What's the point of getting married?
OutsideView
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Although there are those who consider getting married a great romantic gesture, and others (usually woman no offense) like the opportunity to throw a party and get dressed up so that they are the centre of attention.
Personally, think you could use the money wasted on a wedding and honeymoon on starting a business,
or going on one super cool holiday around the world or something.
I disagree with this. I think it's great being married but owning a business would be horrible! We did partly get married to have a party but rather than wanting to be the centre of attention we wanted everyone else to have a great fun day (plus what we did didn't cost too much).
The other point of getting married for us was to celebrate being in love and the fact that we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. Even if we couldn't celebrate, there was still making our relationship important in the eyes of the law (for convenience).
_________________
Silence lies steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House. And we who walk here, walk alone.
She's not religious.
Atheist means not religious.
She's not having a party.
She can be in love with him and live with him.
She doesn't live in a country which is backwards in terms of medical stuff. We have an NHS.
I don't get it.
I don't get why she doesn't wait til 2022 and invite everyone like before. Then she'd have a nice party & wedding.
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Not actually a girl
He/him
I never understood the point of weddings.
I mean not having a wedding & getting married.
Or having a really limited wedding & getting married.
I don't personally understand as in long for a wedding. But I get why an NT who loves friends and socialising would want one. Excuse for a party!
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OutsideView
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Location: England ^not male but apparently you can't change it
Perhaps she's just too excited to wait or perhaps she wants to be married before she has kids or reaches a certain age. I wanted to get married before getting pregnant but I've no idea why since we're not religious and no one would have cared
Can you ask her why she's not waiting?
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Silence lies steadily against the wood and stone of Hill House. And we who walk here, walk alone.
AngelRho
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LEGAL marriage is entirely a convenience. That’s all it is. You don’t really get married out of love or wanting children or lifelong companionship. Those are good reasons to get married, but those aren’t the main focus of being married.
If, say, someone ends up in the hospital. Having a marriage partner means you have someone who can step in and make sure your wishes regarding treatment, life-saving procedures, and even end-of-life concerns are respected.
If you become disabled long-term, you don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen to you because you have someone who can deal with that.
Or suppose you split up. If you have children, you can easily hire lawyers who will negotiate for you how to allocate property held in common, visitation/primary custody, child support, etc., both of you have to agree on terms, and a judge has to sign off on it. If your spouse poses a threat to you, you can get a temporary restraining order. Then it’s DONE and you can try to live normal lives again. Marriage laws offer that level of protection, whereas shacking up does not. If you shack up and your partner cheats on you, which she is free to do any time, there are no consequences. She can walk right out of your apartment with your TV that you paid for, simply claim it’s hers, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re married and you think she’s cheating, you can hire a private investigator to follow her, collect evidence, and take her to the cleaners. If SHE paid for the TV, oh well...shoulda thought about that before you CHEATED!! !
Marriage basically functions as a way to say you are going to take responsibility of everything in life together, both the good and the bad, and legally binds you to it. If something goes wrong, it gives you an escape route.
Start a romantic relationship because you love someone. Don’t get married for love. Love just gets you to the altar or the JP. Everything else is just business. I married my best friend, so things like love, etc. are not things that we really have to worry about. It’s understood and obvious we love each other, so that’s a given. Our actual legal marriage is about a lot of other things and is helpful when it comes to children, school, real estate ownership, what happens when one or both of us is out of a job or even homeless, not having to worry about who pays when we want a new gaming console, etc. You can do the same thing without a legal marriage, but, again, that also leaves you vulnerable.
We are both former paralegals, btw, who spent more time than we like to admit ending people’s marriages and ruining men’s lives. We used to run scenarios about what would happen if WE decided to divorce, none of which ended well. Men, myself included, don’t tend to want to end relationships, especially not marriages. The problem is they seldom understand their rights and typically don’t fight for them, so we usually lay down and play dead. We both are aware of some of the intimidation tactics lawyers use to force a guy’s hand, and we both know better than to do something stupid (like dating) during divorce proceedings. But more recently lawyers and judges tend to favor parties who want to reconcile. That means you can fight a divorce, bury your partner in paperwork all the way to the bitter end, and make life a living hell for them if you don’t get what you want.
Try that after just shacking up with someone and you’re liable to go to prison. If you love her more than life, as stupid as that is, you can’t fight to get her back, nor can you demand restitution if she does something ugly. Marriage allows you to do that and gives you some options if things were to go sour.
Double Retired
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I never understood the point of weddings.
When my bride and I married I suggested we just go to the courthouse and sign some paperwork. She wanted the ceremony, in a church.
I'm wasn't that interested in a ceremony so I planted my tongue firmly in my cheek and suggested I give my 7-year old nephew special power-of-attorney to represent me in the ceremony. I enjoyed my bride's consternation at that idea!
_________________
When diagnosed I bought champagne!
I finally knew why people were strange.
Perhaps she's just too excited to wait or perhaps she wants to be married before she has kids or reaches a certain age. I wanted to get married before getting pregnant but I've no idea why since we're not religious and no one would have cared
Can you ask her why she's not waiting?
She said she doesn't want kids.
I think best bet is to ask her actually.
Except I think for an NT that would be seen as an invasive question.
I could ask mum but mum would probably think I'm 'jealous'. Even though the idea of a wife, let alone a husband, isn't something I long for.
If anything I'm a bit sad cos part of me is socially anxious & glad not to be round all her friends who I don't know but another part of me wishes she would get married in 2022 so I could come and congratulate her. If nothing else, I'm sending her a message saying 'I'm happy for you'.
I think unlike me she's only really seen the positive side of marriage. Her parents were married before she was born and are still married now she's 25. My stepdad and mum were common-law spouses (ie they lived together and we did everything as a family) then got married as an open demonstration of love and as a party and as a 'something to do' when I was already an adult. My mum and dad got married for religious reasons when my mum was 19. It didn't work out well and they divorced.
_________________
Not actually a girl
He/him
If, say, someone ends up in the hospital. Having a marriage partner means you have someone who can step in and make sure your wishes regarding treatment, life-saving procedures, and even end-of-life concerns are respected.
If you become disabled long-term, you don’t have to worry about what’s going to happen to you because you have someone who can deal with that.
Or suppose you split up. If you have children, you can easily hire lawyers who will negotiate for you how to allocate property held in common, visitation/primary custody, child support, etc., both of you have to agree on terms, and a judge has to sign off on it. If your spouse poses a threat to you, you can get a temporary restraining order. Then it’s DONE and you can try to live normal lives again. Marriage laws offer that level of protection, whereas shacking up does not. If you shack up and your partner cheats on you, which she is free to do any time, there are no consequences. She can walk right out of your apartment with your TV that you paid for, simply claim it’s hers, and there’s nothing you can do about it. If you’re married and you think she’s cheating, you can hire a private investigator to follow her, collect evidence, and take her to the cleaners. If SHE paid for the TV, oh well...shoulda thought about that before you CHEATED!! !
Marriage basically functions as a way to say you are going to take responsibility of everything in life together, both the good and the bad, and legally binds you to it. If something goes wrong, it gives you an escape route.
Start a romantic relationship because you love someone. Don’t get married for love. Love just gets you to the altar or the JP. Everything else is just business. I married my best friend, so things like love, etc. are not things that we really have to worry about. It’s understood and obvious we love each other, so that’s a given. Our actual legal marriage is about a lot of other things and is helpful when it comes to children, school, real estate ownership, what happens when one or both of us is out of a job or even homeless, not having to worry about who pays when we want a new gaming console, etc. You can do the same thing without a legal marriage, but, again, that also leaves you vulnerable.
We are both former paralegals, btw, who spent more time than we like to admit ending people’s marriages and ruining men’s lives. We used to run scenarios about what would happen if WE decided to divorce, none of which ended well. Men, myself included, don’t tend to want to end relationships, especially not marriages. The problem is they seldom understand their rights and typically don’t fight for them, so we usually lay down and play dead. We both are aware of some of the intimidation tactics lawyers use to force a guy’s hand, and we both know better than to do something stupid (like dating) during divorce proceedings. But more recently lawyers and judges tend to favor parties who want to reconcile. That means you can fight a divorce, bury your partner in paperwork all the way to the bitter end, and make life a living hell for them if you don’t get what you want.
Try that after just shacking up with someone and you’re liable to go to prison. If you love her more than life, as stupid as that is, you can’t fight to get her back, nor can you demand restitution if she does something ugly. Marriage allows you to do that and gives you some options if things were to go sour.
... ... ...
Thank you for your insight...I agree with you in that marriage is a protection under the law in many ways...However, I respectfully disagree with your personal point of view on the topic...Let me specify...I am an NT who married an Aspie for LOVE and NOT convenience...I also happen to have a BA in Legal Studies and one decade of experience, working in the legal profession on a paralegal capacity...Although i did not work with Family Law matters; i am very much familiar with all aspects of the legal process...It was a required course for my curriculum at the university-level...In the practice, i actually specialized in civil litigation...Anyway, you are obviously familiar with dissolutions of marriage (by the way, this is the correct legal term)...For the record, i am not replying here to question your credentials, but to question your very personal point of view on the topic of the institution of marriage...
Please forgive me, if i misinterpreted your words...First of all, i commend you for marrying your best-friend...Friendship is a great foundation for the success of a marriage...According to you, you and your spouse have extensive experience dissolving marriages...So, this may explain your negative outlook on the institution of marriage as merely a protection under the law...It makes sense that you think this way, considering that in your career you dealt with the UNHAPPY marriages and not the HAPPY marriages...
Please know that there is an often forgotten segment of the population who, like me, married for LOVE...In my younger years, i had the opportunity to marry for CONVENIENCE to at least one law student or one attorney, both of whom had more earning capacity than me back then...(One of them did proposed to me; i respectfully declined)...In my sunny state of California, my marriage is considered 'permanent' for all legal purposes after the third year of marriage...Had i married for convenience, i could have opted for divorce after the third year of marriage, and i would have been entitled to spousal support...However, because a marriage of convenience goes against my value system, i waited until i could marry for LOVE...And i married a good-hearted man who is 190lbs. of AUTISM GOLD...
In fact, because i had his well-being in mind before mine, i gave-up my dream wedding, which would have allowed me the opportunity to share my HAPPINESS with family and friends who sincerely care for me...Instead, i settled for a modest civil ceremony with only my parents present...So, for the record, not all NTs get marry as an excuse to have a party that allows them to be the center of attention...Some NTs actually marry for LOVE...Because they wish to spend their life together to care for each other...Because they are willing to commit to each other in fidelity and loyalty and love...Because they wish to provide the security allowed by the legal institution of marriage...Because they want the respect and honor granted only by this sacred institution...And most importantly, in my case, because I want God's blessing in our union Anyhow, thank you for reading...
Post Script: Jesus Christ attended at least one wedding that we know about, wherein he performed his first miracle, a better quality wine...To share in the joy and happiness of the newlyweds...Just a friendly reminder to those of you reading who consider yourselves Christians...
Why say this? What give you the right to guit trip people via their faith to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Jesus didn't have sensory issues. The amount of people, noise, smells etc. would bother him. He enjoyed talking to people. He wouldn't have felt bored.
People on the spectrum are different. They have reasons for not doing things that NTs take for granted.
DON'T EVER use the faith of an aspie to get them to do something that makes them uncomfortable. Would you please engage your brain before you type things out. It sounds really passive-agressive.
Also Jesus was God.
If someone had a virus when Jesus was there, he could have cured it. Heck, he rose the dead.
Someone gets corona? A regular person can't do anything about that.
That's why we ought to obey the law. The law doesn't want more than 30 people at a wedding. It's wise for those of us who aren't God to listen to that, rather than relying upon our own ability to perform a miracle.
_________________
Not actually a girl
He/him
Why say this? What give you the right to guit trip people via their faith to do something that makes them feel uncomfortable. Jesus didn't have sensory issues. The amount of people, noise, smells etc. would bother him. He enjoyed talking to people. He wouldn't have felt bored.
People on the spectrum are different. They have reasons for not doing things that NTs take for granted.
DON'T EVER use the faith of an aspie to get them to do something that makes them uncomfortable. Would you please engage your brain before you type things out. It sounds really passive-agressive.
Hmmm, I don't interpret it as guilt-tripping anyone into anything... I read it as "it is okay to have a party and rejoice", not "it is a religious obligation to have a big, drunken party".
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Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.
<not moderating PPR stuff concerning East Europe>
Back to the topic - why I got married:
It's a clear, unambigous message to the family, state, church and anyone potentially interested, about the nature of the relationship and its importance.
After getting married, it's clear e.g. to my parents that they are no longer my no.1 part of the family.
Saying "I have a boyfriend" to anyone you meet is ridiculous but wearing a wedding ring is perfectly socially acceptable.
So, to me, getting married has an important dimension of message to the society.
_________________
Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.
<not moderating PPR stuff concerning East Europe>
The_Face_of_Boo
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