Autistic women in abusive relationships!

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Even if someone has an "easier" time getting dates, that doesn't mean they have an "easier" time finding good people. Even if someone would have an "easier" time finding a new relationship, that doesn't mean getting out of the current one is "easy".

Abusive people often create a situation where it's very difficult for the other person to leave. And it usually starts out looking supportive. Things like "oh don't worry about your job, I can take care of things", or "your friends don't treat you very well, you deserve better", or "why don't you move in with me?", which can be used as a means of cutting off access to money and support, while also making it look like they're being nice in the process. Gaslighting, love-bombing, chipping-at-the-wall, sabotage, intimidation, fear of retaliation, and threat or fear of physical violence may also be involved.

Getting out of an abusive relationship is often much more difficult than just going "this sucks" and leaving, regardless of how hypothetically "easy" it might be to find a new partner afterwards.

This I agree with. It's frustrating when people say "leave him", like it's a really easy thing to do. Sometimes leaving a long-term relationship can change your world, and surprisingly a lot of people would rather live in an unhappy household than to face change. Yes, this can even be true for some NTs.

My favourite cliche is "if he doesn't like XYZ then he wasn't a good boyfriend to begin with" or however it's worded. It's as if to expect you to think "I mustn't be upset, as it's proved he wasn't a good boyfriend if he doesn't like me doing XYZ, so no harm done, no loss there, he wasn't worth it, whatever *shrugs*". Um, no. Most humans are way too emotional to deal with heartache in such an optimistic way. If this happened to me it would be more like "but I didn't want him to not be a good boyfriend, I really wanted him but I didn't want him to be like this, I feel so upset and disappointed".

I'm a male and got into an abusive on/off relationship with a girl. I guess I was very gullible, and didn't understand that the things she did were inappropriate. I didn't set healthy boundaries. I didn't understand female behaviours, and that she was just playing with me and using me. Though she was much less abusive towards me than towards her next "toy", whom she loved to physically hurt, dominate and humiliate before his friends.

But for autistic women it likely happens a lot more often, as men are more likely to hit on them, so they have more opportunities to get into an abusive relationship. While 90% of the time it was females who initiated a relationship with me, I don't think that's normal for men. Women are likely more submissive than men too. I also assume women often don't understand that most men hitting on them are simply interested in their body, not in their personality. Men are also more likely to be abusive, e.g. using women without self-confidence and without healthy boundaries as sex toys. Men are much more likely to rape their partners, as that asserts their dominance. Kinda like male giraffes rape other male giraffes to declare their higher social status. When a man's social status gets challenged by another man, he may fight that man. If his social status gets challenged by a woman, he'll more likely rape her.

From what I've seen on this forum & other sites, there seems to be a lot of confusion over the difference between being autistic & someone having NPD. Some symtoms overlap or appear similar even thou the cause & reasoning behind them might be very different. Also some autistic guys develop NPD due to them having s!hitty childhoods. The Aspies grow up believing that others never really care about them so the Aspies feel they need to only care about themselves since no one else would look out for them.

Autistic people tend to have more problems being independent compared to NTs. Traditional gender & social roles tend to expect men to be more independent with things like employment. Women tend to be paid less than men & spend more time taking care of kids & household chores compared to men. Also one theory about autism is that it's an extreme male brain so it would make sense in a way that autistic women can have an easier time relating to NT men than autistic men do relating to NT women. From what I've seen on this forum, it tends to be easier for autistic women to get in relationships with NT men compared to autistic men getting in relationships with NT women. That said there are PLENTY of exceptions & as mentioned on this thread, autistic women are more likely to be in abusive relationships due to women in general being more likely to be in abusive relationships compared to men in general, & autistic people are more likely to be in abusive relationships compared to non-autistics.

Yes, and it's even harder when the woman owns the house. What is she supposed to do then? Police won't evict partners who refuse to leave. All the rhetoric about abused women leaving abusive men assumes that the woman is living in his house, or dependent on him financially, so she is encouraged to pack her bags and leave for a shelter and government welfare.

The type of thinking in public service announcements is often outdated or borderline sexist against women, suggesting abused women are lower class and they don't have good jobs or assets and they most certainly can't own a house! Smart and successful women can't possibly be abused, can they? The prevailing opinion is that these women should flee from their own homes, often their children's home as well, and leave the abusive man living there. Surrender their homes to men. If those men are domestic partners they can sell the house and keep the money in their name.

The women must take their kids out of their school district to live in a shelter, while continuing to work full time anonymously to pay legal fees required to save the house and sever the relationship or divorce, while the guy is happily eating Cheetos in her living room, watching a ball game.

So much fun.

I have never been in any abusive relationships but I have been around other women who were in abusive relationships. However, I have experiences with creepy men.

A. I asked out a guy who I met at a singles ministry to a homecoming dance at the university who I went to school with. He wanted to come and crash at my place and I said no. After that, he hugged me and sniffed my hair

B. There is a guy who lives in my complex who was obsessed with me and wouldn't take no for an answer. So I avoided him every choice I could even though he stalked me and harassed me. I even attempted to put a note on his car asking him to stop and leave me alone but he tore it up and threw it back on my floor mat.

C. I had a crush on a guy on the spectrum who was a narcissistic abuser but things never got serious, he did gaslight me and play all kinds of games that left me confused.

Yeah, I've known these guys as well. A different form of entanglement, but a similar schtick. Create a situation that's very difficult to simply "walk away" from. Similar tactics, too - gaslighting, guilt, sabotage, retaliation, etc. Instead of a prison guard, they're a parasite.

^

Another issue is that autistic women are at a disadvantage when seeking help from police. When I was dealing with ongoing physical / SA, I was gaslit so badly that I thought it was all my fault. I finally got the nerve to call police and self-advocate. I tried very hard to be calm and to provide proof in a logical, rational way. I was interrogated for hours because they didn't believe I would have put up with abuse as long as I did, especially since I was a well-educated professional. They asked to see bruises etc but I didn't have any at the time because they were brand new injuries. It takes a few days for bruises to be visible. I gave further evidence of injuries which had been reported to my doctor in the past. They said that didn't matter because they weren't current.

They decided I didn't appear to be in distress so I must be lying. Their body language person said I had a flat affect and didn't seem emotional enough to be telling the truth. I have a flat affect and I was dealing with Alexithymia as well as Stockholm Syndrome, so I don't know what they expected of me. In hindsight I realise they probably judged the fact that I wasn't making eye contact with them. Apparently that tells behaviourists that we're lying.

They sent me back to the person and told him I'd reported him but "We aren't going to do anything about this", which gave him false confidence and made him retaliate even more as punishment.

The next time I contacted police I was very emotional and crying. I had visible injuries. This time, despite having filed a previous report, they sent me home because they thought I was hysterical, unreliable, and faking it to overcompensate for the previous time when they'd said I was too calm. I showed them bruises, bite marks, disfigured body parts, and hair pulled from my head. They said I could have self-inflicted the injuries to substantiate this second, frivolous accusation against the perp.

In short, police failed to help me because I was autistic. Once, because I was serious and non-emotional, and once because I was "hysterical" and overcompensating for my lack of emotion the previous time.

It wasn't until a male friend and female employer intervened that this person was hauled out and arrested for DV and attempted murder. Their word was taken over mine.

^It’s a terrible thing that happened to you.

I disagree with this on multiple levels, but I’ll just say that as an autistic woman I’d probably have an easier time relating to a man who is autistic because we could have more in common. It depends on the individual, though.

I don't believe in the extreme male brain theory.

Maybe it's true for some autistic people but I don't think it defines autism.

I had a similar experience.

I also didn’t entirely know what was or wasn’t appropriate behavior in relationships, so I didn’t pick up on early warning signs or even obvious problems in the beginning of the relationship.

I had a really hard time talking to people about what happened, even in an inpatient, psychiatric setting. I had always struggled with selective mutism which certainly didn’t help.

You probably could relate to austic guys more than NT guys but might could relate to NT guys better than lots of austic guys can relate to NT women. Lots of NT guys complain about women not being direct & playing "mind games". It's a common theme in sitcoms for women to get upset with their guys while the guys are confused about how they screwed up. The upfront directness of an autistic women might be rereshing to lots of guys & the might find her quirkiness cute. I live that about austic women.

I’ve experienced the same thing with men as have others which is why this thread exists.



That’s TV. It’s not necessarily a reflection of reality. All people do or experience this, no matter their gender.

Hmmm, I think this varies by locale (and perhaps by the whims of a particular police department). I'm aware of one case where the police did evict a partner who refused to leave. This was about 10 to 15 years ago.