Overcoming the Aspie Disadvantage in Romance

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I'm not the kind of guy who can go for text-only "relationships." If I don't meet her in person fairly soon, I won't be interested. (I know it's common for many aspies to "date" people across the country over IM and e-mail, but I won't consider this.)

This method assumes there are female acquaintances I see around regularly. I don't (that's an unfortunate consequence of working in an industry that's well known for being highly concentrated with the male geek). I'm really not phased by rejection since I've been rejected countless times in the past. I'm also not afraid of approaching and talking to a woman. Back in college, I did it a ton (and would even get up and walk right over to another table in the cafeteria if things didn't go well with the first batch of women). The problem is getting women to respond and become interested.

NeantHumain - I am so sorry, misinterpretation has occured! I honestly did not mean to offend - at all! I was totally kidding about the sandwich, trying to lighten the situation since you felt so sad. NeantHumain - I like you and I wanted to make you feel better....I am so sorry - really. No offense, please do not be upset. I truly meant nothing bad. Mea Culpa....

I feel awful about the misinterpretation still - NeantHumain, please forgive, not my intent to offend. I think you have much to offer, including your sense of humor! I was trying to appeal to that side of you, not be upsetting. I never would hurt you, or anyone.

Just because you look sexy in your lab coat doesn't mean you can make fun of us guys.

I wasn't making fun....I didn't meant to be misinterpreted. I like NeantHumain's sense of humor and was responding in kind. I am so sorry. Please don't be upset since I didn't mean to offend anyone - really.

I like Aspies and their honesty - I think that appeals to any and all females. I hope NeantHumain forgives the misinterpretation part. I do not tease and I wouldn't tease. Some posts are playful and that's how I responded. I have no ulterior motives or anything. So sorry if previous post sounded 'wrong,' didn't mean to. I am very sensitive and wouldn't hurt another - ever.

Sort-of related: Last night/this morning I had a serious meltdown/seizure and I was trying to make the situation lighter/easier, not complicated. I know dating is hard - I am beyond shy myself.

I was just being playful in my above post. I know you weren't making fun. Some of us guys are just very sensitive on this issue. I hope you're feeling better today.

Your right in that far too many NT guys even are enslaved and miserable - he (we all) have had too hard and long of lives to put ourselves in a bad situation in the long haul. On the other hand though, while the right girl will give him a second look, that's about as far as it goes - if he's not ready (and especially if he's unpracticed) that opportunity will slide right by as well.

Thank you and I feel better except I hope NeantHumain, whom I've always liked, isn't upset with me......

I guess, as to OP - I don't think Aspies necessarily have a disadvantage! I know some don't like our social kindergartenerness, if I said that right, but we have what many do not: Honesty, loyalty, & our sense of humor. This is what matters in a long-term relationship. If any female doesn't like you (Aspie men), they just don't know what they're missing.

Many Auties/Aspies have great relationships, but there is that initial hard part. That can be ameliorated through education and understanding communication style difference.

I think all you can really do is learn how to shop as best you can yourself - figure out what sorts of traits make a woman more inclined toward a guy who's more cerebral and less typical gender-role male, figure out which of those lead to desctructive relationships and which lead to healthy ones, and try to figure out what sort of personality someone like that would have.

I'll tell you a story about myself here - I was on eharmony for the last year or so and I had a profile that established "Yes, I'm cool, I'm in control with life, I'm doing well, but I'm also different - not in a bad way, more just intellectual and artistic". The contacts I received were sometimes from women who I felt I could have interest in back, sometimes not, but the overwhelming thing I noticed was a certain brittleness about the fact that I'm still a guy, still have a bit of a cynical sense of humor on some things, still hang with my friends and do guy things, and while I thought that would be an inferred thing, much to my surprise, it wasn't. A lot of women, at least in their 20's, seem to be personality purists - almost like if they want a guy who doesn't fit the typical role of what a guy is supposed to be (I'd say almost by our global culture at this point) then they want him to be a pure element of one thing or another. I will admit, my experiences could be a bit stilted and I've found out almost everywhere I go - I'm that much of a singularity that I'll vex almost anyone who isn't a guy, but for what its worth conformity either to gender role or conformity in all aspects - thoughts, feelings, beliefs, styles, seem to be almost an absolute necessity (free thinkers not so much in demand).

My closing advice, all that said, is try to figure out how much change you can make and still be happy with life, happy with yourself, etc. If you realize that working within the confines of that nothing will ever work - well, try to bury the grass is greener outlook and think about the fact that you may well be better off single in the long haul. Just find ways to make yourself happy, find ways to self-improve, and yeah, do things that make you attractive but also to remind you that your single on our own terms rather than having it be something that's really out of your control. I think almost any of us could do well if someone was able to do brain surgery, isolate the areas where our personalities lie, cut them out, and replaced them with a personality that fits perfectly with what we look like and perfectly - all of us would be datable; trouble is if we try to bend or break ourselves into that, we not only won't be happy, but we won't even be able to do it right - we'll just make ourselves physically and mentally ill from our efforts.

Y'know, there's an old saying- "you'll find love when you're not even looking for it." My former counselor explained what this means: You're looking for traits A, B, & C, yet if you're so desperate to find love, you'll overlook traits D, E, & F. And you'll find that you HAVEN'T really gotten what you wanted- you just THOUGHT you did.

Most people already do that- and they're in the position for it to happen; they're completely desirable due to NT; we Aspies aren't. Because of that, there's a divorce rate exceeding 50% in the USA alone.

Well, all those wrong ones who'd be magnetically attracted to all the OTHER wrong ones WON'T be attracted to you because of it- what a hassle that saved you, because YOU have Asperger Syndrome. Believe me- is it more important to have someone NOW who over time will wind up being a disaster, and was never right...or is it more important to wait to find that right one? Remember, quality over quantity.

Overall, interesting insights. I guess there is a gap between Aspies and NTs about social elements.

...Could someone let NeantHumain know I am really sorry - I feel sad that he's upset with me. I didn't mean for this misinterpretation to occur. I hope he reads this, or one relays this message.

The problem for me is I meet women in person so rarely. The last time I really talked to a woman was in February. I briefly conversed with a woman at the gym while we were both on treadmills (or I was finished and kind of amazed that she was still going and wanted to know how long she usually runs). My thinking is that I need to meet women more rapidly to find one I may find interesting or compatible. I've mostly been using MySpace for this, but MySpace isn't so good for that.

Let's not forget that men also have higher sex drives to contend with, which makes waiting for perfection unrealistic.

Yeah, that never seems to affect me the way it affects everyone else. Y'got a sex drive? There's free porn/erotica all over the internet. Held me over for the longest time- don' need it now.

I'm an NT who's in love with an Aspie and he says "No romance" and he says he just isn't there now and he doesn't think about me . He says he just doesn't see that changing. We were suppposed to go hiking once and he hurt his foot. His foot got better and he went hiking without me. That really hurt. He says he doesn't even have the time or energy to be friends. I just found out he's aspie and I'm willing to do anything and learn all about it, and I think I could tolerate all the alone time I got, if I just knew he cared about me. But he's just not interested in me.

He's about 50 and I'm 55. But I'm in great shape--way better shape than he is--and I look great in jeans and very young for my age. We share a lot of common interests. The conversation is fun when we're in a group. But we went out once and it was awkward and at the end he seemed like he was just dying to get away. It really hurt. With most people I have easy conversation and fun. I'd be willing to work through that with him, but it seems like he won't even give me a chance.

He knows how I feet about him, because he said, "I don't think I'll ever be able to reciprocate the feelings you obviously have for me." But he's the who "asked me out" first. I put that in quotes, because I wasn't sure it was a date. I turned him down the first time because it seemed like he wasn't attracted to me so why was he asking me out. I thought it would jut bring me emotional pain. And it has. He says he doesn't want to disappoint me, but he already has, big time!! !

I read what you wrote and I am so sorry. However, I am not certain your disappointment and hurt, which are warranted (!), are due to the fact that he's an Aspie. Anyone can behave badly, regardless of neurology - you do not deserve to be so mistreated. I can assure you, many Aspie are kind and sweet - maybe awkward, but that's not necessarily negative, just different. Aspies can actually have tremendous loyalty and unconditional love. I hope your bad experience doesn't propogate a stereotype. I am female but I am very gentle and would never purposely hurt anyone. I will not judge your friend and I know nothing of him either, but I am unsure if his behavior is due to being AS or just his given personality type. Have you thought about......finding a new guy? I'm sure you can find someone nicer and you deserve better.


Sigh....still, I hope NeantHumain reads my apology - I feel sick/awful about the misinterpretation. I truly hope he's not too upset with me still. Someone tell him. I don't usually say, but I cried when I read his response to me when I was kidding with him, just trying to lighten the situation for him. I don't know if I should PM my apology or if that would make him further upset with me. I feel really awful about this. I've always liked him and his sense of humor. I'm even starting to cry right now....