Am I the only man that is focused mainly on emotional aspect

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They don't relate because they've never been that lonely. They don't know how you feel because relationships came easily to them. They don't understand those of us who can't find someone to connect with. They've never experienced it.

Yeah, they see what you say on Facebook, but you're not backing it up with action.

To NTs just being there isn't enough. They need active interest.

You can't expect people to come to you. If I've learned anything in life it's that I have to make the effort otherwise nothing changes.

What about overweight women who experienced being ostracized for being overweight? And that is just random example. Even someone who isn't overweight know what the words "lonely" and "invalidated" is. I mean, the very fact that those English words exist implies that people know what those feelings are and experienced them from time to time -- otherwise those words won't be there in the English language.



As far as backing up with action, it would make sense in the context when I promise to do something positive for the other person: in this case I might lie that I intend to do it. But in this case I am not talking about doing something positive -- I am talking about my own hurt. So why would "this" need to be backed up with actions. Lets say I say I have a headache and feel sick. Does this have to be backed up with actions?

Now I realize that you might say "well if its only about your loneliness and you aren't going to give anything in return then thats selfish". True, but that is a a different point. At least, in order to say this, you would at least acknowledge that I do have those needs. But what I am complaining about is that people don't even acknowledge i have those needs to begin with

Incidentally, speaking of selfishness, I DID contribute to the relationship in the past. Most notably, my second ex was seriously sick for few months and I was taking care of her, and this is what drew us close. But before I started dating that woman was I able to predict I would be taking care of her? No. I started dating her for selfish purposes since my own needs is all I was seeing *at the time* -- but once we were dating, *then only* her needs became apparent too, and then I was taking care of her. So the point I am trying to make is that you can't expect me not to be selfish when I am isolated -- everyone is selfish when they are isolated. But that doesn't mean I won't be able to stop being selfish once I am interacting with others -- just like it happened with that woman.



Lets say Person A and Person B interacting with each other. One of them had to start that interaction. Without loss of generality, lets assume Person A started that interaction. So Person B got that interaction without doing any initiative. So why am I "worse" than Person B? Why can't I get the same thing Person B got?

Now, statistically speaking each person starts 50% of their interactions. So if I refuse to do it, I cut my interactions by half. Well, cutting interactions by half doesn't sound that bad. The problem is that I cut it by 99% rather than by half. So why is that? The fact that I have to initiate 99% of interactions -- or else -- seem to imply that I am undesirable. Well, if I am undesirable, why impose myself on others if they clearly don't want to talk to me?

Because you may be able to improve your conversational skills through practice and become a more pleasant person to be around.

I hear what you're saying. I've moved on from people who clearly didn't care about me. I literally moved location and made new friends.

One of my best friends literally lived 5 minutes down the road from me and she could make time for her other friends, but would say, "I keep saying to my husband we need to make time for you." Whaaat? Load of rubbish. You've got time, you just don't want to spend it with me.

You learn which people are worth making an effort with and which are not worth the effort. But with effort and trial and error you can find some gems.

Giving up and over thinking the percentage of making first moves doesn't help you move forward.

I still make the first moves a lot, but I have made some real friends through that.

Unfortunately I am not able to move too far since I go to school so I have to be wherever is my school. I "did" change dorms at some point but it didn't help. Do you think moving to a different part of the same town would help? I mean when I simply take a walk to some other part of town, I don't notice that anyone would be more friendly towards me, thats why I don't see why actually moving there would help either. But I guess I can try it anyway, what is there to lose? I am just not too optimistic. I would be more optimistic if I could just transfer to a different school, but I wouldn't do that since I been transfering around too many times already so it won't look good on my CV.



Yeah that totally pisses me off. Except that in my case they won't say they were saying to someone they need to make time, they would simply say they were busy with X, Y and Z and expect me to believe it.

P.S. Can you re-read my previous reply to you? Accidentally big part of my reply to you was included inside the quote so you might not have seen it, but I editted it to make it appear properly.

Without having read everything, I want to comment on a couple of points:

First, I consider myself a Christian, but I was never taught that cuddling was a sin, and I am not aware of any Biblical authority that would make it one. I know different churches teach different things in this area, but figure out what YOU believe, not what you are told you are SUPPOSED to believe. I do not believe it is, by itself, a sin.

Second, every person is different when it comes to trust, physical needs, emotional needs, and so on. It varies a LOT. If the women you've dated are not on anything close to the same page as you it isn't because they've been "ruined," it is because they aren't the right match for you. What one person wants in a relationship, another will think is weird. We are all so very different. There really isn't a single norm; there is just what is right for the two people involved. That said, few people are a perfect match in these areas, but for the right person you find yourself wanting to figure it out and meet in the middle. If you don't have the desire, it must not be the right person.

Don't take the things people say in a break up to heart. They don't always say what they mean. Sometimes they are lying because they think they are supposed to; sometimes they don't understand their own reasons. Regardless, I've seen some pretty destructive comments made at the end of relationships that weren't accurate about the other person AT ALL, in my opinion. If it feels constructive, then sure use the critique to improve yourself. But if is confusing or hurtful, remind yourself that break ups are messy and that obsessing over what the other person said in the process is a no win situation. Because it is.

If you need to see a therapist to work through all that so you can let go, then do so. Dates are likely to worry about your readiness for a relationship if all you do is talk about an ex; it makes it seem like you aren't emotionally available in the present, because your emotions are locked in the past. While you could get lucky and find a woman willing to help you through that, it will make it much easier to start a relationship if you've already dealt with it before you start a new relationship. The funny thing is that my son ended up unloading all his hurt from an ex on a female friend while they were determined to just be friends. After nearly a year of talking daily, and him finally getting over what happened with the ex, they started dating. I don't know if she would have dated him while he was still working through it, but she did like him enough to help him through it. It is definitely a relationship based on mutual emotional support; they started as friends, and have lived in different states even different countries for most of their relationship, including now as boyfriend and girlfriend.

Anyway, I hope something in the above ramblings is useful to you. If not ... well, everyone is different, so sometimes I get it right, and sometimes I don't. I do hope you will find what you need in the way of a relationship.

I think I was using "typical" in the sense of popular stereotype or archetype, rather than in any numerical statistical sense. Apologies for not choosing my words more delicately. I seriously doubt whether as many as 50% of men do that to women. People (male and female) are breathtakingly hurtful to one another in a zillion ways every day anyway; it is ridiculous, to borrow your word, but there's no point getting too upset about it because that's just how people are: selfishness and heartlessness are simply normal, while consideration and sensitivity are exceptional.

Women are just as capable as men of engaging in casual relationships, one-night stands etc. And I, as a male, have been very deeply hurt by girlfriends whose interest in me turned out to be less serious and less long-term than my interest in them. Men do not have a monopoly on callousness.

I believe (maybe incorrectly) I do identify with much of the bafflement and the frustration that are afflicting you. One thing I would tentatively add is, if you're on the autism spectrum then you may just have to accept that it is a very real disability or impairment which you happen to have, and in some cases isolation sometimes goes with the territory. Obviously I cannot comment on your social skills because we've never met, but I know mine are pretty defective, and I've slowly come to accept that this always has limited my opportunities and always will. However, the good news is it has not totally prevented me from enjoying a few friendships and a few relationships. You say you've had girlfriends in the past, so obviously you have also not been totally prevented from enjoying some relationships. Sooner or later, someone can turn up who is capable of perceiving and liking the real you, even if you are maybe not projecting yourself in the best way.

Spending every waking hour obsessing about not having a relationship is, I believe, deeply unattractive to women. I spent most of my life from age 12 to age 21 doing that; some female friends expressed sympathy, but none of them found it endearing or alluring. It's a very difficult habit to kick, I know from experience! But it sounds like that is a habit you may need to give up.

I know what my psychotherapist would have said to you, because she had to say it to me several zillion times over a period of years. I didn't want to hear it, but I know now she was right: you must not and cannot look for validation from anyone else, you have to be able to validate yourself. And once you have a reasonable degree of self-belief (not too much, but enough) and can stand on your own two feet, you will be infinitely more attractive to everyone else.

Another thing she used to say has just come back to me: "If you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect anyone else to?"

I think some men quite like to "rescue" a shy and insecure and lonely woman. I have never yet met a woman who was interested in doing the same for a shy and insecure and lonely man (although in theory such women must exist, I suppose). From the age of 11 or 12 until I was into my 20s, I pinned all my hopes on such a woman coming along to rescue me, and in retrospect I can see this was probably the most off-putting thing about me, from the female point of view. I washed every morning and put on clean clothes; I'm not good-looking, but some women have managed to find me physically attractive somehow and some have managed to see past my social awkwardness: my sheer desperation for a girlfriend in those unhappy years was undoubtedly the chief factor preventing me from finding one.

The torture you describe brings back vivid memories for me, but there are ways of escaping it or at least diminishing it. I still wish I wasn't single, which I have been for several years now, but I accept this was always a likely outcome for someone with the Asperger's I happen to have, and I know I'm better off single than stuck in an unfulfilling and uninspiring relationship (which many people are).

I can identify with that, and I think many other NDs can too.

The emotional aspect of love is the most important, and sex is not so important. I especially despise one-night-stands, and I'm not religious.



Sure, but asexuality is mostly an escape label for NDs, and particularly for women. I think the reasoning goes that I do not want to have typical sex, and particularly not without an emotional connection, so I need some excuse. Since there is no other better label, people pick the asexual label even if it doesn't really fit.



The problem is that being hypersexual can go hand in hand with not liking typical sex, and so some people can identify with the highly unlikely combination of being both asexual and hypersexual.



Exactly. When you have an emotional and spiritual connection with somebody, sex could be a wonderful experience even if you normally identify as asexual. I don't even think it needs to be physical sex. I don't think this is inconsistent at all. Rather, I think it makes a lot of sense and can explain many of the oddities NDs show in the sexual & relationship area.

I prefer silence, and I don't think I'm alone in that. Having flow in conversation is an NT trait that many NDs have trouble with, and so why would an ND care about somebody that requires flow in conversation? I think it is a great compatibility test if your "date" still likes you after a minute of silence.

Yes, I had one relationship like that, where the girl and I could enjoy a companionable silence and it didn't mean the conversation had broken down, it just meant we could be together perfectly comfortably without the need to converse. Maybe in some instances that could actually be a sign of a relationship where the emotional aspect was well aligned? She and I were able to spend days and nights on end together, non-stop, without getting sick of one another: I've never had another relationship like that, before nor since!

For reasons unconnected with my Asperger's, but more to do with my other mental health issues (which I need not bore anyone with in a primarily A.S.D.-themed forum), alas I messed up that relationship after about six months. But it just goes to show what is possible, even for someone with Asperger's. I would never have thought I stood a chance with her in a million years! Intelligent, attractive, witty, stylishly dressed ... ohh, can we turn the clock back to 1999 so I can try again and maybe get it right second time around?!

Almost six years here and still counting. I hope we won't mess it up, but given how well we communicate, I'm not worried.

After six years, even if something were tragically to go wrong, surely lack of non-stop fatuous smalltalk would not suddenly turn out to be the problem?

Not just lack of smalltalk but a complete lack of normal conversation. We do all our communication mind-to-mind.

Well, then I'd say the same as I said before, only more so!

She is the pretty and confident type that I would never meet in the dating context. Completely out of my league.

My psychotherapist would have said: "Don't run yourself down like that!" However, you don't need secondhand recycled psychotherapy from me, I think!

Clearly the emotional aspect can be the crucial one, for a man as well as for a woman. So the OP's question hopefully is answered by now.

In your own case some good fortune sounds like it could also have been an ingredient: I mean, I believe a relationship as special as the one you're describing is pretty rare even among the NT population; my impression is many NT relationships begin as mainly sexual, then slowly lapse into an amicable (or otherwise...) companionship, without any especially emotional aspect except a sort of sentimental one based upon sheer shared history. On more than one occasion, I've taken the decision to revert to being single rather than settle for something as humdrum and uninspiring and unfulfilling as that.

Unfortunately, luck is not an ingredient available to buy in the shops. So on the one hand there is hope for us all, but on the other hand there are no guarantees.

There are situations where silence is a good sign -- which goes hand in hand with a conversation in quiet voice being a good sign -- both is a sign of intimacy. In fact, this is one of the times when I feel loneliness the most: when I hear women talk in a really quiet voice and I just feel so sad I am not part of that conversation and that they would probably never trust me to talk to *me* that way (well they don't even know me!)

But perhaps I am answering my own question in a way: my own voice is naturally really loud. So could THAT be why people assume I am incapable of feeling intimacy and other such emotions? But on my end I know that the loudness of my voice is purely mechanical problem. I don't want it to be loud it is just mechanically set up to be (it takes physical effort to make it quieter). Despite what I look/sound like on the outside, I can really identify with the intimacy feelings others are feeling when they speak in quiet voice -- as evident from how much I wish I was a part of those conversations. And it is really painful that others don't even know that.