How to meet someone

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Hi thanks for your reply, I will have a really good look into what you said about how their relationships form and how they work.
Im a little confused as to what to you mean by saying they have to be physically close but have a distant relationship?
I’d have to say I disagree with that.
I think messaging someone, voice recorded chats or video chat will make them feel more relaxed. But I did mention about them joining group chats first. Get to know someone A little bit first with others. Maybe only have a certain amount of people In them say 10? 5 male 5 female. Or have games, quizzes etc.
I’m think you need an app with a lot of choices in different subjects, a wide variety of content to narrow people down towards each other. Keep them entertained on the app. Make it fun instead of stressful. There has got to be a way.

Distant refers to that the one you like might be in the same school (as this is the best environment I know that works), but you are in different classes, and so can study each other during breaks. So, you are still physically close, unlike in an online dating app were you probably are not.

I've been on a few real-life meetings with aspies, and I've been online for a long time, and from this experience, I can conclude that I NEVER formed a connection online, but it happens regularly when I go to real-life meetings. Sure, I can enjoy somebody's way of writing and views of stuff, but this is more like a friendship and not a potential relationship. There simply is something missing if you are not physically close and only can read and possibly see somebody.

I think a better idea is that you can create an app online as a complement and then have regular real-life activities that are suitable for how NDs best form love interests. That of course means you need to have many local groups as people cannot travel vast distances to get to the meetings regularly.

A few traits from Aspie Quiz which shows how it is supposed to happen:

Have you experienced stronger attachments to certain people? (.51 in relevance)
Do you like to follow (walk behind) people you are attached to? (.50 in relevance)
Do you tend to look a lot at people you like and a little or not at all at people you dislike? (.48 in relevance)
Do you have an urge to learn the routines of people you know? (.47 in relevance)
Do you prefer to keep to yourself? (.46 in relevance)
Have people you formed strong attachments to taken advantage of you? (.45 in relevance)
Is it hard for you to approach somebody you are attracted to? (.43 in relevance)
Do you have, or used to have, imaginary relationships? (.41 in relevance)
Do you have unusual sexual preferences? (.38 in relevance)
Do you prefer love interests to be secret? (.25 in relevance)
Do you tend to get romantic feelings for people that persistently shows interest for you? (.21 in relevance)
Are you more sexually attracted to strangers than to people you know well? (.16 in relevance)

In the publication about infatuation & attachment (https://psyarxiv.com/dw4u2/), I could show that attachment for NTs primarily formed with dating (probably with sex), and for NDs at a distance. Dating didn't have any effect on attachment for NDs, and could have a negative effect by drastically reducing infatuation. NDs also had much higher infatuation scores than NTs.

In the publication about asexuality (https://psyarxiv.com/stpma/) I could show that it is sexual intercourse that is primarily driving asexual self-identification for NDs, and not lack of sexual attraction. Twice as many women as men identify as asexual, with close to half of ND women having problems with sexual intercourse.

The traits that NDs dislike most in the relationship area are:

Do you enjoy traditional dating? (-.44 in relevance)
Do you find yourself at ease in romantic situations? (-.43 in relevance)
Are you asexual? or Do you find sexual intercourse disgusting? (.24 in relevance)
Do you like tongue kissing? (-.31 in relevance)
Do you enjoy travel? (-.27 in relevance)
Do you take pride in your appearance? (-.21 in relevance)

What is ND?

Neuro-Diverse. IOW the term includes people who are autistic, gifted, or otherwise outside of typical neurology.

it is my opinion that the NT should restrict his search to areas of endeavor which are primarily populated by singles of both genders.

It has always seemed natural to me that an autie and autie match would make a better/stronger/harmonious/more-satisfying significant other relationship.
But my assumption/prerequisite is that both parties need to be enlightened about what it means to be on the spectrum.

At a glance this thread looked like "How to meet some in the Basement"

that's as good a place as any.

I think the primary obstacle for getting into good relationships is bad advice from society, which I think is pretty clear here too. A huge majority of NDs know they strongly dislike dating, yet a majority here is completely geared at making dating work and often blame themselves for not having learned enough about the subject. That's clearly a deeply dysfunctional path that leads nowhere. Another issue is that many of the things that could lead to satisfactory relationships, like crushes and keeping things at a distance are shut down based on timing constraints part of the dating culture "you are just wasting your time" or broad generalizations like "it didn't work for x or y, and so it won't work for you either". I really wonder if it is more waste of time to follow one's natural inclinations that at least give temporary good feelings than to try to learn the rules of dating which typically ends in a long row of rejections and depression.

So, I wouldn't say NDs need to be more enlightened by society about relationships, rather I'd prefer if everything except the most basal stuff (like preventing pregnancy) was left to NDs themselves to discover. I'm afraid this is the best approach at the moment given the poor knowledge about these issues.

Whatever it takes.

I also wonder how much your region plays a part. Back when I was actively trying, I'd do things like take my dog for a long walk at a beach park. I'd see lots of other guys walking their dogs, or riding their bikes, etc. The only females I'd see would be with another guy already or be too young, like high school aged. After getting a camera, I took a photography class. About 20 other guys were in the class and only 3 older women. I took a cooking class and same story, lots of guys and only 3 women. One was with her husband, one was too young, and the third was way too old.

thats shocking and confusing, because you say you have never been on a date but you have an ex-boyfriend?

Sorry for the delay, I don't log on here very much.

I think that's a little risky, tbh. There are more innocuous ways of finding out, imo. In my case, I could have asked her how she finds Christmas shopping for her boyfriend and that would have been enough, or said something about going to the cinema and then it'd have been clear without asking 'hey, are you single?'



I never had her phone number and Asperger's or not, I am sensible enough not to ask for it after finding out she had a boyfriend. I will say our conversations were kind, thoughtful, intelligent and funny. I know her sisters liked me too, as a person. Yes, I sat beside her in a coffee shop, along with others (not her sisters). In my time running I've not had anyone respond to me like this, we just got a long well because our personalities and that speaks well to both of us, regardless of what happened. I'm not great at reading flirting, tbh. The strength of the running group is its community feel, social chats and fun. It's not all about PBs (PRs, for those Stateside).

I don't see it as having wasted 18 months. Asking her out was incredibly hard, harder than running a marathon and I've done a few. It went against everything I've done in the past, so it was a real mental effort. I've completely tied myself up in knots wanting to ask others and come up with half a dozen reasons not to and then felt awful. Taking opportunities is hard.

Thanks for the link, I'll take a look.



Hah.

Update, I went on a coffee date (from a dating app) with a woman a few weeks again and chatted for about 4 hours. It was good, although I thought there was something a little off about her, socially. We're hoping to meet again, but Covid has meant some local lockdowns, so we can't at the moment.

The other update is my psych said she felt I had been grieving over the last while, not in the bereavement sense, but because I've never had a relationships, even though I've wanted to. I've found this useful and there's no way I would have come to this realisation on my own. Plus depression and all that crap.