We're not good enough

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So I'd like to address your points if I might:

"I look at all the threads in this forum, and I see people saying the same things over and over again. "How can I be attractive to someone I like?" "Why do I keep getting rejected?" "How do I get them to say yes?" Has it occurred to anyone that we're just not good enough? That we're single for a reason, and that reason is never going to go away?"

These seem to be people reaching out for help or just too lazy to change and want a forum to complain. Many people with all sort of disabilities find meaningful life long relationships or at least maintain the status quo (40 - 60% of marriages end in divorce in America) This is a place to get perspective from others who share our issues, if there were a gloating forum I'm sure it too would be popular.

"We have Aspergers. Aspergers is a disability. We're cold, we can't hold a normal conversation, can't make eye contact, and have meltdowns every time something doesn't go our way. We go from being manically happy to super depressed without any warning. We don't like being touched and can be so robotically analytical that we can destroy people's feelings without even trying. Sure, maybe we can get to a point where we can take care of ourselves, but what makes us think that we're in any condition to bring someone else into our lives? Has anyone thought about how horrible our partner's life would be if they had to be subjected to us every day for the rest of their lives? You might be happy, but they would be miserable."

The use of generalizations to make your point doesn't make it valid, there are people ALL over the spectrum. The point of finding a partner is to find someone to accept you for YOU. If you continue to go after the wrong people or none at all, your results will continue to be the same.

"There's plenty of fish in the ocean, but we're the three eyed trout that's oozing snot from between its scales and will probably give you cancer if you ate it. Anyone with any sort of standards is going to throw us back, and even if they don't we're going to be the worst decision they have ever made, and they'll spend the rest of their lives regretting it."

If your partners feel that way about you then you need to look harder and in different places. If what your doing isn't working then it's time to change it up. I have partners that still keep in contact with me, just because I wasn't their happily ever after doesn't mean we didn't share a worthwhile connection.

"And there's nothing we can do about it. We are just not good enough."

This final comment is just nonsense, we are intelligent people. If the effort is put forth we can learn and accomplish great things. I've learned how to be a better partner, person, and man, because it was important to me. There is SO much information, I've managed through trial and error to grow and become better. I still mask but now I also know when I need a break and can better explain it. I truly wish you the best because no one deserves to feel isolated and alone unless that's their end goal.

/thread

Yeah thanks joe; I wish we could just stick to what's constructive around here. I think there's probably someone for everyone but we still have to actually talk to each other & I think NTs actually struggle just as much with that, especially considering how many predicate social life on a bunch of clueless, inanimate apps.

Just because we all have the same neuro-quirk, doesn't mean that we're all the same. And that goes for the NT's out there. We have deficits, but we also have strengths, and I personally would prefer someone to be real, honest and passionate about their goals and interests, regardless of their composition. Many NT's become complacent in their place, and are content to carry out the same conformative, vanilla lives. That would bore me to tears. Obviously that's not everyone, and aspies also get stuck in ruts, and can cause our share of strife. We are the tortured artists, the scientists, the rebels, the impassioned, and both the logical and illogical. Our personalities vary as much as any population. What you need is someone who is willing to look beyond the norm, and deal with the frustrations in order to love the uniqueness. Whether they're an aspie or NT, I promise you'll have to deal with some of their BS too

I know I'm good enough for someone I know, even if I don't get why. I'm largely absent from social life in general but that's no reason not to enjoy the occasional date. Being casual & platonic isn't some kind of death sentence.

It's not a matter of 'good enough' or 'not good enough' so much as 'adequately equipped'. Some of us simply are equipped to participate in a relationship, but still crave it. This isn't limited to ASD individuals though, plenty of people out there are chronically alone due to either lack of skill or lack of ability in the areas where one needs to be capable to a certain degree to participate in a relationship.

It's not impossible for us aspies to be good enough, we're just playing with a handicap. Life is a race. We're all competing. It's like our opponents have a 5 second head start. Their head start doesn't make it impossible for us to win the race, just improbable.

I can’t disagree, there’s some truth in his post.

We are not good enough to the vast majority.

I think the reason why my current relationship is still lasting (10 months till now) is the infrequency of our meetups.
If we are togother all the time then she would probably find out all my oddities.

been dating same girl for nearly 3 years.


there is a high probability that i am, as you put it, "good enough".

^^ And I was about to propose to you.

That was before feeling your chin.

All those threads are started by people who do have a problem, not by those who don't. You're not hearing much from those who are married or have a satisfactory romantic/sex life. As for myself, I'm unquestionably "on the spectrum," but I've been married ten years and had an active sex life even when I was single. My condition has sometimes made things more difficult, but it doesn't make me a "three-eyed trout" either.

Last edited by Benjamin the Donkey on 03 Mar 2018, 10:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

I've met a few people on the spectrum & it's very hit & miss as two how well we can get along with each other. My 2nd & current girlfriend are both on the spectrum & they are both very different people & affected better & worse in different areas. I get along fairly well with my current girlfriend the majority of the time. Sure we do have some issues but we both try our best to work on things, be supportive, & communicate with each other & we are both much better people with each other.

There were times when I believed I wasn't good enough for a realtionship but I realize the reality is that most women would NOT give me half a chance & they would like me if they did because of how loyal, affectionate, caring, & supportive I am. That's the reason my current girlfriend PMed me. I made LOTS of lonely frustrated posts in this section before her like some other members here are doing.

There's this guy on Youtube. His wife is a doctor. I'll never be good enough for a doctor.

What's so special about doctors? I dated a doctor once, and she was so bipolar that I was the "normal" one in the relationship, which doesn't happen often.

In my experience saying things like that gets you accused of being an fedora wearing neckbeard and people start telling you the friendzone doesn't exist even if you never even said that word.

The friendzone exists.

I can never be called a neckbeard—because I have trouble growing a beard on my neck.

I tell people all it means is that one friend has feelings for another friend, but that friend doesn't return their feelings and just wants to remain friends. Nobody listens. They immediately start crying about sexism and entitlement and how "guys like me" only want women for sex.