What I "want" and the idea of "settling".
13 Oct 2021, 4:53 pm
The Grand Inquisitor wrote:
AquaineBay wrote:
What I "want" and the idea not to "settle" for somebody. I see this way too often in today's world. Why do people have all these criteria for getting in relationships or marriage(some of which in the long-term doesn't even matter)? Funnily enough everyone says what they "want" regarding relationship and marriage but, they never ask or think to themselves what the person that they "want" would want from them and can they offer that to said person.
People are going to have higher standards for what they want in a life partner than for any other kind of relationship, because assuming you're monogamous like the majority, you only get one life partner, where you can have many friends and family members. Moreover, your significant other is meant to be your most important relationship, so setting the bar higher than with any other relationship makes sense.
How do you purport to know what other people are thinking? While it's true that some individuals on the spectrum are going to have a harder time understanding or be less prone to thinking about the needs and wants of others because of mind blindness, you can't assume you know what's going on in other people's heads. Just because someone's more focused on talking about their needs and wants from a relationship (pretty much everyone is this way) doesn't mean they're not also considering the needs and wants of people they're trying to attract.
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Could it be possible that too many choices is a bad thing or that the freedom to choose who you want is a bad thing?
Depends who you are. The winners of abundant choice will be people who have been given a greater chance of finding someone they really like. The losers will be people who never get chosen as a result of not measuring up to the other options available.
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And then there is "settling". Settle: definition; To resolve or reach an agreement about(argument or problem). In the context of relationships to settle should be to realize that you WILL NOT get what you "want" in a person(If you get at least 50% or above you are pretty lucky!) and that the person you chose even though they didn't fit what you wanted you accept that and find ways to make it work and love each other regardless of the differences. Settling is not about resenting that you didn't get what you want and now you are unhappy and bitter because this is the truth about relarionships
Settling could be interpreted to mean dating someone who doesn't meet 100% of your preferences, but generally in the context of dating, settling means dating someone you're not really satisfied with, because of a lack of other prospects available to you.
Getting with someone whom you're happy with overall but wish they were different in a handful of ways is completely different to getting with someone you're dissatisfied with due to a lack of other options.
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a husband or wife(boyfriend or girlfriend) job is not to make YOU happy, that is your job! If you look across the entire world, in relationships the husband protects and provides and the wife supports the husband and brings him peace(this is traditional but, there are other ways to make a relationship work). No where in there did it say that either one of them is suppose to make YOU happy!
Sure, seeking out happiness is an individual's responsibility, but for the majority of us, part of that means finding a romantic partner, or at the very least positive romantic and/or sexual experiences. People who very much long for romance and romantic experiences and never get to have them are often deeply unhappy/depressed about their lack of romantic and sexual fulfilment. It's not about having someone to satisfy your every whim to make you happy, but rather having that special connection in and of itself.
Humans are social creatures, so it would be foolish to think that most people can derive happiness in complete isolation, and romantic relationships are an essential part of the human experience. We're biologically programmed to want to perpetuate the species, and that translates into an intense desire to find a mate. A long-standing inability to do so often seems to be punished dearly through intense negative emotions.
Just because finding happiness is an individual's responsibility, doesn't mean that the individual necessarily has the means to do so. Happiness can be dependent on variables that are largely outside of the individual's control. Based on what I've seen and experienced, a chronic inability to find a romantic partner seems to lead to intense depression and even suicidal thoughts in a significant number of people faced with this situation, sometimes to such an extent that no other consolation prizes that life can throw their way will be enough to overshadow the romantic and sexual void they're forced reckon with. So if an individual's happiness in large part depends on their ability to have romantic and sexual experiences with a partner they're satisfied with, and they're in the most unfortunate position of being unable to have those experiences, why would they want to face a world that plasters reminders of others' romantic success all over the place?
Sure, an individual's happiness is their responsibility, but if achieving happiness is outside of their control, finger wagging and telling them that it's their fault that they can't be happy when it isn't, or telling them to pull themselves up by their bootstraps when they don't have the means to do so is nothing but patronising.
I didn't say I knew what is going on in everyone's head nor would I condone telling another to "pull themselves by the bootstraps" for absolutely no reason. Happiness is an emotion and a mindset, no one but you can control your emotions and your mindset. If you are at a place in your life where the only way you can get fulfillment and happiness in life is with a date or relationship and NO other thing matters in your life than a therapist/counseling is what you need not a relationship. A mindset like that will externalize itself eventually even if you got into a relationship or might be preventing you("you" meaning anyone in general) from getting into a relationship to begin with because people can feel that coming from you.
I'm looking at statistics of singles, dating profiles, what people say, and videos dealing with dating. I would say many do not think about what the other person wants when they talk about what they want in a relationship.
When I see the term "settling" used in context of relationships most of the time it is used when said person is not happy with the prospects that they have and want something else(or more) even though they had people to choose from. A person who has no prospects or one person willing to date them aren't really in a position to really think about "settling" because it's either that person or be alone(but that is an extreme case). In general people have the option to choose who they want to date and have a relationship with. And just because you don't have a partner doesn't mean you are completely isolated, you still have friends and family among yourself to fulfill your "social needs" as a human.
By the way when I said house when I was describing what a woman would want from me I didn't literally mean just a house. I meant any place that you are staying currently that isn't your parents home(and even then if you are independent enough that might not matter either).
_________________
Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."
13 Oct 2021, 5:24 pm
hurtloam wrote:
I'm just thinking there's one person I would have settled for. He had his head screwed on right. He was a positive influence. But something was missing. I'm not sure what. We hung out together a lot, we had a low level romantic interest, but it didn't go anywhere and he met someone else. I never saw it as a huge loss because we were never "in love". But I guess that's the kind of person OP is saying we could settle with and be happy.
However, those people are hard to find. Everyone I've been entangled with other than him has hurt me, detracted from my life and dragged me down mentally and emotionally.
As hard as it is to find romance, it's harder to meet a generally decent man who won't be a burden. They just use you as a time filler until they find what they really want.
However, those people are hard to find. Everyone I've been entangled with other than him has hurt me, detracted from my life and dragged me down mentally and emotionally.
As hard as it is to find romance, it's harder to meet a generally decent man who won't be a burden. They just use you as a time filler until they find what they really want.
Yeah, that's pretty much what I'm saying. Not every relationship people had was instant love and that love was super strong and lasted forever. For some it was like a low flame, not burning passion but, just a sizzling fire that stood the tests of time and struggles. For you it could be possible that is what you might be after, maybe not I don't know you personally. I'm just saying that it seems that "chemistry" and the fun of having sex seems to be more important these days than it is to set down some roots and have a family. I am sorry that others in your life have hurt you and dragged you down but, I wouldn't give up on finding love(whatever that may be) even if that love may not be firecrackers and explosions of ecstasy.
_________________
Autism is a disorder not a personality trait!
"God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
and Wisdom to know the difference."
