Is there any way out of the pain of unrequited love?

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::Smokes a pipe as he walks through this conversation:: You hit it right on the nose.


In my opinion, sometimes just forgetting entirely about the whole situation is the best way to let things go. That's what I had to do with my first girlfriend after we broke up, we did not talk for about half a year........or so....but it hurt like hell, the fact that I also sort of cheated on her, wasn't a great factor either (not the cause of the breakup, but plenty of people knew about it) but the fact that after she broke up with me, three days or so later she was interested in some other guy. Of course thankfully that guy was a jerk, and only wanted to sleep with her, she dumped him somewhat later, but it took a while for us to be friends again (this was junior yeah of high school summer to Senior year btw) we didn't actually start becoming friends, close at that probably until somewhere around this past school year (sophmore yeah of college) when she came over for a day and baked cookies wit me and my sis and stayed for a while after that as well, and once over spring break as well. Things are a lot easier, because we both realize the mistakes we made and the fact that we let our emotions get in the way.

Things aren't always going to be easy. People fall in love and they fall out of love, it's when rejection happens that life feels like S*^! and there's nothing you can do about it except hope for the best.

Some of us are at an age where we value the person more than just "walking away". Just because you love someone do you really have to walk away if they don't love you back? Is it really love if you expect something in return? Getting the return is what we want but it doesn't invalidate the feelings we have.

Some of us are in friendships where the love is one sided but we choose to keep the friendship because we can't imagine our life without it. Hokey but true.

I'm hoping that he'll remain a friend. I also just have this nagging feeling that he was hurt so much by his last relationship that he absolutely will not go into another one unless it looks absolutely perfect and failsafe for him. I have a feeling that he may be somewhat attracted to me and that he could be interested but that he is very scared. So this keeps me hanging on. Unfortunately it is very frustrating and makes me act in ways that don't help the relationship. So now I'm trying to forget about him. It's his move, if there is ever another move.

...and some of us are at an age where we are realistic about the relationships that we choose to engage in. (Letting someone walk all over you or use you is not showing them love, its letting them abuse you and you shouldn't tolerate it)

It doesn't make sense to love somebody that doesn't love you back, all your doing is setting yourself up for failure, which just doesn't look like a smart idea. Yeah, you can feel good about your "But I love them so much, look at what I put myself through" attitude, but that is the same attitude that keeps people saying in abusive relationship. They are all, "But I love him! Look at all the crap I put up with, and what I get for it. If I didn't love him I'd be gone!". Seriously, you should love yourself more than anyone else. Do what's good for you, and if someone else strikes your fancy along the way run with it, but don't "die to them" as the saying goes. Keep your head about you, its important.

Isn't that narcissism?

Not really, because it isn't in the selfish sense.
If I had a girlfriend that was using me, but I loved her, why should I stay with her and allow her to treat me like crap? If I have no self-worth and think she's the only one that will ever put up with me, than sure, I'll stay with her. Otherwise, I'm gonna leave, because I know I'm worth more than that and it isn't fair to me to stay in that relationship. In that sense, I love myself more than I love her because she is the one that I'm leaving.

I'm not being treated like crap or abused. I'm just not being loved like I would like. In all other ways, I'm treated well. I do consider my own needs and what makes me happy.

Thank you Rynok. You said it better then I said it, could of said it for that matter.

Here's my advice, and then I'm done on the whole situation, read, "When God writes your love story," by Eric and Leslie Ludy. It's what I'm doing, and if it worked for those two people, it can work for everyone.

I think this is daring and interesting advice, considering this is a diverse group from atheists to all kinds of religious or nonreligious beliefs. However, I would caution people who are not religious to not just brush this off as some thing you don't believe in. I'm not Christian (technically, but as a Buddhist I think Christ is one of the great Buddhas, so maybe I am). Anyway, I think an important point is to get out of the business of controlling your life and controlling your love life. I think this is what I have been doing wrong that has caused me such pain. There's a saying, "My life is none of my business." and that includes my love life. So, if you believe in God, let him do his job. If you don't, then stop setting yourself up as God. Either way, get out of the way. I think this is the direction I have to go in. Thanks, Gamester.

If God writes our "love stories," I'll bet most of them aren't in the "romance" genre.

You're welcome. It's the direction that I had to go in, I'd screwed up too much, I ended up dating a girl who I shouldn't have, wouldn't talk to my friends, went to a church that I didn't even like because I wanted everything to be easy. It took two of my house mates this past year to make me realize that wasting my life like that wasn't worth it. reading the book helped.

I've been through the wringer so many times I'm just a mangled husk. Time doesn't heal anything. My heart turned to stone and I have given up finding someone.
I have never had a girlfriend. I have wanted dozens (to a significant degree), and not one has wanted me back. Four or five qualify as devestating, and one is a knife in my soul that never goes away. These matters have crippled my life in many ways, robbing me of the energy to achieve in other areas.
Two things I can say:
1. It's not your fault if you are not loved in return;
2. Forget him and move on to whatever degree you are able.

I'm sorry to hear about your pain. That's terrible.

I appreciate all this good advice and support. I'm hoping that if I continue in this direction I can enjoy my life on my own. There's so much in life besides an intimate relationship. Also, I'll continue to try to be the best and most loving person I can be. That's hard enough there.

I hope you can try to do the same.

Three years ago I went through the wringer for what I thought would be the last time. For three years I felt nothing at all. Now that stone in my chest turns out to capable of beating after all and it seems not to even have been damaged. Time is a better healer than I gave it credit for.

I'm sure there's something I'm doing wrong here but I've not been able to find out what. Running away turned out to be a bad move. Staying friends and hoping something might change turned out to be a really bad move. I'm thinking now it may be best to take control, even if I can't do anything truly positive. Hopefully it won't turn out to be a really really bad move.

Encouraging story....I think? What do you mean, "take control"?

I've never really let my crushes know how I've felt. I'm still sure it's better that way, she doesn't really know me so it could cause her worries. And since she's in a relationship now if I try and tell her it will cause trouble. I'd take the regret to spare her that. But a little part of me is asking if it's really unrequited. It would make me feel better to tell her, but the consequences are scary. I can take a guess that she's not interested but I can't really trust my interpretation of events.