how to get a girl who's way out of your league

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Pugly
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20 Nov 2007, 1:16 am

gwenevyn wrote:

Guys who make too many sacrifices for women in order to be accomodating seem to build up a grudge or a feeling of being "owed" something for their efforts--probably because that's how they're thinking of it. He does her a "favor" by pretending to agree with her on something and he expects her to repay the favor by staying with him. Being accomodating isn't nice if it doesn't come from the heart and it has a bunch of strings attached.

That ultra accommodating nature is just awkward to be around.

As a guy, I've experienced it once from a girl... and it did make me uncomfortable. On the one hand it's nice... but I keep wondering in the back of my head... is she expecting more of me? Will this disparity blow up everything... the relationship eventually fizzled... I think this contributed.

I'm nice and all, but I'm not wiling to meet the girl at the level of accommodation and giving she's offering. Especially so quickly in the relationship...(plus it was an online long distance thing... so it was extra bizarre...)

She said she was okay with it... but it just didn't seem like she was being honest about it.

I'm actually paranoid of people who are very giving for no obvious reason. Especially when other actions suggest otherwise.

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yesplease
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20 Nov 2007, 1:57 am

alex wrote:

I have a girlfriend but this might be useful to those of you who are currently single...

Only if we're single and would rather not be.

Pugly
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20 Nov 2007, 2:09 am

yesplease wrote:

alex wrote:

I have a girlfriend but this might be useful to those of you who are currently single...

Only if we're single and would rather not be.

Isn't that kind of obvious?

This is the love and dating section. :wink:

I don't know if there are guides out there on how to stay single...

Kurtz
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20 Nov 2007, 2:52 am

gwenevyn wrote:

That was me down cold.

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Apollyon
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20 Nov 2007, 3:43 am

Space wrote:

Well said. Most women hate honestly. If you want to end the date, just be honest and be yourself. :roll:

Of course they'll never admit to this...

OFF TOPIC
I am suddenly reminded of being dragged to look at tacky wedding dresses with a former friend. I was promptly asked (or rather, ambushed) the cliched "does this dress make me look fat?" question.

Do not ever answer this question. There is absolutely no right answer; It's a TRAP!

Needless to say, this person was quick to point out how mean I am. :twisted:

yesplease
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20 Nov 2007, 3:51 am

Pugly wrote:

Isn't that kind of obvious?

This is the love and dating section. :wink:

Not necessarily. For instance, I read this forum because I'm interested in learning about dating/social interaction and alla that, but I have no desire to date in the foreseeable future.

Or maybe I'm just being too ASD about this. The NT thing to do would be to make the common assumption, vera?

Pandora
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20 Nov 2007, 7:44 am

Kurtz wrote:

gwenevyn wrote:

That was me down cold.

See, if a guy goes on about how accommodating and "nice" he is, he could be quite emotionally manipulative and expect quid pro quo from the woman not once but many times over.

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yesplease
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20 Nov 2007, 7:51 am

Pandora wrote:

See, if a guy goes on about how accommodating and "nice" he is, he could be quite emotionally manipulative and expect quid pro quo from the woman not once but many times over.

Could be. Or maybe he's sincerely nice. Or maybe he's acting differently than he normally does to engender a response. Or... etc... YMMV

Pandora
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20 Nov 2007, 7:53 am

But a sincerely nice guy doesn't keep going on about how ungrateful his girlfriend or wife is.

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yesplease
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20 Nov 2007, 8:24 am

I suppose it depends on how we view obnoxious/whiny and nice. I mean, people can complain and still be nice IMO, so someone can be nice and play the world's smallest violin.

Pandora
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20 Nov 2007, 9:37 am

Depends: if they just do it now and then it's not so bad but if they're continually whinging about it I'd feel like saying don't go out with that person anymore and look for someone who would be more appreciative.

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Snowfern
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20 Nov 2007, 9:57 am

i actually read through the whole instructable, and found it to contain really good advice. gwenevyn has pretty much summed up how and why i agree with it.

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jfberge
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20 Nov 2007, 10:23 am

gwenevyn wrote:

I'd like once again to note that I've known many guys who complain about being rejected for being "too nice" but are in reality sadly mistaken about how they come across to women. They're actually rejected because women think they're jerks.

I'd agree with that. I've known a few guys who have a viewpoint that love is some type of barter. If they do what they think are the "right" things, the girl should recognize that and be devoted to them. When that doesn't happen, they get bitter. No one should think that they're owed anything, particularly love, for being a nice person. Love isn't a fungible item, it's something very individual and invaluable. My ex used to ask why I loved her, as if there should be some list of qualifiers and reasons. She couldn't accept that that I simply did, for no defensible reason.

jfberge
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20 Nov 2007, 10:35 am

Spot17 wrote:

I've been really bummed the last few days and this just made me realize some stuff.

I was a bit worried that my post would be taken as a "women suck" moment after I'd posted it, but I was more trying to say that women often devalue themselves, usually without realizing it, and it manifests in them dating guys who are withholding and unappreciative. Glad to hear I wasn't totally off base, though sorry to hear you're bummed. From what you've said in other posts, you sound like you're making some positive changes and taking charge of things.

shadexiii
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20 Nov 2007, 11:19 am

Apollyon wrote:

It's a TRAP!

(ok, I'm done derailing this thread. These aren't the droids you're looking for. He can go about his business. Move along. )

Spot17
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20 Nov 2007, 1:47 pm

jfberge wrote:

Spot17 wrote:

I've been really bummed the last few days and this just made me realize some stuff.

Thanks, I'm trying, but things get a bit hard to deal with at times. What I got out of your post is exactly what you said above. I think instead of trying to figure out how we can attract someone of the opposite sex, we should all be concentrating on how to improve our lives and be happier with ourselves. The right people will be attracted to you if you love yourself.

I've been bummed about the fact that I'm pretty mind blind when it comes to guys I'm interested in. I realize now that it doesn't really matter - If I'm interested in a guy and he treats me in a way that makes me feel badly, I should walk away.

This applies to anyone actually, friends as well as romantic interests. It's all just a matter of taking care of yourself and expecting the people around you to treat you well (not being over-accommodating, but treating you like they would like to be treated themselves).

Last edited by Spot17 on 20 Nov 2007, 7:28 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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