Thoughts on women, dating, relationships, nice guys...

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Pugly
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25 Aug 2007, 11:26 pm

sinsboldly wrote:

Having been a woman for over 40 years ( I was a girl and a teen ager before I was a woman) I have to say my biggest issue with men is I can not understand if they are interested in me or not.

I don't recognize that they are flirting with me, I don't recognize that they want to hang out with me, I don't know they might want something other than just a quick roll in the hay, I can't understand when they single me out for dinner, or one time an airplane ride above the city!, or even make an appointment to pick me up for dinner and going to a play or a movie. Not a clue.

I have no idea how many good, kind, gentlemen intentions I have blithely ignored; signals that would have stopped a train!

I would like to apologize to all those men that tried. I am sorry I missed you. I would have loved your company, your jokes, your dreams and your manhood. Had I known I would have been your most loyal companion, your fiercest defender, your quiet cheerleader and your devoted sexual pleasure partner. My most contrite apology, dear ones.

Merle

Reading that makes me want to be blatantly obvious about my affections. Just lay everything out there... and see what happens. I just want to go up to someone I am fancying... say exactly how I feel... let them tell me how they feel... if it's similar then let's try to make it work. No subtle flirting... no tricks... just pure unfiltered thoughts and emotions.

In my mind, this is the perfect system. No guess work... no anxiety about what could be. But everytime I've expressed everything that's in my heart... I trip and fall on my face. For some reason this isn't the path women want to take to start a relationship... or I haven't met the right person yet. I'm preparing for the former... but hoping for the later.

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Wanting more than what I have might appear as greed.

calandale
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26 Aug 2007, 4:44 am

Pugly wrote:

I've done that a couple of times, and it hasn't worked.
Ah, became friends with one. But, I must choose poorly.

shopaholic
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28 Aug 2007, 7:01 am

LePetitPrince wrote:

This is a very low act ....you are using the guy who's asking you out just as a trophy in front of others or as a favor for others and not because you like him , you should never do that again .

How did I know if I would like him or not until I went out with him? Surely the whole point of going on a date is to see if you are compatible with someone or not? The problem is if you go into that situation believing that the other person sees it as something more than they do, you are likely to get hurt.

Actually, the "low act" was my friend's, because he told me afterwards that he set us up because the guy was having problems getting a girlfriend and he wanted me to go out with him to give "feedback" on what he was doing wrong...

spirited
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28 Aug 2007, 1:19 pm

Ok, now I have a weird q for aspie men, or women who might like to comment. (I am autie female) For a while this man, I think is aspie, but don't know for sure, has been trying to get me to notice him. I literally had no time to date or talk or anything. My location changed, and I developed more free time, which probebly isn't good. Then I kept getting messages from others that this aspie likes me. So I sent word via a NT female, who caused a lot of drama. The maybe aspie guy now knows that I know who he is, and that he was at one time interested. He is now totally unavailable, I think he is trying to hide. What the heck is UP with this guy? Is it obsessive/compulsive? Did he not want the reality check? Did he change his mind? I don't really care much about this situation, but it is driving me a little crazy trying to figure out his motives.

shopaholic
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28 Aug 2007, 1:24 pm

spirited wrote:

So I sent word via a NT female, who caused a lot of drama.

You've probably answered your own question!

Pugly
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28 Aug 2007, 1:30 pm

Um, so let me see if I understand the situation correctly. There was this supposed Aspie guy, who liked you. You moved away, and told someone to inform him that you like him?

Now he isn't contacting you?

There could be a couple of things going on here... he might just be too timid and shy to contact you. Especially if it's long distance... it's hard to be attached over long distance... at least without some kind of interaction.

He may not know what to say.

He probably still fancies you, unless you did something to really set him off. Then I doubt he'll like you again.

Aridarr
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28 Aug 2007, 5:27 pm

I don't think it has anything to do with gender.

It is all a case of who is initially attracted to whom.

You have all been talking as though it is always the man who sets out to win the woman's affections. This is not always the case. Many women set their hearts on particular men, and are as disappointed and rejected as you are.

Perhaps this is why many women behave in an 'uncooperative' manner when they are approached by other men: They already feel attracted to someone else.

This is why they appear overly critical of the advances of most men. Why settle for second best?

Edit: What I am saying I that most of you fail to realize that these women are acting on their own agendas. To put it simply; it isn't that they just don't want you...they want someone else.

Pugly
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28 Aug 2007, 5:50 pm

Aridarr wrote:

I agree, it definately goes both ways.

But what seems strange is that for women... until they are ready... the mere insinuation that you want something more long term... that you are deeply attracted to them... is sort of a turn off. I mean, if a woman has no attraction for you... nothing negative or positive just nothing... and you try to approach her and you are very attracted to her... a turn-off.

On the guys side of things... if a woman fancies a man... I think that makes her more attractive in the mans eye. I think... maybe that's just me. If my view of a woman is neutral... or at least someone I haven't fancied yet... and they show interest in me... I am automatically a little interested in them. I guess if she automatically came on too strong it would be weird... but it also would depend on the other aspects of her personality... I am not going to reject her for having strong feelings.

shopaholic
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29 Aug 2007, 5:09 am

Yes, it goes both ways.

If I like a guy, I will first of all talk to him - then I get terrified he thinks I'm coming on too strong and ignore him totally unless he speaks to me first.

So I "blow hot and cold" with guys I like, which they probably find really weird, which is why I don't get anywhere with them.

But yes, if there was someone I had set my sights on, this would make me automatically reject any advances from other guys who didn't measure up to the qualities I saw in him.

As to why showing a woman how keen you are too soon is a turn off, it may simply be that she rejects you because she doesn't want to lead you on. This is because she doesn't want you to get your hopes up & then get hurt.

gwenevyn
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29 Aug 2007, 5:23 am

shopaholic wrote:

But yes, if there was someone I had set my sights on, this would make me automatically reject any advances from other guys who didn't measure up to the qualities I saw in him.

Yup. I do that.

Quote:

As to why showing a woman how keen you are too soon is a turn off, it may simply be that she rejects you because she doesn't want to lead you on. This is because she doesn't want you to get your hopes up & then get hurt.

Also, usually when someone does this to me (suddenly confesses feelings after having known me for a very short time) it happens before I've had the chance to develop (or not develop) any in return. Just because you're fixated on someone, doesn't mean she has been thinking about you in the same manner... or even hardly noticed you at all. Forgive me the crass utilitarian metaphor, but it's as if someone came up to you and tried to sell you a car, but you didn't know the specifications or even have a good look at it yet. You'd say, "No, thanks."

Pugly
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29 Aug 2007, 7:09 am

gwenevyn wrote:

Forgive me the crass utilitarian metaphor, but it's as if someone came up to you and tried to sell you a car, but you didn't know the specifications or even have a good look at it yet. You'd say, "No, thanks."

I understand the metaphor... but to extend it a bit forward why would this be grounds to reject this person? If you are in the market, someone offers... wouldn't you consider the offer? Or is it considered but just rejected...

Putting so much out there... is it like a pushy car salesman? I'd hate to be one of those...

Edit: Also, what if it's with someone you do like... at least a little bit. I only confess my feelings when I think they are reciprocated... maybe not on the same level... but at least something has to be there.

Too ruin your metaphor even more... I only try to sell my car... when I think they are interested.

Maybe I am just over analyzing this stuff... but I want to know why my natural inclination leads to failure...

Pandora
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29 Aug 2007, 9:43 am

shopaholic wrote:

spirited wrote:

So I sent word via a NT female, who caused a lot of drama.

You've probably answered your own question!

She might have fancied him herself.

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spirited
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30 Aug 2007, 8:23 am

Pugly wrote:

Clarify: He fancied me, I lived further away. I moved closer to him, actually right across the street (This move is unrelated to subject at hand), the NT girl has been trying to fix us up, stating he likes me, the nt girl is in a LTR, engaged. Several people commented on aspies feelings toward me. I didn't even consider the option, but then, thought, maybe. I tried to make contact, but it was a dead end. Now I feel like he is hiding from me.

spirited
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30 Aug 2007, 8:26 am

It isn't so much that I am interested, its just weird, because several people have approached me saying he liked me. Then, I thought, ok, I will get to know him, so I tried. Now...not a word, not a hi, not a wave, nothing. I have to be around this person now, several times a week, and I feel awkword, like someone played a stupid joke on me/us, and I walked right into it.

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