NT asking for input

Post Reply New Topic

Argh I just realize I don't even know what love is! Lol (the romantic love versus others thing)

Loving a friend to me is actually extremely similar to romantic love minus the sexual attraction.

Love to me means I want to bring good to that person's life. I want your life to be better with me in it. If there's a problem I want to do what I can to make your life easier. When there's love you don't have to weather the storms alone. Love means being there even when it's hard or inconvenient.

I totally agree and worry about that all the time...what is real? What is just done to make me happy?
Even weird little things.
Like I've noticed he tends to make eye contact longer than is comfortable for me.
But... I also started thinking there might be something wrong with my eyebrows! Why is he staring at my eyebrows?
So I asked and turns out eye contact is challenging for him so he tries extra hard to do it...which means he may make eye contact a little longer than normal or end up staring at my eyebrows!
He even judges others on their inability to make eye contact and feels really good about his eye contact strategies.

I've asked him about other things like the being affectionate.
Do you actually like it? Or do you do it because you know I like it?
Answer was ' I'm always working on it. But that doesn't mean it is difficult for me. And I do like it. '

I wonder how much is real.
But then again we NTs do stuff with our partners because we like our partners all the time too!
We may not enjoy it quite as much as it looks but we don't hate it either so I guess we are faking a little bit too? (Watching a game on TV comes to mind etc)

The most important issue might be if you are completely NT in the relationship area yourself, and maybe he is faking things that he doesn't need to fake? That's why he should start out as natural and only fake things that he needs to fake to make you happy. After all, the "autistic" relationship traits are part of many people, and most of them are not diagnosed with ASD. In fact, it might even be argued that enjoying romantic things is an "autistic" trait.

Once you unfake it you can never refake it! Lol
Like if he had said he actually doesn't enjoy being affectionate then that information would have been significant enough that even if he had gone back to holding my hand etc it would have never brought me the same joy again etc.

It's scary. It's possible that the things I love about him are fake. Then what? Scary stuff! Would have been easier to get to know the real person first!

Exactly, which is what I try to tell people too. Be natural in the relationship area. It will pay off in the end as people will get into more functional relationships that way. They will be rejected by more NTs, but it's often for the best.

I suppose what you need to do is to carefully check up on all those things he is faking (maybe even you are faking), and try to come up with if there is a need to fake it or not.

For instance, if you don't need him to fake eye contact, and don't mind if doesn't look at you when you talk, then tell him that you don't mind it. Maybe even tell him it is ok to stare (if that is ok). The problem is, you need to know what he might potentially fake that he doesn't need to fake.

He sounds like he's a good match for you. Perhaps you need to stop looking at it as an investment, and just let things traverse down whatever path destiny has laid out. Look at it this way: what do you think the chances are that you're going to find someone that you'll both fall in love within 6 months, eventually get married and actually have it last any meaningful amount of time? Relationships are a gamble and one where, as usual, the house is stacked against you. You're going to have to ask yourself if it's worth trashing this relationship to gamble on finding a better one.

Thank you. But see my definition of love is also my definition of partnership and a relationship without partnership is not what I want to be in.
I guess it would be worth figuring out if his idea of love is so lofty that what I expect of love is already met without him calling it love?

Have you told him what your definition of love is?

I have and his reply is
'I want a partnership also'

It's such an impersonal response. Like it's got nothing to do with me lol.

More reassuring would be: I can totally be that partner to you. No worries.

So I have an update!

I actually got together with the ex (we have a cordial relationship with each other) to hear her side of the story.
He really did wait eight years to marry her and until they were married he did not verbally express his love for her.
In fact many of the lovely things he does for me he did not do for her.
I actually felt kind of sad for her.
If I had been treated like this by my first boyfriend it definitely would have affected my self esteem.
So their relationship wasn't was flawless and superior as I envisioned it.
And the fact that she had the same challenges I find in this relationship made me realize it's just stuff he has trouble with and not an indication of anything lacking with me.
I also had a good talk with my boyfriend and things are really good right now.
Not perfect but really pretty enjoyable.

My advice as you go along is, if there is anything that you need him to do or say, tell him, don't hint, tell him. You cannot be too clear for us, subtlety does not work.

I think I must clarify that the above applies for mixed-neurotype relationships only. It applies both to the NT partner and the AS/ND partner. It doesn't apply to natural ND-ND relationships where hinting and subtlety is the norm.

I agree with the first half. I'm inclined to think two autistics hinting and being subtle with each other, though, wouldn't be thought subtle by anyone not autistic.

Thanks and I do agree with that!
I think in part our relationship works fairly well because I'm a German living in the US so being blunt and straight forward as compared to the general population is actually fairly natural to me.
Still working out things in this relationship over the last four years has made me realize how often I was mad about stuff in previous relationships (nt-nt) because I expected the guy to just guess right what I was expecting...so crazy right!?

And to clarify:
He is super lovely. After talking to the ex I feel he does many wonderful things for me that he did not do for her (only because she didn't ask for it and he didn't guess to do it I think)
The only thing he won't do is say that he loves me.
And obviously that's the one thing you really don't want to have to coerce people into... lol

Right, because NTs would not have the slightest idea that there was anything subtle going on at all. Done that for a long time on social media, and nobody has a clue.