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Aspie male is a burden to relationships

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yellowtamarin
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28 Jun 2018, 6:03 pm

Ecomatt91 wrote:
Your reaction to me is very same to many women I met in my life. Most of them are in their 20's, from early to late 20's. To be honest I find it super offensive to brush me off quickly before getting to know me. It makes me quickly judge you as a horrible person by doing that. Shows lacking compassion and empathy towards someone. Lot of so called uni female friends I used to be with have shown similar symptoms of their attitudes towards me. They are naive, passive and insecure. I had this girl who assumed herself on the spectrum gone through crazy decisions in her life which totally ironic. She is 2 years older than me. Her attitudes is more like 20 year old rather than hitting 30's.

To be very honest by the way how I approach women is all equal and as friends. I am that kind of person who seek as friends first. That where I wanted to get to know them. It really important to understand that is how life works. Like being an employer, you get to know your applicants before getting hired. I am not saying getting into a relationship is like a job application process, but the approach is almost similar. Unfortunately majority of employers quickly jump on disabled people as not potential employees despite they have skills, experience and passion for the roles they applied for. This same goes for women, especially NTs quickly judge Aspie males.

So there you go - I don't hate you, so they probably don't either. Great :) That's all I was trying to point out. You can stop using the word "hate" now.

Are you heterosexual? If so, would you agree to date a man just because you think it is rude to rule anyone out? Or do you have deal breakers like smoking? If she was a smoker and it was a deal breaker, would you date her anyway because it's rude not to? If so, I don't know what else to say. But if not, that's exactly what I'm doing - I've learned enough about you to know you are not my type, so I think it would be wasting everyone's time to date you just so as not to seem rude to you.

And it would also be counterproductive to build a friendship with someone in this situation without them knowing I'm not interested in turning it into a relationship - that's called "stringing someone along" and it's essentially what you are suggesting I should do. I think that's more rude than being open and honest.



hale_bopp
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29 Jun 2018, 2:00 am

Not wanting to date you is not rude. No one owes you a chance, dude. Or me. Or anyone. Yes it would be nice if people gave you a chance, but they don’t have to. This isn’t a dictatorship.



TheSpectrum
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29 Jun 2018, 1:25 pm

hale_bopp wrote:
Not wanting to date you is not rude. No one owes you a chance, dude. Or me. Or anyone. Yes it would be nice if people gave you a chance, but they don’t have to. This isn’t a dictatorship.

Not only that, but the logic behind this reasoning for a so called intelligent guy is bewildering.
Let's say, OP, you weren't single. And regardless of this, the same women who wouldn't date you when you were single, still find you unattractive in some way to the point they wouldn't date you. This does not affect their behaviour towards you particularly in a noticeable way, much like the former scenario you continue to monologue about. So, is this still rude, or does it change because you are taken and it in your mind eliminates this theory?


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Ecomatt91
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29 Jun 2018, 4:41 pm

I'm trying to explain based on prejudice which affects the decision making of accepting or rejecting. Employers reject someone who is disabled because their prejudice believe they can't help them whilst at the job, or being scared of having someone different in the team that affect the teamwork relationship. They highlight prejudice over their abilities than merit based on person's talent, skills and passion for the job role.

This is a same for women not choosing men with disabilities, even Aspies. Their decisions based on behaviour and quirks rather than values, goals and personality. I am not pursuing dictatorship on women's choice but I am trying to make a point that usually prejudice comes before getting to know the person before quickly rejecting them. It like the employer judge the person so quickly. I had lot of jobs that I can apply for quickly got rejected a day after I applied even the due date is still days away! I got so disappointed, and asked for feedback. They refused.

Women have anxiety issues. I know about this for awhile. Been such an influence in my network. I am in social justice network. There lot of women with anxieties, generally. I am not getting along with every one of them. I don't go make friends with everybody. My point is, their anxieties usually make presumptions about the stereotypes of Autistic males as portrayed in media making us seen as angry, violent, rapist and creepy people. This is a dictatorship from media and gossip networking. I defriend many women in my life who have accused of me with bad behaviour.

Other unrelated factor - there are more single people in their 20's than previous generation. Many research articles claimed that. Lot of women in my area have dogs as their pets, being their companions. I find this funny because they easily empathise with a pet but not a human being. I am trying very hard to communicate well to understand those women in my network showing my empathetic and assertive listening skills. It very difficult to have their reflections. That could explain why they don't understand why I am different to able bodied or NT males where they are friends with.

There so much about life skills of NTs in understanding relationships and making life decisions. Its very tricky. We need to improve education in this area, likewise many people in my network want our sex education to improve. We still using that cartoon from 1980's!



TheSpectrum
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29 Jun 2018, 4:58 pm

So...what you're saying is you will not tackle my line of questioning and "what ifs" as they challenge a potentially warped perspective on singlehood, when laterally comparing attitudes from both being single and taken and applying it to the women you have generalised for "hating" you?

Thanks. Eternally grateful.


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yellowtamarin
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29 Jun 2018, 5:46 pm

Ecomatt91 wrote:
This is a same for women not choosing men with disabilities, even Aspies. Their decisions based on behaviour and quirks rather than values, goals and personality. I am not pursuing dictatorship on women's choice but I am trying to make a point that usually prejudice comes before getting to know the person before quickly rejecting them.

You have told us things about your personality. Not just indicators through the way you speak here and what you say, but you've given specifics. You've also indirectly given indications of your values. Probably your goals too. What makes you think we know nothing about you?
And if the women who reject you all know nothing about you, well, that might be the problem. Lots of people aren't keen on dating someone they don't know at all. I feel like you're contradicting yourself by saying both that women reject you before they know you, and that a relationship should come after getting to know someone. How are they rejecting you too soon unless you are persuing them romantically too soon?