Why do men just avoid saying they're not interested?

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0_equals_true
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08 Sep 2007, 9:29 am

Who_Am_I wrote:
I'm not a guy and can't speak for guys, but I'm am an Aspie.
If I don't contact someone for a week, it doesn't mean I'm not interested. It means that I've been distracted, or I don't realise how long it's been (I've lost track of the time for 13 weeks before, ONE week is nothing), or I've been busy with whatever I'm fixating on...
I can go months without talking to my friends. A rare few can deal with this and remain my friend. Most of them leave. :(

exactly



Anubis
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08 Sep 2007, 10:05 am

I told my ex-girlfriend(online) that we weren't compatible in the end, I had the guts to do so. It'd be understandably harder if we ever met or phoned each other more. But it's cruel to just abandon a girl.

Girls do it too though.


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calandale
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08 Sep 2007, 1:29 pm

Only those with the willingness
to try out another female, in
the first place.



atty61
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09 Sep 2007, 5:07 am

I ended up marrying a girl because I just couldn't think of a way of saying I didn't want to get married. That was 24 years ago and wouldn't happen now (I hope, and I say that without much confidence), but during my teens and early 20s I found myself in numerous very brief relationships simply because I didn't have the skills to say "No".
It certainly doesn't help if you have no self esteem, detest yourself and don't know how to give or receive love and are absolutely terrified of messing things up by saying the wrong thing. I know I was always so flattered if a girl even noticed that I existed that I was completely defenceless. All I ever wanted was to be liked, and the thought of offending somebody who liked me was just too horrific to think about.
How do you answer, "Why haven't you tried to kiss me?" without offending?



calandale
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09 Sep 2007, 5:22 am

atty61 wrote:
How do you answer, "Why haven't you tried to kiss me?" without offending?


"Because I don't want to works."

Look, you can't worry about offending
someone, to the point of harming yourself.

What they are doing by asking this is taking
a chance - they've made the decision that 'tis
worth the risk of rejection.



atty61
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09 Sep 2007, 6:07 pm

Thanks for taking the time to reply Calandale.

The girl in question had turned up at my house with several of her friends to confront me. I did indeed say "Because I didn't want to." and she said "Why?", so I told her I didn't fancy her. So she asked, "Then why did you say yes to going out with me?" and I said, "I don't know." I won't print her reply, but she and her friends gave me a terrible time for months afterwards. Anyway, that was a long time ago when I was 14 and I used it as an example of situations that cause me problems. I know it is just a fear of confrontation, and I know by not saying how I feel straight away only makes matters worse. Lol, I know I'm a miserable failure but that's why I'm here in WP. :D



calandale
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09 Sep 2007, 6:11 pm

Yeah. I think you'll find that adults don't tend
to act QUITE that poorly.

Though, I had one girl rubbing herself all
over me, who was definitely NOT my taste.
She just wouldn't take no, in a reasonable
manner. Now, given that I had flirted with her a bit,
from a distance, and I think she was a sweet person,
all I did was became utterly cold, and a bit psychotic.
Worked eventually.



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09 Sep 2007, 6:44 pm

I'm a guy who has never had a GF but the girl doesn't want to be rejected or have their feelings hurt. Let the guy not say "I'm not interested" but instead "I'm already in a relationship" or a unique variation on the latter.


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calandale
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09 Sep 2007, 6:52 pm

AnonymousAnonymous wrote:
I'm a guy who has never had a GF but the girl doesn't want to be rejected or have their feelings hurt. Let the guy not say "I'm not interested" but instead "I'm already in a relationship" or a unique variation on the latter.


Yeah, but some of us don't like even white lies.

I'd rather hurt feelings, than damage my honor.



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09 Sep 2007, 7:14 pm

White lies are the most misleading and hurtful.



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09 Sep 2007, 7:23 pm

They are misleading & hurtful if the guy uses a computer voice to answer or gives a smile that is way too big for his face.


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09 Sep 2007, 7:25 pm

It's much better to just be honest. Male or female, when they finally realize the attraction is one-sided, they're going to feel really stupid and like they've made a fool of themselves. Just tell the person you're not interested and give them the respect they deserve.



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11 Sep 2007, 7:05 pm

Austicstar,
I hope he got back to you by now but if he doesn't it's his problem and not yours. It's not your fault that he decided to treat you the way he did. From what it sounds like, regarding the phone calls, he was just playing games with you. If it still isn't calling you, he's not worth your energy.



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15 Sep 2007, 2:35 pm

Everyone has their own set of issues. But don't worry because there are 6.5 billion people on the planet so if one sucks then it's ok.



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16 Sep 2007, 6:23 pm

autisticstar wrote:
Hi,

I am perplexed about a recent experience with a man with Asperger's Syndrome that I met on this forum. We started by sending each other private messages and then progressed to e-mails and then phone calls. It seems like we have a lot in common and I thought we could relate to each other well. Granted, it's a long distance situation so I know that's difficult but he didn't specify a particular geographic location and neither did I. We do reside in the same country at least. He called me on Labor Day and was very brief on the phone. I understand that it was his day off and he wanted to go and and do things on his day off. It has been a week and he has not called me or e-mailed me. I left a message on his cell phone once two days in a row and I also sent him an e-mail. I am really disappointed and wish I knew if I offended him in some way or if he just didn't want to continue to correspond. Guys, do us women and favor and if you are not interested then just have the guts to say so and don't leave us hanging. The week before he gave me his home phone number. I tried to call his home phone number but it was either busy or it said that my call could not go through at this time. I was using a calling card so maybe that's the reason. I didn't have expectations from him but it did have undertones of dating since I met him on a single's list. I'm just disappointed that an Aspie would pull some NT junk like not having the guts to say he wasn't interested. The funny thing is, we were in touch for about two months. Why do men pull stunts like this?


star,

I've been through experiences like that a few times. It's like... the spark isn't there yet but I want to give the relationship a fair chance and get to know her for the person she is. There have been the times I was the one to have to go face her and tell her it wan't working out, there have been the ones who came forth to tell me, but OTOH I did once date a girl in that there wasn't a spark there at first but we got to know each other some and then one of the two said the right thing at the right time and things just lit up between me and her for some time. Ah.. the ficklenesses of the dating game. If it's not working out, the best we can do is end it in a light of understanding and accepting the situation for what it is.


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WatcherAzazel
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18 Sep 2007, 12:30 am

autisticstar wrote:
Hi,

I am perplexed about a recent experience with a man with Asperger's Syndrome that I met on this forum. We started by sending each other private messages and then progressed to e-mails and then phone calls. It seems like we have a lot in common and I thought we could relate to each other well. Granted, it's a long distance situation so I know that's difficult but he didn't specify a particular geographic location and neither did I. We do reside in the same country at least. He called me on Labor Day and was very brief on the phone. I understand that it was his day off and he wanted to go and and do things on his day off. It has been a week and he has not called me or e-mailed me. I left a message on his cell phone once two days in a row and I also sent him an e-mail. I am really disappointed and wish I knew if I offended him in some way or if he just didn't want to continue to correspond. Guys, do us women and favor and if you are not interested then just have the guts to say so and don't leave us hanging. The week before he gave me his home phone number. I tried to call his home phone number but it was either busy or it said that my call could not go through at this time. I was using a calling card so maybe that's the reason. I didn't have expectations from him but it did have undertones of dating since I met him on a single's list. I'm just disappointed that an Aspie would pull some NT junk like not having the guts to say he wasn't interested. The funny thing is, we were in touch for about two months. Why do men pull stunts like this?


Well, I've talked to girls I wasn't really interested in, while pretending to be interested, just because I was hoping that any date I could get would help my social skills.