“Back burner”

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The silly woman I work with once told me she was surprised I hadn’t gone on a shooting rampage since I was bullied in school. That is just a messed up thing to tell someone and shows the lack of understanding of psychology our society has.

I was often warned before about falling into vicious cycles and was told to focus on things that I could change for the better but my mind just couldn’t stop thinking about wanting a girlfriend. My siblings as well as most guys I knew had girlfriends and I was socially isolated (I didn’t have a car until 2009) so I felt like something was wrong with me and being unable to interact socially made me fear about my time running out.

Whenever I see guys with their girlfriends at the rare anime showings the Killeen-Temple-Fort Hood area gets, music shows in Austin, going to bookstores or libraries together (this especially makes me envious), and playing video games together both at home and at arcades, it makes me wish I could do the same with a girlfriend. I would move out with her if things got serious and especially if my stepfather talked s**t about her since he has a chauvinistic attitude towards women. My issues with online dating come from my bad experiences with it in the past but I was hoping the TMS would make me able to try it again with a new mindset.

I don’t fit in with the Christian mainstream of the cultural area I live in but the times I’ve tried to join countercultures have been frustrating and disappointing. If drinking and smoking weren’t such big social requirements, I would feel more confident in joining them. Make no mistake, I don’t ever plan on going back to my old mentality because even then calling myself a Christian and attending church did not translate to social success. Even when I did actually make myself attend a Bible study group and go to church with my family (my older brother was engaged to a woman from a prominent religious family and my family wanted to look good for them. The marriage between the two was cancelled, though) for nearly a whole summer, I was still socially frustrated. I suppose I just don’t fit in anywhere.

Even if I did attend the Austin chapter of the Satanic Temple, I would probably have to keep the fact I did a secret from my family and the people at work. Even though the Satanic Temple doesn’t consider themselves to be religious, they still use religious imagery and the automatic response to that by Christians is “devil worship”. I’ve also seen someone mix them up with the Church of Satan and claim that their support for LGBT rights is proof that LGBT people live “Satanic lifestyles”. The moron also bashed Napalm Death and the Melvins.

Looks like I need to get a passport after all. This sort of blasphemy can't stand. May the universe have mercy on his particles.

Being prone to fixation really does undermine attempts to re-prioritize things, but it doesn't mean that you're doomed to continue with that experience. While it isn't entirely a learned and developed skilled, it is to an extent. Training one's self to find joy in that parts of life they possess is a difficult skill and one I'll concede I'm not especially good at, but at the same time it's the reason why someone like Jason Becker is happier than you or I, despite being in a far worse position overall. He's also released more music in the past three years than either of us.

Well that silly woman is wrong.

I know the troubles you have thinking about not having a gf, but I don't think its not having a gf that depresses you the most, seems more like your life experiences and close minded family have done that. You've just put it onto having a gf or not...you can improve your life or at least your mindset without a girlfriend. If its impossible than I really do have to recommend maybe suggesting trauma therapy to your psychiatrist/psychologist. I went for the PTSD associated with that shooting incident, but not sure a person needs to have actual PTSD to benefit, basically it helps to release trauma not all trauma causes PTSD so it could still help people who have just had smaller traumas they need to work through.

And of course you don't fit in with the mainstream culture of where you live, makes perfect sense to me. I mean I have felt similarly though I was not in quite such a bible belt kind of area. Also I have tried the counter-culture thing. I am a metalhead yet I kind of feel there is no real 'metalhead' community and a lot of metal fans are kind of a**holes and many people who like metal would not want to actually identify as a 'metalhead'. I even got online bullied on facebook as a teenage girl by adult men back when they had forums when I tried discussing my interest in metal on the metal forum there. They even followed me till some other sites until finally I tried just ignoring them entirely and well eventually it died down and I never heard from them again. Turns out some counter-culture stuff can be just as cliquish and easy to feel left out in.

I actually stayed in church after I stopped believing in it, just because I felt maybe I could still get some social connections that way. Didn't really work out, but I tried.

IDK for me that Temple of Satan thing seems cool, but it is a secular religion so does seem you do kind of have to adhere somewhat to the philosophy to be included. Granted seems they are open to just having people that support as well even if the aren't members. I was just presenting it as an option you can look into...but don't stress over it if its not your kind of thing or you aren't comfortable with it. Honestly I kinda blurted about it because I was so excited over it so really it was just an idea, like when I mentioned maybe spending more time at that comic book store if you are able to get into conversations there about that stuff. Really the over-all thing is find something that resonates with you and try to focus on that a little more than all the bad stuff. If the TST(temple of satan) resonates with you than check it out, you are an adult and can make your own choices if it doesn't really resonate than its just one of many ideas of things you could try and get more involved with.

Well today while stocking up on some food at the grocery store, I was not feeling very great about things. Like it was crazy everyone else was also stocking up, lines were long and it was just crappy. But then I heard some girl kid say 'My mom says, if I get corona virus...she'll let me have a Corona(the beer) I laughed out loud walking past after hearing that made me feel a little better. That little girl probably has no idea she made my day with that comment, but it did make the moment a little better for me. It felt like I needed a moment of humor.

I think that you should make an effort to post about other things.

Dwelling in one topic creates connections in your brain where you just automatically go to those thoughts.

If you start making an effort to discuss other things that interest you it will help you think about more positive things.

Start a thread about something you really enjoy. Maybe about artists you really admire.

She is someone who’s admitted to me that she doesn’t read. She also seems to think the only reason for having a computer is to log on to Facebook or watch Ella Mai’s Boo’d Up on YouTube (her favorite song).

There were other things that indeed contributed (and still continue to do so) to me becoming depressed but not having a girlfriend was on my mind the most out of all the factors.

There are people here who do like rock music but they largely stick to mainstream bands though even bands who are well known aren’t always liked. For example, AC/DC get raved about but Black Sabbath tend to get written off which I don’t get at all. There are also those who think “Fort Hood Metal” bands like Metallica, Godsmack, Disturbed, Slipknot, Five Finger Death Punch, and Avenged Sevenfold (no offense to the sane fans of these band) are “bad ass” while anything else is “gay ass s**t”, “p**** music”, or in the case of extreme metal “weird crap”.

I wish I could get back all the time I wasted on the summer when I attended that bible study group.



I have some in mind but most outside their circles wouldn’t know about them.

You'll never know for certain until you post, either you'll end up surprised when someone knows them or you'll be the guy who introduced other people to them for the first time.

Off-topic, but since you're from Texas and like grindcore, do you like Insect Warfare? They're from Texas, although afaik they've disbanded.

The most known one I can think of is H.R. Giger; I only own a poster by him, though. I own an art book by Yukito Kishiro who draws Gunnm/Battle Angel Alita and one of Yoshiyuki Sadamoto’s books that has mainly his early work on Neon Genesis Evangelion as well as some of his video game ads and music album covers.

I’ve never heard of them. Even in Austin, they prefer homegrown bands like The Sword and American Sharks. The only reason why I know about Napalm Death is from watching Beavis and Butthead. I do know more about bands that are still relatively underground or had generational popularity compared to most people I encounter. If it’s not “Fort Hood Metal” or 80’s hair metal in the Killeen-Temple-Fort Hood area, people either haven’t heard of it or they dislike it when they listen to it.

Well not having a girlfriend is the main one you get stuck on, but that doesn't mean it was the main thing to cause the depression. If you were bullied even by your family...that probably contributed much earlier than not having a girlfriend. It is possible the trauma therapy could help with the trauma from the bullying.

Also a lot of people prefer mainstream rock music, but I don't see why to care what they like...I like what I like and anyone would be hard pressed to change that. And not sure what Fort Hood means exactly but yeah I don't care much for those bands I guess I like some earlier metallica but certainly not one of my favorite bands. And well those people would probably think much of the music I listen to is 'gay ass, p*ssy sh*t' I suspect they would not have much good to say about the power metal or satanic themed black metal, but fine then they can keep listening to the same stuff over again and not expand their horizons and people who have a wider appreciation of different music can keep enjoying a great variety of good music.

Either way since you don't seem to relate to anyone where you live it would be a good idea to look towards moving somewhere new if and when you are able, Austin Texas could be a place to think about. But in the meantime try not to worry so much what they think...you don't have to advertise to them just enjoy what you like and if need be just don't bring it up to those a**holes.

And there is plenty of time I wish I could get back, but it won't happen so have to try and avoid reminiscing too much on it.

I do have to second this, worse case you post something and it doesn't get a lot of responses. That has happened to me many times but then I just figure it wasn't something a lot of people know about or had interest in and move to the next topic idea I get. But you never know...sometimes more people than you expect may be interested.

I actually used to really look up to and defend my family even when they hurt me. My brain suppressed a lot of the things done to me until it became clinically depressed. The culture around me also pressured children to obey their parents using that one bible verse as justification and I was often shot down if I tried to stand up for myself so I started accepting being put down by my family.

Fort Hood is the military installation that makes up part of the Killeen-Temple-Fort Hood area. It’s right next to Killeen and where I live in Temple is about 30 or so minutes. The aforementioned bands play in Fort Hood a lot hence the “Fort Hood Metal” label. The base also heavily influences the patriotic attitude of most of the populace here. I see a lot of paraphernalia like “Kill ‘Em All, Let God Sort ‘Em Out!”, “Don’t Tread On Me!”, “Stomp/Burn My Flag, I’ll Kick Your Ass/Shoot Your Ass!”, and other hot headed phrases. There is also a lot of distrust for Muslims and even the people in the Aspergers support group I used to be a part of held those outlooks. A lot of them were also homophobic due to religious indoctrination.

I like some mainstream bands like Primus, Tool, Blur, and Faith No More though each of those bands’ respective levels of popularity are largely generational. There was a time DragonForce were raved about but I no longer hear anyone except one person talk about them. Same with Cradle of Filth and Dimmu Borgir. I once made myself like Killswitch Engage in hopes girls at their shows would like me but it didn’t work out when I actually saw them.

What still tears me up is when I see people my age or in the late teens to early 20’s age range socializing at places like the parks and retail stores but I can’t join in because I am apparently a “creep” since I fell behind socially. The only ones my age who can apparently socialize with younger people are the ones who didn’t struggle socially like I did. I’ve even seen 40 year old men dating younger women and having sex with them (not in person but on a fling site I tried out of desperation that was unproductive).

Why is it that most other male users here manage to find options even when they fell behind socially but I have no options unless I give up my interests that are frowned upon by others in this horrible culture I live in, become a goodie two shoe church goer, and settle for women who do the same things, including “old grannies”.

Most? Really. I think most are struggling. It's just they have no advice to give. It's one or two partnered up people who are vocal.

Anyway this coronavirus thing has saved my mental health and got me to really get my perspective straight.

Who gives a crap about dating? I need to meal prep! Made chicken stock already. Going to make soup and pate tomorrow.

I'm working from home too, so much less exhausted than usual.

Luck, hard work and a slightly different mixture of personality traits. For what it's worth, my last ex lived in Florida while I lived in Ontario, so clearly I was willing to tolerate less than ideal circumstances to find a partner that was genuinely appealing to me.

I remember a user named mordy (if I recall the spelling correctly) who told me my life circumstances that I posted about at the time (17) reminded him of himself when he was younger, especially in regards to wanting a girlfriend, and he could be an “older me” to ask for advice. I sadly didn’t take up his offer and I kick myself for it.