Being free of problems before dating?

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When I was single LOTS of people told me that I needed to fix myself before I was ready for a relationship. The thing is I had been trying to work on myself in various ways but I was majorly stuck in a rut due to crummy life circumstances. Some of the ways others wanted me to improve were things that were practically impossible for a disabled person like me; like being gainfully employed, working 15 hours of overtime a week at my minimum-wage jobs when I was allowed to did NOT count as gainful employment to them

I get what your saying but my experience is the opposite. I was better able to deal with my relationship baggage after I got in my current relationship. I LOVE needy dependent women. They tend to be more relatable, understanding, & sympathetic of my issues. I can also use my bad experiences as a way of connecting & helping them. I can turn my bad experiences into positives. I'm a much better person in my current relationship than I ever was single & I like the person I am instead of constantly feeling like a loser because it's impossible for me to measure up to others. Me & my girlfriend were having a serious conversation last night & she made the comment about how I changed in lots of ways after we moved in together 10 years ago. I'm more independent & outgoing on my own than I ever was during 30 years I lived with my parents. Some of that is because I cant drive & my parents live in a ruralish area with no viable public transportation system & nothing within a decent walking distance. Lots of the various progress I've made in the last 10 years came as a result of me trying to work on myself. Being in a better environment & having someone there for me who I could turn to helped give me the support & encouragement that I needed to better manage things. I readily admit that things are very difficult for the both of us sometimes(or lots of times) but things would probably be more difficult if we were both single & didn't have each other.

That's really sweet, Nick. I'm glad things are going so well for you.

In my case I just won't let myself be dependent on anyone (financially or emotionally).
It's a trauma response but I know it won't change.
My problems are usually so big they scare people away anyway.
If I don't have a handle on them, I end up hurting the other person.
I'd never want to do that.

I've grown a lot with my partner too -- more than I thought possible.
Part of it is from his support and example.
Part of it is just from managing a healthy relationship for my first time ever.
That has been really scary unto itself because I didn't know how to trust.

The rest of the growth has been me, doing a deep dive into my trauma.
I've worked extraordinarily hard to understand and better myself.
I know if we split up (which is always on the table unf), I'll be OK on my own.

Thanx. I'm glad things are going a lot better for you as well

I guess in my case I don't know how to not be dependent in some(OK lots) of ways. It's just not in the cards for me & I accept that but I also know that I can make lots of progress but I try to be realistic. My issues tend to scare most others away as well. It was extremely difficult for me to find someone who wasn't scared away & willing to give me a real chance & try to meet me halfway. My issues majorly contributed to me screwing up my 1st two relationships & I still hate myself for hurting them. I know I will always feel guilty about that but I also know that I can not change the past & the best I can realistically do is to try & do better now. I realized during my 2nd relationship that I did NOT have as nearly as good of a handle on my issues as I hoped. I had a better understanding of some of the causes thou like OCD & anxiety & I tried to find better ways to manage em like different psych meds & also seeking out a relationship with someone who is more needy & clingy. Feeling pushed away, unwanted, & like I'm the problem makes things aLOT worse. I still have way more than my fair share of issues & they can still cause major problems within my current relationship sometimes or just my life in general but I'm NOT expecting perfection & neither is she.