Here's the problem

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^ Also shall we remind everyone that we have a finite life.

This is true as well.

I'd imagine in most cases with the "friends first" scenario, it'll take a lot longer to find out whether the person you're interacting with would even entertain the idea of dating you, let alone whether they're compatible.

In a dating scenario, you'll know very quickly one way or the other whether the other party has any interest. If they don't, you can also move on more quickly to the next person without having to undertake the development of another solid friendship that may also only ever stay a friendship.

A more accurate assessment is that “a lot” of men are looking for some mixture of both — a long-term, committed relationship that includes “casual” sex on demand.

I know of no man who would not appreciate a long-term partner who anticipates his spurious desires and willingly meets them without being told or asked.

At this point there's no escaping reality; if it was possible for any woman to love me or find me desirable, something would have happened by now. The truth is I'm just undesirable and unlovable to women.

In seriously thinking about ending my life, as there's just nothing left for me.

You're using the term "casual sex" in a different sense than I did. By "casual sex" I specifically meant sex outside the context of a committed relationship. You apparently are using that term to mean something else, like maybe "frequent unscheduled sex"?

What about the converse?
Are your standards too high?

Not necessarily. You live in the Bible Belt boonies, after all. I think you would have had much better luck if you lived in a major metro area.

Since you don't and currently can't afford to live in a major metro area, I think you might improve your luck by somehow getting involved in some larger national or regional subculture containing women with a greater-than-average likelihood of being interested in you.

I've made specific suggestions along these lines in other threads. You completely ignored them.

And the biological "clock" of the woman, assuming she is interested in starting a family.

There are women who are divorced with children out there. The trouble seems to be that many men are only interested in the younger ones without.
Once again, consider the double standards.

Last edited by Pepe on 07 Mar 2022, 4:35 am, edited 1 time in total.

Also, people have started off being friends online and later met in RL to further the relationship.
You don't have to be in the city to do that.
The commute might be worth it.

I liked the flat white Converse...

...when I was a teen.

That's assuming it's possible, in the first place, for both you and the other person to decide quickly whether one has any interest. A lot of women -- and some men -- are what's now called "demi-sexual," which makes quick decisions impossible. For "demi-sexuals," the slowness of the friends-first approach is a feature, not a bug.


Right.

So, in order for a friends-first approach to have a reasonable chance of working well, you have to have lots of friends, or at least lots of acquaintances. Thus a friends-first approach is most likely to work well in the context of an organized group or subculture of some kind, where a lot of people see each other at least semi-regularly, e.g. a religious group, a charity, an organized fandom or other hobby-oriented scene, or a political activist group. And the group would need to include, or at least potentially include, a reasonable number of people in the demographic categories you are interested in.

Of course, having such an active social life can be especially difficult for autistic people.

It is most likely to work well if you are dedicated to the actual larger purposes of the group, not just using the group as a place to find friends and/or sexual/romantic partners. Also, the group doesn't need to meet in-person all the time, although it's desirable to have at least some in-person meetings.

Sorry, I should have been clearer. I meant interest in continuing to see each other and an openness for a relationship to develop. Even just somebody deciding that they'd like to go on a second date is a win in terms of validation for people who never get that far. Often times those of us who end up chronically single develop a deeply embedded feeling that nobody would even consider dating us. Having that challenged is important. If we feel like there's no chance of success, we're generally not too quick to try anything. I think It's why suggestions of new ways to try meeting people and different approaches often fall on deaf ears amongst those of us who've made it well into adulthood without ever once having a real romantic or sexual partner.




And that's the challenge. For most of us who end up years into adulthood with no relationship experience, the primary interest is in having those experiences we've been missing out on. We've wanted to experience intimacy, romance or sex for so long and that's taken its toll, and we already feel so far behind, so we're not particularly patient about it.

Moreover, in my case, having no relationship experience makes me feel alienated from most people; by default a low-status individual in most social groups I find myself in, who lacks important experience and has missed pivotal milestones that the vast majority have not. On top of that, whose social skills have lagged behind on account of autism. That's not an ideal way to feel when trying to make new friends, and I'm sure I'm not the only one who harbours those feelings.

It is because of all of this that I think it's important to find a way to address the feelings of inadequacy. Once one feels secure in their ability to find people who'd consider going on a date with them, the focus can redirect from reckoning with feeling unable to attract a partner, to utilising all available avenues to find a partner.

Last edited by The Grand Inquisitor on 07 Mar 2022, 8:01 am, edited 1 time in total.

I may live in the Bible Belt, but I live in a large metro area close to a major university.

The problem with the friends first approach is that at this point in my life its a huge gamble. I've tried it many times in the past only for it to go nowhere. And now that I'm 40 I can no longer afford to invest years of my life waiting for a change of heart from a woman that will likely never happen.

The problem with the subcultures you keep suggesting is that all the women in those are married or in committed relationships. I have been involved in many and know this from personal experience. For example, I have been heavily involved in the field of special education for a number of years. Between working as a substitute and an aide I've worked in most of the schools in my area. I've also met mostly women in my grad school classes. I've met a hundreds of women in the field; and not one of them is single.

Besides, as I've said already, I'm too old at this point anyway.

Last edited by dorkseid on 07 Mar 2022, 8:42 am, edited 1 time in total.

I'm perfectly fine with women who have children that are still little. What I don't want is someone whose already had all the kids she's going to and they're already in high school or college.

There are plenty of women in their 40s who have young kids.

Why can't you derive enjoyment from aspects of life separate from the Romantic----like seeing the smiling face of a kid whom you teach....whom you are providing enjoyment for.....who is lonely and reaching out for you.....who needs your caring in order to be happy.

Being in a romantic relationship----and sex----ain't what it's cut out to be. They're nice....but they're not nearly the totality of Life.

I hope, once you actually find love, that you don't experience anticlimax.

Last edited by kraftiekortie on 07 Mar 2022, 8:25 am, edited 1 time in total.

Sex without a Captcha.