Dating others with mental disabilities.

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That's basically what I'm talking about here. It's far easier to get close to somebody who has issues of their own.

I still am skeptical, simply because of how they live and their personalities.

Keep in mind, I don't automatically love and respect any sap who comes along and says ''I have Asperger's, Autism, Bi-polar-, etc. They need to prove themselves. I sometimes change my mind, but not commonly.

Another thing you need to consider is compatibility, not one person but me has addressed that so far on this thread.
I know for a fact that a lot of you have discriminating tastes, for you to suddenly throw that away and jump into what could be a very uncomfortable situation is rather odd. So NTs have to go through the hoops they don't even want to jump, while miss bi-polar gets a free ride, even if she doesn't like what you like, prone to violent rages, isn't goth, or whatever the heck your stupid christmas list standards are.
Don't think that just because someone has problems, that they are all on the same page as you. That's dumb.

Who said they had fewer hoops to jump through?

The only difference is that there is a greater level of understanding. My standards have never been very exclusive. As long as I can live a certain lifestyle with prospects of a certain type of future, everything is peachy.

I do know others here may have certain standards they hold to, but the only way to get into a loving relationship is to realize which standards are unrealistic, and which should remain out of necessity of compatibility.

Im back but just quickly

I have to express > keep people with mental disabilities away from me because in my experience they are violent which in turn leads me to being violent. My last boyfriend had ADHD and I just got sick of his crap and by hitting him over the head with a heavy based saucepan knocking him out (which put a dent in it) got me into alot of trouble > mind you have I told you what he did...
he's lucky to still be alive

Hi, MisterHeron. (Not sure if I'm doing this right as I've only just this minute registered; but here's my two-penneth-worth anyway...).

I dont' think there's anything wrong with you that you are attracted to people with mental conditions. (Reading between the lines I feel that this is your bottom-line concern.)

I myself am in the process of divorcing a Borderline Personality Disordered male (he's not formally diagnosed but, having studied up on it extensively (needs=must), I am in no doubt that he epitomises the condition in every way, which finally makes total sense of the mess that was our relationship!).

Saying "it doesn't work" out with a BPD is an understatement IMO!! ! Although the initial attraction is created/sustained by the shared POSITIVE traits of the BPD and the Aspie, due to the BPDs Fear of Intimacy co-morbid with Fear Of Abandonment versus the need to (my theory) connect mentally with a romantic partner in such an 'abormally' deep way as to compensate for the inability to connect intimately with all other people in one's life, the BPD/AS relationship will always be of a Push-You/Pull-Me nature. Highly frustrating for both - to the point of being label-able as Toxic. True intimacy can NEVER be comfortably achieved, nor simultaneously. (Having first-handedly experienced such a relationship, I'm sure you can relate to what I'm describing here(?))

<<It's interesting though. Even in the basic attraction phase, I tend to be drawn towards women that have some sort of mental issues. It's not even that they carry a label. It just seems the personality type I'm drawn to seems to always have some sort of medical condition. >>

'Drawn' Schmawn...! Verbal communication is not by any means the only medium through which individuals express themselves. We 'animals' have far many more senses than auditory and optical. In fact, each animal 'speaks' through not only their body-language (itself to the Nth uber-subtle degree), but also via other even more unconscious bodily signals. Even personal scent is 'read' very effectively, thank-you very much (the primitive part of one's brain has had millions of years of practise operating on that base level - LONG before speech came about). Therefore, the woman you find physically attractive on that Looks surface level will be giving out myriad subtle signals that instantaneously tell you (a preview, if you like) that she differs from the norm and in the same or similar way that you do. The chemical and mental compatibility is detected very quickly, in other words.

I also believe it's more than merely mental conditions that are looked down on by those who don't belong to that particular 'club'. People pigeon hole others all the time, and segregate themselves into cliques and sectors in all walks of life - especially when endeavouring to see themselves as superior, special or merely safe (via numbers). Were AS newly declared tomorrow to be a speeded-up progressive human state in terms of the normal evolutionary process (which, interestingly, is exactly what some US psychiatrists are theorising as we speak!) thus Aspies deemed the benchmark in terms of human attributional attainment, then you could bet that those for whom even a whiff of this state of being was unattainable, would still be 'dissing' our condition for all they were worth.

In this high-paced world of ours, people simply don't have time to understand anything/everything that doesn't serve or affect them directly in order to function in a day-to-day way, whether merely in concept or in complexity. Only when it touches them directly and thereby constitutes a personal issue/obstacle which they themselves have to deal with, can they be a*sed to examine it to any meaningful depth. Which is fair enough and the optimally efficient way to live, really.

There is also the issue of Contrasts. If, for example, you were, in yours and others' opinions, obese and facially unattractive, you might not relish the idea of frequenting a beach known for its Claude Van Damme-like bathers, would you. Talk about feeling even fatter/uglier by comparison! Better to stick to The Fat/Ugly Beach, eh? ;-[) So, it's the same when seeking/finding affinity and lack of negative contrast(s) in the mental sense. You are likely to be viewed - both by her and subsequently by yourself - as far less 'weird' in comparison to her...and vice versa (Safety In Numbers).

Re deliberately seeking out people with other mental conditions/disorders/illnesses: I guess it depends upon the condition concerned and how it manifests symptomatically, both in isolation and in interaction with A N Other. However, depending upon degree, I would have thought that AS possibly poses problems enough on its own in terms of outward symptoms and thereby ease of interpersonal functionality, without adding a whole new bag of differing issues and symptoms to the interactional workload, wouldn't you??? You're far more likely to find mutual empathy thus tolerance with someone who shares your own condition, or at least its majority of symptoms, I'd say.

Compatibility means diddly-squat if you ask me (- even if you DON'T, come to think of it :-[)) It's chemistry that counts. Lack of compatibility - e.g. even living in different countries - can be and very often is surmounted very easily. Lack of chemistry, no matter HOW compatible you are on paper, is the bottom-line criterium. ...In fact, the only criterium for a lasting relationship that can overcome life's cr*p. When chemistry is optimum, there - as if by magic - appears your motivation for tolerating ANY differences in personality, opinion, life goals, etc. which cause clashes that would otherwise break another couple who didn't connect in the chemical sense.

Quick note to Cyberman: Everyone has issues, be they of a formally recognised condition or not. Before there was a name for it (or any condition come to that), Aspies pair-bonded with NTs for centuries...since the dawn of mankind, in fact (otherwise, how come we're all here?!). It's called taking the rough with the smooth and tolerating someone's 'bad' side because you feel it's worth your while on the positive side. Everybody is a pain in the a*se in some way or other, and compromises are part and parcel of any successful relationship. However, if one of your foibles is that only you are allowed to drink from your favourite mug lest an Aspie freak-out ensue, another Aspie (of the same/similar level) is likely to understand thus 'emphathise' with that need more easily than someone whose neuroses lie in other very different areas, even if their own strongest foible differs (e.g. the bed must face the door) but they care not which mug they drink out of.

Opinionated enough for ya? I should cocoa!! ! xoxo

There is nothing to say you cant fall in love with other people with mental disabilities. There is nothing to say that 99% of people cant find a loving caring relationship. I never thought i would find someone but i have fallen in love with a lovely young lady now.

Yes she is disabled, but physicaly. She is paralyzed from the waist down but we are still able to have a normal relationship

Id have to agree with everything there, and uh, wow. Any chance you'd be interested in having my kids? (Joking, unless you'd be willing, in which case we should find some way to keep in touch...) To be honest, I don't think a block of text could be made any more attractive than that...

'Have your kids'??? Eh? Do what? I say, 'Eh?!'

Mate - for all I know I could be your mother!! !...I'm certainly bloomin' old enough! (...assuming you were adopted, that is?) (...err...yeah, logic isn't always my strong point - especially when I'm trying not to fall off my chair laughing off the back foot!) But thanks for the massive compliment, young-fella-me-lad :-[) However, rest assured that were I 'into' bits of fluff, I'm sure a highly mature and intelligent young lad like yourself would get speedtracked to the front of the fluff queue by my personal bodyguard
xoxo

PS: I'd like to amend that statement, to: 'you're certainly bloomin' young enough' (ahem).
PPS: "Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-NO!" :-[) (Now look what you've gorn an' done - I can't stop laughing....! !! !!)

Hi ollieholmes,

You said... <<There is nothing to say you cant fall in love with other people with mental disabilities. There is nothing to say that 99% of people cant find a loving caring relationship. I never thought i would find someone but i have fallen in love with a lovely young lady now.
Yes she is disabled, but physicaly. She is paralyzed from the waist down but we are still able to have a normal relationship>>

And our survey said...
I think that's absolutely lovely - congratulations to the pair of you! And is a perfect example of why I'm so proud to be an Aspie. Ain't nuthin' shallow about us lot, is there?!

...Plus, of course, you get the added bonus of the fact she can't run away!! ! (Sorry, sorry!! !, that was really un-PC of me! - it's all MisterHeron's fault for flicking my Black Humour Switch...which sadly has no Off setting I should be alright again by the morning (- all say "phew!").)

No, but, seriously, folks: my own father was physically disabled (clubbed foot, gammy leg, blind in one eye (plastic falsie) and deaf in one ear ....so that means I'm allowed! [insert sticky-outie-tongue/"nyah-nyah!" emoticon].
From my own experience of him and his buddies, I'd say that what people lack in terms of the physical they tend to compensate for through their personality; so I imagine that she is far more stimulating company than a lot of women her age (oui?).

In fact, come to think of it, aren't we ourselves deemed 'disabled'??? I think I even heard not so long ago that those with AS are eligible for a disabled parking sticker (anyone else heard this?). I would apply.... only I need the exercise!....plus I can't be a*sed.

In fact, I myself am very much newly in love - with a new man who has mild AS (I call him Cuspie). His obsession is helicopters and aeroplanes (can identify them from the ground, no matter how high in the sky), whereas mine is Psychology and Psychoanalsysis. So, basically, I analyse his faults and faux pas(es?), neurolinguistically, whilst his response is to immediately look up at the sky and declare loudly, 'That's a thingumywotsit 707, that is'. Perfect match! xoxo

PS: Is this the point where I get banned?

Dear SixLucy,

Good cliffhanger! So...Go on, then - what DID he do??? xoxo

PS: Non-stick?...or is he still wearing it?

Thank you. She is an absoloutle sweetie. I love her to bits. She is certainly more stimulating and intelligent and caring than most people our age. We are the same age, there is less than two months between our birthdays. Im not going to go into the medical side of things as i hav promised her that i wouldnt and anyway it doesnt matter.

Im also plane mad, i spend alot of time with my head in the clouds looking at planes and identifying them. It drives everyone else mad. I dont know much about helicopters myself though.

You 'spend a lot of time with your head in the clouds looking at planes and identifying them'??? WOW! ....and is your new girlfriend equally as tall???! !! ! (I hope you always remember to duck, the pair of you!) (sorry (not) - I'm overtired now (1am in England) and getting hyperactive).

Seriously, I have to say that you 'youngsters' on this board are highly mature for your ages (and they say that Aspies are developmentally ret*d? - pfff! - talk about non-specific generalisation), so I don't doubt that you gf is likewise very emotionally mature too, because Like Attracts Like when a certain level of maturity is reached.

Being able to really talk to each other and gain immense enjoyment from that is, I'd say, paramount in terms of long-term success (the initial physical excitement always naturally fades with time and familiarity), so the fact that you obviously value this relationship characteristic in particular will stand you both in very good stead for your future together. (And, you're right - it doesn't matter in terms of the negative, but it matters a great deal in terms of the positives it brings, doesn't it).

Anyhoo - what exactly IS it about planes? I mean, I can understand my own 32-yr obsession with how the mind works because it's a highly intricate, ever-renewing and complex topic, but I have trouble empathising with my bf's interest in real-life airfix kits, which I'd have thought was much of a muchness from one model to the next (unless Pimping Your Ride applies to Boeing747s as well???). Perhaps you could explain it to me to save me from intermittent mind-numbing perplexity and him from my blank looks? Cheers, mushtie xoxo

I can't help but think of a movie I saw who knows how long ago, as I can no longer remember the name of it. Passenger aircraft fully pimped out. It had a shiny metallic purple coating, and the movie was on black humor, so...

Anyways, that hyperactivity would be very exciting were I to be around it in the morning myself. Definitely would be a reason to keep you up and not let you sleep.

A pimped flight? Now that WOULD be interesting. And were the loos likewise improved ...for the sake of the mile-high-ers? (like taking out the loos for a bleedin' start...I mean - what is so erotic about bonking in a stinky loo???? RSVP anyone (including frequent fliers)).

But, re your "dawn proposal": Mate - were my bf to read that misassumptive comment of yours, he would gaffaw his face off! - HE is the one who's desperate for some sleep. He said I was a nymphmaniac. I replied, 'Shuddup and keep sh*gging, b*tch!"

No, seriously....

(whaddaya waiting for? - that's it ) xoxo

PS: I know how to make you shudder. Go on, ask me how (tip - DO!).

PPS: You're only flirting with me because there's a vast ocean separating us and I can't grab you from here.

PPPS: WTF am I saying???! !! I should be buying you lollipops and wiping your mush with a spit-laden tissue, not flirting back! ("...Young maaaaaan!! !")

lol, if only I could be so fortunate as him. Then again, does he do poly? (JOKING! Or, does that interest you? joking, not, joking, not, hmm, am I or am I not? ) Harmless flirting, I promise. Besides, you may find the youthful vigorous in matters of the, erm, well I assume you know what I mean.

This should get back to the subject at hand, before this thread is derailed beyond saving. (Or is that really a bad thing?)

I think the most incompatible people you could find would be a Borderline Personality Disorder afflicted female and an Aspie man. Things just go horridly wrong, no matter how saintly the intentions of both parties, as I've discovered. An emotional roller-coaster that was... It might have been easier to handle in-person, although I have no idea how that would work, as I've never tried it... In person I either move things too fast and scare somebody off, or move things so slow they assume I think of them as nothing more than a friend. It's quite frustrating...

Qvestions, qvestions.... Hhere arr ze anssers:

1a. No. We discussed that (hypothetically) (and as part of an exploration towards the solution of how he could get more sleep) and he said he'd feel too jealous (- good answer!). Why do you ask? Have my many positive descriptions of him got you going???

1b. Poly? Poly who??? He'd better not or I'll smash 'er face in!! !!

2. No, I have absolutely NO idea what you mean. Please elaborate extensively.

2. (Just testing) No, no harm. This is a chat forum after all, is it not. The harm might, however, come when I eventually tell you how old I am!! !

6. (...and that's another reason why I never sleep - counting sheep is impossible!) (PS: I realise this was a statement rather than a question, however, the implication is that I should agree with you, which makes it a question of sorts (aw, shaadaaap, you verbal-diaorrhea-ed idiot!) (me, I mean). In fact, I don't agree with you about that specific premise based on the gender-to-gender positions:

As I said, the BPD has Fear of Intimacy co-morbid with Fear of Abandonment (both irrational) whereas the Aspie (and your other comment agrees with this by implication) naturally seeks greater mental intimacy than NTs, Now-Now-Now!! !

The Aspie's positive traits keep the BPD hooked and coming back for more, however, they are always trying to keep the Aspie at arm's length (their optimum comfort level of intimacy, i.e. very little in real terms) whilst at the same time keeping a firm grip on them to avoid the literally terrifying abandonment that would otherwise be the outcome with an NT. Being also over-tenacious, under-demanding, over-tolerant and loving a challenge is precisely what ensures that the Aspie him/herself coming back for more - the carrot that must be dangled by the BPD post 'abusive' episode is all the encouragement needed by us 'control freaks' who erroneously conclude that "THIS Nth time" our attempt to 'melt' the BPD will succeed.

It takes us longer to wise up and walk away from a BPD than an NT, in other words, but even we have our 'line in the sand'. Everybody's patience has a limit, eh.

("Oy - wake up!! !")

We are fooled that we once had control over the BPD partner but this was merely an illusion: due to the fact that during the Honeymoon stage the BPD's behaviour was geared towards the exact same goal as us (sustaining the relationship) which meant that they would damage-limit via lip-service only (which we over-optimistically accept as genuine), our 'efforts' not to lose THEM (thus fail in our challenge to melt them and 'solve the puzzle' of them) seemed to be successful which constituted Reward that reinforced future repetition of such attempts.

However, should the BPD be full-on then it will always be them who cracks first (not least because their part of the inevitable many arguments involve conscious effort due to the fact that the lie that is their very reality foundation demands more and more lies on top as well as conscious double-checking in order not to slip up and be exposed by virtue of that to REAL intimacy (yuk!)...whereas Aspies can argue to the death because their arguments are based on truth thus are as natural as breathing). The BPD then withdraws emotionally (which is their version of 'leaving' us), and we misassume that we can work our magic all over again. Only we can't because we never could.

Due to their Fear of Abandonment, however, the BPD doesn't normally leave with their feet but instead still tries to keep the Aspie giving THEM love/attention whilst they give nothing. So a highly dissatisfactory climate commences and thereto so does the Aspie's increase in desperation for vital closeness that compensates for lack of closeness in all other platonic relationships by virtue of our dislike of being socially beholden as well as being touched (particularly in today's Kissy-Kissy climate). So the Aspie tries harder and the BPD withdraws more and then the Aspie threatens to abandon them, in uber-frustration, and then the BPD panics at the thought of the terrifying Abandonment and attempts to draw us back in ...in a box, in a box, in a box...

This is what I meant by Push You/Pull Me relationship. Pure frustrating misery for both. And since I've experienced both the male BPD with female Aspie and vice-versa, second-hand, many a time, it would seem that the interactional quality (or lack of quality) doesn't vary significantly in terms of that fundamental dynamic.

I analogise it like this: We Aspies are like a cosy, lit fireplace to the BPD (who does need at least a tiny modicum of intimacy and affinity via the interlapping, shared positive traits). But after sitting at us for a while, the BPD gets uncomfortably hot. They daren't put the fire out so they have to move away. But it doesn't take long for them to feel cold again...so back they come. Forwards, backwards, stoke, snuff, re-stoke, forwards, backwards......

As far as my own first-hand experience of male BPDs goes, then I would say,
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaagggghhhhh!! !! !"

I hope that clarifies matters (chickadee)??? xoxo

PS: Shhhhhhh, everybody - he's finally gone to sleep.