Girls dad disapproved of me because of my Asperger

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Sorry he is not Jewish (My bad)...I couldn't bring myself to read all of his post as it began to depress me. I mean't that from the perspective Jewish people have suffered discrimination so I interpreted he was exercising similar types of prejudice his hypothetical ancestors would have faced.

The rest of what I said stands though....

QFT, I was thinking about this (after reading the thread) and it seems like she might not have been "your type." Putting it the way you did probably offended her and her father, though you didn't mean to as you don't seem like that sort of person. It was rough, but it was a learning experience. Take it for that, and maybe try to make up to her...the hardest thing for us Aspies to do is to admit our wrong. We live in a world where we're objectively right much of the time. But then when it comes to dealing with people instead of ideas, it's easy for us to hurt people by mistake.

I'd suggest (for what it's worth) contacting her again and apologizing; maybe you might even be able to end the whole thing on a positive note. If you want to keep up with her, then this is the only way to mend it.

"When in doubt, do the kindest thing." (St. Therese of Lisieux)

Good luck to you & her both, and I hope everything goes well for you in the future.

Great idea! ^^

QFT Please take Borromeo's advice

By reading your replies I am under the impression that you misunderstood what happened because my post is too long so you were just going off of bits and pieces you saw.

In any case, here is what happened. First, I told her I had reservations because of her race, but I was as polite about it as possible and in fact I went out of my way to be apologetic. Then next day she talked to her family and her dad disapproved. But keep in mind: his reason for disapproval had nothing to do with race. It was about a concern that I wouldn't be able to take care of her due to Asperger, which is why I got so angry. Then -- as a result of getting angry at her dad -- I became rude.

So her dad couldn't have reacted to my rudeness for the simple reason that rudeness cane "after" he said what he did, not before. Did he hear about my reservations about race thing? Possibly, since I voiced them the day before. But once again that's not what he talked about. All he talked about was my Asperger and how it would supposedly make it hard for me to take care of her.

As far as my Jewishness, yes, genetically I am Jewish. The source of confusion is that I converted to Christianity. But yes I retain Jewish elements in my practice as well. I am Messianic and I go to Messianic churches that mix Judaism and Christianity. Those churches have non-jewish majority with significant Jewish minority and I am one of the people that are genetically Jewish.

Excellent advice!

Off-topic, do you believe in Jesus' divinity? or are you Non-trinitarian?

The kindest way to say “I’m not attracted to you because of your race” is to just say “I’m not attracted to you” or “you’re not my type”. Explicitly bringing race into it is a major taboo in our society, particularly saying it to someone so directly.

I am kinda going back and forth between both. The non-trinitariam view is more appealing to me aesthetically given my Jewish background, while trinitarian view is what fear of hell compels me to believe.

Ideally I would like to attend both the Messianic congregations that believe on Jesus divinity and the ones that don't, but it's hard to do since most Messianic congregations believe in it, and the ones that don't are too far away given that I don't drive.

However I was lucky at the place I live past few years: there are total of four Messianic congregations (usually there is just one or at most two), three of them believe on Jesus divinity and one of them doesn't. But none of them are within walking distance and so I usually take Uber. Since the one that doesn't believe on Jesus divinity is much further away than others taking Uber there is too expensive so I other been there three or four times.

That, plus also that specific congregation bases much of it's teachings on analyzing linguistic structure of Hebrew words and things like that. Since I don't know Hebrew I can't really follow what they do anyway.

But I assume other Messianics that reject divinity of Jesus aren't like that. For example one website that I really like is http://www.torahofmessiah.com and they don't refer to any language other than English. It's just too bad those other such congregations are too far away for me to get to (I would literally have to get on a plane to go there).

I wonder if it’d be possible for you to move closer to a community you’d feel more comfortable in.

Well if someone were to tell me they reject me because I am Jewish, it would hurt a lot *less* than them telling me I am not their type. If they say I am not their type I would assume they mean Asperger which would hurt a lot more.

I realize that others don't come from the place that I do, but still. The statement "you are not my type" raises questions such as "what exactly did I say to turn that person off", "how do they know I can't change", etc. Which would keep me awake at night. So if it is something as simple as race or religion, it would be a huge relief to learn that's the case.

I guess I just appreciate clarity and honesty, which I am sure a lot of aspies can relate to. So I don't think I am any more racist than most people, I simply choose to say what most people "think but not say".

I go to graduate school so I have to be where my school is.

Actually there are bigger reasons why I am unhappy where I am. As I mentioned elsewhere, I did my first PhD in physics in Michigan and now I do second PhD in math in New Mexico. Well, New Mexico ranks a low lower than Michigan. But I can't get to anything that ranks any higher since schools prefer younger students that just graduated to the ones that already have a PhD. Ideally I should have been a professor but I need more publications for that. I have a lot of papers on arxic.org but journals only published three of them after several years of failed attempts and refuse to publish the rest, so that's what's holding me back.

But in any case this is completely different topic. Back in Michigan they didn't have any trinity-rejecting Messianics either. They are just rare, period. And there is no correlation between the quality of schools and the theology of Messianic congregations nearby. I am just responding to your broader comment about "place" so I told you secular reasons why I am unhappy where I am.

The post was a bit to long to read. In the end it's wrong to tell anybody about having Asperger's or autism. People assoziate wrong things with it.

So how exactly should I apologize? Should I say "I am sorry I have Asperger's"?

I mean yes it's true that my saying I have reservations because she is black is what prompted her to talk to her parents so early -- otherwise she said she waits a lot longer to talk to them. And it's also true that her dad is the one who is black, as opposed to her mom, and it's just happened that her dad was the one who disapproved. BUT -- and it's a big but -- her dad didn't talk about race thing; he talked about my Asperger What he said was "will I be able to take care of her since I have Asperger's". In other words

a) He didn't even mention what I said about race

b) The situation when I either did or didn't take care of her didn't occur either (it was way too early on). He merely made a conjecture based off of my diagnois

So why should I be apologizing for *conjectures* that her dad made that are unrelated to my actual behavior?

Well, my Asperger is evident from my monotone voice and stiff mannerisms.

And even if it wasn't, how long exactly am.i supposed to keep it from someone I hope to spend a life with? My whole lifetime?

Also the idea that they only date me because they don't know I have Asperger's feels bad since it feels like they still reject who I really am -- so their supposed love isn't directed at me it's directed at that hypothetical person who doesn't have Asperger's.

Oh not at all. Sorry what I said came across backwards.

I don't think you should apologize at all for having Aspergers' any more than she should apologize for being partly black. It's just part of what makes all of us who we are...not a label to identify or a flag to rally round but just the way we came.

1) Her dad might not even care about the race thing. He might not even be mad at you about Aspergers'. In all probability he has no idea what he is looking at. "Aspergers" may be just a word to him, and not a pleasant one.
2) His comment may have come from rudeness or discrimination but it may have come from paternal concern for his daughter's wellbeing and for yours. There's no way for me to tell without having seen this go down, and of course I was not there.

The situation probably wasn't as bad as it could have been. There is a chance you and this girl could get back together, but if you prefer to date girls who look different then I would do that so it doesn't cause you or her trouble down the road.

I think, by the way, you are handling this rather well!

Her dad may or may not have mentioned your racism, and she may have not mentioned it to you. I doubt that it was a non-factor in her dad's disapproval though. Any loving parent would not want their child dating someone with blatant racial prejudices.

Racism is an uncomfortable subject to bring up. Given that you had the reaction that you did, she may have simply tried to withhold discussion about race because she sensed that you'd become incensed if she brought it up.

You blatantly use a racial slur towards her, you need to work on not being an as*hole. This is what you need to reflect on, not whether or not her dad would have let you date her if you didn't have AS.