Help me please

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If you want to stay with this guy, you should probably, at the very least, tell him that his yelling, blaming, cheating, etc. are not okay----and that if it continues, you're going to break it off.

Then I'm thinking of the plight of at least some women: you're financially dependent upon the guy (yes, that complicates things). I'm not blaming you for that, or judging you for that----but I feel like that's a possibility.

Yes, ye olde "My way or the highway" ultimatum. Don't be shocked if he chooses the highway option.Whitewashing financial dependency by calling it "Love" never ceases to amaze me.

I just have to ask - does HE know that you two are "in a relationship?"

Like - there are way too many details that need to be filled in, because, to me, this sounds suspiciously like a one-sided thing. Like maybe you are a bit overly attached to an unrequited crush and he's not acting the way you think he should act and is in fact acting out because you're not getting the hint that he's not actually interested, so you've diagnosed him.

I mean, I could be completely wrong, but your initial post is setting off my Spidey Senses. Some more details may make it more clear.

Has he been professionally diagnosed as someone with Autism?

If he has and is on the high functioning end, then understand that for many years he as been subjected to overwhelming physical and psychological abuse at the hands of his peer group. If he doesn't accept criticism it may be because he has been told so many times that he is stupid, worthless, useless, better off in the garbage heap of humanity, that in order to keep his sanity, he has learned to reject all criticism.

The best way to communicate with an Aspie is in writing not orally. Write down your thoughts onto a piece of paper and hand it to him to read. Explain to him that he is hurting you and that you only want to help him. Any criticism that you give is constructive criticism not destructive criticism. You want to make him better.

Here are some of the positive traits of Aspies:

* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.
* Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.
* “Most of the major advances in science and the arts have been made by people with Asperger’s”

So if he is really an Aspie. I would speak directly and not beat around the bush. He should not be mistreating you. If you feel he is hurting you, you should tell him directly about your feelings. Aspies do not always observe emotion in other people.

This seems like an abusive relationship & the OP needs to lean she has value & get the hell out

What I never understood is that there are so many autistic guys who would LOVE to be in a realtionship & would do their very best to treat their women like a princess but they/we struggle majorly to find partners. Yet the autistic guys who treat their women like cr@p & obviously do not value maintaining their realtionship, tend to be the 1s who seem to get in relationships. Posts like the OPs are no wonder so many women don't want relationships with autistic guys or even hate autistic guys. It makes me want to distance myself from the autistic community.

We don't know. Some of us have asked, but the OP doesn't want to give details in that regard. Since Aspergers as a Dx was removed from DSM-5 in 2013 (even though it remains in the ICD-11) I would hope for more specific details.

I think it matters because if he's not been professionally diagnosed and is only self-diagnosed, or worse, someone else has made an unprofessional assumption that he has "Aspergers" and he really doesn't, his purported behavior piles more on the negative autism stereotypes when he very well not even be autistic.

It's the same way with Neurotypical relationships, too.

Most women have a genetic-predisposition for seeking out abusive-males.

It's a genetic-deficiency.

Even NTs have trouble finding intelligent women to be with.

The key is to avoid the dumb ones and find an intelligent one.

Evidence, please?

This thread looks like another newbies thread, who asked for help but refused to go into specifics.

@OP
No one here is going to validate you and say "yes he's doing this because he's autistic and you should leave him or he should be better.", at least not until you give us something to actually work with.

To clarify my views on the topic:
-We don't know if he's received a formal diagnosis, therefore I will work on the assumption that he has not.
-Whatever you're trying to correlate in his behaviour with Aspergers, it might be worth viewing them as personality traits rather than symptoms.
-I will assume you are in a relationship, but I and others won't assume what it is you need help with. Give us examples of what he has done. Tell us how long you've been together and how long his behaviour has been like this. Tell us an event that happened around the time that he changed. In short, provide details. If you are being this vague because you fear you will lose your anonymity, it's a risk you're going to have to take to get the help you want. If you're going to ignore the above, then I look forward to seeing you on your 3rd account with a similar advice thread.

Unless you've been living under a rock and you don't read the news much, you'd be agreeing with me.

Also, seeking out abusive-males is a genetic-deficiency, since those women are attracted to a male that could possibly kill them before they have the chance to bear children.

It's directly counter-productive to the Theory of Evolution, because that reproductive-behavior under more dire circumstances could cause our extinction.

These are considered to be anatomically-modern women - if Humans existed 100,000 years ago and reproduced like this - coupled with factors like disease, predation and famine - we would have gone extinct long ago.

And also, curiously, Human history only goes back 6,000 years..

But yeah, seeking out abusive-males happens on a mass-scale and runs counter to what Charles Darwin said, when he talked about how females reproduce with the fittest of the species - which obviously doesn't happen most of the time.

We haven't been here that long.

I think the OP is gone. Possibly because of all the negativity, over-interpretation and assumptions made in the thread. I really hate to see this kind of answers to newbies. It's always "run for your life" when an NT woman presents things about her AS guy.

I think it's more that this isn't the first time that a woman shows up asking for help with her nasty, lying, cheating borderline abusive husband/boyfriend/crush who in no way acts in a recognizably ASD manner, and asks us to make sense of it because he may or may not have ASD.

There is no "ASD manner" because relationships are not part of ASD diagnosis . Which means people can try to create any fictive picture of how marvelous ASD people are in the relationship area, and use that to shoot-down NT women that have even the slightest issues with their husband/boyfriend/crush.

Nor did I say it was. I was referring to the lying and the cheating and all the rest of it

Why do you think that people diagnosed with ASD are unable to lie & cheat? I don't think that is part of the diagnostic criteria either, and I'm sure people diagnosed with ASD are capable of both. It's not only part of being human, it's part of animal behavior as well.

Did not say "unable". I said not typical. A typical problem relating to ASD is, for instance, lacking a social filter and being too honest rather than the reverse. It might make sense to say "this person is too honest for their own good, I think they might have ASD". It makes a lot less sense to say "this person is a habitual liar and a cheat, I think they might have ASD".

Having an ASD diagnosis does not exclude one from being a dishonest and disloyal person, but OP says the person in question "won't admit" to their ASD, and without further details we only have her say so that ASD is even a consideration here.