Date gift

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Hey merr, you joined WP on my birthday Chocolates are just too cliche for me. I'm not a normal person, so why should I do something normal like that ? A good idea, just not "me".

The fruit is an awesome idea. The venue for the date doesn't seem appropriate for fruit. i.e. not a place where you'd eat it, and if you can't eat it there, seems not quite right to me. Problably not the right way to look at it, but I will definitly keep that in mind! (and I'm still mulling it over too).

I'm thinking getting the catnip mice for both of her cats. Along the same lines as "it'll make her think of me", whenever the cats play with them, and she mentioned they don't have toys - she uses Christmas ribbons. So it's not completely random. It doesn't say "bribe" since it's sorta not for her. And they're only a couple bucks each Any horrible faux pas in that?

Assuming there is one, next date maybe fruit

*points at himself*

Im the gift

I'm suddenly reminded of that SNL skit "d*ck in a box". But I wouldn't recommend that one before the third date.

I agree that this sounds like something from several generations ago. Its something people just dont do now. I have never given a gift to a girl on the first date, nor would I normally even pay for the date. But its really up to you

The social norm is to bring nothing. Do not bring a gift, it only advertises the fact you are desperate, which will make you seem less attractive to her on a subconscious level. If you like, I can explain how these cues work - it originates from a heuristic our brain takes, the same one that makes the higher priced version of two identical wines taste better. (Citation)

I would just like to add, though, that there is a continuum here: "doing the harmless thing that I am compelled to do that is outside the social norm yet that feels like an integral extension of myself" and "acting just like everyone else" and each of us (assuming that each of us has studied human behavior and can approximate "acting just like everyone else") has to find that part of the continuum that provides the most happiness.
Or, to put it another way, who wants to date (spend a lot of time and emotional energy on)someone that thinks their real self is weird? Better to find out right away.
Obviously this is a larger issue than a wrapped-up tchotchka.

"Real self" is an illusion. People only take actions (any action, like showering) because they want to achieve goals. Why continue to use the strategies you've always used if they're not getting you want you want?

:points at penis: Theres the prize!

I agree, that would be third date, though I have purchased such gifts before


Honestly, I don't like this way of thinking. Frankly, no matter how much out of vogue kindness and/or consideration may be, I try to be considerate, if not always kind. If either is viewed as a weakness in a potential partner, then I will resign myself to be nice and alone.

Actually, the situation has now changed. The date has been postponed. She was in an accident, and she now has to deal with insurance and has back issues and stuff.

As such, someone who isn't "Real" has conflicting actions based on different preferences WRT goals. In other words, their goals/actions change more than usual.

A good entrepreneur studies well a prototype product before investing anything in it (I can hear the girls here shouting::"You are comparing us with a prototype product ?? you as*hole! ! !!")



I once gave a girl 5 flowers : 4 real and 1 plastic ...she asked why the plastic flower and I told her that once all of the 5 flowers die I would stop loving her. Sadly , even the plastic flower was damn killed by her later .... but surely this trick can melt the heart of every girl (didn't understand why ..honestly..girls are weird.)


And once I gave a flower and a spoon , she asked me why the spoon and I told her so she can stir my feelings toward her (ok this has a meaning in my native language that can't be really translated) .....another stupid trick that make girls say 'awww' (I dunno what this 'awww' supposed to mean)


You can use these stupid tricks ...they are not copyright protected ...but surely not on a first date ..and not even 2nd or 3rd...maybe after a month of dating at least.

It's very possible to be kind and considerate without bringing a gift. Why do you assume it is impossible?

Also notice you have 8 different posters in this thread who have advised that you don't bring a gift. 3 that say you should. Why ask for advice if you're only looking for affirmation of what you've already decided?

I think you should listen to viska.

If a guy who didn't know me very well brought me a gift on a first date, I would be disappointed and feel like he was trying to impress me with stuff. That last part is borderline offensive.

Also, my experience has always been that guys who show up with gifts on the first date turn out not to be as nice on a daily basis as those who show up without, so I'd be prejudiced against a dude who shows up at my house for the first time with random stuff I don't want.

If we've been talking or been friends for a long, long time before meeting or going on a date, then a token present is a very thoughtful gesture. It should be something special/meaningful to the giver or recipient--not some cutesy dust-catcher from the Hallmark store. One of the best gifts I ever got was a mix cd. It probably cost him 50 cents to make, but he spent time on it and picked out songs that he thought I'd like. I've been listening to it for eight years now! But even that is something I really don't want from some guy I met a week ago unless we've really hit it off in a magical way.

It's neat what you're trying to do and I understand why, but I don't think it will have the desired effect unless she's really into cliches. Some women are. But not many these days.

This times a million. You don't have to bring a present to be yourself, all you have to do is be there, being your kind, considerate self.

I would see the present as too much pressure. This is a first date - I've not made up my mind if I like you that much yet. You're putting pressure on me (by giving an incentive) to find that I do. Women tend not to react well to pressure.

If you must bring a present, why not wait until date two or date three, by which point you'll have talked more and can choose something more suitable?

Most of these replies about why not to bring a gift are rather saddening. Are women so insecure that a token gift would pressure you to do something you don't want to? Do most women view men as so pathetic as to show desparation by buying something for a couple bucks? The dating described herein is something that I will not debase myself with. I neither know, nor understand, what the rules are. If a woman likes me, I will go on a date, and be myself (assuming I'm not overly nervous - aqnd even then I will be my real nervous self). I will not hide who I am to impress her. She will see me for who I am, and if she chooses to reject me on those grounds, then at least I can walk away knowing she made a choice between me or not me, as opposed to making a choice between one facade or another. Unfortunately, it is apparently highly possible that in such a case, it was not I who would be rejected, but my forfeiting the game due to not playing by the rules correctly.

It is possible to be considerate without giving a gift, or to be myself without one. However, if I feel like giving a gift, but don't because it's against the rules, I am not being myself. If I choose not to give one because I may appear desparate or imply that I think she's so cheap that she can be pressured with a trincket, then the same could be said for doing any courtesy. Is holding the door open for someone merely a desparate plea for sex? If so, I am most interested in the elderly, handicapped, or anyone carrying a lot of stuff. Dating is nothing more than carefully choreographed deciet following unwritten social rules, many of which are arbitrary or even senseless.

As riverotter says: "...there is a continuum here: 'doing the harmless thing that I am compelled to do .... feels like an integral extension of myself' and 'acting just like everyone else' and each of us has to find that part of the continuum that provides the most happiness. ... who wants to date someone that thinks their real self is weird? Better to find out right away." If I'm weird for giving a girl a fake mouse filled with cat aphrodisiac, it is not the weirdest thing about me. And if I loose the game for not following the rules, that's fine too, since I am unwilling to play with my emotions or the emotions of others.