Painful feelings

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Like most aspies I will naturally to an extent obsess... I have learnt how to do this in a moderately skilful manner though... it never seems to go beyond me self lamenting lol and it doesn't hurt the situation because they don't know.
To be fair, it depends on what all other things are looking like... I will rarely self lament if stuff as a whole is looking good... if stuff is dull and tedious, girl stuff will scare the hell out of me. But my situation well... not sure anything is gonna happen but the situation as it stands, with me now in a pretty good mood and form, has not been damaged at all - I've controlled this obsession - it's only hurt me and stuff... but it ain't damaged a single thing.

I wonder if my choice of wording is strange to other's... I do believe I send the wrong message if I reveal my heart. My hope by revealing what's in my heart... is to take away all the guess work involved so they can also reveal their feelings to me. I don't do this unless I am fairly certain something is there from the other side, I need fairly good odds... at least my brain needs to believe there is fairly good odds. I want the thread of communication to be open to share and get to know each other on a level that isn't available when it's just play or friendship level conversation.

Gwen likes the slowly raising of the gate; I like breaking down walls with massive explosives... I shouldn't let Gwen's comment's dictate my love's direction though... she readily admits to being very unique and I shouldn't fall into the trap... and generalize all women with her comments.



Well natural just means there is a flow to the conversation. It may be a stilted mess, but conversing face to face is a give and take. With online email it's all to easy to give a ton of info... and then expect the other to respond in kind. Also, it's easy to read between the lines that aren't there when you scour over everything they send... face to face... much more in the moment. Which I like much better...even if I find it is more difficult to start and maintain.

I do like online to get into another's beliefs and thoughts. I usually don't like to take chances on asking someone out until I have enough information about them... information that can't be gleaned just from their appearance and silly small-talk.

I really have to counter this tendency though, I want to just approach women when I like their style... and not worry about deeper matters...get to them when the time is right. But my brain always constricts my heart away from action...

Same here, but the discomfort that I sometimes
feel in conversation hinders the flow. And my poor
brain starts to whir, and truly believe things it shouldn't.
I think it's never right to just throw it all out there.



Ah, but I think that her comments are even
more applicable to others. And, you're not
breaking down the walls. You're bringing the
trojan horse before the gate, but opening it
up, and showing all the soldiers inside too.
Well, that's how I'd put what I do, at least.

It's not a matter of conquest though. But, rather
than giving time to get used to the idea, you're
simply throwing it all down, and saying, "take me."
Hell, again I'm projecting. Tell me if I'm wrong.



Yep. And it's also safer to throw yourself at
someone, because you don't really face the
full consequences. This goes on both sides.
One can make what would seem like commitment,
and still just walk away. That doesn't happen so easily,
IRL.



I know. And, there are direct actions as well.
Even just a kiss expresses so much, but doesn't
throw down this whole - I want to be with you forever
type of crap. It's merely an extension of what IS.



Depends on the deeper matters. We are
best suited to getting right to them. And this
is ok, for things like politics, or theories. I think
it's an error, when professing your feelings. By
jumping into deep conversations, at least you are
finding someone who is similar of mindset.

I don't assume that the other person will take me right then and there. But it never crossed my mind, until now, that this specific action would lower their affections. My thought was that once the communication path is open, an exchange of desires and wishes would happen... where the resulting communication would lower or raise affections based on each others thoughts.

Perhaps my approach works better on those a tad more lonely. And with those who have experienced the pain of rejection at least a couple of times...

I don't know. When I think about what
I do/did, I'm pretty sure it would scare
the s**t out of ME.

I would have returned something, in my
loneliness, so ultimate harm wouldn't
have happened, but it would have been
too much at once.

Still, I knew this, but so no other way
to proceed, and maintain my honor.
It wasn't the 'tactic' that I wanted to
use - though I did end up with odd
hopes that 'twould work better than
the cautious approach, I never would
have selected it, BUT for the fact that
I felt I had told an untruth. Other times,
'twas desperation - telling someone before
I lost all contact.

I'll bite

It's similar but kind of different for me. I'm too afraid to tell them when I think they have the same mutual feelings, but if I believe they don't feel the same and I don't have a chance I spill it all out freely with little anxiety, almost like to a good friend I would say anything to. But that just repels/scares them even more. It is like I'm programmed to repel the opposite sex, in any romantic form. It is probably a deep unconscious fear of any sort of relationship. My actions are controlled by my fears. It is a sign of poor self-control of my part. Most of the time it happens when I am tired, which I usually am.


It is kind of like a game. If I naturally and desire to show affection and the other doesn't reciprocate. I know they don't feel the same way. I feel I should back off or change the way I am presenting myself, which just leads to confusion on my part, and I end up coming off as a jerk. If I had a relationship where we had work a system of affection, that isn't love. But it is probably different for aspies, perhaps, not sure.


Long winded here *huff*. I was always weary of communicating via email. It mucks up the natural flow.
Plus any misunderstandings and offenses simmer for a long while, and eat away at the person. Giving too much time to think. Until the next time they get an email and any misunderstandings get be corrected. However most of the time misunderstandings go unnoticed and never get corrected, just tainting relations even more.

Though in face to face interaction, these can be corrected very quickly and little harm is done. This is especially important among aspies.

Humans evolved to court face to face, not through computers..


Indeed. Obsession is saturated with fear and anxiety. If it gets to this point, having a decent conversation would be near impossible.

Another reason is that obsessing over somebody leads to extravagant daydreams and fantasies about obsession. We fall in love with the version of obsession that is in our head, not the true person. If decent communication ever happened in the future, expectations would be too high and disappointment would be hard to avoid. Unless you seriously tone down thoughts and feelings for obsession, somehow.

[sigh] i feel you.

They make a pill for that, though. Seriously, it's called an SSRI, and not only does it help with obsessing, it also curbs anxiety and depression. Bonus: kills your sex drive.