Why difficult for relationships with aspergers?

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I'd say it just has a lot to do with how natural order works and how priorities work whether its men seeking women or women seeking men. Women, by the majority, want a guy with status, skills they can brag to their girlfriends about (ie. good mechanic, does edgy things like sportbike, is really good at some sport or talent like music; I mean publicly performing in the later case), and while alpha and edginess seem to mean more than money in the early 20's and earlier the money bit comes more into play in the late 20's and 30's.

Guys, on the whole, primary priority is sex. If your priority isn't sex, its supposed to be sex and you're kinda failing your gender role or giving people the impression of "Ok, so evidently he's been dissed pretty hard in the past - good reason not to touch him". Guys also tend to be a bit more open minded to quirks and oddities in a woman, it also helps aspie women that they seem to be quirky on the male minded side which tends to put them in better with guys even, and being that the guy's primary level of attraction is physical - if an aspie female is good looking and social skills that cut it she at least is doing fine with barriers to entry, not saying she'll have quality relationships or won't get a chain of complete a--holes if she's not careful but the initial barriers are doing better. On the other hand if she's not real attractive, she's probably in the same spot aspie guys tend to be unless she just has a sexy enough personality that it works. With guys, looks will at least get you a bit more social appeal but they won't break your barriers to entry; talking about NT women it seems like the majority want, in addition to what I said earlier, social skills comparable to their level and if they can find it guys who are very 'inside the box' in terms of very civic, very much on the people-mill path of go to school, find a love, have a nice little suburban house with the SUV, 2.2 kids, white picket fence, barbeque with the neighbors on Sundays after church; normality and family seems to be a very big dream for a great deal of them (not saying aspie guys can't do that but many aspie guys definitely don't send the vibe like we'd be successful in that arena)

Matt, that's pretty much the hard part though - natural law, natural selection, nature means a lot and being that attraction is something that grabs you from the most basic and central parts of your brain it means that what you consciously think or want to do really doesn't mean a lot - either your attracted to someone, aren't, or if they're on the line you need to spend a lot of time with that person as friends before the attraction builds (goes for guys and girls alike). People who have a lot of flex in this are lucky in that they can find more relationships and probably quality relationships; narrower flex range on that means that people will probably have fewer relationships and if they just get lonely and throw themselves at people on the same looks level it can be a mess.

I sympathise. in my city, I know (I kid you not) a grand total of one female not already taken. i'm not interested in her, and she's not interested in me. the two girls i'm interested in are taken, and one is moving accross the atlantic in a few days. (seriously, there are no single women here; the only time in my life i've been to a club, there was just one girl without a SO there, and there were easily a dozen single men...)

I think that is a good thing.

Here's a thought, or shall we rather put on our bigger glasses and call it a strategy:

I think it is a good thing for first date with a girl (or, rather, woman or lady) to casually say you are going to a movie with a friend, and ask her with. (Find a friend, damnit).
Then, if she is still talking to you, second, and third time dates, ask her to go and see another movie, or go to a play or something (perhaps she hinted the previous time what type of movies or plays she like? Yes, you have to go see those ones, sorry). This way, you don't have to make small talk and afterwards it is already quite late (this should be an evening movie/play), so you can only go for a quick cup of coffee at a nearby coffee spot and the time will pass in no time while you discuss the movie/play, hopefully by the third one leading into more life,universe,everything type topics. (Discuss = you let her talk a lot, Ask Questions about what she thinks of stuff, when in doubt.)

And then you drop her off at home. And watch a LOT of Ally McBeal about how to drop her off at home... This is the Most Akward Moment Of All. If you are not brave enough for a peck on the cheek yet, you Ask Whether She Wants To Go Out Again. Don't just dump her off at the house.

Above all, rise above your aspieness and be into her mind all the time. Try and think all the time whether she is comfortable, and be interested in her. And don't stare. Ok. That's a lot, I know, but it should get you into a reasonably non-disasterous hopefully-more-than-one-date thing.

oh well, then it can't work for me. not that i know any single girl that i would ask out anyway.

I did not write the bit about the English to Japanese, but yes, I did laugh at it. Sorry. It is just that we've done this thing at work, where we'd run a paragraph through a couple of languages at Babelfish and see what we get out in the end, and have a good giggle at it. So, I was more laughing at the idea, I was not laughing at the language of the original post. I am sorry I angried you, and if I hurt anyone's feelings, I am truly sorry for that too.

Ok, hopefully this may cheer you up. I ran my previous paragraph through Babelfish a few times, and here is what I got:



(Why do I suspect that I'm in bigger trouble now...?)

I am looking for a liberal Aspie woman who has many of the same interests as me, but finding one who either lives near me or is willing to do a long-distance relationship is nearly impossible.

Tim

If you are willing to do a long distance relationship, have you tried Aspie Affection?

I did send messages to some people who looked interesting, but none of them reciprocated.

Tim

That sucks. You're a really nice guy, from what I can see from your posts across the forums. Have you thought of going <scratch head, thinking, hmmmm, where would nice, intelligent yet available girls hang out> back to night school? Something really creative and brainy, yet a mature interest, like script/creative writing, or psychology or something?

I am currently attending college full-time. I should finish in 2-3 years. I am willing travel anywhere in the U.S. to meet someone (If I were already out of school and had a lot of money, I would be willing to travel further).

I feel like such a loser.

Tim

Do you think we've hijacked the thread?

I don't think this thread has been hijacked. I think we're still on-topic.

Tim

Cool, because I think it is a good one.

I am very sorry to hear that. Every time I see your avatar on the forum, I swear I took you for someone that is happily married with a baby on the way - you just come over in a confident way in your writing, and I would have never guessed that you felt like that on the inside.

College is full of girls. Most of them won't be into you but somewhere, I promise you, there is someone that will go on a date with you. Do you have any friends that you trust on campus? Perhaps someone that would give you honest advice at maybe why you have not been able to get the person you are interested in, to respond? Or, have you perhaps overlooked someone that could be suited to you because of outward appearances?

I don't care about outward appearance anymore. I just want someone who I can see myself being happy with.

Tim

Please don't give up hope. Just keep looking and keep reading the useful tips on this forum and out there. And I really think just trying to make friends is a better start than hoping for romance at first sight. I don't know what else to say just that I think you're a great guy, and that you should focus on your strengths. As wonderful as it is to share your life with someone, it is also important to find contentness in oneself, first. Do you like to keep your own company? Are you ok with yourself? I think you should be, but only you can choose that. I hope that you can rediscover some of your positive qualities in the next week. I think it is very important. Just don't give up about finding a girl: you have time, and you are smart. Just try and make peace with being ok with yourself first. It is a very attractive thing in a person.

I think it is to do with the differing roles that both genders typically have to take up for courtship, the male is still commonly expected to initiate proceedings and be the more dominant party; so perhaps it is somewhat easier for girls with AS to partake in relationships for this reason, as well as the (somewhat stereotypical) view that men (with or without AS) generally require less emotional reciprocity than woman - though that is just my best guess.