I highly doubt he is living an extremely fruitful life - no offence to you, Mark, it’s certainly not an easy thing to do!

Working at a library with about 4 people, posting on here, using online dating and going to the odd meetup really isn’t enough, unfortunately.

I’m talking about things like picking up new hobbies, maybe moving where you live, or at least visit other places, try a different job, focusing on creative things, master something, give back to the community, study something, make a blog, stay up to date with current events, locally and globally etc.

I fail to believe he’s good at nothing. There are 1000s of new hobbies to pick up.

If you think going on tinder and okcupid should be the answer to “How to gain a fruitful life”, sorry but that’s just sad. I feel sorry for you. There’s so much more he can be enjoying, even if he doesn’t enjoy being single. He at least deserves a bit of positive re enforcement that life can be good in other ways.

If you like to draw, Mark, why not keep practicing and find the art that is a good fit for you? You can be proud of your work and sell it places, put it on deviantart and a blog, something to give you something to be proud of?

I agree with Boo. And in general, not thinking about a problem rarely fixes it.

All humans are animals and as a result darwinistic. It would not be different in other places. The only difference is how that maleness comes out.

How about learning to actually not let it be so “problematic”?

No fake emotions here. Work on Changing your thinking or addressing the root cause or forever be a slave to your own mind.

The root cause, in this case, I suspect is Mark suffering from aspergers difficulties and depression. Potentially anxiety. Not much to think about except his problems with depression and relationships.

All of these, may not be able to be cured or completely changed, but can be improved with some hard work, medicine, and a good life coach. But the person has to want this change for it to work.

I’m on three types of perscription medication. I pay the price with my physical health, that stuff is hard on your body, but for that, I get to be able to work full time and leave my bed.

I know which life I would rather live.