Calling all undamaged females... Anyone?

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As children, both women and men are vulnerable to abuse of any kind (as you know). Both of my parents went through quite of bit of crap when they were young and, as a consequence, raised me in a very sheltered environment. Compounded with my AS (if I have this), I'm a pretty naive guy.


The up side with your experiences is that you are wiser with the ways of the world. Just don't go nuts about it if you ever find yourselves raising kids.

It's like a battlefield isn't it?

Half of us are either the walking wounded or dealing with scars....some are just walking through the debris with our eyes closed waiting for the next blast.

It's hard to not dictate your future by your memories of the past. Still trying to achieve that goal fully myself some days...an erase button would've been easier...but I'm sure I wouldn't have learned anything then.

There are survivors out there I'm sure though Icarus.

Good luck in your quest.

I resent the statement that many young women have baggage...it there something wrong with me that I have never done any
drugs, do not smoke, or engage in heavy drinking until I am drunk to brag about it? Nor do I throw myself at just any guy.
I am not "damaged" by my Asperger's Syndrome...but, I accept my limitations and try to make my life better in spite of it.

I was raised on good, solid Christian values, assist people in need when they cross my path in life and attempt to make some kind of contribution to society than become a burden on the US taxpayer. I have no baggage...and I seem to be one of the few people who represents good breeding.

But, I do have HIGH standards...and will not settle for just any Tom, Dick or Harry.

My sample set is very tiny, but the 4 or so girls I've tried to start a relationship with all had something messed up in their past.

It would seem like many of my Friend's wives don't have any thing in the past. But I don't know them that much, these issues tend to stay hidden.

What makes me a tad angry(which if you know anything about me, means that I'm really upset about it... I rarely get angry) about the whole thing is that most of the time these girls choose to be with these terrible guys, and then they reject me for some unknown reason. It's very hard to reconcile this.

I'm not saying it's the girls fault though. But there seems to be an allure or something to a guy that can potentially harm them...

It just is that if you are attractive and available and a woman... guys will want to take advantage of you.

Christian values can sometimes be a hindrance on finding that one special person...

Take me, for example. I'm 19, and I practically live at my church doing stuff to help out over there (office work, working with kids, choir, managing the technological department, going on work trips, etc.) There's only about 4 other people in the age range of 18-30, and they're all men... I'm not going to go to any bars or clubs because I get overwhelmed by the atmosphere there, and my school is a 4:1 male:female ratio, with most of the women around being 30+ years old and finishing a degree on night classes...

So yeah, my main problem in finding women is the fact that there are no women around that are close to me in age for me to associate with... doesn't mean I'm just going to abandon my education or spend less time at the church, though...

seems to me that a woman who has experienced some of those nasties in common with you but has (as someone here has already said) dealt with them well would be the best kind of person to understand you and give you nurture.

sometimes i think that the difficulty in these areas of relationships has its roots in how the different genders are culturally 'permitted' to talk about these things. a woman might tell you quite early on in meeting about her being abused (men do this very rarely). i think that happens to aspies a lot because we can give off a 'safe vibe'. in many ways it is actually a privilaged position to be in.

i think that women sometimes use this information about themselves to test the ground with a man to try to see if his response is protective or if he sympathises with the abuser (note - this doesn't work very well if you are bad at reading people)

i have done this myself and i know it to have been a mistake, it has slowly drained any chance of romance because your vulnerabilities are not the first thing someone should know about you.

sorry, i am rambling a bit. hope this makes some sense.

Thank you, all, for sharing your thoughts with me. There are so many wonderfully insightful notions for me to consider here. This community is awesome. And, damn the youth (including me ) for co-opting the word awesome and making it common place. Awesome in the more traditional sense; inspiring of awe. You all have managed to re-kindle my dwindling faith in humanity, just by sharing your thoughts with me.

In retrospect, it was a ridiculous thing for me to ask; it was more of a rhetorical WTF? moment than anything else. I just was suddenly desperate to hear some female say she hasn't received horrible mistreatment from a man. The culmination of my thoughts were making me feel ashamed... Ashamed to be a man... Ashamed to be human. I do not like feeling ashamed, especially over things I had no part in. I guess what I was really asking for was just a molecule of reassurance. And I got it; just not in the way for in which I asked.

Human relationships are complex. Aspie relationships are even more complex. I suppose the whole damage thing struck me as yet another layer of complexity on an already complex complex thing, one which I have not yet learned how to compensate for gracefully. And I felt compelled to lash out at it. I'm still learning about how humans work; I suppose that is a lesson that will never end.

It is interesting to note the notion of a "healed" female that AliceinOz introduced; there is a difference between "damaged" and "broken", though there is also some blur. As an interesting point of fact, now that I think past my nose, some of the girls I mentioned do fall into that "healed" and strong category; and in fact I have faith that all of them will make it there someday, if they haven't already.

And to explicitly re-iterate, my own quest for a mate is not about finding someone who is undamaged; that is not the question I asked. I feel compelled to quote myself, and emphasize:

We're all damaged to some extent. Some are simply better at hiding it, and can repress certain things, but it inevitably catches up to them.. Even these seemingly "strong" girls. Sometimes they're the most damaged and the most broken of them all, underneath, though as others said-- of course you can heal. We're all very complex creatures indeed.. It's beautiful and terrifying all at the same time.
Arg.. I think I lost whatever point I was trying to make, soo.. *ahem*

We're damaged people
Drawn together
By subtleties that we are not aware of
Disturbed souls
Playing out forever
These games that we once thought we would be scared of

When you're in my arms
The world makes sense
There is no pretense
And you're crying
When you're by my side
There is no defense
I forget to sense
I'm dying

We're damaged people
Praying for something
That doesn't come from somewhere deep inside us
Depraved souls
Trusting in the one thing
The one thing that this life has not denied us

When I feel the warmth
Of your very soul
I forget I'm cold
And crying
When your lips touch mine
And I lose control
I forget I'm old
And dying

Icarus, you certainly started the ball rolling...
I have to let you into a little secret - I am perfect
ROTFL
Let me catch my breath....

Anyway, its not baggage that's the problem - its whether it's YSL or a Kmart duffle bag

Personally, I go for the girl with the duffle bag. Dressing your baggage up doesn't make it lighter.

Screw that... I'm getting the one that has the suitcase with rollers...

you show me an undamaged girl and ill show you a guy who actually knows what he wants