Difficulty with decisions

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Even assuming you guys are incompatible in the end, I think ideally you should get the chance to, if nothing else, at least see and feel in a concrete way why you're not compatible, so you can then leave the relationship with peace of mind, knowing that you didn't waste an opportunity, and having learned something for the future. But yeah, the thing about children really sounds like a serious misalignment. I think if one partner is even mildly unsure about wanting children, while the other one is very sure about not wanting them, then relying on the premise that the relationship is a long-term one is just not a good idea, because it most likely is not.

I think if he wants that level of commitment from you (jumping head first into a life that you may not like and may find difficult to realistically escape from), then he has to be able to offer you the same level of commitment (making up his mind before you commit to that radical change in your life to be with him, and explicitly abandoning the thought of having children ever). But of course, he has to be actually okay with it. "Playing along just for the sake of not losing you" is no good.

He said who knows what happens that i might get pregnant. Which I really don't want to and will try very hard not to, and he agreed to help me prevent it.

Relying on that option is very strange to me especially since I have deep fears about pregnancy. And trusting him to prevent it when he's rooting for pregnancy is a bit of a far throw. Although he seems like a good guy and I exist too. My difficulty with doctor visits, providing pregnancy tests and contraceptives makes me worried though if it proves I can't rely on him, which I don't really expect. Besides, unless he'd somehow convince me to keep it, I would get an abortion.

Last edited by Rexi on 25 Apr 2021, 10:44 am, edited 3 times in total.

Some further thoughts.

Compatibility may be the wrong question to ask. In this situation, there is mutual physical attraction and a desire to act on it. In my opinion, there is nothing wrong with that. I believe this is the starting point of any relationship even if we have to admit to ourselves that it won't go farther, that's not something to be ashamed about. However when two people mutually desire to be together, with no other agenda than just that, it's a precious and rare thing and shouldn't just be thrown out because there are "issues". Like every relationship has issues.

I think (as I have no documented proof) that on the autism spectrum there's a tendency for people to form a set of fantasies about another person then come to believe those fantasies, so when there's an actual relationship one person thinks they're in love with the fantasy construct rather than the real person. This is not due to deliberate choice, but a way to compensate for deficiencies in theory of mind. I think there are aspects of that here.

Now r00tb33r is American and seems to be a fairly accomplished individual. I am not exactly like him but I think I can understand him both as an American who has mostly benefited from the advantages of having been born in American and a person on the spectrum. It is a common thing for Americans to believe that immigrating to America from most other places (with some exception made for places like Switzerland or Norway) is a goal most people would strive for if they could. Given there is indeed a great deal of "opportunity", there is also a perception that awful things don't happen in America like they do in other countries, or if they do they are quickly remedied once they come to light. As for myself, I have become mentally overwhelmed by how often and how many genuinely awful things have happened, and continue to happen here. Americans have a lot to be proud of, but no reason to believe they have a more enlightened view of the world than somebody in Eastern Europe. I don't think r00tbeer really understands Rexi but he shouldn't stop trying, however it will demand of him that he fully grasp and accept just how different her life is from his and that he needs to respect who she is in that regard. And this of course applies in both directions.

As for polyamory etc., I have occasionally mentioned that in the 70s I was in two relationships with people whom I actually thought of as "girlfriends" as opposed to just people I had gotten involved with. Of those 2, the 2nd would have probably thought of herself as poly had she been aware of the concept, at the same time she really very much wanted to marry me. Although she and I never had a fully frank discussion about that topic, I can't help thinking that the fact I had some awareness but yet didn't leave her might have had something to do with it. So yes, I think I have some understanding of that.

I fundamentally agree with this.

If it's a possibility at all, consider getting something like an IUD.

Well there's also tubal ligation. I don't know which is riskier but tubal ligation seems like a "one and done" sort of solution, sorry if some women may not welcome a man's opinion on this!

EDIT: there may be some cultural aspect to this. I think there is more societal pressure in the US to have kids than there is in Europe.

They are very painful. My mom and sis had them. Monthly injections f**k up hormones, my gyn said he had to treat a lot of women who had it. I need to have a meeting with him or some gyn to further get educated and measurements for a diaphragm as well as condom and pregnancy test brands.

I have some plans:

Short version:
diaphragm [ leave at least 6 hrs after sex, max 24 hrs] + spermicidal lube [6-8 hrs wait before washing; creams and gels are best, sperm advances harder, they dont leak] + spermicide resistant simple condom + oral contraceptive

Long version:
I might deny penetration.
1 the guy pees, for any leftover sperm,
2 washes, to make sure,
3 I get him hard, apply condom,
4 he applies contraceptive gel on my walls which works great with a condom because even if some sperm cells escape at the bottom of the condom, they can't climb through the gel, and it's also a natural gel which doesn't cause itchiness or burns.
5 a diaphragm which is the more effective and comfortable cervix protection, can keep it on for the night to let any potential sperm inside die.
6 the contraceptive pill and make sure not to miss the pill because being off it can make women more fertile than when they haven't been on the pill. Im not very fertile since Polycystic Ovary Syndrome but i'm on treatment [bihormonal contraceptive] that probably fertilizes me.
7 Added to it, not cumming on my lower sex organs despite that we see it in porn, because stuff can swim up.
8 And finally cum outside even if having a condom on because that's the most dangerous time to get pregged. Cum contains an incredible amount of sperm.
Oh, I forgot to mention something I call the 'hand rule'. Basically I will touch you & you will touch me but we aren't allowed to put our hands on ourselves not to contaminate them and take them back to me.



I have been thinking about removing my ovaries and cervix. Seems sure but then my libido will be dropping considerably and I have it lower due to contraceptives already. That would also mean entering menopause. It is not suggested by doctors. Not sure what's the big deal, suppose issues with bones and everything? I will need higher power hormone therapy and possibly special vitamins|minerals?
I also think surgery is extreme and risky. I could have chronic pain and complications.

He is very understanding, he would abstain if I asked him. It's I who wants to have it, I think he is someone special I have feelings for and someone who actually is caring, patient and willing to please. It would be the first time for both of us, I think we would be great. Finally after all these years I think I will have something where I actually am able to consent. And that's beautiful.

Last edited by Rexi on 25 Apr 2021, 11:02 am, edited 3 times in total.

I think Romania is extreme when it comes to expectations of having children. I get asked by everyone when in going to have children and get married and get made fun of by neighbors and children for not being married. The common understanding of life's purpose is to pop children and get married. The mindset, selfishness, faking of emotion and naivity disgusts me.

He isn't like that. If i recall correctly I think he's not that interested in marriage itself but the benefit it brings to a girlfriend from another country to settle down more stable on the country's territory. His goal is to live with me, not marry me.

I'm not okay with the way I've been characterized here.

Last edited by r00tb33r on 25 Apr 2021, 1:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

So what is the problem with tubal ligation? Seems a little less extreme than removing ovaries etc.

This was a misunderstanding, he wasn't talking about children even though that's what I asked, he was talking about his desires to have children changing. Makes sense, it's not something he would have a reason to say.

1 it's surgery, invasive
2 id still go on with everything else that can protect me according to plan
3 it's not fullproof either
4 my preference is to have tube cut and both ends of the tube tied, im not sure if it's doable because of the tube length, otherwise theyd have already done it. I want it irreversible and safe unable to untie itself or the egg travelling through the knot

How have you been characterized? I don’t feel the majority here disdain you.

I, myself, don’t think you’re a bad guy for wanting to get married to Rexi.

It’s just a risky proposition...for both of you.

@r00tb33r: Not sure if you mean anything I said or not, but for what it's worth, I at least have nothing against you or your wishes. It sounds like you're rather "intense" with your propositions, but I've been there myself, including with the idea of marriage for immigration purposes (to me it was just formalities, I was fully committed either way).

Wherever your relationship may be headed, it seems to me like it's mainly a matter of you guys working out what details from each other's side that you might not be being able to see right now from a distance. Including seemingly small things from one's perspective that may turn out to be a huge deal from the other one's perspective in practice, simply because it's the things we take for granted from where we come from that often end up being the ones not even mentioned. It's to be expected that some of those details will go unnoticed and unaddressed no matter what and both will only realize it once the practical commitment has been made, and that's part of where the risk involved stems from.

My 2nd girlfriend very strongly did NOT want to have kids. She had researched methods a bit & discussed things with me. About the only option she was really open to was getting her tubes tired or getting a hysterectomy. She thought everything else might not be effective enough & she was afraid of the potential side-effects of using hormonal birth-control.
My current girlfriend has a birth-control implant in her arm called Nexplanon. It replaced Implanon which she had before that. They are hormonal birth-control but their side-effects & effectiveness might be better than a lot of the hormonal options since they keep a consistent dose in the body, I'm not sure thou. The pills aren't a good idea for her cuz she can have a hard time staying on a consistent schedule with taking meds. The main reason she's on birth-control(we haven't done anything sexual in a LONG time) is actually cuz she can have very irregular & sporadic periods & she would get very depressed & moody around that time. The implants stopped her from having them. She normally has problems with depression & being moody that she's been seeing a psychiatrist for & that time would make it even worse. Meds that can affect hormones can potentially interfere with it thou. She's been on Prednisone for a while now cuz of asthma & allergy problems & she started having sporadic periods after a bit.

Cass wants to have a kid. She had been involved with some programs that worked with kids in her past like helping teach bible study to kids. Various people have told her that she would make a good mom. I never really liked the idea of having kids thou & she knew that when she reached out to me. I did say there was a slight possibility that I might change my mind in the future dependending on how our lives & relationship woulda went but there was also a strong chance that I would not ever really want kids. Cass woulda much rathered have a relationship with a good person that really cared about her & tried his best, than her being a single mom or her being in a bad relationship & having kids with someone who didn't care about her or wasn't that good of a person. Cass has various issues she's dealing with & so do I & she knows logically that she can not handle having a kid rite now at this point in her life. She still wants to have one but accepted that she cant rite now. My point is that just because someone wants kids, it does NOT automatically mean that they will pressure their partner into having them. Cass NEVER pressured me about it & I hopefully never really made her feel pressured into not having them. Relationships are about compromise & being there for & supporting each other. There can be MANY times when a couple won't see eye to eye about something or they know they won't be able to obtain what they really want. In those situations they need to try & figure out what is most important, realistic, & best for them as a couple.

Assuming he isn't waiting for my views and desires to change, he is waiting for his, I recall one time I asked him to provide an answer in a time limit [1month], to really think about it because waiting in uncertainty isn't healthy. It was about whether he can or can't do with the childless choice I made and if he can live with my lifestyle choices. So I would know what to do and which way to go forward. He felt like that was an ultimatum, and I can understand it's not settling and perhaps not a gentle way to proceed. he also is confused and I bet these aren't easy things to figure out. But one thing is certain, figuring out how he can feel fulfilled is very important to us. And views are what actually make that change, and so waiting for views to change is actually smart, but success isn't guaranteed. We don't choose what we believe. One way is to explore this in talks to see if the views change, because through talks there come new realizations. Another way is from life experiences that make people think about it and show the reality of the actual situation instead of imagining it.