What does love mean to an Aspie?

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gez, i see your problem. had the same, just from the other side.

its a bit problematic to make statements on what love is, as everyone only can know it from him/herself, but to me, love is a most strong feeling... id wager the thought that love to an aspie is a much closer thing than to some nts (oh, *whine* my boy/girlfriend ditched me, im so sad, lets go out the weekend... and magically, they are in love with a new person after three days of grief - i dont think you're likely to be that replaceable for an aspie who loves you).
the huge problem is that the likes of us tend to have problems with the ability to communicate these things - and arising from these problems are often huge insecurities about the whole matter.

another facet of the companion thing is (from my point of view, again) that love to me is more than just sexual attraction. love includes great friendship and hence, the desire to also do friend/companion things with each other without the felt need to tell everyone in the world that we are a couple (insecurities, again or just the lack of need for communicating such a personal thing). i remember having quite huge differences with my ex girlfriend over things like these... i didnt see why people need to know about such intimate things - which she interpreted in a way that i dont love her enough to show the whole world, but rather see it as something embarrassing.

so, i guess at the core of it, your (both of you) problem is much more a problem of communication than one of feelings.

In terms of my take on love, my marriage has on several occasions come to breaking point because I am cursed with an inability to focus on those around me. Aside from those initial sex-fueled days at the start of the relationship, the 'love' has changed over the years in to a platonic, symbiotic existence (which I'm sure happens in many NT/NT marriages too).

'Love' feels like a hidden room in my brain, behind a door that can be opened only periodically with a huge application of force or focus. It's a transient feeling, not an all-pervading one. Same for my feelings of love of close family too.

What makes me so mad with myself is that I need to be reminded that I 'love' my wife [she's an amazing woman and damned tolerant]. She has become part of my daily routine, so much so that I need to be nagged in to doing 'romantic' things - I very rarely do it without reminders She wants to be loved (can't blame her for that) and I feel like that's what I'm doing simply being there with her through life, but to an NT that's not enough... Love to her, I'm working out, is sexual, starry-eyed and all-pervading. What a load of Hollywood buncum. I don't understand how the weekly purchasing of flowers from the local convenience store can be symbolic of an ever-lasting commitment? Likewise, going out for dinner? (Sit across a table and make small talk - I can do that any time I like at home!) Why would I want to go away for a 'romantic' short break and spend the weekend making out in a tacky hotel or holding hands on the beach ? For me, working together on a worthwhile project, simply being close to each other and sharing something slightly out of the ordinary (but constructive) is a much better and more cerebral use of the time. And the closeness re-unites the relationship - love, in other words. But she'd rather hold my hand on a tropical beach.

Man, this is desperately revealing, isn't it?! Ok, I'm not spontaneous <shivers at the thought> and can't find the right words to flatter her and make her look special, but I try. When she asks my opinion on her clothes or hair, for example, I give it factually without dressing the words up - and she perceives this directness with its lack of adoration adjectives as coldness. Damned hard as an Aspie to understand the impact of our clinical take on life and the difficulty that living and loving us must create.

What's interesting is that I have a totally different love for our children. Their emotional needs are so much more obvious to me...

I guess my Aspie love is very self-centred and is related to my loved ones stepping in to my world and interacting with me in that, and I'm afraid that a 35 year-old NT woman is not that interested in playing a flight simulator or talking about protein synthesis.

Yes, love sometimes means you give to the other person what she needs even if it does nothing for you. And not like a martyr either.

Oxytocin

Love means to aspies whatever it means to everyone else.

I can wholeheartedly and without any kind of doubt say that love IS a concept of a person with Asperger's Syndrome. I can't tell you it's important to everyone, but it's extremely important to some.

Love is really everything that matters to me. Well, love and philosophy. Love, to me, is... being able to truly trust someone, let them be a major part of your life, being able to say and do anything with them, having someone appreciate your quirks and your strenghts alike... Love is always hard to explain, but it burns the soul of an autist as it burns the soul of a neurotypical person... I'm a prolific poet.

Obviously, a lot of different people want a lot of different things in life, but I can tell you that there's a good chance your boyfriend needs love as much or more than you do. He probably doesn't know how to show it, though, and once he does know how to show it he'll probably show it the same way most of the time. I have a hard time telling someone I love them without either writing them a poem, giving them something expensive, or simply saying the words. I simply can't think of more things to say. Hehe.

The key is honesty. Honesty always works with Asperger's Syndrome. Playing games rarely works.

You don't know that.

What you do know is that you're not getting the normal signals that tell you you're appreciated. That may be because he's aspie.



"Should" has nothing to do with this. You have a right to feel the way you do.



He's aspie. Therefore, he's probably logical.

Point out to him that you are NOT a man, and therefore can hardly be expected to act like one.

If he wants to date someone who acts like a man, he shouldn't be dating a woman. Yes?



No, you're just being NT.

Ask him if he loves you. That wouldn't work with an NT man. But since he's aspie, he'll probably tell you the truth.

If he balks, tell him you need to know.

Be prepared to be hurt. If he doesn't love you or doesn't know, he'll probably end up saying so.

Ah ha ha

Ah ha ha, ha ha ha

Understatement of the Year

Someone phone the Committee!!

hear, hear!