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Chronic singlehood and low standards

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sly279
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29 Jul 2018, 4:46 pm

hurtloam wrote:
That explains why the people on here who've seen my photo think I'm attractive :lol:

Nope.
Also check your Instagram messages



bamsaidthelady
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29 Jul 2018, 5:13 pm

I struggle with this all the time. I was told all my childhood that I'm smart, and have received a fair share of compliments/attention related to my looks. However, I haven't had friends for years, gotten a good job or graduated college, pursued hobbies very strongly, or moved out. I think every day about whether I "deserve" instant mutual attraction with whoever the right person.

I hurt my only ex-girlfriend because I took so long to be honest with myself and figure out that I wouldn't be happy with her :(


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The_Face_of_Boo
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29 Jul 2018, 5:38 pm

Wait till you’re 30 and still single.

Most males have low standards, not just the aspies, otherwise they won’t have anyone.
Those who have higher standards are the ones who regularly have more than one prospect gfs all the time; but very very few males have that.



Syd
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29 Jul 2018, 6:27 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Everyone should have standards.


Everyone does have standards. And for those who claim they don't... I know a wheelchair-bound, schizophrenic, short-tempered, toothless, blind, bald, 80-year-old, pro-Nazi widow who just got out of prison and is looking for a date. Are you interested?



kraftiekortie
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29 Jul 2018, 6:30 pm

As long as she’s toilet-trained.....



SabbraCadabra
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29 Jul 2018, 8:51 pm

hurtloam wrote:
That explains why the people on here who've seen my photo think I'm attractive :lol:

Don't think I've ever seen it...

Looks aren't everything, though.


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30 Jul 2018, 1:44 am

Oh, I have a standard: leave me alone!

To quote Hawkeye Pierce: “Loneliness is everything it’s cracked up to be.”

Problem is, it’s the only thing I know, and I get VERY uncomfortable when someone tries to get intimate with me.



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Jul 2018, 8:05 am

Syd wrote:
hale_bopp wrote:
Everyone should have standards.


Everyone does have standards. And for those who claim they don't... I know a wheelchair-bound, schizophrenic, short-tempered, toothless, blind, bald, 80-year-old, pro-Nazi widow who just got out of prison and is looking for a date. Are you interested?


A standard that isn't beyond age and acceptable looks then is still at a very low level of standards; if a male only has this type of standard (ie. not too old, not too fat...etc) then it's still very low; a typical girl has a waaaaaaaay longer list of standards that includes looks, age, education, work, health, income...etc.

For example, my current girlfriend is not very highly educated, she's not dumb, has a better 'social intelligence', but she never been in university. All exes worked in entry jobs, not very highly educated, and extrovert overall and most were Christians - they're the only girls who chased me!

If I am going to insist on the education thing or career, or personality type (introvert), or on atheism - then I would never have developed any relationship experience, I agree with Bea on that, you need to acquire experience, hell...even sexually I felt totally useless at first no matter how good you believe to be in your fantasies.

So education/career got dropped from my standards' list due to previous experiences, this is how standards gets lower with time with most average males, we just realize what we can have and what we cannot. On the other hand , the average females who have a lot of prospects can afford to increase their standards with time until some point, they can afford it.



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Jul 2018, 8:25 am

314pe wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
I'd much rather wait for the closest I can get to the "perfect" partner than settle for a "sub-par" one.

And this is the difference between men and women. Women tend to choose "nobody" more often than men.



Yes, this one is very true, for example on dating sites, you encounter A LOT of the same girls active on several sites for years ..and years...and years.... hell, sometimes i visit something after years and I find the same girls who whined to me before for not finding a good match; imagine the number of messages they received in total from all these sites/apps they're active on during all that time, I bet they're literally in thousands .....even if we assume that 95% of men are jerks and idiots, there's still have plenty of choices among the good ones.
Yet those girls choose 'nobody' and probably prefer to die with nobody over choosing someone even tad less perfect than their dream guy.



The_Face_of_Boo
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30 Jul 2018, 8:43 am

I mean.... look at these crazy numbers for example:


Quote:
Finally, to be 99% certain she'll receive a response, a woman must send 25 messages to men her own age.

A man will have to send 114 .

This leads us to believe that one potential cause of the disparity between the male response rate and female response rate is the system itself.

If men must spam women with messages in order to elicit a response, then women will be more selective when responding to the surplus in general. Since women are understandably disinclined to respond to all the messages, men must send out more in order to guarantee any response. It's cyclic


A man has to send 114 messages on a dating app in order to be guaranteed to one 1 response. No wonder why single men's standards drop with time.

https://www.businessinsider.com/online- ... ics-2013-7

The untold problem (that many deny it) with online dating is that most men never get a single match/date out of it. Only few ones who do get most of the matches. So, most men give up because they cannot meet anyone and most women give up because they all end up sleeping with the same men.



kraftiekortie
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30 Jul 2018, 8:53 am

I am fortunate not to have to resort to online dating sites.....



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30 Jul 2018, 9:04 am

whatamievendoing wrote:
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's observed this, but it looks to me as though men - not specifically here on WP but outside of it as well - who have never had girlfriends tend to have a mentality of settling for whoever is willing to date them. While that's understandable in its own way, that's also a clear indicator that the men in question have either very low standards or none whatsoever...
Having "Low to No Standards" is not necessarily bad. It means that the person is willing to date anybody -- that he or she will date more than just wealthy, gorgeous, fashion models who always look the way they do on magazine covers.

Sure, some reasonable standards are important -- for instance, dating only legal adults who are not married and who have no prison records, no drug addictions, no gang affiliations, and no psychoses. Everyone should have these as reasonable "Red Flag" conditions, in my opinion (your opinion may vary).

It's when unreasonable standards and expectations are set that dating becomes difficult, and the most unreasonable expectation of all if for one person to set standards that are higher than they themselves are willing or able to meet. For example, a 29-year-old overweight neckbeard who works part-time, lives in his parents' basement, and who refuses to date any woman unless she is 19, with a perfect figure, a full-time job, and a penthouse apartment is being completely unrealistic. Such a man can realistically only "settle" for a 30-ish overweight slob who works part-time and lives in her parents' basement.

Simple Rule of Dating: Expect your dates to be nothing more than you are willing to be. If you want that high-classed fashion model, then you'd better be able to pass for one yourself.



jimmy m
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30 Jul 2018, 9:20 am

This post seems eeirly similar to a post by hurtloam from 28 July except from a female perspective.
Dating With Low Self Esteem
Whatamievendoing made a good point in identifying one of the primary qualities of a perfect partner,
"rarely found "perfect" partner that understands you and is willing to help you be a better version of yourself."


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rdos
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30 Jul 2018, 9:45 am

Fnord wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's observed this, but it looks to me as though men - not specifically here on WP but outside of it as well - who have never had girlfriends tend to have a mentality of settling for whoever is willing to date them. While that's understandable in its own way, that's also a clear indicator that the men in question have either very low standards or none whatsoever...
Having "Low to No Standards" is not necessarily bad. It means that the person is willing to date anybody -- that he or she will date more than just wealthy, gorgeous, fashion models who always look the way they do on magazine covers.

Sure, some reasonable standards are important -- for instance, dating only legal adults who are not married and who have no prison records, no drug addictions, no gang affiliations, and no psychoses. Everyone should have these as reasonable "Red Flag" conditions, in my opinion (your opinion may vary).

It's when unreasonable standards and expectations are set that dating becomes difficult, and the most unreasonable expectation of all if for one person to set standards that are higher than they themselves are willing or able to meet. For example, a 29-year-old overweight neckbeard who works part-time, lives in his parents' basement, and who refuses to date any woman unless she is 19, with a perfect figure, a full-time job, and a penthouse apartment is being completely unrealistic. Such a man can realistically only "settle" for a 30-ish overweight slob who works part-time and lives in her parents' basement.

Simple Rule of Dating: Expect your dates to be nothing more than you are willing to be. If you want that high-classed fashion model, then you'd better be able to pass for one yourself.


I don't think that "rule" in any way is relevant for the problems of aspies. The problem is not guys looking for super-models, or lacking standards altogether (which is indicative of desperation). The problem is that the online dating platform makes it nearly impossible to find neurodiverse people only, and so people have no idea if a face is NT or neurodiverse, and so the failure rate is enormous even without looking only for super-models (and it actually doesn't increase much if you do).



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30 Jul 2018, 9:55 am

rdos wrote:
Fnord wrote:
whatamievendoing wrote:
I'm sure I'm not the only one who's observed this, but it looks to me as though men - not specifically here on WP but outside of it as well - who have never had girlfriends tend to have a mentality of settling for whoever is willing to date them. While that's understandable in its own way, that's also a clear indicator that the men in question have either very low standards or none whatsoever...
Having "Low to No Standards" is not necessarily bad. It means that the person is willing to date anybody -- that he or she will date more than just wealthy, gorgeous, fashion models who always look the way they do on magazine covers. Sure, some reasonable standards are important -- for instance, dating only legal adults who are not married and who have no prison records, no drug addictions, no gang affiliations, and no psychoses. Everyone should have these as reasonable "Red Flag" conditions, in my opinion (your opinion may vary). It's when unreasonable standards and expectations are set that dating becomes difficult, and the most unreasonable expectation of all if for one person to set standards that are higher than they themselves are willing or able to meet. For example, a 29-year-old overweight neckbeard who works part-time, lives in his parents' basement, and who refuses to date any woman unless she is 19, with a perfect figure, a full-time job, and a penthouse apartment is being completely unrealistic. Such a man can realistically only "settle" for a 30-ish overweight slob who works part-time and lives in her parents' basement. Simple Rule of Dating: Expect your dates to be nothing more than you are willing to be. If you want that high-classed fashion model, then you'd better be able to pass for one yourself.
I don't think that "rule" in any way is relevant for the problems of aspies. The problem is not guys looking for super-models, or lacking standards altogether (which is indicative of desperation). The problem is that the online dating platform makes it nearly impossible to find neurodiverse people only, and so people have no idea if a face is NT or neurodiverse, and so the failure rate is enormous even without looking only for super-models (and it actually doesn't increase much if you do).
Well, DUH! If it's on-line dating sites that are the problem, then stop using on-line dating sites! Set up a neuro-diverse dating site of your own -- THAT will solve the problem!



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30 Jul 2018, 10:01 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
I mean.... look at these crazy numbers for example:


Quote:
Finally, to be 99% certain she'll receive a response, a woman must send 25 messages to men her own age.

A man will have to send 114 .

This leads us to believe that one potential cause of the disparity between the male response rate and female response rate is the system itself.

If men must spam women with messages in order to elicit a response, then women will be more selective when responding to the surplus in general. Since women are understandably disinclined to respond to all the messages, men must send out more in order to guarantee any response. It's cyclic


A man has to send 114 messages on a dating app in order to be guaranteed to one 1 response. No wonder why single men's standards drop with time.

https://www.businessinsider.com/online- ... ics-2013-7

The untold problem (that many deny it) with online dating is that most men never get a single match/date out of it. Only few ones who do get most of the matches. So, most men give up because they cannot meet anyone and most women give up because they all end up sleeping with the same men.


Note that women are more than twice as likely to send a response to a man 8-10 years older than her, and very unlikely to respond to somebody much younger.

Still, the "guaranteed" talk is a bit strange and misleading. The 50% chance results are more reasonable. A man needs to send 18 messages to have a 50% chance of a response, while a woman only needs to send 5. However, these are averages, and so some people will get lots of responses and some much fewer.

It is, of course, interesting that they claim that it is men's spamming of women that causes women to answer to fewer messages. I find this to be a quite reasonable hypothesis.