Failing at relationships

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So those of us on the spectrum who also have adhd should be avoided. Ok, got it. Any other co-morbidities you wanna add to that list? And another question: sociopathic and psychopathic are sometimes considered synonymous, so what's the difference?

I think you have a decent point about people picking up on my social innocence and neediness. There's definitely been people in the past who have taken advantage of me most likely because I'm am quite passive. I will look into learning more about narcissism especially because I feel it is more prevalent than the other two are.

I know there are things I want to work on myself with, like confidence and assertiveness. It's getting to a point where I'm actually really tired of being so passive so by working on these two things I should be able to give off a more approachable vibe and hopefully be more willing to put myself out there.

Sticking with people like me may not be all that much of a possibility. I don't really know that many people obviously on the spectrum and this last guy was. He was the first one I've ever dated. Dunedin isn't a big city, in fact by most countries standards it isn't a city at all but rather a town. There isn't a lot of choice which can be quite challenging. It all feels like a task that I'm not up to any more nor do I want to even try. I'm just so tired all the time.

Agreed. However, you also wrote:


Why on Earth are you categorically advising her to avoid people with ADHD and "the mentally ill"?

UNTREATED mood disorders, etc., CAN certainly cause problems in relationships, but I would judge these on a case by case basis. For example, depression can cause extreme irritability, but the right medication at the right dosage can bring this under control. (I know this from my boyfriend's experience.)

In my opinion, if we don't want NT's categorically dismissing autistic people, it would be hypocritical of us to categorically dismiss people with other mental or neurological conditions (beyond things like the "dark triad," which indeed we do need to avoid categorically). As much as possible, we should judge people as individuals.

A lot of aspies (regardless of gender) often end up in relationships with people who have various personality disorders. I think it's because of a combination of low self-esteem, thinking that we can help, and the fact that we can't see the warning signs.

that's why there is a huge industry out there

It is worth mentioning that a lot of men are primarily interested in short term sexual flings.

They will end a relationship when it becomes obvious that the woman wants something more serious. They can be cold about it, which sucks, but it beats the hell out of getting strung along for months/years. It can suck a lot of it happens a bunch of times.

If you're doing anything wrong, it is probably just that you're not screening the guys you're dating enough on the front end. NT women run into the same problem, too, so its not just an ASD thing. I think almost any woman in the world would give anything to find a way to figure out which guys want something serious, versus those who are just looking for short term fun.

Hey PurpleKiwi,

Sorry to hear you're feeling this way, you sound very sensitive and lovely to me.

As a non NT woman I certainly share some of your experiences. My first relationship was a healthy one (thank god!) and we are still friends but my last relationship was a complete mess and I am still trying to recover and make sense of it. Communication was a HUGE issue. I will probably have to talk to a psychotherapist about it because I genuinely was left confused and don't know what narrative to tell myself about the relationship. Was I the victim? was I the bad one? both? what went wrong? will I ever be able to love again?

Relationships have the capacity to be amazing and life altering but also sink you down in the abyss. I hope the next time we both find ourselves in a healthy and loving relationship.

Well aware of this fact. The biggest issue I have with it isn't that they want flings (do whatever floats your boat) it's the lying about it. I'm happy for people to be honest about it and I've even gone with it in the past, but lie and I'll never talk to your stupid face again.

Maybe I'm not screening well enough, truthfully I have no idea how to screen. Everyone seems to be the same. I guess I'm moving into the age group where people who are single are single for a reason, either because they want to be or there's something odd about them, also this city isn't very big so options are limited. So I've simply stopped dating because it's easier and I don't have the patience any more.

I have had a bit of a stressful day today so maybe that's colouring my view but I just don't have time for shenanigans right now.

Thanks Gallia, I don't feel like much of a sensitive person overall but when it comes to relationships there's always so much vulnerability to them for me.

I hope you get to work through your questions about your last relationship and find some closure. I'm not doing relationships right now but I share your sentiment for the next relationship we both end up in.

I don't think this is particularly true of ND men. Speaking of my own experience, I never looked at a woman who seemed available and said to myself "I'll just use her for sex for a while, make promises to her, then dump her when I get bored". I sometimes got into "relationships" that came about because both I and the other person were horny, then at
some point I discovered that I couldn't stay in the relationship or simply couldn't give the woman what she wanted.

My last relationship before meeting my wife is a good example. I met her at a sort of mixer to which she had apparently been dragged by a friend, it turned out that her husband had just left her (for good though) so technically still married and not yet even legally separated. By that point in my life, I had developed some intuition as to which women might be easily persuaded to have sex. In fact, she was very much into me physically, but there were a couple of deal breakers. One was that she had an opportunity to go to Nursing School in her home state, so to not deny her that opportunity (she did become a nurse BTW) I would have had to relocate there. Also she absolutely insisted she could never have children whereas I wasn't ready to commit to that. Also she was a heavy smoker, I smoked when I was with her, and had I stayed with her I'd likely be dead today as a consequence. But the real issue was that, due to her religious beliefs, she seemed to need me to commit to marrying her to avoid divine retribution. She probably got her first marriage annulled as she did in fact marry somebody else eventually.

EDIT I am fairly certain she never actually told me that she loved me or thought that I loved her. She probably just needed to be married to me to legitimize the physical relationship.

Despite all these negatives, she was actually a decent person and a great sex partner, (although possibly with BPD) and I could have dated her indefinitely had she been OK to just keep dating me. But under the circumstances, I had to make a choice. I could have strung her along had I wished. But I never had the intention of simply having a fling then writing her off as just another "conquest". You could say my behavior toward her was insensitive but that certainly wasn't my plan going in.

I'm in the same boat. I keep meeting guy's but nothing ever goes anywhere. It's very rare for me to even get a date.

Last guy changed his mind as soon as he asked me out. He still went through with the date, but was really cool towards me and then decided to try and ignore me in the following days and hope I would just forget about it and we could still be friends.

I also try and get to know all sorts of different types of men. There's no one type that I'm trying to chase who keeps rejecting me.

my ADHD makes me pretty fun to be around, actually. I'm very creative and bubbly.

As for mental health, yes, dating someone who is struggling is no fun but if they are good people they deserve a chance. people are people first.

Agreed. My AS son has quite acute ADHD. He's also smart, creative, funny, kind and honest. A great kid.

Don't give up hope.