Do you find the opposite sex quite distant

Post Reply New Topic

I know this is the L&D board so this probably supposed to be about datin, but no I actually find men to be quite distant, not women. And I say this now that I'm making women friends on the spectrum and because Ihonestly have a harder time relating to men on tge spectrum. It's true that I have very little dating experience period and that for several years now I hadn't had many women friends. But that wasn't always the case for me in the past. And I've just often found it easier to relate to and make friends with women in parr because at least in Anglo-American culture men are more solitary and thus more distant. So I guess I can relate to what you're saying Hurt.

I can only be touchy feely with people I'm comfortable with. It takes time for me to be sure I'm interested in someone and to be comfortable with them.

I can't just be touchy feely with an attractive guy. Who knows what he's really like. Looks and one conversation aren't enough to interest me. I'd need to see him a few times to gauge it.

Lol, maybe I'm distant too.

But it's the getting to know them that's hard. You show too much interest and they hide like turtles in a shell. You don't show enough and they think you're not interested.

I find trying to date stressful. I feel like I have to get everything perfect because men are such inconsistent flighty things that run away as soon as you so much as sneeze.

When I ask directly they say no.

No. Just the opposite. Sometimes I find I can connect with the opposite sex more easily. I think men and women can sometimes form rivalries with members of their own sex that prevent them from opening up about their feelings.

Maybe for those individuals it is a no. Don't worry. Just move onto the next potential boyfriend. It never hurts to ask. Don't be frightened of a no. You have nothing go lose and everything to gain as one day someone may say yes! Who knows... You may be married and have a whole lot of other concerns on your mind! So take heart. All is good. Enjoy the journey of finding the right man for you.

Not at all.

I tend to forget the duality about this. I'm a self-aware singularity at the centroid of a humanoid. It's a big space to occupy.

They've all said no. It feels like all the future ones will say no too. It's demoralising.

No men I meet are open to a relationship. They all just want their freedom and women are fun for a bit, but not to have around a lot or be too close too.

Hugs... Don't say that... Many single men would just love to date a nice sensible lady like you. If you lived near me you would be an ideal lady to date. You could do with a man near where you live in the USA? (I say this because dating between different countries is soo difficult due to laws etc).
Don't be disscouraged. There is hope. Smile. And have hugs and blessings from me and us all on this site. x

I'm rooting for you, hurtloam. I've read a lot of myself in your posts through the months don't give up

Sorry to hear you're having difficulties. But I can offer explanations, none of which are your fault.

1. Sex
Plain and simple. The men you're meeting want sex, but not the responsibilities that come with it. It's bad, but oh well.

2. Public education.
Men as a demographic are becoming more educated, and I don't mean B.A. or M.A. I mean material that teaches how attraction between sexes really works. Not just how to attract women, but why women show interest in dating specific men. This includes mild-mannered, average-looking men, with whom the reasons are far from flattering. Such men are the majority; so when you show interest a relationship with a man, he thinks of those reasons and bolts.

3. Popular media.
Nearly every TV show made after 1980 depicts women treating their male partners (boyfriends and husbands) like garbage, and acting like sexless ice queens. This includes picking fights with him for trivial reasons, making him sleep on the couch, throwing away his prized possessions, and constantly refusing sex. And all under the pretext of "caring about 'our relationship'", of course. Bluntly put, the men you meet internalize those messages, and therefore view you as a threat. How so? They imagine you treating them that way, even if you wouldn't do that in a million years.

4. Age
You didn't say here how old you are, but based on your posts and writing style, I'd say you're in your 30's. That's when many men's sex drive plummets. Sex alone stops being an incentive for a man to get into a relationship, especially considering Explanation #3. Without such an incentive, men simply walk away from a woman who doesn't wow them.

Number 3 is a huge bug bear of mine aspie1. I could never understand why Everybody Loves Raymond was so popular for example. Such a toxic relationship. Good relationships don't make for interesting TV it seems.

I want to scream from the rooftops "I'm not like that!" I think some of the guys who rejected me would have been happy with me, but the idea of a "relationship" scared them off, rather than the idea of me. I didnt even get a chance to prove myself. The last guy and I got on really well, but as soon as we stepped from friendship to relationship he freaked out and dumped me. I hadn't changed. Nothing changed. Except the word "relationship" and he ran away.

A lot of these guys are still single. Often they don't really seriously date anyone and yes in their 30s seem to have lost interest in women.

Interesting seeing this from a man's perspective Aspie1.

Not just "Everybody Loves Raymond", but nearly every contemporary TV show depicts women as dangerous abusers. One thing you can do is offer something that 20-something men will want no part of: your friendship. One woman did that with me. She came into my life in 2016, and stayed ever since.

Popular media, as well as internet teachings, either don't recognize male/female friendships or trash them. At the same time, there are no negative messages being pushed about such friendships, other than "being used", which is easy to vet against. Heck, just consider the 90's show "Clarissa Explains It All"; the main girl's best friend was a guy. It permanently altered my beliefs into allowing women into my life as platonic friends, despite the later teachings telling me not to do so.

So, a 30-something man you meet might actually be more open to being friends with you than to dating you, as shocking as that may sound. Because hey, it wouldn't be much different to him than a male friend, except using different locker rooms when going swimming together. And unlike a male friend, he can bring you to a dance venue. Once he spends enough time with you in a platonic capacity, he may be more welcoming to being romantic with you. That said, the media messages of women being a threat are here to stay. Work around them the best you can.

Sadly, even that wasn't enough for me. I actually declined my friend's relationship offer, even after a year of vetting her as a friend. I'm really glad she stayed in my life. With my long-time male friends not really hanging out with me anymore, she took over the role of my best friend. And with my sex drive being barely 1% of what it was 10 years ago, I can enjoy her company without feeling compelled to get sexual with her. (She has a cute face and a nice body.)

What would be so bad about having a relationship with her though?

My friend wanted to stay friends, he said, but has been very cold towards me since. He's maybe just awkward, but it doesn't feel like a friendship anymore. It feels like he pushed me far far away.

I don't know why someone wouldn't give a relationship a chance if they get along so well with someone else. Friendship to me is the first foundation of a good relationship.

I don't think I can live my life without intimacy. I'm don't mean sex as such, I mean hugs and holding hands and snuggling up on the sofa.

Unfortunately yes, most men keep their distance for their reasons that some of us women don't understand (Including myself). Women tend to let themselves be out there but we usually are really picky and most of us these days rely on the internet such as Facebook to find and meet a good guy, which is the worst thing we can do since men and women on the internet use a "persona" to cover up their identity and mess with our minds to make them seem better than they really are.

Men are confused by women and keep their distance because they don't know what to expect from us women most of the time unless a man spends time with a woman for so long that they know each other very well, but of course love is still in the air, but it is difficult to receive these days.

I am not sure I can comment too much about social media. Is this social media? To be honest, I don't really know what social and socializing means, as it seems to mean going to a pub to drink in my area which is something I just don't do so I am probanly classed as anti-social because I don't go to pubs or drink etc.

I am not really a typical man as though I am very much a man I am (As far as society is concerned) different. I mean different in the way I react and think about things... I think in different angles somehow. This is good. Well. Good for me, but it means that I don't fit in with what an average an actually is.