31 Dec 2020, 10:13 pm
Chejana wrote:
Thank you very much for your support.
Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.
Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.
I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.
Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.
I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
... ... ...
I have read that some Aspies are asexual...(Some NTs may also be asexual)...In such cases, they would not feel the need for intimacy...Other Aspies, like my beloved (Aspie) husband, do like sex...I have also read that Aspies often suffer from anxiety; but they cannot express how they feel...(Even some NT men suffer from performance anxiety)...Please keep in mind that unlike us women, the men's body must 'transform'...(Under pressure, they cannot 'transform')...So if you try to initiate sex with your husband, he may feel pressured and may not respond as a healthy NT would...So, you end-up feeling rejected...And lonely in your marriage...Please know that you should not take his apparent rejection personal, because it is NOT personal!! !...Intimacy is very challenging to Aspies due to some autistic traits, like sensory issues and the like...
For your information, experts on ASD have found that (avoidant attachment) Aspies marry (anxious attachment) NTs...So, my advice to you is that you give him the time and space that he evidently needs...Leave him alone...Watch him from a distance...Still, continue to cater to his needs as usual...Be pleasant...Reiterate that you still love him...That you are not leaving him...That you are available at his request...That it is ok if he does not wishes to have intimacy for the time being...And please follow through with your promises of being understanding to his mood-swings...Eventually, sooner than later, he will come to you...He will seek intimacy with you...
Because you know him better than nobody else, you know better than me or anyone else what works best for your marriage...Also, keep in mind that patterns in marriages are established at the very beginning of the relationship...For example, knowing this, i made sure that my beloved husband and i hug daily for at least 20 seconds, which according to experts is good for the heart...You may not be too late to incorporate in your daily or weekly routine some shows of affection that your husband may learn to enjoy...
You are a 7-year success story of a neuro-diverse marriage...And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!! !...This says a lot about the wonderful woman that you are, which is why your Aspie husband has not left your side...Hold-on to HOPE with all your might...I will keep you in my prayers...
31 Dec 2020, 10:26 pm
jimmy m wrote:
Many Aspies do not display emotions like others. They are hard to read. So if you husband is an Aspie, it is best to be direct. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Also written communications can be more effective than verbal. Aspies like to mull over things in their mind. It takes us a little longer for things to sink in.
For example my wife complained because she felt unloved. I noticed that in her culture flowers were important and that giving flowers were a sign of affection. So for the past decade I have been bringing her a bouquet of roses whenever I go to town.
I never remember birthdays or anniversaries. So my children have put alerts on my computer that will pop up with warnings. They cover for me.
These are some of the positive attributes of Aspies:
* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.
* Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.
* “Most of the major advances in science and the arts have been made by people with Asperger’s”
For example my wife complained because she felt unloved. I noticed that in her culture flowers were important and that giving flowers were a sign of affection. So for the past decade I have been bringing her a bouquet of roses whenever I go to town.
I never remember birthdays or anniversaries. So my children have put alerts on my computer that will pop up with warnings. They cover for me.
These are some of the positive attributes of Aspies:
* They are usually loyal and dependable. Competing to get ahead is less important than solving problems and meeting challenges. Conscientiousness, faithfulness and devotion to duty matter more than ambition, especially if that ambition would cause others to suffer.
* Adults with Aspergers pursue ideas they believe in without being deterred by what others say. They are not easily swayed by others’ opinions, nor do they give up because someone tries to convince them otherwise.
* They are good at recognizing patterns and in classifying things. They are comfortable with order, precision and categorization, which make them successful in following rules, allocating resources and solving problems.
* They tend to be sincere, positive and genuine, which make them loyal and dependable friends.
* Speaking their minds regardless of the social context is true of many adults with Aspergers. They are much more interested in someone’s skills and expertise than whether that person is viewed favorably by others.
* Adults with Aspergers are especially good at noting and recalling details. They are helpful at work that requires knowledge of facts, details, and memory. They are often exceptional at the recall of details forgotten or disregarded by others. They have a passion for gathering and cataloging information on a topic of interest.
* An acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, including touch, vision, and smell is common and having such unusual sensory experiences gives them a different perspective on the world.
* Adults with Aspergers tend to be trusting of others, even charmingly naïve. They are compassionate and caring, and many maintain the belief in the possibility of positive relationships.
* They are often direct, speak their mind and are honest. Many have a strong sense of social justice.
* Because they don’t mind being alone, they are often willing to engage in solitary work that others avoid, which puts them in the position of making tremendous contributions at work and school.
* They are able to comprehend multiple levels of meanings of words and ideas and can form connections that others miss.
* They are persistent, and when they set their minds to something or make a promise they can usually be trusted to follow through.
* A relationship with someone who has Aspergers tends to be free from bias and discrimination based on race, gender, age or other differences. They judge people based on their behavior not the color of their skin, socioeconomic status or political influence.
* They are not inclined to be bullies, con artists or social manipulators.
* “Most of the major advances in science and the arts have been made by people with Asperger’s”
... ... ...
Today, my beloved (yet undiagnosed Aspie) husband brought me a bouquet of carnations, my favorite...And a huge stuffed animal (big bear) and a heart shaped box of chocolates...LOVE HIM
01 Jan 2021, 12:23 am
Stalk wrote:
Chejana wrote:
Thank you very much for your support.
Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.
Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.
I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.
Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.
I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
He may very well be part of the Cluster B types of personalities. He could be a narcissist (they will never admit to anything and always use others to do their dirty work for them), a sociopath, histrionic (the dramatic ones that makes everything personal), Antisocial Personality Disorder.... well and so much more. If he doesn't want to talk to your couples therapist. Why not let him, choose his own therapist. Even if he does, it will take at least 5 years to make any improvement. That's if he is not inevitably delaying his appointments to make it look like the therapist wasn't able to meet him.
Anyway, I would say cut him off, and move on with your life, and then take a hard look at why you are so attracted to him (or people like him). Because there is a reason why you allowed him into your life in the first place. So you should discuss that with your therapist. (Usually Cluster C type personalities ends up being the doormats for Cluster Bs).
I recommend Elinor Greenberg Ph.D's book Borderline, Narcissistic, and Schizoid Adaptations: The Pursuit of Love, Admiration, and Safety 1st Edition
First you need to be self aware. Then you will understand the other person. Because if you don't, you will just end up going for the same type of person again.
Narcissists comes in so many levels, they could be the classic narcissist, or covert or passive aggressive etc. Normally cluster C lacks complete narcissism, because narcissism is healthy when balanced. A narcissist refers to someone where the narcissism is so high and pervasive in their life that it ends up being on the opposite end of the spectrum of narcissism.
... ... ...
Sorry, but i failed to see how you could possibly suspect narcissism in this case...If his therapists suspect ASD, and his wife of 7 years corroborates this, then he is most likely ASD...Believe me, there is an ocean of difference between one and the other...Superficially these two types may appear to be the same...However, in the case of the narcissist--a wounded soul, by the way--there is DELIBERATE INTENT in his wrongdoings...An Aspie, on the other hand, is simply clueless as to what he did wrong or what he failed to do...I know the difference between these two types, because my father is a reformed narcissist; and my beloved husband is a yet undiagnosed Aspie...
And you are right in that we need to become self-aware...I cannot speak on behalf of Chejana, so i will only speak for myself...I am self-aware...Self-aware of the fact that i fell deeply in love with my beloved (Aspie) husband...Because i admire a logical brain and a superior intellect...Because i am empathetic as many NTs married to Aspies are...Because i possess an above-average--if not superior--emotional intelligence...Because i am attracted to those with attributes that complement mine...Please notice that there is nothing necessarily pathological about falling in love with someone with autistic traits...Thank you for reading...And greetings from CA...
02 Jan 2021, 8:20 am
03 Jan 2021, 8:16 am
Chejana wrote:
Thank you all for your encouraging and mind-opening information and advises. I feel really grateful towards you since I wrote this post in a moment I feel like nowhere to seek help.
I am still processing the information given by you and trying to understand the difference between narcissistic personalities and aspies. No psychiatrist among the three I visited suggested he is narcissistic. I also never thought he is narcissistic because, he never neglected me when I was in hard times like illnesses, although he is unable to share my emotions. For example, when I am ill, he supplies whatever I need, though he never suggests (It maybe medicine, maybe food, but I must name it, then he will bring.) He never tries to interfere with my work too.
I am still processing the information given by you and trying to understand the difference between narcissistic personalities and aspies. No psychiatrist among the three I visited suggested he is narcissistic. I also never thought he is narcissistic because, he never neglected me when I was in hard times like illnesses, although he is unable to share my emotions. For example, when I am ill, he supplies whatever I need, though he never suggests (It maybe medicine, maybe food, but I must name it, then he will bring.) He never tries to interfere with my work too.
... ... ...
Your Aspie sounds like a KEEPER...
...Let me tell you what helps me most with my beloved (Aspie) husband: I make it a must to FOCUS on all of his wonderful qualities, everyday...Please never lose sight of your husband's qualities...Doing this, in and of itself, will make your situation much more bearable...(Only another NT wife, like me, truly understands how difficult it can be 
)Also, take good care of yourself...Seek medical help for yourself...Even if he refuses marriage counseling, do seek counseling for yourself...Look for a counselor who specializes in autism...Just this week, i found one on the internet who charges 67 dollars per 1 hour session...His audios are free on youtube...I have listened to many of his audios, and i can tell that he is very knowledgeable...And i perceive his commitment to saving neuro-diverse marriages...I plan to buy his e-book which is only about 20 dollars...And i will soon schedule an appt via Skype...I am very much looking forward to seeking help from this professional for my own wellbeing...I think that if I am well, i can be a better companion to my beloved husband...
Best wishes to you in your neuro-diverse marriage...
Rexi
Veteran
Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,388
Location: "I know there's nothing we can do. But my heart can't accept it." "If this is real, then I want to change the future."
03 Jan 2021, 10:24 am
There is no reason in this whole wide world to stay in a marriage which is this unhappy and unhealthy.
You are already suffering extreme health consequences that put you under medication. The best thing for the both of you is to leave. Think of how this could improve your life, you deserve to be healthy and feel like yourself. There are certain things that you can't negotiate and remain happy. It looks like this is one of them. We can do a lot of things but it doesn't mean they are the right way.
It sounds like it's over, he will not keep going to psychologists because he tried that. By the way psychologists are better than psychiatrists to get people to open up, especially autistics. From what I know psychiatrists ask questions which aspies tend to hate, and give meds or some suggestions of life changes that aren't nearly enough. Seems like you can't fix his issues and he will not change.
In the future try not to fix the person's issues, watch if they work on themselves when tough times come and how they treat you in those times. Your only responsibility is to identify what you do wrong and deal with it, otherwise you fall in codependency and no one appreciates it either. You're not their parent, you are their lover. Observe and remove the unhealthy from your life as soon as possible. Take care
_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner.
x Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.
03 Jan 2021, 11:20 am
Chejana wrote:
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
What means 'not be intimate with me'? No sex? Would be a reason for a divorce. Talk to him about your feelings and your expectations. If he has Asperger's then he may not realize your feelings and needs in a nonverbal way. You have to be very open with it for him for making him aware of that. Psychiatrist can't help much with it. Once he becomes aware of his own problems then he can try to improve with your help. But you have to trust each other a lot for this an be very open with your feelings then.
_________________
I am as I am.
Life has to be an adventure!Rexi
Veteran
Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,388
Location: "I know there's nothing we can do. But my heart can't accept it." "If this is real, then I want to change the future."
03 Jan 2021, 2:12 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
7 years, and you are "thinking of a way out"? Yeah ... that seems about right.
Here in the West, we call it the "Seven-Year Itch".
Here in the West, we call it the "Seven-Year Itch".
... ... ...
For your information, more than half of marriages fail within the first year of marriage...The next dangerous year is the third year...Then the fifth...If the marriage survives the seventh year, there is still the risk it may end when their youngest child graduates highschool...I know this, based on my in-depth conversations with a female attorney with many years of experience working with dissolutions of marriage at a time i worked on a paralegal capacity with personal injury matters...
So, to attribute this post to the so-called 7-year-itch is to undermine the pain and suffering of an Aspie's wife...With all due respect, I think you owe her an apology...Thank you...
My parents split when I was 17 and it was super messy because they involved me as a mail device, don't know what's worse, to be a child or a teenager with all the teenage mental turmoil when at this age there is the time frame when neuronal changes happen and the brain is left completely unprotected and any traumatic event can leave a person with schizophrenia especially if they have it in the family, genetic [which i did]. im surprised im fine
_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner.
x Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.
03 Jan 2021, 4:10 pm
Rexi wrote:
Clueless2017 wrote:
Fnord wrote:
7 years, and you are "thinking of a way out"? Yeah ... that seems about right.
Here in the West, we call it the "Seven-Year Itch".
Here in the West, we call it the "Seven-Year Itch".
... ... ...
For your information, more than half of marriages fail within the first year of marriage...The next dangerous year is the third year...Then the fifth...If the marriage survives the seventh year, there is still the risk it may end when their youngest child graduates highschool...I know this, based on my in-depth conversations with a female attorney with many years of experience working with dissolutions of marriage at a time i worked on a paralegal capacity with personal injury matters...
So, to attribute this post to the so-called 7-year-itch is to undermine the pain and suffering of an Aspie's wife...With all due respect, I think you owe her an apology...Thank you...
My parents split when I was 17 and it was super messy because they involved me as a mail device, don't know what's worse, to be a child or a teenager with all the teenage mental turmoil when at this age there is the time frame when neuronal changes happen and the brain is left completely unprotected and any traumatic event can leave a person with schizophrenia especially if they have it in the family, genetic [which i did]. im surprised im fine
... ... ...
You are a SURVIVOR of divorce...I commend you...You must be STRONG...Sending good vibes your way...
03 Jan 2021, 4:13 pm
Clueless2017 wrote:
Chejana wrote:
Thank you very much for your support.
Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.
Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.
I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
Actually, I started to feel he is indifferent towards me, within the first few months of marriage. He always engaged in his work and did not come to our home for two months in the beginning. Then I talked with him and was able to meet a psychiatrist with him. It was the first time I heard about Aspergers. However, he refused to meet him after two sessions. Thereafter again time passed without any improvement and I started to suffer from unbearable headache. Then, the physician suggested that I am probably suffering from depression and recommended to meet a psychiatrist. I was treated to depression by this second psychiatrist and when I got better due to medications he again chose not to meet the psychiatrist. The second psychiatrist also suspected that he is an aspie and said that he refuses to answer any question out of his comfortable range and he is unhappy to cope with any counselling.
Like this, I actually worked with three psychiatrists. My husband refused to talk with them and participate in counselling sessions in the middle on all three occasions.
I somehow manage to have the marriage for 7 years. But by now, I feel I am exhausted and my efforts are in vain. I feel like I am taken for granted in this relationship.
But, I am still trying to continue this, because he values my freedom and respects me as a partner, although he can not be intimate with me and I feel lonely within marriage. I am thinking of a way out and try more.
... ... ...
I have read that some Aspies are asexual...(Some NTs may also be asexual)...In such cases, they would not feel the need for intimacy...Other Aspies, like my beloved (Aspie) husband, do like sex...I have also read that Aspies often suffer from anxiety; but they cannot express how they feel...(Even some NT men suffer from performance anxiety)...Please keep in mind that unlike us women, the men's body must 'transform'...(Under pressure, they cannot 'transform')...So if you try to initiate sex with your husband, he may feel pressured and may not respond as a healthy NT would...So, you end-up feeling rejected...And lonely in your marriage...Please know that you should not take his apparent rejection personal, because it is NOT personal!! !...Intimacy is very challenging to Aspies due to some autistic traits, like sensory issues and the like...
For your information, experts on ASD have found that (avoidant attachment) Aspies marry (anxious attachment) NTs...So, my advice to you is that you give him the time and space that he evidently needs...Leave him alone...Watch him from a distance...Still, continue to cater to his needs as usual...Be pleasant...Reiterate that you still love him...That you are not leaving him...That you are available at his request...That it is ok if he does not wishes to have intimacy for the time being...And please follow through with your promises of being understanding to his mood-swings...Eventually, sooner than later, he will come to you...He will seek intimacy with you...
Because you know him better than nobody else, you know better than me or anyone else what works best for your marriage...Also, keep in mind that patterns in marriages are established at the very beginning of the relationship...For example, knowing this, i made sure that my beloved husband and i hug daily for at least 20 seconds, which according to experts is good for the heart...You may not be too late to incorporate in your daily or weekly routine some shows of affection that your husband may learn to enjoy...
You are a 7-year success story of a neuro-diverse marriage...And don't let anyone tell you otherwise!! !...This says a lot about the wonderful woman that you are, which is why your Aspie husband has not left your side...Hold-on to HOPE with all your might...I will keep you in my prayers...
... ... ...
Rexi and Quite an Extreme...
Please read my reply above...This may help both of you to see things from a more balanced perspective...Thank you both...
Double Retired
Veteran
Joined: 31 Jul 2020
Age: 70
Gender: Male
Posts: 6,324
Location: U.S.A. (Mid-Atlantic)
03 Jan 2021, 4:36 pm
Chejana, Hi! I'm an Aspie husband. My bride and I are rapidly approaching our 21st anniversary. We are devoted to each other and we drive each other nuts. (That's a two-way street, by the way, and I thought all husbands and wives did that--my Aspieness just changes how I drive her nuts.)
I can't speak for your husband but I can give a few observations from my vantage point.
If your husband is an Aspie then he is an Aspie whether he is diagnosed, or not. A diagnosis might not change him much. But, if you are sure he is an Aspie then you have a lot of information you can use with or without a formal diagnosis--and if you poke around on the Internet you can find a lot more.
https://lovinganasperger.wordpress.com/ ... ect-lover/
I don't know how my bride would describe our relationship and I don't know how much of the following she would agree with, but here goes...
I am predictable and reliable, like the tide or the planetary orbits. She generally knows where I am, which direction I will go, and how I will react--and she has learned to use me as a reliable anchor for her more interesting life.
I know how to amuse her. How I should help her. Despite being very predictable I still manage to surprise her (sometimes). And, in my own way, I try to make her happy.
https://aspiespot.com/an-aspie-loves-you/
The good and bad news is that Aspies are generally described as not liking change. But if he married you, then he made a huge change because he wanted you in his life.
We only discovered I was an Aspie after our 19th anniversary. But we've been learning to live together since our wedding.
Oh, I showed my bride this comic today:
https://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2021/01/03
She laughed aloud and noted that I was a lot like that guy.
03 Jan 2021, 5:30 pm
03 Jan 2021, 5:34 pm
Double Retired wrote:
Chejana, Hi! I'm an Aspie husband. My bride and I are rapidly approaching our 21st anniversary. We are devoted to each other and we drive each other nuts. (That's a two-way street, by the way, and I thought all husbands and wives did that--my Aspieness just changes how I drive her nuts.)
I can't speak for your husband but I can give a few observations from my vantage point.
If your husband is an Aspie then he is an Aspie whether he is diagnosed, or not. A diagnosis might not change him much. But, if you are sure he is an Aspie then you have a lot of information you can use with or without a formal diagnosis--and if you poke around on the Internet you can find a lot more.
https://lovinganasperger.wordpress.com/ ... ect-lover/
I don't know how my bride would describe our relationship and I don't know how much of the following she would agree with, but here goes...
I am predictable and reliable, like the tide or the planetary orbits. She generally knows where I am, which direction I will go, and how I will react--and she has learned to use me as a reliable anchor for her more interesting life.
I know how to amuse her. How I should help her. Despite being very predictable I still manage to surprise her (sometimes). And, in my own way, I try to make her happy.
https://aspiespot.com/an-aspie-loves-you/
The good and bad news is that Aspies are generally described as not liking change. But if he married you, then he made a huge change because he wanted you in his life.
We only discovered I was an Aspie after our 19th anniversary. But we've been learning to live together since our wedding.
Oh, I showed my bride this comic today:
https://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2021/01/03
She laughed aloud and noted that I was a lot like that guy.
and we drive each other nuts. (That's a two-way street, by the way, and I thought all husbands and wives did that--my Aspieness just changes how I drive her nuts.)I can't speak for your husband but I can give a few observations from my vantage point.
If your husband is an Aspie then he is an Aspie whether he is diagnosed, or not. A diagnosis might not change him much. But, if you are sure he is an Aspie then you have a lot of information you can use with or without a formal diagnosis--and if you poke around on the Internet you can find a lot more.
https://lovinganasperger.wordpress.com/ ... ect-lover/
I don't know how my bride would describe our relationship and I don't know how much of the following she would agree with, but here goes...
I am predictable and reliable, like the tide or the planetary orbits. She generally knows where I am, which direction I will go, and how I will react--and she has learned to use me as a reliable anchor for her more interesting life.
I know how to amuse her. How I should help her. Despite being very predictable I still manage to surprise her (sometimes). And, in my own way, I try to make her happy.
https://aspiespot.com/an-aspie-loves-you/
The good and bad news is that Aspies are generally described as not liking change. But if he married you, then he made a huge change because he wanted you in his life.
We only discovered I was an Aspie after our 19th anniversary. But we've been learning to live together since our wedding.
Oh, I showed my bride this comic today:
https://www.gocomics.com/pickles/2021/01/03
She laughed aloud and noted that I was a lot like that guy.
... ... ...
What a delight it is to read your posts...I loved your comic...
Rexi
Veteran
Joined: 3 Sep 2017
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,388
Location: "I know there's nothing we can do. But my heart can't accept it." "If this is real, then I want to change the future."
03 Jan 2021, 6:06 pm
idntonkw wrote:
Rexi wrote:
There is no reason in this whole wide world to stay in a marriage which is this unhappy and unhealthy.
You are already suffering extreme health consequences that put you under medication. The best thing for the both of you is to leave. Think of how this could improve your life, you deserve to be healthy and feel like yourself. There are certain things that you can't negotiate and remain happy. It looks like this is one of them. We can do a lot of things but it doesn't mean they are the right way.
It sounds like it's over, he will not keep going to psychologists because he tried that. By the way psychologists are better than psychiatrists to get people to open up, especially autistics. From what I know psychiatrists ask questions which aspies tend to hate, and give meds or some suggestions of life changes that aren't nearly enough. Seems like you can't fix his issues and he will not change.
In the future try not to fix the person's issues, watch if they work on themselves when tough times come and how they treat you in those times. Your only responsibility is to identify what you do wrong and deal with it, otherwise you fall in codependency and no one appreciates it either. You're not their parent, you are their lover. Observe and remove the unhealthy from your life as soon as possible. Take care
You are already suffering extreme health consequences that put you under medication. The best thing for the both of you is to leave. Think of how this could improve your life, you deserve to be healthy and feel like yourself. There are certain things that you can't negotiate and remain happy. It looks like this is one of them. We can do a lot of things but it doesn't mean they are the right way.
It sounds like it's over, he will not keep going to psychologists because he tried that. By the way psychologists are better than psychiatrists to get people to open up, especially autistics. From what I know psychiatrists ask questions which aspies tend to hate, and give meds or some suggestions of life changes that aren't nearly enough. Seems like you can't fix his issues and he will not change.
In the future try not to fix the person's issues, watch if they work on themselves when tough times come and how they treat you in those times. Your only responsibility is to identify what you do wrong and deal with it, otherwise you fall in codependency and no one appreciates it either. You're not their parent, you are their lover. Observe and remove the unhealthy from your life as soon as possible. Take care
Yes, reports sugget that indeed many women DO need a sexual relationship with an NT man, or they don't see a point in life. This need is so great, that women are better off dating a criminal, alcoholic, cheater, bum, etc., and with an AS man their need is not met and they end up having mental health problems and unhappy with life. It's absolutely a phenomenon. Women are sexual and sociable creatures and with an AS they lack that and just start to die off like a plant that isn't watered.
Intimacy is different for everyone. Sex is just one way people can get their energy back. The way it happens and when matters too, people can get traumatized from the wrong thing.
To OP: if you want to leave but emotionally you are afraid or held back I suggest asking an older friend/group of friends who cannot date you for help to break up and support through the days after. Make a special room online for it, it's safer and better to get help even when one is offline. Lesser chance someone misbehaves, within a group.
_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner.
x Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.
03 Jan 2021, 7:00 pm
idntonkw wrote:
Rexi wrote:
There is no reason in this whole wide world to stay in a marriage which is this unhappy and unhealthy.
You are already suffering extreme health consequences that put you under medication. The best thing for the both of you is to leave. Think of how this could improve your life, you deserve to be healthy and feel like yourself. There are certain things that you can't negotiate and remain happy. It looks like this is one of them. We can do a lot of things but it doesn't mean they are the right way.
It sounds like it's over, he will not keep going to psychologists because he tried that. By the way psychologists are better than psychiatrists to get people to open up, especially autistics. From what I know psychiatrists ask questions which aspies tend to hate, and give meds or some suggestions of life changes that aren't nearly enough. Seems like you can't fix his issues and he will not change.
In the future try not to fix the person's issues, watch if they work on themselves when tough times come and how they treat you in those times. Your only responsibility is to identify what you do wrong and deal with it, otherwise you fall in codependency and no one appreciates it either. You're not their parent, you are their lover. Observe and remove the unhealthy from your life as soon as possible. Take care
You are already suffering extreme health consequences that put you under medication. The best thing for the both of you is to leave. Think of how this could improve your life, you deserve to be healthy and feel like yourself. There are certain things that you can't negotiate and remain happy. It looks like this is one of them. We can do a lot of things but it doesn't mean they are the right way.
It sounds like it's over, he will not keep going to psychologists because he tried that. By the way psychologists are better than psychiatrists to get people to open up, especially autistics. From what I know psychiatrists ask questions which aspies tend to hate, and give meds or some suggestions of life changes that aren't nearly enough. Seems like you can't fix his issues and he will not change.
In the future try not to fix the person's issues, watch if they work on themselves when tough times come and how they treat you in those times. Your only responsibility is to identify what you do wrong and deal with it, otherwise you fall in codependency and no one appreciates it either. You're not their parent, you are their lover. Observe and remove the unhealthy from your life as soon as possible. Take care
Yes, reports sugget that indeed many women DO need a sexual relationship with an NT man, or they don't see a point in life. This need is so great, that women are better off dating a criminal, alcoholic, cheater, bum, etc., and with an AS man their need is not met and they end up having mental health problems and unhappy with life. It's absolutely a phenomenon. Women are sexual and sociable creatures and with an AS they lack that and just start to die off like a plant that isn't watered.
... ... ...
NT here, happily married to my beloved (Aspie) husband who, like many Aspies, does likes sex...In fact, in our relationship, i have written here in WP before, how he wants sex more frequently than ME...We have only been married for less than two years...And i fully understand that his sexual needs may change overtime...And that is ok with ME as long as my beloved husband continues to show me his love in other ways...As many NT elderly couples do when they can no longer enjoy sex due to some health afflictions...
Anyhow, you are right in that some Aspies are asexual, which makes them indifferent to sex...Please remember that ASD is a disorder that affects the individual in various aspects of his or her life...In some cases, this includes the ability to enjoy an optimum sexual life...Please keep in mind that not every NT women will take the time to learn about ASD traits as i have in order to be more understanding, kind, and compassionate to his or her partner on the spectrum...
As an NT, I believe I am qualified to clarify for everyone, here in WP, what you are trying to saying in this post...NTs, men and women, are indeed EMOTIONAL and SEXUAL BEINGS...When God created Adam, God said clearly that it is not good for men to be alone...God could have easily created a completely separate being to become Adam's life partner...Instead, God put Adam into a profound sleep and took a rib from his body...From this rib, God created Eve...And so together, they made ONE complete person...Why???...Because it was and still is God's will that man and woman enjoy the most INTIMATE of human relationships--physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually...However, humans are NOT animals...We were created in God's image, able to cultivate divine, qualities like LOVE...And so, healthy SEX combined with LOVE equals INTIMACY...
Eating is a basic human necessity...However, because God wants humans to enjoy the act of eating, he gave us our taste buds...In the same way, God created us sexual beings in order to reproduce...But he created our sexuality in a way that it is a PLEASURE and not a household chore...So, to say that NT women put-up with all kinds of bad behavior from their partners because of their sexual need is a GROSS MISUNDERSTANDING of human nature from your behalf...True, many NT women put-up with a lot of (! !!) from their partner, because of their EMOTIONAL ATTACHMENT or LOVE which encompasses a lot more than just the physical attraction that leads to sex...So, please do not call a phenomenon the fact that NT women are sexual in nature...It is disrespectful to ME and many NT wives (to Aspies) who are not here to have their say...Thank you for reading...And have a blessed Sunday...
Post Script: Some NT women do develop health issues as a direct result of their partners' autistic traits NOT because of the deprivation of SEX but because of the deprivation of LOVE...I do not yet know of any NT women who have died for being deprived of SEX...My beloved paternal grandmother became a widow at age 29, when in her sexual peak...She never had any other man in her life...She died at the age of 92, still madly in love with her beloved husband...Similar case with my beloved maternal grandmother...
03 Jan 2021, 9:22 pm
| Similar Topics | |
|---|---|
| Worried about being a husband and father |
25 Dec 2024, 5:23 pm |
| Should spending the holidays with a family and husband be... |
25 Dec 2024, 9:32 pm |
| I wish we had an aspie earring |
16 Jan 2025, 8:50 pm |
| Have you been in a romantic relationship with another Aspie? |
24 Jan 2025, 2:23 pm |
