"I want to be friends first"

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21 Sep 2018, 2:10 pm

I can't speak for OP. If that's what he meant, then that's a bit of a tall order. But I'm on a few dating sites, too, and I've also noticed that profiles heavily emphasising the "friends first" thing seem to carry with it an implication of "I want to be actively pursued with no expectation of reciprocity".

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Fnord
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21 Sep 2018, 2:12 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:

You're projecting, dude. I never said that. But then, that's all I expect from Fnord at this point. We're both on a dating site, which means we must both be looking for someone to date...

I am NOT on a dating site, and I am NOT looking for someone to date.

ThisAdamGuy wrote:

If you want to meet a few times before deciding, that's fine. But if we go on a few dates and I ask if you want to be a couple, and you say "I just want to be friends first so we can get to know each other" I'm going to be a little irritated. We've BEEN getting to know each other when we went to lunch, went to the museum, went on that hike, got a coffee, and spent literally an entire month texting each other. How much more of me do you need to know? It feels like a stalling tactic, like she's waiting to see if she can catch someone better or will have to settle for me. Either that, or she's not interested but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

OR she still needs more time. Not everyone wants to move to the next stage of a relationship so quickly, especially those who have previously been used, abused, and kicked to the curb. Have patience, she may have been hurt in the past, and just wants to take things more slowly than before.

But if you can't handle it, then maybe you should dump her and go find someone else.

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BeaArthur
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21 Sep 2018, 5:56 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:

You're projecting, dude. I never said that. But then, that's all I expect from Fnord at this point. We're both on a dating site, which means we must both be looking for someone to date. If you want to meet a few times before deciding, that's fine. But if we go on a few dates and I ask if you want to be a couple, and you say "I just want to be friends first so we can get to know each other" I'm going to be a little irritated. We've BEEN getting to know each other when we went to lunch, went to the museum, went on that hike, got a coffee, and spent literally an entire month texting each other. How much more of me do you need to know? It feels like a stalling tactic, like she's waiting to see if she can catch someone better or will have to settle for me. Either that, or she's not interested but doesn't want to hurt my feelings.

I sure hope you're not paying for all those dates. Because friends go dutch.

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Kitty4670
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21 Sep 2018, 9:07 pm

I think it’s good to be friends first, you can get to know each other.

nick007
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21 Sep 2018, 9:46 pm

Me & my 1st girlfriend were friends a while before she told me she liked me. I wasn't interested in romantic relationships before that. I realized I liked her when she told me she liked me. I don't think she was looking for a romantic realtionship when we became friends. It's just something that happened because we really connected. I wasn't really friends 1st with my 2nd & current girlfriend thou. We just sort of jumped into a romantic relationship. I was also looking for friends when I was looking for a romantic relationship. I made that clear in my dating profiles.

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Chronos
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22 Sep 2018, 3:16 am

ThisAdamGuy wrote:

I've had a lot of women say they want to be friends first. Every single time, the ones I've stayed in contact with have announced that their dating someone else shortly after.

When they say they want to be friends first, what they actually mean is they want to get to know you better to form an idea of whether or not they want to date you. They don't mean that they want to be friends for x weeks and then start dating.

If she started dating someone else, she concluded there was no chemistry or not enough compatibility between you two.

m33pm0rp
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29 Sep 2018, 3:58 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:

When a girl you meet on a dating site tells you "I want to be friends before we start dating" how often do you think that actually turns into actual dating? When I hear that, I hear "I'm not interested but I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I'm going to string you along until you either give up or lose interest." Meanwhile, they've probably already found someone else they do want to date. Which is fine, they don't have to date me if they don't want, but when they say that it usually means it's time to give up.

Funny, because I have the exact same experiences with men. I don't think it's a gender thing, I think it's a person thing. I don't play around. I always say I prefer to be friends first before dating, and I mean it. I can't get into a relationship with someone that I barely know. And if I don't like you, I'll just tell you. I've been played with enough times to know how awful it is, and I'm not about to do it to others.
Meanwhile, every time I ask a guy out in real life, they always reply "I'll think about it," which usually ends up meaning the same thing you stated: "I'm not interested, but I don't want to hurt your feelings, so I'm going to string you along until you either give up or lose interest." Again, it's not a gender thing, I just have crappy taste in guys.

superaliengirl
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29 Sep 2018, 4:10 pm

I am the same way and for me it's because the men i've had instant attraction with are toxic, because that's how i'm wired after my first relationship was abusive.

So now in my life I try to form a strong connection with someone, see if I can trust him and see how well we get along before I start considering dating him and allow my feelings to grow. The man i'm seeing right now is fine with this and I just feel if a man isn't we're too different to ever work out anyways because this is how I am and how I best can see how compatible I am with someone and how much I can trust someone.

Plus you should always be friends first anyway. In past relationships we were incompatible and I got used because I never got to know the men as friends first so I could never know how toxic they were as my aspergers make it difficult for me to notice warning signs others might see right away and even though I was warned about those men by others I couldn't accept that there are people who would use someone like that which is naive but well I guess that's me.

I don't know about the girl you're seeing but really it's kind of normal to want to take things slow especially if you've been hurt a lot. Just some of my thought on the subject as a woman.

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20 Oct 2018, 9:09 pm

Went on a date tonight, and she he finally told me straight out that she doesn't want to be my girlfriend. Not even surprised, honestly. Just wonder why it took her two months to make the same decision every other girl makes a couple hours after meeting me.

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nick007
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20 Oct 2018, 9:39 pm

ThisAdamGuy wrote:

Perhaps she knew very early on but didn't want to hurt your feelings so she just went along with things & kept saying she didn't know hoping you'd get the hint. That's the kind of stuff that really frustrated me when I was trying to get a date with NT women. They kept not saying what they really meant which confused & frustrated me & they also misinterpreted me alot. Ironically the women who were worst about it were the 1s who claimed they hated "mind-games".

ThisAdamGuy
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21 Oct 2018, 11:12 am

Her excuse was that she's five years older than me (I'm 26, she's 31) so we're in "different parts of our lives," like I'm some frat party boy and she's a responsible working woman... despite me already having a way better job than her and being able to pay rent without needing a roommate.

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Kitty4670
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22 Oct 2018, 12:23 am

When I had my first boyfriend, I was 21, I jumped into a relationship without knowing him, my relationship lasted 4 months, he cheated on me.

If you have a boyfriend, can you get to know him after you become a couple?

nick007
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22 Oct 2018, 12:29 am

Kitty4670 wrote:

I kind of jumped into my 2nd & current relationship without really knowing them much/well.

The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Oct 2018, 1:24 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:

It usually means “You are not hot enough”. Period.

Quoting myself for truth. Learn.

Piobaire
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22 Oct 2018, 5:40 am

Quote:

When a girl you meet on a dating site tells you "I want to be friends before we start dating" how often do you think that actually turns into actual dating?

Of course she wants to be friends first. Dating is a process of getting to know each other. Particularly with Internet dating, it starts with two complete strangers. As the process evolves, they might become friends. That friendship might evolve into courtship, which might evolve into mating. It is not a linear progression; it's more like you both finding your way through a maze. It's not easy for anyone, but if you're ASD, it's like your finding your way through a maze with a blindfold on.
It can be done; I met my mate through Craigslist...even though to this day she says that I suck at dating.

The_Face_of_Boo
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22 Oct 2018, 5:47 am

Piobaire wrote:

Quote:

When a girl you meet on a dating site tells you "I want to be friends before we start dating" how often do you think that actually turns into actual dating?

You're interpreting that too logically but attraction can be known way earlier, it doesn't require a 'platonic friendship' long period for a woman to know whether she finds the man hot or not.

Usually this phrase is a code that means "I don't think you're my type" - it's always a bad sign in this context.

In my personal experience, attraction either hits on date 1 or it leads to nothing.

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