I think my girlfriend might be pregnant

Post Reply New Topic

Just think ... if you do well enough as a parent, you could get promoted to grandparent!

... which he may lose it anytime and then his wife would have to abandon him for another productive man.

That’s life.

Exactly. That’s a risk even under the BEST of circumstances.

Actually, family is good for job security in many sectors. You’re seen as responsible and reliable. You’ll pick up a lot of good habits because you get used to looking over your shoulder and making sure everyone is together and safe. You have to stay organized. You have to be a leader. Your kids are a kind of lab for leadership. You can make all kinds of mistakes and learn from them without being called out on it or getting fired (barring anything actually negligent or illegal). You don’t get that luxury in the workforce, and the fact you can naturally manage a home will transfer to workspace performance.

I gave up teaching for a few years while I raised my youngest by myself. I went back to work when he started school and I was like “dang, this is easy.”

And when people know you have a child, they look at you/treat you differently.

I think Retro needs to get married. Not for any moral or religious reason, but mainly for practical reasons. If you’re together already and have been for a long time, it’s not any different. It just means you’ll have legal documentation to protect you in case something goes wrong. Your girl has no security in the relationship if you can just abandon her one day, which you easily could right now. You need to make sure you protect yourself, too, and being married will do that. If you ever get divorced, for example, there won’t be any question over the terms of the relationship—visitation, child support, etc., dividing up marital assets, etc. But your situation has you on shaky legal ground, and a legal marriage that will define the relationship formally will do you the most good.

Congratulations!

There are food stamps, kid can get on state health care if you both make low enough income, you can also get WIC, there is also childcare assistance, kids don't need a lot of stuff, only food and clothes and you can buy used clothes since they grow so fast and will outgrow them. Kids also don't need lot of toys either. People will always give you stuff for your child their kids don't need. You don't need to buy expensive diapers, you can by generic ones and they work just as good as Pampers or Huggies.

People that say kids are expensive, that is an exaggeration and it depends on what you are spending and buying. They don't need a fancy nursery, only a crib and a changing table and a dresser for their clothes. It also depends on what brand of diapers and clothes you are buying. That is also if you want them to do activities, that costs money too. It's about how parents are spending their money on their kids for them to say "kids are expensive." Kids will be happy with one pair of shoes.

There are public libraries for books so you don't need to be buying them any.

And if you don't want to be a dad, you can walk out on your girlfriend and give up parental rights but you will be paying child support until the kid is 18. You won't be the first man to do this and women have done it too. It doesn't make you a dead beat dad.

But do not get married for the baby.

there are many factors which i won't mention that make men wary of marriage.

also, retro, if you BOTH decide you don't want the child i can happily take it off your hands....

Retro is Australian. He’s been on his job at least five years.

He’s not in bad shape in that sense.

I think his girlfriend’s family has money.

Don't ask Bill Cosby.

Aww, you beat me to it! I didn't see your post.

Hey, great minds think alike.

Babies aren't much of a problem. There are a lot of services for babies and new parents, classes, etc.

Even primary age kids aren't that big a deal.

It's when they hit high school age that things go sideways.

I'm not sure how different welfare is in Australia versus the US, but I'm pretty sure Australia has some good safety nets same as we have WIC. At one point we were getting WIC, and there's no shame in that at all. Retro is likely not gonna need to worry about that, though.

It's not about getting married "for the baby." It's just that if I understand right Retro has been with his gf for a long time. If you're living together and sharing everything together, that's de facto marriage. I don't think Retro is interested in giving up his gf. In his case, it really would be for the best to get into marriage.

I think sometimes people overstate what legal marriage means. You don't need a piece of paper to show the world you love someone. It's not about romantic love and mushy stuff like that. People MAKE it about that, but the law doesn't care how you feel about someone or your reasons. All it does is formalize a relationship in such a way to make things easier, like having children, inheritance rights, family rights, property rights, etc. There are other ways of doing that, yes, but it's a pain to keep running to a lawyer every time you need to file papers about something mundane when you can just get married and skip all that.

It is possible to get divorced. Unfortunately, it's not all that hard to get a divorce. But divorce proceedings are a way of keeping couples from getting screwed by their spouse. Long-term bf/gf relationships never have those options, at least not without doing a lot of work and taking a lot of risk that's not even necessary. I don't look at marriage as a love thing, or a kids thing, but as a way of making life a lot easier.

Speaking from my own personal feelings, I don't really believe in divorce. I'm all-in for life. There won't be anyone else. But when you consider how life-changing marriage and family are, it's insane to me that someone would lock you into a marriage, cheat on you, steal all your money, etc., and then just expect you to be ok with it. If my wife filed for divorce, I'd make every effort to make her life a living hell until either she agreed to reconcile, screwed up during divorce proceedings, or until there's nothing left for me to do to fight it and a judge signs off on it. We've had this discussion before, and she'd probably do worse to me if I pulled a stunt like that. Most couples just kinda give up, which I think is just stupid. But whatever. From a moral standpoint I do think divorce is wrong. But whether I like it or not, it's a thing that's there to protect people from abuse and fraud. If you want to marry someone who wants kids but you either can't have children or don't want them and lie to them just to get married, you're basically wrecking that person's life. If that person loves you, they should be free to decide whether they love you more than they love their dealbreakers. I may not like it, but that's what divorce is for. When you live together long-term without getting married, you don't really give yourself many good options to prevent bad things from happening to you. Being married actually gives you a lot more freedom. What IMO people get wrong with divorce is they decide they "don't love each other anymore" or some crap and do a friendly NFD. When you can casually dismantle a marriage, it cheapens the value of the institution. It's harmful to society when people refuse to hold each other to their word and to high expectations. NFD is just another excuse for people to display their own worthlessness.

That depends on the kid.

My oldest two have reached the hormonal stage. My oldest used to get all bent out of shape because his sister, who is 18 months younger, has armpit hair and he doesn't. She's in 5th grade and looks like a little woman. Yet when I explained what's going to happen to him he was utterly horrified. Meanwhile, you can practically wring the oil out of his hair, he's got zits, and a rotten attitude. I told him if he can't keep his hair clean I'll do it for him. He doesn't get that dad washing his hair is for his own good, but the way people are they'll call DHS on you just because your kid has a little dandruff. No, seriously, we're around people who really are that petty.

The important thing to understand with hormonal preteens and teenagers is that they'll only be as bad as you expect them to be. Just because you or someone else has ONE bad experience with ONE bad teen doesn't mean ALL teens are like that. I always treat my kids like they're people just like me. I listen to them. But when you get unexpected behavior, it must be corrected immediately. If you allow kids to misbehave when they hit puberty, it really will only get worse. What we discovered was that how they are by 3 years old will pretty much be what you get when they turn 12. Make sure you set that expectation and establish the behavior you want by 3 and the rest of it should be smooth sailing.

Breathe, Retro and congratulations! (from a fellow Aussie with family in Gawler, lots in Qld). You might just surprise yourself at how good a Dad you’re going to be ...

A lot of AS folks like me make Parenting a Special Interest. I attended many (free) classes and read many (free) books and am happy to report I am a very good (albeit stressed) parent. I have many good moments (particularly around intellectual growth) and I have difficult moments (around physical demands) ---- I apologize to my children more than I would like to, which ironically is yet another reason I am a good parent. It seems you are self-aware also and this will be GOOD. (My AS-like mother was not self aware and put everything on me.) As with everything, try to notice your limits and have grace for yourself and ask for help. Enjoy as much as you can. Parenting mantra: The days are long, the years are short.

Wishing health and wellness to your girlfriend and your baby.

(WARNING trigger pregnancy loss: I say the above with much feeling, b/c I had my first pregnancy loss at age 31. In the 30s 75% of early pgs are just fine, but know 25% aren't --- if your baby is past 8 weeks and heartbeat is confirmed it's 95% survival. Given my circumstances I held onto that stat for dear life.)

We both have jobs.