How Can Therapy Help With Chronic Singlehood?

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magz
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11 Dec 2019, 5:51 am

Rarely a person's issues have a sole cause. Yes, low self esteem makes dating harder and a success in dating boosts self esteem.
The question is: what can or can't be done? You can't force anyone to be attracted to you. You probably can boost your self esteem with some success outside of dating. Probably more affordable.


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The_Face_of_Boo
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11 Dec 2019, 6:12 am

Different worlds, each of you is on a totally different wavelength.

I am with The Grand Inquisitor's logic on that.

I genuinely believe that therapy is ridiculous; and I am witnessing many cases of real help vs stupid therapy right now where I live (jobs, not dating).



Sahn
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11 Dec 2019, 6:36 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Different worlds, each of you is on a totally different wavelength.

I am with The Grand Inquisitor's logic on that.

I genuinely believe that therapy is ridiculous; and I am witnessing many cases of real help vs stupid therapy right now whe :? re I live (jobs, not dating).

What do you meen by "(jobs, not dating)" are you talking about becoming more afluent or other benefits that come from work?



The Grand Inquisitor
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11 Dec 2019, 6:54 am

magz wrote:
Rarely a person's issues have a sole cause. Yes, low self esteem makes dating harder and a success in dating boosts self esteem.
The question is: what can or can't be done? You can't force anyone to be attracted to you. You probably can boost your self esteem with some success outside of dating. Probably more affordable.

Perhaps self-esteem isn't the right word, as I don't have low self-esteem across the board. I can acknowledge my strengths and the things I do well.

But love and dating is important to me, and the fact that I can't participate despite my efforts forces me to feel rejected, hurt and insecure. As far as I can see, there's no substitute to romantic success to solve this problem.



The Grand Inquisitor
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11 Dec 2019, 7:03 am

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Different worlds, each of you is on a totally different wavelength.

I am with The Grand Inquisitor's logic on that.

I genuinely believe that therapy is ridiculous; and I am witnessing many cases of real help vs stupid therapy right now where I live (jobs, not dating).

I think therapy has its uses, but we must also be mindful of its limitations, and not prescribe it to every single person who feels depressed for one reason or another, if therapy can't address that reason.

Even if they don't need it per se, I think most people can benefit from therapy in one way or another, (at least when we're not accounting for the costs involved), but we should be realistic about what problems therapy can and can't address.



magz
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11 Dec 2019, 7:03 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
magz wrote:
Rarely a person's issues have a sole cause. Yes, low self esteem makes dating harder and a success in dating boosts self esteem.
The question is: what can or can't be done? You can't force anyone to be attracted to you. You probably can boost your self esteem with some success outside of dating. Probably more affordable.

Perhaps self-esteem isn't the right word, as I don't have low self-esteem across the board. I can acknowledge my strengths and the things I do well.

But love and dating is important to me, and the fact that I can't participate despite my efforts forces me to feel rejected, hurt and insecure. As far as I can see, there's no substitute to romantic success to solve this problem.

You don't seem depressed (in clinical sense) and I wouldn't recommend therapy to you.
Maybe exploring different approaches, find ways to meet more people you like (both genders) for chances for friendship-first relationship. I know Boo doesn't believe in this approach but that's how most of people I know succeed. But not therapy, I don't see anything therapy would improve for you.


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The Grand Inquisitor
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11 Dec 2019, 7:23 am

magz wrote:
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
magz wrote:
Rarely a person's issues have a sole cause. Yes, low self esteem makes dating harder and a success in dating boosts self esteem.
The question is: what can or can't be done? You can't force anyone to be attracted to you. You probably can boost your self esteem with some success outside of dating. Probably more affordable.

Perhaps self-esteem isn't the right word, as I don't have low self-esteem across the board. I can acknowledge my strengths and the things I do well.

But love and dating is important to me, and the fact that I can't participate despite my efforts forces me to feel rejected, hurt and insecure. As far as I can see, there's no substitute to romantic success to solve this problem.

You don't seem depressed (in clinical sense) and I wouldn't recommend therapy to you.
Maybe exploring different approaches, find ways to meet more people you like (both genders) for chances for friendship-first relationship. I know Boo doesn't believe in this approach but that's how most of people I know succeed. But not therapy, I don't see anything therapy would improve for you.

Meeting new people would probably help, but I don't know where to meet like-minded people.

As for therapy for me, like I said, I think most people can benefit from therapy in some way, and I'm sure there are some things therapy could potentially help with, but at the same time, I feel like I might do just as well trying to figure out my issues on my own.

There are areas in my life where I could really use some guidance, but my impression is that these areas are also not things that a therapist can really help with. I can think of a couple of other relatively small things that therapy might be able to help with, but they're not significant enough (at least as of right now) to make me feel like I need therapy, and they're things that I may be able to take care of myself.



magz
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11 Dec 2019, 7:36 am

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
Meeting new people would probably help, but I don't know where to meet like-minded people.
What are your interests?

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
As for therapy for me, like I said, I think most people can benefit from therapy in some way, and I'm sure there are some things therapy could potentially help with, but at the same time, I feel like I might do just as well trying to figure out my issues on my own.

There are areas in my life where I could really use some guidance, but my impression is that these areas are also not things that a therapist can really help with. I can think of a couple of other relatively small things that therapy might be able to help with, but they're not significant enough (at least as of right now) to make me feel like I need therapy, and they're things that I may be able to take care of myself.


Back to your original question - typically it looks - in great simplification - like:

Some Lonely Guy: I can't find love, I'm unhappy, I'm worthless and everybody hates me!
Other Users: You're not worthless and not everybody hates you.
Other Users: <Some advice>
Some Lonely Guy: I'm unhappy because I can't find love and I can't find love because I'm worthless and everybody hates me!
Other Users: You're not worthless and not everybody hates you.
Other Users: <Some more advice>
Some Lonely Guy: I'm worthless and everybody hates me!
Other Users: Man, you need therapy!

The therapy is not for loneliness but for the "I'm worthless and everybody hates me" (or similar) belief stuck in his mind.


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