An Aspie Paradox?

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well, the idea is that creating reality is a group effort, hence the term 'concensus reality'. We all put in our 2cents iyswim. (the current quasi-scientific explanation is along the lines of DNA forming a sort of re-programmable biological internet).

Last edited by psych on 07 Sep 2007, 2:26 pm, edited 1 time in total.

ll have another go at explaining how i see things, i think the world around is illusory - its not real. (your probably vaguely familiar with this concept already). As this world isnt real, it means i dont have to take it as seriously as i used to. So by choosing to perceive life through that perspective a lot of the common anxieties, fears, apprehensions and doubts about the future etc. diminish. So too is the burden of 'holding myself responsible', whilst thats still true to some extent it doesnt depress me in the same way it used to.

Id better make an attempt to answer the OP - i dont want Graelwyn to think im going around hijacking her threads!

Ive only had one relationship and that was so chaotic & atypical that i dont want to extrapolate too much from it and form too many solid expectations or preconceptions about myself or the future etc. The whole experience raised a lot of heavy interpersonal issues for the first time, and i left without having quite figured everything out i wanted to. It was reassuring to discover i can experience intimacy and feel connected with someone, but ive still uncertain how it might play out over the long term, and whether it could work out in a more stable & trusting partnership.

In general though, the OP describes my thoughts & feelings very well.

See, while I've heard that concept of the world being an illusion I definitely can't say I agree. To me its extremely real, there's an understandable process and logic even to complete illogic in some people, thus the only thing that isn't all there or completely real sometimes are the thought processes of the general populace and especially if they're living in that whole TV/Hollywood sense of reality. The dynamics, especially those which are sort of self-guided, the pain, the war, as well as the spiritual growth through hardening; for me I see a very unified existence and one where people really aren't that different from one place to another aside from what political or religious propaganda they may chose to or be coerced into swallowing.

Keep in mind that if she's an Aspie and is interested in you, she's probably feeling pretty vulnerable and nervous when communicating with you. You're possibly seeing a change in her ability to communicate and her willingness to open up because she's become aware that there's more than friendship between the two of you now.

Also, and sorry if I'm overstepping the bounds here, from some of your posts I've read, you seem like a really self-aware type of guy but you also seem like you might be self-sabotaging in the relationship department. It almost seems as though you're determined to find something missing, not in the actual girls you like, but with your interactions with them. I hope that doesn't come across wrong. I'm not saying you're one of those guys who's looking for a supermodel; you seem to be one of those people who's looking for the perfect chemistry in a relationship. Maybe I'm just jaded, but I don't think that exists. And even if it does, you're definitely not going to be able to tell if it's really there until you actually get to know the person. That doesn't really happen until around three months into dating.

I remember you saying you've been single for seven years (or something like that). Maybe test the waters a bit more and realize that it's OK if it doesn't work out in the end. This girl you're talking about - I think you should give her a chance. Once she's comfortable, you might find that interaction you're looking for. If not, there's no law saying you have to marry her just because you chose to date her for a while.

Here's another thing - even now, there are girls who are pretty attractive who I probably could date. The problem is on the extrovert end as well; so many of em if they're attracted are elated attracted to me, like they aren't taking it slow, flipping the cards over one at a time; on the contrary I'm a bit more of a stoic when it comes to stuff like this - not that I won't show my emotions or that I enjoy their company, appreciate them, but I'm a slow mover and it takes me a while to feel enough trust, not in them but in the situation (and yeah, in that my AS won't f' it up). This leads to them way out-pacing me and getting a bit disenfranchised. I don't really know what to do about that one though but when someone does show interest it gets to be a minefield - and its not like I can just pull back entirely, be friends with em, and keep things cool so we can have a gradual build because they're too all-or-nothing about it.

You need to communicate that to the girl(s) you're dating. If they don't understand or are incapable of taking it at the pace you need, then they're not the girl for you. Communication is so important in a relationship. If you get uncomfortable with verbal communication, just write it out in an email or letter. If they're not ok with that, they're not the girl for you.

I'm starting to realize that dating should be seen more as an opportunity to find the perfect person for you. It's not about how they see you, it's about whether their true self meshes with your true self. Don't worry about the ones who don't understand your needs. The perfect girl for you will be understanding about what you need.

You know, it's funny how giving this kind of advice makes me realize that I need to also learn how to take my own advice. I've been really upset lately that a guy I've liked for awhile doesn't return any interest. He just wasn't the right guy, and I shouldn't see it as a reflection of me being broken in some way.

Yeah, I know communication is important. I do have a bit of an aversion with metacommunication or direct communication and its been more of a thing I acquired in recent years just because - people react badly to that stuff, add to that a guy with AS who owns his social failings as results of his actions and lessons like that are taken to heart pretty quick. I think I'd really have to practice actually having the guts to keep myself out there and, like you said, have to forget that whole gnawing voice in my head that keeps reminding me that whatever I'd naturally think to say is wrong so heading out in uncertain territory is almost certain social suicide.

Spot, one more thing I think I could add though; I think I really could sum it up to a feeling, a sensation, a knowledge. Pretty much the day that I'm talking to a girl or with her and feel that sensation where just the whole way she makes me feel comes down to two words - welcome home. That's what I guess I'm really looking for and that's ideally what I'd want her to find in me, that other person or place within them where you've pretty much hit the essence in a way to where you know that the good will outweigh the bad, problems will be worth working through, even the worst drama will make your bond stronger unless you knowingly and decisively break it, and whenever things are going hard for the one the other will try to be there for them (and I won't feel chased into helping her off of give and take economics, she'll spark the desire to want to do things for her). Might sound kind of fictional to some but seriously, I'd imagine you can get whatever you want out of a relationship if your willing to put in the effort so I'm still completely dumfounded why so many people allow themselves to be in crap relationships and even ignore their own altruistic tendencies that would actually make it work. Again, its a hard world out there and we need fountains of positive energy and warmth in eachother when it comes to private life, not more enemies of necessity.

That's perfectly expressed, it's what I'm holding out for.

If it's fictional, then I'll just stay single forever.



Dunno about that.

With some people, it doesn't matter how hard you try. And to SOME people, the very fact you're putting in the effort makes you contemptible.

With the right partner, though, I'd agree with you. And by "right", I don't mean the popular myth of one magic "soulmate". I just mean someone who's reasonable, and compatible, and caring, and committed.