Crushing on a guy with Asperger's

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Dazzle, you sound like I am, when
you are off your meds. I can't begrudge
you your own decision, I just have never
seen anyone who maintained what real
spark that they had.

'Tis a painful road to walk, without a cane,
but one which might lead to more valuable
things then doing so assisted.

Peace though.

kek

I'm a bit confused by your references to "Asperger's and Autism"... Asperger's is (one form of) autism, so that's kind of like saying "he's a lion and a big cat" or something similar...

(personally, i don't believe there is actually any meaningful boundary or distinction between AS and "other" types of autism, but that's probably for another thread)

One thing that is absolutely, fundamentally important is that if you have feelings for this guy, there is almost certainly no way he is going to know that unless you clearly, explicitly tell him. Personally, i think that the world would be a far better place if that was the norm for everyone (not just people with AS) when it comes to anything to do with sexual (or indeed any other kind of) relationships, but i'm too cynical to think that's ever going to become the norm any time soon...

With regard to the stuff people are saying about autistic people being "more serious" about relationships, seeing acquaintances as close friends, etc... IMO, there's some truth in that, but it isn't necessarily true 100% of the time... it's certainly been true of me almost throughout my life that every friendship i've ever had has been more important to me than to the other person involved, and friendships/relationships in general rank far higher on my list of things that are most important to me than they seem to do for people for whom they're "easy"...

I think this probably has something to do with the more general tendency for Aspies to attach more importance than NTs do to very specific things, something to do with the tendency which i think is in everyone to attach great importance and emotional investment to the things that you have to constantly struggle to achieve, and possibly something to do with the Aspie tendency towards a particularly strong "loyalty" ethic...

(the love that i have, individually, for every one of my friends (or the people who i count as "true" friends) can be enough to utterly emotionally overwhelm me - i don't expect or even want them to feel the same about me... then again, i only started wanting to have friends at all around puberty, so being a "late developer" might have something to do with it too... from observation, NTs seem to have really emotional, loyal and intense friendships around the age of 14-18, then kind of "grow out" of it, whereas (at least some) Aspies (and, to be fair, some NTs too, but not enough) don't "grow out of it"...)

re the possibility that you might have AS: well, depression is extremely common in people with AS, but it tends to be "reactive" depression rather than "endogenous" (ie it's due to the s#ittiness of living in a world that doesn't accept you for who you are, not due to a chemical imbalance), so it generally isn't treatable with anti-depressants (not to say that no people with AS find anti-depressants helpful, but calandale's reaction to them is more typical of "AS style depression" than yours). Then again, AS is often misdiagnosed as other things including anxiety disorders and bipolar...

It's also possible to be not fully AS, but not fully neurotypical either I've met plenty of people who have or had some AS traits, but not enough to be "diagnosable" (this is particularly common among people with autistic/AS family members), and a rare few (including my best friend) who have the "good" traits both of AS and of neurotypicals, without the negative/"lacking" traits of either (if you are one of the latter, then IMO you are the best kind of friend and/or partner that an AS person can possibly have...) - it is a spectrum (and one which i see as multiple sliding scales rather than a single one), so there are infinite possible positions on it, and syndrome categories are necessarily arbitrary...

Good luck - and once again, remember the single most important thing is clear, explicit communication...

Whatever you do, don't demand or expect an answer instantly.

When a girl (with AS) confessed that she had a crush on me, I panic-ed (panicd?) . I didn't know what to say. I had been hoping for a relationship with her, but was to nervous to try anything. I wasn't expecting her to suddenly tell me she loved me. She wanted me to tell here the same back (or to reject her immediately), but I had no clue what to tell her and just dodged the question for 10 minuets. I felt really pressured to say something, but had no idea what, and really, really didn't want to screw it up by saying something I hadn't thought about. It took me at least a week to sort out my feelings, and talk to her and tell her how I felt.

I want to thank you all again for the help.

I did tell him I was interested a couple nights ago, and he said he is too and wants to go out with me! It took a lot of time to work up the nerve and courage to do this, but I am so glad I did. He is very interested in dating me seriously and I am glad he feels the same way I do. I was thinking this whole thing wouldn't have a very happy ending, and I am so glad I was proven wrong!

Cool. Good luck.

Holy crap!

Our advice actually worked?!?

I guess the broken clock really is right twice a day!

Nah. Collectively, there's a lot of knowledge
here. Some of us are just really weak on
execution.

Awesome!

When I met my boyfriend five years ago, I immediately realized that he was unlike anyone I ever met before. He only spoke when he thought he had something interesting to say, but his mind was so brilliant that we never ran out of anything to talk about. His dry wit made my heart melt, but I was sad that I always felt I liked him more than he liked me. He showed every symptom of love- he wanted to spend all of his spare time with me and he always made sure that everything in his apartment was in the right place when I came over. But, whenever I saw him, he didn't mirror my wide smiles and I thought to myself, "why did you even invite me out?" I can't tell you how many times I wondered, "does he REALLY like me, or is he just too shy to find someone else?" (later on I discoverd that dispite his shyness, he had never actually had a problem finding women to date) When I tried to clear things up by asking, "why do you like me?" he said struggled with expressing himself, so I still worried. He said, "I express my love through actions not words."

As our relationship grew, we became really close. We spent all of our time together and I realized that he really did love me by just thinking about the way he treated me. He always wanted to see me, he always wanted to make sure I was happy, he never once backed out on an obligation, he cared about me deaply, and I always knew that I could trust him to be honest.

When I think about other people's relationships, I see that things change when they become serious. I see other women's new boyfriends fawning over them and saying whatever the woman would like to hear. And then, of course, the boyfriend becomes unable to keep up with the hard work and eventually becomes just himself and not exactly what the woman adapted to. In the case of my boyfried, he just gets better and better. I think his struggle with social skills keeps him honest and unable act in a way that he didn't really feel. The closer we become, the harder he works to keep me happy.

Admittedly, I often have difficutly interpreting him since he doesn't show his feelings as openly as other people; but after recently realizing that he's an aspie, I'm glad to know why that is so that I can be more understanding. The bottom line is that he is a brilliant, honest, witty and loving man who I would absolutely love to stay with forever!

why you didn't mention his condition in the other forum?

I just posted one and then added to it when I saw that it was a response that I wanted in another forum too.

DazzleKitty: If your mom spotted this dude as an aspie, I'm sure she would have told you long ago if she had suspicions of that sort of yourself. You don't have Asperger's until proven otherwise . Keen interests and being socially akward do not qualify you as an aspie. You need a certain brain wiring to go with that.

B.t.w. it's not one or the other with autism/Asperger's: Asperger's is on the autism spectrum, it is just high functioning.

If this guy has Asperger's, you will probably be suprised how much he likes you, if he is hanging out with you. If you want to date him, you must tell him that, 'cause he needs to be told the rules of dating. That includes your uncomfortableness with the flirting, you need to tell him about it, tell him that it bothers you. He probably has no idea what the effect is on you or anyone else, and it probably (unless the girls are reacting to it really positively) is not doing his own image much good.

You are amazing by loving an aspie! I hope it works out, and keep us up to date. If all else fails, trust that he cares for you, 'cause he won't be showing it that often unless you teach him what you need. It's all about training. We make very, very good partners 'cause we'll never dump you, we are fiercely loyal, we love from deep, deep within, it is a very special attachment. I can't say enough that you must believe this, otherwise you will struggle being with this guy. I promise you: he cares for you, at least as a friend. And if he doesn't love you and want to have a relationship with you, he will tell you in all honestly. Now THAT makes for a great guy, wish all NT's could learn that...

All the best.

hah you posted a link to a my little poney forum. and i know for a fact i have people attachments. some of them are a little bizzare