sex and the aspie woman

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i dunno if i'd say im picky... but im persistent at least...

i'll fall for someone over the most illogical instant (and i do remember those instances per person!) and whether it works out or not... i stay in this mode for long time... which is terrible when it doesnt work out... makes me very unreceptive to other dating and really upsets my cycle (pun intended after second thought)

ive been alone for almost 2 yrs and am kinda hanging out with this one guy in my program now... but im just completely turned off with no direct interest towards him for the said reason (that and some awkward "friend" vibes... at least for me)

i'd say i stay a great time in this unreceptive mode and i really don't know how to get out of it... but it's like dating is pointless, no matter how much my senses tell me it's needed... the heart just doesnt respond.

it's because the man is who supposed to start the initiative . An aspie girl just to have pretty enough and problem solved (in having dates ,not in lasting in relationships)

As far as feeling like a deer in headlights dumbfounded for the a response.

I have batteled this alot myself. I have discovered the roots of this reactions stems from childhood situations where I had often said things that would hurt or upset people. Not knowing what I did or said wrong. It traumatized me and made me unable to speak spontaneously to new people for fear of scorn or ridicule.

All I know to tell you is if you are uncomfortable, then you should flee the situation. Just get the girls e-mail address or myspace before you go. It is too easy for people with as to get overwhelmed with social stress and this is way too exhausting, draining, and it can lead to depression. Small doses is really all we can handle sometimes.

I have much better luck getting to know someone a little in IM then meeting in person. But then again, im a total chat geek and don't care what people think about me anymore. So this may not work for everyone.

I think this is a myth, and one that ends up making poor, literal-minded aspie guys screw themselves over. They think there is supposed to be this key dangerous moment, in which the guy puts himself out there and says (totally unsure of what the outcome will be) "will you go out with me?" or "I am in love with you" or whatever.

No, no, no! And NO.

In almost all situations, I'd say that the guys make themselves available in subtle ways and the girl chooses. This doesn't involve some embarrassing leap on the man's part. If one of those poor blokes makes himself available in a non-subtle way ("omg take me now!!!11"), it's highly unlikely that he will be chosen. I tried that approach only once and let me tell you, it's unsuccessful even for girls. In the best and most fulfilling situations, the man takes a step closer, the woman takes a step closer, the man takes a step closer .... figuratively, I mean. A little compliment here, a little thoughtful remark there, a little maybe-i'm-flirting-wouldn't-you-like-to-know comment here... Back and forth. I've compared it to dancing, but it's more like table tennis. You can keep hitting balls her way but if she's not hitting them back, there's no game. It's more like.... being stoned to death. By popcorn.

Guys who approach relationships fighting to "win" a girl's favor will always lose. Building up to a relationship (or even a zipless one night stand) requires interaction, please. Not a stealth ninja attack.

^^ i said : 'supposed' ...and i didn't said 'must' ....this is one of the gender roles and it doesn't make sense, i know .

You have a point but sometimes long-term'interaction' leads to 'friendship' and here the main problem with aspies since they can't differentiate between romantic and friendship signs

Did we just agree?






The situation always changes, too, in the early stages. I don't quite believe in the "friends zone" or ladder, like you've posted about before. When I'm single I'm constantly knocking potentials off the invisible list and musing whether others should be on it instead. All sort of things affect those decisions... I don't think a guy could hope to keep up or try to influence the outcome by some devised method.

Are girls actually hard to read, past high school? In my experience talking to guys about their love troubles, it seems like if a guy has doubts about how the girl feels after a good amount of interaction has taken place, 99% of the time it means "no--she's not interested." Obsession spells doom, unless it develops mutually. Granted, I'm a complete, bizarre weirdo of a girl. But when I'm interested, I test the waters and if the response is positive, he won't be left wondering for long. I'm not hard to read, if I like him. Apparently though, I am very hard to read if I don't.

How does one even know how to work the subtlety? It's not like the whole thing is all intuitive. And the whole situation is dreadful for those who can't read any social cues...

This is the crux of everything that's difficult. You have to know exactly what you are saying and how it will be interpreted. You want to show a little interest, but don't come on too strong. Let her take the first step and control the pace, well if you can't read how she's controlling the pace... you're basically operating blind.

I'm not sure if this is the way all Women work either. I mean you enjoy this approach, but how sure are you that it applies to others? Evidence seems to indicate most women want this a little...

I think there is a moment when a guy is supposed to reveal his feelings... but not until the woman has chosen him at the appropriate level to the feelings.

The woman has to desire the man though, and being available has nothing to do with it.

Well unless she is really lonely or something, I think the situation changes for women who are often rejected by men... do to looks or personality. Of course these women set themselves up to be taken advantage of...

I think that aspie women have an easier time finding someone that wants them, but wants them for what, and for how long?

All that means is that aspie women have an easier time getting into a situation which may be worse than nothing at all. If they have any advantage, it's probably that aspie women tend to have a bit more social skills than aspie men. So if you want a response to "WHY?" that extends beyond increased ability to get into a mess, that would be your answer.

They are very hard to read. I don't know what a "good amount of interaction" means though.

As I've talked about before, some girls who I tutor start acting very favorably towards me. Others don't.

And as you say, you test the waters... and if you get a good response he won't be wondering. What if you don't get a good response? What if the guy doesn't even know how to give a good response? What if the guy fails to even notice your response? What if the guy gives a good response but too late?

You write as if it's so easy, but it's not easy at all. I think all the doubts are inevitable when you have difficulties reading social cues.

That's the biggest problem imo. If I had a kernel for every time I was hit on and didn't realize it, or realized it after the fact, I don't think I'd whine as much about my lack of a love life. Or, at least not have whined as much in the past. I've got bigger fish to fry now.

Sounds familiar.
Actually, contrary to what some have said, I tend to go for the quiet type who stand out in some odd way. 'normal' bores me. 'Outgoing' tends to turn me off instantly if it is in a big way.

I think eccentricity and something undefinable is the first thing I will fall for.
As to women having it easier, not so if they have a very limited palate for who they can come to love.

It's easier for NT women to get sex or dates than it is for NT men, too.

In fact, I'd suspect it's easier for aspie women than for NT men.

In general, men are the pursuers, we are the pursued. It was ever thus.

What of all the women who aren't pursued?

Do they even exist?

They go unnoticed to many, it's true. But not all.

Well I certainly do have a pronounced macho side but Im also introverted and intense. A lot of women, Especially younger women in their 20s Really seem to be intimidated by that. They expect macho guys to be socially easy goind, otherwise macho men are percieved as a threat. In fact, the guys that women like most are not macho but they are extroverted and socially easy-going. Women frequently say they want guys who "dont take themselves too seriously" because for some odd reason men who arent constantly telling jokes and being entertaining are seen as hard to relate to. Thats one thing about women that I really dont like: you girls are just SO DAMN social! ALL the time. One big advantage to online dating is that women online are more likely to take the initiative-as much so as men. I wish I had better means of finding women who really arent social. I cant stand the extroverted, fun-loving, flippant types.

Hey I act like this. Not macho, easy going, likes to tell jokes... I might actually be more attractive than I think I am...

Introverted and intense seems like a strange combination.

Intensity and passion appears to be a point of attraction though... definitely something you can work with.