Aspies in sucessful realtionships - how'd you do it?

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This is very close to how Hilary and Magic relate.
Crowds bother him and he prefers the quieter
places to go, as well as 1-on-1's.

Crowds don't really bother me a whole lot although I function alot better under the 'cover' of darkness. I went to some concerts this weekend and as the sun went down, I got more comfortable. I don't think i'd have a problem hugging and piggybacking a girlfriend like alot of others there. However, in the middle of the day on a crowded ferry, I just quickly read some schematics, history murals and then parked myself outside to get some air. It's really a problem of communicating in crowds, even when my friends talk to me, I can't quite make them out the first time.

Hmmmmm? Let's see??? My 1/2 Sister Kristen,
and from what I was told married and divorced
a 45 male! She was around 30, he was 45.

I was 24 and she was 37, I was 34 and she was
48 in the end of the relationship. I finally got my
stuff back 2 years later(took a long time and came
in a unaddressed to sender package.) HmmmmmM?
Fascinating!

So a older person relationship isn't unknown to me.



Hmmmmmm? It is hollywood and it's makeup artist. and a
bust tuck helped too! Every see her in the tabloids in
the "as they really look page", Hollywood is good
at making youth look eternal, but then you have the
"Pertnally young Justin Hayward of the Moody Blues,
and of course the mummified and still walking (well
preserved young) Dick Clark at 76. Hmmmmmm?
Makes you wonder!



Sounds like my 10 year relationship. She was a lawyer
and every "I need help and you have good empathy"
client was attracted to her. She eventually retired as
a lawyer and now is inspiring young people as she
would of wanted to be inspired when she was younger
and in highschool!



Hmmmm? I always wondered how false those personal ads
realy were?



Yep! You hit it on the nail! Odd-relationship NT's are
attracted to Aspie/HFA types because of this nievity.

Even the more experienced ones have this perternal
youth of nievity. I being HFA, have gone through
the gay and straight sects of nievity, and can only
say that my nievity is only matched by my intuitive
intellect to master a situation, though it comes off
a bit juvenile to the female of 30-40.

By 30 the male is suppose to have this home and car
and "support" you attitude. and Oh! Ken is how they
are suppose to be in appearance! RIGHTTTTT!
UH-UH! NOPE! Nievity comes from within and that
is the charm of aspies and HFA's who sexually express
fire in the lack of external expression that is expected
in a NT male. All his fire is in his car, not his heart.



Good objective to strive for!



This was the foundation in my 10 year relationship. She has
done that, seen this, and hmmmmmm? Nice tasty empathy
fire seeks firey person of desire. It eventually became
a genuine relationship!~Ooops and 10 years later.



Of course not! It is easier to talk to one of your own kind,
or a older-seeking fire NT. Sex comes later because it doesn't see
barriers!



True! Intimacy is difficult if you can't express it, nor
have the strength to approach the opportunity.



A "Sex Therapist" is a bonafied profession. In the holistic
trade it is a licensed councelor who teaches sexual edicate.

And then there is the hooker.

Which one?



Isn't nievity great! The fire it contains is potent,
not...arrogant. It's sincereity flows freely.
"I am pist" flow is intense.
"I am happy" flow is Wooow! to the other partner
(just my opinion)
"I am in the void" energy is mystically unusual.

Only once during sex magic did I see myself through
her and actually saw my aura sense others feel.

It was like a void, infinite and always refreshed,
I believe this is where the sexual-autism fire comes
from, and NT are sometimes to attached to there
things they own and don't seem to possess this
fire of "within".



I can relate, this is probly what she was thinking,
but if you play with matches you probly enjoy it's
fire, but not always. Too much of anything is bad.



I can see this! I am my worst enemy! and Beating myself
up is soooo!! easy!



But remember there is also HFA, and PDD-NOS, so let's not
be hasty in pickiing words! Anyways go on....This is refreshiing
and intriguing!



Discussing what?



My grandmother didn't know about this other person, but
except that she was a lawyer and has done legal things
for my Grandmother.

One of my favorite lines was "Your not just the family lawyer,
(during those 10 years) you have experienced the family genes"

Chuckle! AND .....I meant it!



Hmmmmmm? slight dramatic pause.....!

In my opinion, most parents ostrich in one way
or another. Do you have kids? If so, then
you have probly done this too!



this relates to sexual, non-sexual, and work
relationships. The Autistic person is too!
sincere and easily vulnerable as I have
recently found out in Reno and known
most of my life. And this is why I need
to be careful in my next job selection.



Ok.....! and.....

[qutoe="friend"]
Only problem is, she never did. She just kept putting it
off, her method in which she approached his entire upbringing.
[/quote]

Ostrichitis at it's parenting level!



Hmmmmm?

I was put in a opposite position. She needed time
for her dreams and goals after nuturing others.
She was suppose to meet me near bart, and never
showed up. After numerous calls to her, I got my
stuff back after 2 years of silence.



I, in this reverse scenerio, wouldn't want anything to do
with her now. I was deeply hurt and didn't express
my sexuality for 5 years. Deeply wounded I retreated
into my darkness. It wasn't until WrongPlanet was I able
to discuss this. Thus thanks "friend" and WrongPlanet.



The hardest part is that it doesn't really heal. A sincere,
relationship cuts deeper than "Oooh! Baby! Oh!'ism".

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

P.S....I say thankyou for letting me open up this wound of
silence. It may be deep, but it had to be expressed.


Scoots, I hope this gives some insight about autism
and it's NT-sexual perspective.

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

She fell in love with me not quite at first site, but very soon after. I didn't really notice her at first, but when she started paying a lot of attention to me I caught on after a couple of months. It took a few more months for it to occur to me that this might be something more than just friends. For me it was never about looks or status, I just liked her because we enjoyed being together. We would sit on her front porch and talk for 4 or 5 hours a day. No one had ever opened up to me or listened to me like that before. She later grew up to be very beautiful and confident, but I never cared about that. Even today she makes comments like "Isn't great being married to a totally hot woman?" to which I try to give an honest but still somewhat evasive answer where I acknowledge that I think she's beautiful, but that's not what matters to me, and the fact that other men find her very attractive is irrelevant.



She grew up in Utah; I spent my childhood in Hayward (just across the bay from you), but moved to Utah when I was 15. Going from the Mormon version of a spiritual third world country like the bay area, to the promised land of Utah was a big transition for me. Overnight I went from being a social outcast and fanatical religious weirdo to being totally mainstream and cool. It was the first time in my life that I felt like I had any hope of fitting in.



It was pretty much a religious thing. Although my dad grew up in Guatemala and would have been a pretty strict and demanding parent even without all the religious bulls***. The church just gave him the "authority" as the man of the house to bully everyone more than he could have gotten away with otherwise.



No offense taken. I was scared to death of my dad's disapproval.



Sometimes the ability to mimic feels like a liability because people THINK they know me, when in fact they've never seen who I really am at all. Someone commented in a thread on pet peeves about the expression "Just be yourself," which my wife says to me from time to time. Of course the next day she tells me that I scare people off when I share too much personal information with people that I don't know very well. She (and obviously many other NTs) just don't get that "yourself" is something that may not work with most people. Mimicking is a necessary survival skill, but it also feels dishonest.



To this day the only thing I can figure out is that she needed what I had to offer at that point in her life. I am an expert on feeling alone and misunderstood, and she was feeling that way with her parents. I have had several female friends tell me that I am the most sensitive, caring person they have ever met, and they feel safe sharing their most intimate secrets with me in a way that they have never experienced with anyone else. I am extremely caring and empathetic is certain areas, such as letting people cry on my shoulder as they tell me about being sexually abused as a child. I am very understanding, supportive and non-judgmental. But maybe that's because I was emotionally abused as a child (and my sisters were sexually abused by our dad) and it's something that I have really come to understand. Note, however, that the capacity for this sort of empathy in listening to other people's troubles does NOT necessarily translate into understanding them in other situations. When my wife longs for romance and excitement in a way that is meaningful to her, all I can do is stare back blankly and tell her I'm sorry I can't give her that. I understand intellectually what she wants, but I don't feel what she feels. I really haven't experienced it (despite her best efforts) and I think the things that I see people do to express romantic love seem very awkward and bizarre (and often dishonest). They put on a show to create a particular mood, but they don't literally mean the words they say.



I'm still quite naive in relationships, and I've come to the conclusion that I like being that way. At the time I just thought I was getting off to a late start in my social abilities, but 25 years later my outlook hasn't changed that much. At least now I would know enough not to allow someone to bully me into a relationship. If they can't find the patience to work with me as I am, then I don't want to get involved.



Personally I would say that mimicking failed me quite early in life because I never learned to be real, but in the case of keeping my marriage going, I started feeling the pain of faking things about 5 years into our marriage. She didn't know there was a problem until about 2 1/2 years ago (18 years into the marriage) when my world started falling apart and I became almost suicidally depressed. It's been about 2 1/2 years now of letting the truth out little by little (as I figured out how to explain it in words).




Bluntness is perfectly OK (and actually quite refreshing). We are still in the "talking to make this work" phase, but we're still together. I think the end result will be a major redefinition of what we expect from each other, and that work is well under way.



Let's see, all of them have been rather socially aloof, to the point of hanging up the phone on their best friends when they get tired of talking. (In mid conversation... "I'm going to go read a book now." Click!) They have managed to find friends who don't mind. They have no tolerance for the stupidity of other people (stupidity being defined as anything that doesn't make sense to them). My youngest son (who is 10) tends to relate everything to dinosaurs or insects in some way. He loves to discuss politics and religion, which freaks out a lot of adults, but he has to slip dinosouars or insects in there somewhere. My oldest daughter hated to be held as a baby and has always felt the urge to stir up chaos when she gets bored. Then when it gets too loud she runs away and locks herself in her room. Now (at 19) she loves to give hugs, but don't even THINK of coming up behind her and touch her back or shoulder when she doesn't know you're there. Affection has to be on her terms and only when she's in the mood and expecting it.



The early intimacy in our relationship was two mixed up teenagers clinging to each other as they figured out the meaning of life together, and I would give anything to recapture some of that because I would still be very happy with that sort of intimacy. She has grown up to expect a much more sophisticated, adult sort of intimacy (whatever the hell that means) that has kind of left me in the dust.




The healing started when we left the church, but we have had to re-break the bones and set them right to really fix things. It's a painful process.



You're exactly right - this has been the beauty of the open realtionship experience. And this is what I had hoped to get out of it when I suggested it to her. We had gotten married quite young without truly knowing ourselves as individuals, and I felt that the only way to discover the things that we didn't know about ourselves and each other was through first hand experience. The "I love you for who you are, not what I was expecting at the beginning" experience has been very powerful, and very positive. We have both explored many hidden and undiscovered aspects of ourselves and been able to share our finding with each other.



The kids are most definitely NOT Mormon. They range from being vehemently anti-religion to embracing a very open, new age sort of view of life. But traditional, organized religion is definitely out. I have a stong leaning towards Buddhism (as a philosphy, not a formal practice) as does my oldest daughter. Our relatives (all Mormon on both sides) were quite upset when we renounced the church, and relationships have been pretty strained since then.

Interestingly, one of my younger sisters married a man who is pretty severely ADD / AS, and two of their kids are just like him. He doesn't believe in god anymore (although he has to say this to me in secret because his wife totally freaks at the slightest expression of doubt) but he plays along to keep the peace. He is the same age as me, and if I were in his position I would have killed myself several years ago. I guess I admire his ability to adapt to expectations and just move on with his life, but I couldn't do it.

Brian

Thanks for the insightful posts Brian

This is cool! Such a strange change of location and
life path!



But you did learn appearances can be decieving, and you are
now a bit wiser-God Bless you!



Hmmmmm? I don't know what to say here! Sorry!
But I feel here, and this is a deep wound by how
it sounds! What did your father do for a living?
How many siblings did you have?



You have to love dual expressions and no sincere
meaning!



Like I said, dual expressionisticness and empty
meaning. I hope she has improved on this dualism!



That's something only you and her have answers too!
sorry!



I agree with this, and it still haunts me to this day.
My is silence or overexpression = loneliness!

What's yours?



At least your being honest!




That's why it's call mimicking! What areas were
you good at faking? I personally, being HFA cannot
lie nor mimick, it's either I express or am silent with
a scarry presence when in silence! Or told "You talk
too much" in natural HFA mode.



Hmmmm? What kind of councelor or councelors are you
seeing as individuals and grouped as two(couples)?
What have you done about this ongoing depression?



I guess this romantic fakeness is part of the course!



Any paricular diagnoses on them(all 5)?

Thankyou for being communicative,

Sincerely,
Ghosthunter

I think that story is far more common among NT+AS relationships than anyone knows. My partner had all the same complaints about my behavior and tried for years to change me until we found out about AS and realized most of those changes were never going to be possible. That realization started a chain of events that led to the end of the relationship.


My partner wants someone very much like me, only more NT.


I used to tell people I was 39-going-on-20. While I could probably learn to pretend I was NT in a romantic way, it requires far more effort than pretending to be NT in any other role. It's *very* hard to fake sincerity.

Yes, she would be very happy with someone a lot like me, only more NT. But after 25 years as close friends, I think she has become more fond of my "quirks" than she had realized before we started talking about all of this. We are currently seeing a marriage counselor and it has been really encouraging to see my wife jump in and explain (and even defend) my behavior when the therapist starts getting frustrated with me. For example, my kids and I will NOT let someone off the hook when they are vague in their use of language. If you want to have a meaningful conversation with me you have to say precisely what you mean, and if I'm not sure I understand your meaning I will ask for clarification; or conversely, if I think you didn't understand me I will continue to elaborate until I'm satisfied that you got it. This frustrates our therapist because she thinks I'm being combative, but my wife explained that EVERY conversation in our house (with me or with the kids, right down to the 10 year old) goes that way. My wife also had to stop her from trying to get me to "role play" new communication strategies. She explained to the therapist that I only do real life, and trying to force me to pretend something is NOT going to make it sink in. I can practive on my own in real life situations once I get the concept, but I can't pretend on cue. The fact that my wife was the one to point these things out in my defense is very encouraging.



Amen to that one! I can play along with most other situations, but romance, or even just friendship, needs to be real. And I feel exactly the same way - 41 going on 20. I can only comfortably flirt at the level of a 19 or 20 year old who is just getting the hang of being grown up. Even in the realm of non-romantic friendship, I actually get along very well with my daughters' friends (in the 14 - 20 age range). They are straightforward and honest with me and look to me as a father figure who is more open and understanding of their teenage emotional issues than their real dads. But with adult women my age it's often difficult to get past being arms-length, casual acquaintances. There are all sorts of subtle expectations surrounding interactions between men and women (even in a totally non-romantic context) that I don't get, or refuse to play along with because it feels dishonest.

I have aspergers and my boyfriend has autism. These are a few things that we have:

I am very affectionate and this can annoy him though we do enjoy holding each other at night

We can totally misunderstand each other

We have an understanding of each other because we both have ASD's and therefore when something happens that would seem odd to a normal couple we find it easier to deal with

We drive each other up the wall

We talk everynight

etc

I think these things combined with others I've forgotton keeps us together

Brilliant. I mean that in a nonsarcastic way, too.

I have AS (and a crapload of other things wrong with me) and I just started a relationship with someone who suspects he has AS, and he has a damn fair amount of the traits- though, oddly enough, he's fine with physical contact. ((I had to condition myself- w00t for person specificty!))

I can only hope that he's the more dysfunctional one because I think I could handly anything; unfortunately, I strongly suspect I am the more dysfunctional one myself. Even hoping that your partner is dysfunctional is insane. And selfish. Oh god. I hate myself now. *slams head repeatedly against a hard surface.*

((Sorry, ramblings of a dysfunctional nervous wreck.))

Actually I think it makes perfect sense. I hate feeling pressured to live up to someone else's expectations that don't match who and what I am. If you can find a partner who is well matched with you in dysfunctionality then I think everyone will be happier and more comfortable.

I have always had the outward appearance of being very functional and successful (like good grades in school, stayed out of trouble, got a college degree and a good job, etc.) and ended up marrying a girl who placed a high value of that appearance of success. She didn't mind that I was kind of cluless and geeky in private, but after 20 years of marriage where I have constantly felt pressured to actually BE the confident, succesful person she has always believed me to be, I am finally explaining to her how my obsessive thinking runs just below the surface and social interactions confuse and terrify me. We still have kids at home and I don't want to mess up that situation, but at this point I wish I had listened to my instinct to find someone who seemed more like me. At this point I would be happy just to have friends who are like me; I would be a lot easier to keep the marriage going if I had friends who understood my view of the world that I could turn to when the stress of acting "normal" starts to get to me.

So there is absolutely nothing wrong with looking for a partner that makes you feel comfortable with who you are. And if finding someone with similar quirks does the trick, then that's what you should be looking for.

Thanks. Social psychology has proven that oppostes don't really attract; it's more "birds of a feather" than anything else; it's just bizarre to think that you definitely want- even need a less-than-perfect partner. My boyfriend actually said to me he was glad I wan't perfect because then he's feel inadequate.

I hope your wife can learn to cope with and understand the not-so-perfect you.