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How can I form a real romantic relationship?

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kraftiekortie
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05 Jan 2023, 12:31 pm

The hormones, receptors, whatever just provide the basic framework/impetus for romance.

We humans have to provide the substance.



JimJohn
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05 Jan 2023, 2:41 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The hormones, receptors, whatever just provide the basic framework/impetus for romance.

We humans have to provide the substance.


That sounds romantic. I am well aware of all of the love affairs of the century. Anything, I write takes me away from my original point.

People can glean whatever they want from such things, or glean nothing. I imagine sometimes that could be due to cognitive dissonance or confirmation bias.

I didn’t say it was simple, or that someone should think this way or that way. That would fall on other people.



MissMary227
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05 Jan 2023, 8:55 pm

klanka wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
Mona Pereth wrote:
MissMary227 wrote:
I can relate to the difficulty in having a romantic relationship. Except for me love never even gets out of the starting gate. Or if it does the horse goes lame on the first sprint. I never even get the change to reject others.

Since you frequently mention your religious beliefs, I have a question: Do you attend a large (or large-ish) church?

If so, have you asked the pastor to consider starting a support group for adult members of the congregation who are on the autism spectrum?

Might be a good way to make some more friends, possibly including a potential mate, given that autistic men seem to outnumber outnumber autistic women.


Thank you for your interest. I doubt my pastor would do that. The church is so large they already have lots of small groups in place and most people around here aren't even aware they are autistic...unless they are school-age children and have been identified in the system.

Plus, like I said, I am pretty sure I already met my SM and was rejected by him. So why keep trying? I gave up trying last year. I think this is reasonable considering I tried really hard for 12 years to find a mate/have a relationship.


I had trouble in that area. I thought God said to me that my relationship with him would mirror my relationship with women. So, I used to do nothing but Christian activities..which didnt work as that was trying to live by works.
Then I stopped worshipping in my spare time and hardly prayed when I was relying on faith.
Now I pray and worship in my spare time each day, but also do other stuff for myself and now I have a good relationship with a woman.


That is awesome on all counts. Congratulations!


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MaxE
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08 Jan 2023, 3:47 pm

I've said before that falling in love is basically just a strong urge to have sex with a specific person, ideally this sentiment is mutual. Romance novels after all are just erotic literature aimed at women. However, where this leads long-term depends on a great deal. In my experience, either you'll eventually move on to another romantic fling or you'll settle down for the long term. If you can enjoy a physical relationship with somebody then don't question it. At some point, you may want to "settle down" and possibly even start a family. That should be romantic enough for anybody. I am not convinced about the whole soulmate thing anyway, I mean if you want to engage in some sort of role-playing in which you pretend you are a Disney Princess and he is the swashbuckling hero that rescues you, and that gives you mind-blowing orgasms, good for you. You're really not going to do better than that.

As for long-term, possibly life-long relationships, I have said before that arranged marriage is highly underrated. If two people are truly committed to making a marriage work, the odds are very much in their favor.


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Nyx001
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09 Jan 2023, 12:20 am

I've had some trouble getting into serious relationships. Not for lack of trying, but either finding the wrong people (I'm sure I've dated multiple narcissists, and I'm not just needlessly throwing that word out there...) or it being the wrong time. I've also felt that most men I've dated were more dating to make themselves feel better (especially the separated or divorced ones), but without really considering whether or not we were truly compatible. But I also would get too concerned about their view of me, too worried about doing the wrong thing, frustrated at the things I didn't understand but trying desperately to understand, while making it look like I wasn't clueless... concerned about whether or not they really liked and accepted me that I would forget to think about if I actually REALLY liked them. I was quite naive for a long time (and probably still am to a degree) and had some issues with setting firm boundaries. I wouldn't say I let people walk all over me, but was definitely too agreeable. I felt like I couldn't be myself with most of them. And the majority of my dating life has felt like me being picked and them calling all the shots, but not feeling confident enough to have a say in what I really wanted. I mean I did initiate things with two exes but that took a while because my type is typically the shy nerdy guy... My CAT-Q score is 137.



Mona Pereth
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09 Jan 2023, 1:18 pm

MaxE wrote:
I am not convinced about the whole soulmate thing anyway.

Me neither.

I would say that there are people who are, to one degree or another, "kindred souls," and a lucky person will find one or more of their "kindred souls," but I don't believe in predestined, uniquely-assigned "soul mates."


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UncannyDanny
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09 Jan 2023, 1:33 pm

I pretty much keep asking myself the very same question for about a decade, Miss Werewolf. :|



Dengashinobi
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09 Jan 2023, 4:24 pm

MaxE wrote:

As for long-term, possibly life-long relationships, I have said before that arranged marriage is highly underrated. If two people are truly committed to making a marriage work, the odds are very much in their favor.


I agree. It's not only about how you feel and if you connect, it's also about the institution of marriege itself. The place where people get born and raised. This I'm afraid has become a foreign concept in many western societies. They place the needs of the individual first and then people are wandering why they get divorced. Not saying that feelings and emotional connection is not important, I'm just saying that marriage is an institution and it needs a specific mindset when entering it.



Muse933277
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10 Jan 2023, 1:56 am

I got 104 lol.



JimJohn
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11 Jan 2023, 1:10 pm

MaxE wrote:
I've said before that falling in love is basically just a strong urge to have sex with a specific person, ideally this sentiment is mutual. Romance novels after all are just erotic literature aimed at women. However, where this leads long-term depends on a great deal. In my experience, either you'll eventually move on to another romantic fling or you'll settle down for the long term. If you can enjoy a physical relationship with somebody then don't question it. At some point, you may want to "settle down" and possibly even start a family. That should be romantic enough for anybody. I am not convinced about the whole soulmate thing anyway, I mean if you want to engage in some sort of role-playing in which you pretend you are a Disney Princess and he is the swashbuckling hero that rescues you, and that gives you mind-blowing orgasms, good for you. You're really not going to do better than that.

As for long-term, possibly life-long relationships, I have said before that arranged marriage is highly underrated. If two people are truly committed to making a marriage work, the odds are very much in their favor.


That was eloquent. The myth of the soul mate in the original red pill terminology was called "oneitis". There are basically 6 billion people on the planet. So, the theory goes that the chances are you would never meet your soulmate unless it was online which is also ridiculous. I only bring it up because some of the red terminology was useful for remembering concepts that had some merit. Not all of them had merit, but perhaps people with average intelligence can decide such things for themselves. It is also nice to flesh out a feeling or a hunch with another person's argument or facts.



Werewolf1061C
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18 Jan 2023, 6:38 pm

MissMary227 wrote:
Werewolf1061C wrote:
Here is a link https://embrace-autism.com/cat-q/

I am sorry to hear that you struggle with this also. A lot of neurotypical people do seem to have trouble with this too, so in that way we are not so alone.


Oh thanks! I found it and took it rather quickly before work here and got a 115. I think it wasn't higher because at my age, I really don't care as much anymore if people think I am weird, but I still go out of my way to want to present a nice front. Ya know?

Also, there are other ways I mask I think that are more involved.

~Peace


That is interesting. Can you expand on that? I also mask in complicated ways at times.



Werewolf1061C
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18 Jan 2023, 6:40 pm

Mona Pereth wrote:
MaxE wrote:
I am not convinced about the whole soulmate thing anyway.

Me neither.

I would say that there are people who are, to one degree or another, "kindred souls," and a lucky person will find one or more of their "kindred souls," but I don't believe in predestined, uniquely-assigned "soul mates."


This makes sense. I imagine that the better someone is at becoming compatible with other people, the more possible matches they have.



Werewolf1061C
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18 Jan 2023, 6:41 pm

kraftiekortie wrote:
The hormones, receptors, whatever just provide the basic framework/impetus for romance.

We humans have to provide the substance.



Yes this makes a lot of sense.



Werewolf1061C
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18 Jan 2023, 6:44 pm

MaxE wrote:
I've said before that falling in love is basically just a strong urge to have sex with a specific person, ideally this sentiment is mutual. Romance novels after all are just erotic literature aimed at women. However, where this leads long-term depends on a great deal. In my experience, either you'll eventually move on to another romantic fling or you'll settle down for the long term. If you can enjoy a physical relationship with somebody then don't question it. At some point, you may want to "settle down" and possibly even start a family. That should be romantic enough for anybody. I am not convinced about the whole soulmate thing anyway, I mean if you want to engage in some sort of role-playing in which you pretend you are a Disney Princess and he is the swashbuckling hero that rescues you, and that gives you mind-blowing orgasms, good for you. You're really not going to do better than that.

As for long-term, possibly life-long relationships, I have said before that arranged marriage is highly underrated. If two people are truly committed to making a marriage work, the odds are very much in their favor.


This reminds me of that scene in Fiddler on the Roof where the man asks his wife if she loves him, and she cannot answer because she has never asked herself that question, but eventually concludes that having shared a life with him for decades is the same as love. I think that she is right. In many ways, love is trust plus time.



Werewolf1061C
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18 Jan 2023, 6:47 pm

Nyx001 wrote:
I've had some trouble getting into serious relationships. Not for lack of trying, but either finding the wrong people (I'm sure I've dated multiple narcissists, and I'm not just needlessly throwing that word out there...) or it being the wrong time. I've also felt that most men I've dated were more dating to make themselves feel better (especially the separated or divorced ones), but without really considering whether or not we were truly compatible. But I also would get too concerned about their view of me, too worried about doing the wrong thing, frustrated at the things I didn't understand but trying desperately to understand, while making it look like I wasn't clueless... concerned about whether or not they really liked and accepted me that I would forget to think about if I actually REALLY liked them. I was quite naive for a long time (and probably still am to a degree) and had some issues with setting firm boundaries. I wouldn't say I let people walk all over me, but was definitely too agreeable. I felt like I couldn't be myself with most of them. And the majority of my dating life has felt like me being picked and them calling all the shots, but not feeling confident enough to have a say in what I really wanted. I mean I did initiate things with two exes but that took a while because my type is typically the shy nerdy guy... My CAT-Q score is 137.


I also struggle to set boundaries in friendships and relationships. I wonder if there is a correlation between a high CAT-Q score and difficulty in standing up for ourselves, or second-guessing ourselves when we should trust our intuition. Maybe because such a big part of masking is showing people what they want to see, or telling them what they want to hear.



Werewolf1061C
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18 Jan 2023, 6:53 pm

JimJohn wrote:
I enjoyed that link. I got a 140.

In regards to romance, supposedly human nature involves a couple meeting and becoming infatuated with each other long enough to get a child out of diapers.

I don’t see how anyone analyzes the situation not based on that.

I can see how some people have a fear of losing themselves in that and override their programming to prevent that.

I imagine as a female that could include not allowing the male to stick around. I imagine the infatuation is easier to overcome in neurodiverse people.

I imagine the fact that I write such a post as this one is compensation and masking.

In regards to neurotypical people masking, imagine the masking that psychopaths must go through. I imagine a difference between masking of a neurotypical and an autistic is the effort involved. Neurotypical people obviously try to conform. There is obviously a self aware component.

Someone taking the test in the link would score higher depending on how self aware they are. It seems to focus on conscious effort.

Maybe I am just missing the boat on this. It is kinda funny but if I post a qualifier like this last paragraph it makes my posts unintelligible. What power I hold sway over the masses! Ha, Ha.


That's exactly how I see romantic love. I don't see it as something that is likely to last forever. It is mainly a biological mechanism to maximize the number of surviving offspring a person can have. I find it difficult to trust that.

As to your point about psychopaths, I think about that too sometimes, how hard it must be for them to mask. If someone realizes I am autistic they might label me as weird or even deny me an opportunity, but it will not likely cause them to see me as a realistic threat to their safety. And it is easier to mask when you are capable of empathy. They must feel really lonely. Or do they have feelings like loneliness? I don't really understand them.