06 Jan 2023, 9:02 am
kitesandtrainsandcats wrote:
Quote:
Could this be an Autism-thing?
Absolutely could be. Might also be other and/or additional factors in play.
Is very difficult to make a determination without having years of experience knowing him.
Hey, thank you for your long and personal answer and sorry about your CF-syndrome!
Yes, it could be all those things you mention, overload and a simple way of showing love differently. But how?
Anyway greetings from the other side of the Atlantic to your midwestern farm burg.
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nick007
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06 Jan 2023, 8:36 pm
I cant speek for other autistics cuz my personality within a romantic relationship is kinda opposit of the stereotypical Aspie guy. I'm clingy, needy, & very affectionate with my romantic partners but I'm kinda the opposit way with everyone else. I miss my partners quite a lot when we're not together in person. It's a major reason I screwed up my 1st two relationships, they were mostly long distance & I hated being away from them & acted out 
Autistics can vary quite a lot with this & I wonder why some want to stay in relationships when their partner needs to fit in the Aspie's scedule.
FleaOfTheChill
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06 Jan 2023, 11:05 pm
06 Jan 2023, 11:32 pm
Rexi
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06 Jan 2023, 11:47 pm
Quote:
Hm, I think in a relationship emotional needs should get largely fulfilled. But maybe I have such needs that he cannot fulfill.
I'm glad you said that because it's very accurate. Some people don't have interest in relationships but like to be in them. I'm on the spectrum but highly opposite to my distant and emotionally non present exes.
Call it selfishness, you're practically someone they will have once they remember you exist, regardless of their word. Sad but true. Moon to Earth difference of personalities and needs. They can't be bothered to connect until their stuff is sorted (hyperfocus) and brain says so (executive dysfunction, the root of the worst autistic curses). This lack of prioritizing a s\o is the death of relationships, because prioritizing and intimacy are the basis.
Some have other mental issues on top of autistic so it complicates things in relationships, with liking affection, intimacy and enjoyment, emotions and empathy. Regardless, pitying an autistic person is very counter productive and a great barrier to success because you should not be over involving yourself in meeting the gaps, it destroys you more, and in case it's not obvious you're very important in your relationship.
For example I have a dysfunction to connecting with my partner and I have to work hard to achieve it. It's frustrating but it pushes me to need more time with my s\o before the intimacy is achieved. I'm also not interested in sex as much as emotional stuff, a mix of things including significant trauma in my childhood and later in many relationships. Took me a long time to realize it.
When we're talking about someone expressing to someone else they're 'clingy' we're talking about a position of superiority. There are varying degrees of needs. Commonly people fall in love and get intense. Narcs, antisocials etc. won't understand this fact when explained, for example. You would not be having your own needs or personality in their view, and they could not accept they're flawed because it would severely complicate their view of themselves due to deep insecurities, so you must be the wrong one (for them). Self preservation, mechanism of reaction\adaptation.
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Rexi
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07 Jan 2023, 12:32 am
IsabellaLinton wrote:
FleaOfTheChill wrote:
Could it be autism? Yeah. It could be.
I'm going to ramble about myself for a minute here.
I don't miss people when they aren't around. It's nothing personal against them, I need a lot of alone time is all. I also don't handle things like travel well. Reading your original post, my thought was only a few days? I would have needed a week minimum after three weeks of being gone before I would have had it in me to see anyone.
If you gathered my ex's up in a room and asked them to make a list of things that I did that made them nuts, acting like I didn't miss them would be on that list. I'm pretty good (more like awful) about making people feel like I don't care about them when the reality is that I do. My ways of showing care don't seem to resonate and while I might be thinking all is fine and well, my partners are feeling hurt and alone and I'm left clueless...until they hit the straw that broke the camels back moment and are blowing up at me and there I sit, confused, wondering what just happened. I do things to show I care, but there's a lot I don't do that they expect. Unless I'm told what they expect, things like that don't occur to me. Yes, I am that stupid in relationships. I am that person who thinks, "I'm fine" really means I'm fine when everyone else in the room knows it means the opposite. It sucks. I hate it that I've accidentally hurt people who have meant the world to me.
So, I have to ask... does he know that this is a problem for you? Does he know he is making you feel like you don't matter to him? I have to gently remind here that he is not a mind reader. If you've had this conversation a million times before and he keeps ignoring you, run. Leave now. At that point it's not an autism thing...it's a him being a jerk thing. I like to remind myself that just because I have an asd, it doesn't give me free reign to be an a$$. This applies to all of us on the spectrum, imho.
If you never told him, talk to him. Figure out a way you two can meet in the middle if meeting on your terms is too much for him. Compromise. He can give here to. I'm not saying it's all on you, because it sooo shouldn't be. But you should try to give some as well. If he's good to you in so many other ways, why is this one thing so huge? Is it really a deal breaker to you? Can you bend a little here or is that too much? It might be a good idea to get that sorted out.
I dunno. I feel like I'm rambling now. Anyway, I do wish you well in this. Relationship issues suck. I hope you two can find some resolution sooner than later. In the meantime, I hope you can find some ways to take care of you. Good luck with the talk you have when you are able. And for the record, I say good on you for taking all the time you need before having this talk. Tough conversations are just that...tough. I wish more people would step back and wait until the metaphorical dust has settled before trying to have one.
I'm going to ramble about myself for a minute here.
I don't miss people when they aren't around. It's nothing personal against them, I need a lot of alone time is all. I also don't handle things like travel well. Reading your original post, my thought was only a few days? I would have needed a week minimum after three weeks of being gone before I would have had it in me to see anyone.
If you gathered my ex's up in a room and asked them to make a list of things that I did that made them nuts, acting like I didn't miss them would be on that list. I'm pretty good (more like awful) about making people feel like I don't care about them when the reality is that I do. My ways of showing care don't seem to resonate and while I might be thinking all is fine and well, my partners are feeling hurt and alone and I'm left clueless...until they hit the straw that broke the camels back moment and are blowing up at me and there I sit, confused, wondering what just happened. I do things to show I care, but there's a lot I don't do that they expect. Unless I'm told what they expect, things like that don't occur to me. Yes, I am that stupid in relationships. I am that person who thinks, "I'm fine" really means I'm fine when everyone else in the room knows it means the opposite. It sucks. I hate it that I've accidentally hurt people who have meant the world to me.
So, I have to ask... does he know that this is a problem for you? Does he know he is making you feel like you don't matter to him? I have to gently remind here that he is not a mind reader. If you've had this conversation a million times before and he keeps ignoring you, run. Leave now. At that point it's not an autism thing...it's a him being a jerk thing. I like to remind myself that just because I have an asd, it doesn't give me free reign to be an a$$. This applies to all of us on the spectrum, imho.
If you never told him, talk to him. Figure out a way you two can meet in the middle if meeting on your terms is too much for him. Compromise. He can give here to. I'm not saying it's all on you, because it sooo shouldn't be. But you should try to give some as well. If he's good to you in so many other ways, why is this one thing so huge? Is it really a deal breaker to you? Can you bend a little here or is that too much? It might be a good idea to get that sorted out.
I dunno. I feel like I'm rambling now. Anyway, I do wish you well in this. Relationship issues suck. I hope you two can find some resolution sooner than later. In the meantime, I hope you can find some ways to take care of you. Good luck with the talk you have when you are able. And for the record, I say good on you for taking all the time you need before having this talk. Tough conversations are just that...tough. I wish more people would step back and wait until the metaphorical dust has settled before trying to have one.
This is golden.
I couldn’t have written it better about my own experience. My partner had to learn through trial and error that I can only give the most I can give. When I’m with him we spend quality time for 3-4 days and I’m fully present in terms of my devotion and and focus. Push beyond that, or don’t give me downtime in between, and I’m checked out in another world wanting to be alone. He even had to get new curtains, detergents, bedding and seating for me because of my sensory issues.
All of this takes tremendous levels of commitment but more importantly communication. My partner had to learn to feel confident in those times apart, and fill his time in his own way because I don’t ever want to be someone’s entire world. I know my limits. If I hadn’t told him and listened to his feelings with empathy I would have been living a lie and only part-ways interested in / capable of staying with him. It couldn’t be all about me and my needs because that’s not fair either, so that’s why I reiterate about communication, trial and error.
We had some extremely difficult times when he thought I didn’t love him because he couldn’t read my emotions. We went so far as to do nearly six months of therapy to improve our communication and define our mutual needs. He initiated that, rather than throw in the towel and give up on me. It helped us grow as individuals but also together.
I think if this relationship is really important to you BOTH, you’ll manage to find a groove that works through empathy and communication.
I would like to add to this I think is important to state some people just can't do it. Their mental health will severely suffer from trying and they will fail regardless of how much they worked for it.
_________________
My Pepe Le Skunk. I have so much faith in our love for one another. Thanks for being an amazing partner.
x Any topic, PM me; mind my profile.
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